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Hopeful33

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Viewing 15 posts - 1 through 15 (of 26 total)
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  • #109786
    Hopeful33
    Participant

    Gary R Smith,

    Thank you for posting such an uplifting, positive reply – and thank you for also sharing your story with me. It makes a lot sense.

    And I do believe you’re right – that it will be a positive step in my healing process. It’s something my dad also said to me – that he feels if I go back and ‘conquer’ this fear of mine, I’ll feel stronger than ever.

    I’m also at the stage in my healing where I see that my breakup really was for the best, and I think this will help me, too. I no longer miss my ex. During the breakup, he lacked respect and compassion for me, and I deserve way more than what I got. I therefore don’t care what he’s doing and where he is. I have zero intention of talking to him, too, so even if I did see him, I’d walk on by.

    I’m looking forward to sharing my journey with you all.

    Thanks again for the support.

    Hopeful

    #109785
    Hopeful33
    Participant

    Thank you, Anita 🙂 I really appreciate the support. I will certainly post and update you on my journey as things get moving…

    #109597
    Hopeful33
    Participant

    Anita,

    Thank you so much 🙂 And you’re right – it is an adventure. I should be excited – excited about getting my life back on track, excited about ‘test driving’ the new me so to speak. It’s been a long 12 months, and I genuinely feel I’m coming out the other side a stronger, more ‘aware’ person, so I’m looking forward to moving forward with this new strength and self-compassion. I know it won’t be an easy ride – finding a job and place to live are two of the most stressful things – but I also know that I cannot get to where I want to get to if I don’t go through the difficult part. So I guess I have to take a deep breath and plunge into the pool with the conviction that I’ll make it through 🙂 I will definitely keep on posting – I’ve found your advice invaluable, so thanks again for taking the time to reply 🙂

    Thank you for also questioning my motives for returning – it’s made me even more certain than ever that I’m going back for the right reasons.

    • This reply was modified 8 years ago by Hopeful33.
    #109595
    Hopeful33
    Participant

    Miniaturebodhisattva,

    Thank you 🙂

    And you’re right – this city in particular is very transient, and I am 99 per cent sure they’ll settle back in his home country, because part of the reason his family were against him marrying me was the fact I didn’t want to live there. So they could head back there real soon.

    I love the parable, and it’s something I was already thinking about – that perhaps by dreading it I’m feeding my fear of being there, which will make it a bigger issue than what it should be. Thanks for highlighting this to me – I need to focus on my strength. Just the other day I made a list of all the reasons why I’m a strong person, and it really helped me to reflect on all the things I’ve done that illustrate that strength.

    Thanks again for the advice and taking the time to reply to me. Means a lot. 🙂

    • This reply was modified 8 years ago by Hopeful33.
    #109563
    Hopeful33
    Participant

    Thank you, Anita 🙂 Honestly, this isn’t a knee jerk decision. Initially, when we first broke up, the thought of being back there was unbearable, despite the fact I knew I could easily get a job there. I knew he was back there, and I even knew exactly where he was staying. I do feel he made sure I knew where he’d be because he was secretly hoping I may show up so he could explain himself better in person. What he didn’t realise was I was already going through a transformation – one in which I was beginning to see my own worth and put myself first. There was no way in hell I was going to seek him out or demand further answers. He showed me the level of his emotional maturity and I decided that it simply wasn’t good enough, which is why I stopped responding to him the minute he sent me that horrible email.

    Over the months, as I began to heal and become stronger, I kept craving stability – my own place, a steady income, hobbies I can enjoy etc. This city, emotionally speaking, is the most difficult one to go to, but I cannot deny that practically speaking it’s the best choice for me right now. I can settle very quickly. I was stopping myself from going for all this time because he’s there, but I realised I was cutting my nose off to spite my own face. My dad and a few close friends think that it will bring me peace to know I was strong enough to go back there and conquer this fear.

    I tried a different city a few months back and while I loved the place, I was plagued with loneliness and I’m not sure being alone in a whole new place is what I need right now. Sure, I will make new friends when I’m back, but knowing that I have some friends there whom I can go and meet takes a big load off my mind. My aim is to go back, get a job and save towards my bigger goals. As I mentioned, I have zero desire to see him or interact with him, although I guess I should have a plan in place for the eventuality that he does reach out. I guess a simple no contact rule should suffice.

    I just hope it’s not as difficult as I’m expecting it to be to be back there.

    • This reply was modified 8 years ago by Hopeful33.
    #109557
    Hopeful33
    Participant

    Oh and realistically, the odds of bumping into each other in a big city are low. I was a lot more concerned by being haunted by memories etc than actually potentially seeing him.

    #109556
    Hopeful33
    Participant

    Hi Anita,

    Thanks for your reply.

    Well, the salaries there are higher, plus it’s much easier for me to get a job there than anywhere else as that’s where my experience lies. That’s why I’ve been toying with the idea for a few months now. It will be a lot easier to hit the ground running, plus I already have a prospective job lined up as we speak.

    As for feeling excitement for potentially seeing him – to the contrary. I sincerely wish he weren’t there and this isn’t a subconscious move on my behalf to hopefully bump into him. The mere thought of seeing him is what concerns me. I’d rather never see his face again. And it’s not because I’m concerned about any potential consequences. There’s really nothing left for us to say to each other at this point. All I ever wanted was the truth from him and he couldn’t even give that to me, so that’s that.

