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HelcatParticipantHi Anita
Thank you for seeing me. ❤️ You make a lot of effort to always be there for people and treat them with kindness and respect. I have a lot to learn from you. 😊
You didn’t have to be there for me, but you chose to anyway. I appreciate that more than you can imagine.
I don’t like talking about people behind their back. Anything I share about him, I share with him. He is a good person, but there have been relationship difficulties since the baby. I think that sleep deprivation makes things worse. It is always around times where the baby is not sleeping and consequently we are not sleeping that things are worse.
You are right about feeling safe being important. I’m glad that since the pregnancy and the baby he has been more open with his feelings. He was very stoic for a large part of our relationship. There is a downside in that I don’t feel like he knows the best way to handle this because sharing is fairly new to him. I used to think that I was the sensitive one and that he wasn’t sensitive. But now I see that we both are and he used to hide or ignore his feelings.
I think that individual therapy is a good place for him to practice these skills. He seems to be picking things up quickly.
I really want communication to improve for the baby as well. Because we don’t have anyone to help us with childcare he is around when we are having disagreements. What an adult can cope with a child cannot and he understands more every day.
The couples counsellor is doing a good job of helping us to come up with strategies to manage this like talking when the baby is asleep.
Love and best wishes! ❤️🙏
HelcatParticipantHi Anita
Thank you for your thoughts!
I like the idea, but we don’t tend to argue about finances or parenting much. It is more about communicating things that have hurt. If that makes sense?
For example, I had been thinking about the pets and I thought that it is really important to seize the day and tell our loved ones how much they mean to us because we never know when it’s going to be our last. I wanted to have a special moment with my partner and hugged him and told him I loved him. He was not paying attention and talked to our son and dog. I gave up trying and felt hurt. He noticed me feeling hurt and wanted to talk about it. I didn’t want to because I didn’t want to argue. He got upset at that.
It is more emotional stuff, you see?
Things have been a bit better since the counselling session. My husband has been making more of an effort with affection and he has started to take time away to himself during disagreements when he needs to. Also, he has been doing a lot better with emotional regulation and managed to control his temper.
There have been a couple of peaceful days. A rough day. A day where the disagreement was under control but lasted a bit too long for my comfort. And just general talking about these difficulties we’ve had and what we want in the future.
It is probably the first time in a while that I have started talking about things. For about a couple of weeks I didn’t, to try and calm things down because it was rough. Not to say that I ignored him. I didn’t. I listened to all of his feelings and concerns, did my best to comfort him and chose not to share mine.
Love and best wishes! ❤️🙏
HelcatParticipantHi Melinda
My deepest condolences for the loss of your son and betrayal from your family members and best friend.
It is such a horrible thing to do to someone to steal the ashes of your son. These people are monsters.
And how awful do you have to be to start a fight with someone viewing their son’s body?! There is a saying that there is no wrong way to grieve. She was entirely wrong to say these things to you and treat you in this way.
I sincerely hope that the police can find out what happened for you.
It is a parent’s worst nightmare to lose their child. And on top of that you lost so many other people at the same time too.
I’m so sorry that you are alone when you need people to be there for you the most.
I thought you might want to know that often therapy is available after work hours. It is an essential service to provide for people who are working. You deserve special support in these extremely difficult times, if and when you are ready for that. There are remote therapy services called Better Help. If that would make things any easier for you too.
Please feel free to share as much as you want to. And please tell me if anything I’ve said makes you feel uncomfortable.
Love and best wishes! ❤️🙏
HelcatParticipantHi Anita
Thank you for your kind words! I’m am perfectly fine talking about these things. Thank you for asking. I really do appreciate your help.
Yes, I agree that reducing stress is a priority.
Yes, that is the jist of things for the recent dynamic. In the past things have been different. I tended to be the one to initiate talking about problems. Then when it would get too stressful I would shut down and the pattern would be similar from that point.
Things have been too stressful for me to want to talk about things recently. I also don’t like for conversations to get stressful around the baby. So that plays a part in why I withdraw more frequently now too.
