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HelcatParticipantHi John
Thank you. 🙏
A salient point you made as usual! 😊
I think that I finally understand that because of the difficulties with my partner.
I feel like a sentient lump of meat trying to make sense of the world tonight. The more I think about it. The more is added. Perhaps instead it is best to just let it be.
I look at my son and despite the difficulties with my husband he is happy and healthy. Sure, he doesn’t like an argument. That is a stress for him, but he quickly moves on.
When I was a child, despite my difficulties I still found joy in the world. I found my escapes. Chess, friends, learning, reading beautiful stories, watching stories on tv. My mind didn’t linger on difficulties in the way it does as an adult.
Back to the rules made up by the mind.
Love, peace and blessings! ❤️🙏
HelcatParticipantHi John
What does that mean to you? Would you care to elaborate on that?
Love, peace and blessings! ❤️🙏
HelcatParticipantI’m taking a trip down memory lane and trying to take some notes on schema therapy at the moment.
Modes
Vulnerable Child
Angry Child
Detached Protector
Punitive Parent
Healthy Adult
There are other modes, but these are mine. So the goal of schema therapy is to grow the healthy adult, and heal the other modes reducing their size.
The difficulties with my husband have caused me to relapse in regards to my PTSD. I spent most of my life emotionally numbing in the detached protector mode, avoiding the overwhelming pain that the vulnerable child was in.
Once again, I find myself spending the majority of my time in detached protector mode. It is difficult because caring for a child does not allow you the opportunity to feel your feelings. Or maybe that is an excuse I tell myself?
Punitive parent mode attacks the vulnerable child. Causing an additional layer of pain. At the moment, it is making me feel that maybe my husband is right and it is all my fault, maybe I am not worthy of love.
Unmet needs
Love, safety, feeling valued, self-expression, autonomy, fun, boundaries.
I will have to meet my needs myself. Getting tired, will have to finish this tomorrow.
HelcatParticipantHi Jana
Thanks for checking in with me! You’re a sweetheart. ❤️ How are you doing? I will write more to you soon. I’m still trying to regroup emotionally and it has been very busy.
We were celebrating Thanksgiving, so we had a nice day.
Nothing else new. I don’t think I could take any more drama. 😅
I can’t help but wonder, will we even be together next year? Part of me wishes I had a crystal ball to tell me the answer.
Love, peace and best wishes! ❤️🙏
HelcatParticipantHi Everyone
Happy Thanksgiving!
I am thankful for my family (pets included), my friends and my life. Also, for the opportunity to see the world from a new perspective as I watch my son explore it.
Love and best wishes! ❤️🙏
November 27, 2024 at 5:28 am in reply to: Parts That Can Be Whole; Physical, Mental, Emotional #439707HelcatParticipantHi Kane
Thank you for sharing!
My husband has a saying. “You can hurt someone’s feelings saying ‘Hello’.”
It is true, more often not true, but you never really know how someone is going to respond and even then what they choose to keep private you still don’t know. We can only guess. 😊
Love and best wishes! ❤️🙏
HelcatParticipantDon’t get me wrong, it was hard for the kids too. Especially the eldest. Poor boy became a default adult and expected to look after his siblings at 11. Always got screamed at when they misbehaved.
HelcatParticipant*unsuitable
HelcatParticipantHi Kane
Thank you for your kind words! 😊
That is honestly fair if you are not ready and just want to be with your family. I was not ready to move out when I was your age either. Sometimes having a family, even a dysfunctional one is important.
I’m sorry to hear about the difficulties faced by your family. I seem to remember that you have quite a large family too and you mentioned arguments. Please correct me if I’m wrong!
I don’t have a large family myself, but I have lived next to neighbours with large families. 8 children in a two bedroom apartment my neighbours had. Every morning the mum and dad screamed for an hour on school days to try and herd the kids into getting ready. Everything was screaming at the kids, screaming at each other. Not enough to go around. At a certain point it is like herding cats. Absolute uncontrollable chaos.
I think that single parents are heroes even with only one child, it must be hard having your father vaguely coming and going?
Realistically life is inherently traumatic (but there are some good things) and half of couples in the west split up when they have a child. 90% of couples fight when they have a new child.
This is not because of the child, so much as the stress of looking after a newborn. A newborn requires around the clock care for 6 months. Sleep deprivation drives people crazy. Plus hormones from pregnancy and childbirth I like to think of as natures way scaring off unsustainable parents. Hormones go back to normal and people start to regain their sanity you see.
Life is difficult. But you know things are improving with each generation. Back in the day people’s children would die because of lack of medical care and nutrition. And contraceptives are making life better for the younger generations. There are options now, as opposed to back in the day there would be no choice.
I think that your mom is probably aware of the difficulties but simply has given up and feels like she can’t do anything about it. Doing her best to just be there for you all might be all she can manage.
Love and best wishes! ❤️🙏
HelcatParticipantHi John
Thank you for your kindness! ❤️ I’m sorry for not writing back yet, there has just been a lot of drama. I really value your message and I will reply soon. 😊 I hope that you have a good day. It really makes me smile how much you and your wife love and support each other.
Sadly there is more. I just found out that my husband has been bad mouthing me behind my back to his friends and family since the pregnancy. Some people encouraged him to do horrible things like seek sole custody.
I really don’t like this kind of behaviour because when I was adopted I dealt with this type of thing from extended family who didn’t approve of the adoption. This bullying which went unchecked ultimately ended up with me not being accepted by my family.
The sad thing is that my husband knows all of this and he did it anyway. Some of the people who did these things are supposed to be psychologists. I don’t understand how people can be so cruel. He didn’t defend me at all and actively encouraged their behaviour.
He has been nasty to me about it since I found out, but I refuse to argue with him.
I’m just cutting contact with the people who were mean. Like I did in the past.
He even told his friends and family that he is going to divorce me. He didn’t even tell me.
Honestly, the year I have had. I would never have expected the kind of behaviour I received from him. He truly was an amazing person. It is why I haven’t given up on him. I hope that he is still in there but I won’t wait forever. It isn’t healthy for any of us.
I don’t know if I will ever get my husband back or if he will decide to separate. I have forgiven so much already that forgiving this is easy. It is sad.
I’ve largely dealt with this alone and writing down all of the things that have happened over the past year is horrible.
I have been trying to keep my mind straight because he blames me a lot and I have to remind myself that I don’t deserve this.
Having a new child is hard on everyone, it is not my fault that his mental health issues are untreat.
At the same time. We don’t all get what we deserve. We get what we get in life. And we don’t get to choose it. We get to choose how we react to it.
I am a patient person and a loyal one. But I’m not here to be anyone’s stress toy. I’m not impulsive and I don’t make snap decisions. If we separate it will be because there is no alternative.
Love, peace and blessings! ❤️🙏
HelcatParticipantHi Rising Flower
Life is tricky and it is sad when we love someone that it doesn’t mean that a relationship will work out with them.
There must be some good qualities that he has to make you stick with him for so long despite the difficulties?
You mentioned that you are the kind of person who is there for your friends and family. That tries to help them when they have difficulties. Do you feel like this has played a part of your relationship with him at all?
Love and best wishes! ❤️🙏
November 23, 2024 at 11:48 pm in reply to: I did the right thing at the wrong time, how to forgive myself? #439637HelcatParticipantHi Beni
Please don’t beat yourself up over this. At any point in life we are just trying our best to survive. It is wonderful to hear that you are now in a place emotionally where you want to protect yourself and make healthier choices. That is great progress!
Consistently protecting yourself and making healthy choices will re-establish that trust in yourself.
You are definitely not the only person who has failed themselves. I have too.
It took me years of therapy to learn how to identify abuse and how to develop boundaries and protect myself from people who might hurt me. I started choosing slightly healthier after slightly healthier relationships. Things got a bit healthier each time.
I think that working on our own behaviours is important too.
For my relationship, I have realized that we should not discuss things when we are tired. It causes arguments. And we need to keep stressful conversations to 30 minutes.
In the past, I was probably not ready for a relationship because of my trauma. I put my husband through quite a bit of stress early on in our relationship and I worked hard to eliminate those behaviours.
I am learning about the four horsemen which are difficulties in relationships. Criticism, defensiveness, contempt and stonewalling. And the healthy behaviours to avoid doing these things. Express a positive need when talking about feelings, practice gratitude, take responsibility and apologize, take a break and self-soothe when upset.
Love and best wishes! ❤️🙏
HelcatParticipantThings have been going better for the past couple of days. Ups and downs, but minor downs. No arguments. And talking has been going well. He apologized.
I think that sleep deprivation was a factor in the arguments before again. My husband had always denied it and blamed himself in the past, but even he is starting to see the pattern. Some of our worst arguments have happened when we are massively sleep deprived. Sleep deprivation combined with stress is a doozy.
It is just a hard experience to go through all of this.
Now we have both had some sleep, mood is much better. My anxiety is lower which is nice.
It is just really hard. I think that we have both changed as parents.
HelcatParticipantHi Everyone
Thank you for sharing the wonderful quotes! I hope that everyone is enjoying this thread as much as I am? 😊
“I never saw a wild thing sorry for itself. A small bird will drop frozen dead from a bough without ever having felt sorry for itself.” Self-pity by D.H. Lawrence.
I imagine that some could find this poem a little bleak, but I’ve always loved it and it has always inspired me.
Love and best wishes! ❤️🙏
HelcatParticipantHi John
That is a very special practice which can help people without causing suffering. It is true that it is easy to take things for granted. I found that people often lose something, before they appreciate it.
Even breathing and walking are luxuries that not everyone has. A peaceful childhood is a luxury. In an ideal world, no one would suffer and everyone would have everything they need. But the world is full of suffering. At the same time, it is full of beauty. And for the people who are cruel, there are others who are kind and warm and generous.
Thank you for resurrecting this topic and sharing about your practice!
Love, peace and blessings! ❤️🙏
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Though I run this site, it is not mine. It's ours. It's not about me. It's about us. Your stories and your wisdom are just as meaningful as mine. 