In the past, I would say that my husband had been less bothered by things than me. But I think that things have been difficult for a while being pregnant and having a baby. So he is just as fed up as me at this point.
I think it varies. Sometimes I do trust him. Sometimes I don’t trust him. Sometimes I wouldn’t trust anyone. Sometimes I would trust other people. It is also about emotional regulation. The arguments have been a lot recently, so I would definitely say that lack of trust with how he responds to things has been a factor.
Blaming each other is a common pattern for us. We also have difficulty listening to each other during arguments. It is like having two entirely separate conversations at the same time.
For me, I would say that if my husband raised his voice. I would start to shut down emotionally and get defensive. In that state, I have difficulties with expressing positive regard.
Love and best wishes! ❤️🙏
HelcatParticipantHi Anita
It is very kind of you to think of me every day and to wonder how I’m doing.
Thank you for your kind wishes, as well as for the beautiful poem. I got her when I moved out on my own for the first time. She made me feel safe. I was afraid to live by myself because I had anxiety attacks when I was alone. My biological mother used to leave my brother and I alone for ages unsupervised when we were underage for that to happen and not say when she would be back.
I remember when I got the cat. She was being bullied by the other kittens, and I didn’t want her to be bullied anymore.
We’ve been to the same couple’s counsellor when I was pregnant. But this was the first session since the baby was born. My husband is also seeing an individual therapist.
Yes, I think we both feel like we cannot cope with anymore disagreements. Our nervous systems are overwhelmed. There is also a lot going on outside of the disagreements. Stress definitely adds to things.
It is difficult because often it is not about a specific thing. My feelings get hurt sometimes and my husband can tell even when I don’t say anything about it. And he wants to talk about it and I don’t and that makes him angry that I don’t want to talk to him about it. That’s how he explained it to me anyway.
He also explained that he doesn’t really want to leave, and the threatening to leave comes from a place of trying to push me away before I push him away.
My PTSD is quite bad because of the arguments. I have just been shutting down at the slightest hint of conflict. Even the idea that it might happen before it even does.
He is the kind of person who always wants to be there even if things are tough. He doesn’t like leaving things alone.
But for the first time he walked away and took time to himself when he was getting stressed. So that is one positive. I don’t know what will happen next. We are trying. But it is just hard.
I have been reading a lot about couples counselling and relationship advice. The theory is basically that he is hurt by me withdrawing. And he acts out when he’s hurt. He just wants connection. And I just keep withdrawing more and more. Because I withdraw when I’m hurt. I also want connection, but I don’t really feel safe emotionally.
He is still making an effort to try and be more affectionate and we are trying to spend more time together so there are some positives.
Thank you again for your support Anita!
Love and best wishes! ❤️🙏
HelcatParticipantHi Larry
I’ve been in that place before where I didn’t like myself and didn’t know how to love myself.
Figuring out who I wanted to be and what I wanted to do and working steadily towards that is a start. It’s not the whole puzzle. At a certain point, you can still feel the same way no matter what you do and you realise that the way forward is just to accept yourself.
I believe that society and the media are wrong. There are very few rules for life beyond law. Whatever anyone wants. It doesn’t have to be anything special as long as it gives themselves meaning.
I do know what you mean about potential though. We all have it. Thank you for sharing!
Love and best wishes! ❤️🙏
HelcatParticipantHi Larry
I agree that we are not alone. The West has a big push for individualism.
I believe that the human experience is pretty universal. At some point in our lives we all have pain caused by different things. It is still the same pain, despite the belief that ours is somehow different and special. Pain is pain.
As people we are all equal, we are all similar, yet we are all a bit different.
While pregnant a baby shares the mother’s nervous system. What you feel, it feels, what it feels, you feel. And once born a baby can still sense its mother’s mood even without looking at her. For a while a baby has no concept of self. To a baby, the mother and baby are one and the same. Like a limb, she is the hand that feeds, that cleans, that comforts and protects.
Love and best wishes! ❤️🙏
September 27, 2024 at 10:01 pm in reply to: Surrender, Accessing Shakti by clearing samskaras, eliminating false selves #438421HelcatParticipantHi Seaturtle
I’m sorry for the delay in replying. I’m just having a rough time at the moment.
Thank you for all of the excellent potty training tips! I will take them to heart. It does make sense that a child would answer no to do you want to potty. I didn’t think of that. Haha it’s true, kids do have a way of making you talk about these things.
On a side note, I think that it’s great that you’re getting this level of insight from your job about what parenting is like. I’m sure that if you choose to have children one day, you would be a great mother.
I’m glad to hear that you are trusting your intuition more. 😊
That’s lovely to hear that I reminded you of a conversation that you had with your grandfather. I think that some things are unknowable until we learn about them.
You definitely have the jist of it. I think that people who aren’t on automatic make a consistent effort to be more aware and learn more about things, and pay more attention to their own development which is all that can really be done. Of course, there are natural times when this lapses.
You strike me as a person who tries their best to always grow and learn. Someone who doesn’t like to live life on automatic. Yes, exactly! Even if we try hard sometimes we run up against a wall.
Well, in teaching and I’m sure in your job as a caregiver you learn that it is okay to make mistakes. It is how we learn. We can reflect on what went wrong and how to handle situations better in the future. There are many opportunities in life, as long as you keep asking for them. So you don’t need to worry as much about missing something.
I wonder though, do you sometimes worry something bad might happen?
It’s very kind of you to say that you learned from us! It seems to me like you’re already doing a good job of living your life as wisely as you can.
It does sound like an interesting book!
I think as well as things that we cannot control like circumstances, the effects of our choices on our lives are fascinating.
Love and best wishes! ❤️🙏
HelcatParticipantHi Anita
Sorry for the delay in replying. Thank you for sharing the beautiful song! How are you doing?
An update on how things are for me.
My cat is still missing. I fear that she isn’t coming back. She has never been away from home for this long and hates to be away from home. I’m starting to grieve for her. She was my first pet as an adult. My first baby. She’s an old cat. I love her so much. I wasn’t ready to lose her. I know that you can’t ever be ready, but still. It is hard that this is happening only a year after my other cat passing away.
The biopsy for my dog was lost by the lab. I don’t want to put him through another surgery just to get a biopsy. So the plan is to keep an eye on him and see if his health worsens and if it does, he has we know he has cancer and to approach things from an end of life care perspective. He has another blood text soon, so that will provide some more information. I think that it is a good thing that I have a warning that he might die soon. It would hit me really hard because he is my emotional support dog. I’m not ready to lose him either, but I will have to be strong.
My pets are my family. They mean so much to me.
I think that there is a 50/50 chance that I failed my exam because I couldn’t finish it. The phrasing of the questions was confusing about which questions were mandatory and the marks were higher for the non-mandatory questions. I didn’t know what to do. Fortunately, I have a resit and I will discuss with my lecturer a strategy for which parts to focus on.
Couples counselling was okay. I have also been continuing to learn a lot about the subject.
One thing that I have difficulty with is that I don’t have an outlet for my feelings. I just keep it all inside and suffer.
It still hurts a lot everyday. My husband keeps saying that he is going to leave me.
Love and best wishes! ❤️🙏
HelcatParticipantHi Prudence
I want to reassure you that there is nothing wrong with not having had any relationships yet at the age of 23.
There is a good chance that you aren’t good at telling if someone is interested in you or not.
Your friend may love you, as a friend.
If you don’t think there is anything wrong with your appearance I doubt that there is anything wrong with it. I’m sorry to hear that the difficulties dating make you feel like you’re unwanted and there is something wrong with you.
For men, dating apps are primarily for having sex. Not for dating specifically. Their goal is generally a one night stand, or multiple of these before they even consider dating. If you sent a normal picture, not a sexy one. That is signalling that you aren’t interested.
Dating is hard these days. Women are expected to be treat terribly. For people who aren’t interested in that, it can be really difficult to find a partner. I think that it is a good thing to have standards though.
A degree of confidence is needed for dating because there is a lot of rejection. But everyone experiences that, not just you. And men experience it doubly so because they generally bear the larger burden of pursuit.
Actively flirting may help to signal interest. I found that to be the most effective way to attract a partner that I was interested in.
It is okay for this process to take some time. The ultimate goal of dating is to consider which qualities you value in a partner. Do you have any thoughts about this?
Love and best wishes! ❤️🙏
HelcatParticipantHi John
Mmm fresh bread sounds amazing! Haha at least you always know if she’s in a mood or not. 😂
Love and best wishes! ❤️🙏
HelcatParticipantHi Anita
Thank you for your kindness!
If only we all had that experience growing up. It is hard being people though.
I’m starting to think that adults need the same thing children do. Not because they can’t cope with stress, but because deep inside of us all is a child.
Love and best wishes! ❤️🙏
HelcatParticipantHi Taylor
Good luck in trying things out, I’m sure that you’ll do great! 😊
Love and best wishes! ❤️🙏
September 20, 2024 at 12:27 am in reply to: Surrender, Accessing Shakti by clearing samskaras, eliminating false selves #438247HelcatParticipantHi Seaturtle
Haha carrier pidgeon might be faster 😂
I’m planning on working in IT.
You must give me some potty training tips! I got a little glimpse of it when he was sick and we had to collect a urine sample. He kept peeing the second I looked away.
Thank you for your kind words! I hope that we get through it too. ❤️
I’m sorry to hear that things are difficult with the child’s parents separating.
I haven’t read it but will definitely check it out.
That’s a very positive way of looking at things. 😊
The unknown is difficult because you don’t know what is going to happen. Sometimes that is harder than knowing. I think that you should trust your intuition. You made the decision using your intuition, so it was the right one.
I can see why you think of automatic as on autopilot. But that isn’t what I meant. There is a concept in teaching. You know the things you know. You know some things that you don’t know. And then you don’t know some things that you don’t know. These are called unknown unknowns. It’s this idea of unknown unknowns that I tend to think of as running on automatic. To change first there needs to be understanding. So it’s really hard to change what you don’t know needs to be changed. If that makes sense? Only when we become aware of a possibility can we work on it.
I don’t necessarily think that one window is better than the other. Life offers us different opportunities. Sometimes we have more time to devote to self development in certain areas. Sometimes we have to focus on specific things. Sometimes we have less time. Sometimes you just get to the point where you acknowledge that perhaps a dislike of self can drive personal development and you decide that it is important to finally accept who you are.
Ultimately, I have faith that things work out the way they are supposed to.
I can understand not wanting to miss out on an opportunity. He also seemed really nice and you felt seen by him. You are also adventurous. It is understandable to be tempted and conflicted about the decision. Ultimately, your intuition is what should guide you in this decision.
Love and best wishes! ❤️🙏
HelcatParticipantHi Shinnen
Thank you for sharing! That was an interesting read.
There are a lot of meditations focusing on the Hara out there and even practices designed to activate and improve its function, if you can find the right teacher. One thing that I have heard is that we lose our connection to it in puberty.
The article had a lot of advice about health that is also present in Traditional Chinese Medicine. Something that is not mentioned in the article is that the food quality has severely dropped. Not too long ago people did not even have refrigerators. Processed food didn’t exist either. Everything has preservatives in it now. Sometimes it is even cheaper to buy takeout instead of cooking from scratch.
Corporations are not concerned about health of customers, they are concerned with their bottom line and how much they can make you buy. In America, even the bread is artificially sweetened. You don’t notice until you visit another country how sweet everything is.
Fascinating stuff! Thanks again.
Love and best wishes! ❤️🙏
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Though I run this site, it is not mine. It's ours. It's not about me. It's about us. Your stories and your wisdom are just as meaningful as mine. 