    I know that married men, especially unhappy ones who feel ‘trapped’ may resort to affairs. But I have zero desire to get into such a situation with him. I’ve grown immeasurably over the last 12 months and during this growth my self-worth has also soared. I deserve an unattached, emotionally healthy man who can give me everything I deserve – love, affection, loyalty. My ex is in a hell of his own making and I don’t feel any sympathy for him anymore. I feel sympathy for myself for having been through this and trust me, I have no desire to set my recovery back and enter into a situation that will erode my self esteem and stop me from meeting someone available.

    #109540
    Hopeful33
    Participant

    Miniaturebodhisattva,

    Thank you for this – very helpful, actionable tips!

    Yes, I have no intention of living in the neighbourhood that we lived in together, and thankfully it’s slightly on the outskirts of the city, so I won’t have to pass by it every day or anything like that. I have zero reason to go there, so hopefully (at least initially) I won’t need to go through that. I know that will be very difficult for me, as we used to hang out at all the cafes there. Plus, from what I know, his office is nearby, so I’d definitely see him if I were to hang around long enough – something I wish to avoid.

    And I love the idea of exploring new restaurants, bars etc. It was, again, something that I already had in mind. I’ve been away for two years now and that city moves fast, so it will be relatively easy for me to avoid the places that were ‘ours’ and frequent new, exciting places.

    And I also love that you mentioned I should remind myself that I have just as much right to be there as him. You’re so right. At the beginning, I deprived myself of the opportunity to go back because the mere thought of bumping into him brought me out in a cold sweat. But now that I’ve healed a great deal I realise I have NOTHING to be worried about. If anything, given what happened in the end, how it ended, etc, HE should be the one worried about bumping into me.

    I’ll have to think about what my reaction would be. For his friends, it would be rather difficult, as some of them weren’t very nice people so I wouldn’t mind blanking them – but then that gives the impression I’m hurt. For the friends of his that I liked/got on with, I guess I’d be civil, ask how they’re doing and walk on by quickly. I don’t want to give anyone the chance to bring my ex up, and if they do I guess i’ll just say “That’s all in the past now, so no point in talking about it,” and leave it at that. I really don’t want to get into any discussions with them about anything.

    As for my ex and his wife. Hmmm. Tricky one. I don’t want to come across as hurt, but I also have zero desire to talk to him. I guess I’d just have to keep a smile fixed on my face and walk on by…

    Any other suggestions?

    #109539
    Hopeful33
    Participant

    Thanks Anita, looking forward to your reply.

    #109146
    Hopeful33
    Participant

    Thanks again, Anita. I feel like I’ve made a lot of progress over this last week or so, and your replies have very much helped me to snap out of my faulty way of thinking. It’s a way of thinking that I’ve had for a lifetime, so it’s taking a lot of effort to correct it, but now that I’m aware of it and how I can change it, I can see progress is being made.

    #109130
    Hopeful33
    Participant

    True.
    It’s funny – my therapist yesterday mentioned Princess Diana and Prince Charles, and it got me thinking – even they had massive doubts before their wedding and they went through with it. Prince Charles was in love with someone else and didn’t even love Diana. I know they had the weight of an entire nation on their shoulders, but still, it goes to show people really can try to make themselves believe whatever they need to believe at that moment in time in order to go through with something.

    Thinking of this case scenario helped me somewhat. Proved to me it’s not as outlandish an idea as I make it out to be. It seems like much like Prince Charles, my ex ‘did the right thing’ by his family and pursued the option they had laid out for him.

    We all know what happened to Prince Charles and Diana in the end. Not that I’m suggesting that my ex’s marriage will definitely fail, but I cannot see how it will ever be a happy one given how it all started. I guess the only reason I’m saying this is that I’ve made the mistake over the last years of thinking of him as having moved on and being deliriously happy with his new bride. I now think this is the lesser likely scenario of the two.

    #108987
    Hopeful33
    Participant

    Thanks Anita, I had a look – that’s a very sad story.

    Maybe I simply have an idealistic view of what marriage is supposed to be like. And despite what was said and done in the end, I know what him and I had was special. So for him to ‘give me up’ and agree to marry someone else so quickly will never make much sense to me, even when I take the cultural differences into consideration.

    #108898
    Hopeful33
    Participant

    Thanks Anita. I wish there were a search function for the forums as it’s difficult for me to locate the posts on arranged marriage that you’re referring to.

    I know a certain amount about arranged marriages, but from my understanding a lot of them are put together for two individuals who are single and wanting to find someone their parents approve of. I don’t necessarily agree with the premise, but in these circumstances, when both parties are willing and don’t have emotional baggage from a recent relationship, I can see how they can agree to it, and I’m sure many of these unions to end up happy ones. But I guess I’ll never understand how someone who loves someone else can agree to leave that person to then marry someone they don’t love or even know properly.

    I know it entails a lot of denial. I guess I never realised before to what extent people can go into denial in order to carry out something they’re not happy about doing.

    #108855
    Hopeful33
    Participant

    I guess because I’ve never been in that situation before I find it hard to completely understand it. My parents have never pressured me into doing something I don’t want to do. I understand there’s a vast cultural difference there, too. But it just all happened so quickly, and it’s so incomprehensible how someone can ‘force’ themselves to love a partner chosen for them by their parents. Or kid themselves they love that person, especially after actually loving someone else and being extremely close to that person.

    It’s enough to drive me crazy just thinking about it, let alone going through it. I know the marriage took place 6 months later, but the engagement happened extremely quickly.

    Wouldn’t that be enough to drive someone a bit crazy?

    #108824
    Hopeful33
    Participant

    Thanks Anita. I guess I just feel that if he were a heart person he would have defied his family somehow and opted to be with me. My friend has pointed out to me that I’m missing the point – and that at the point in time when they were applying all that pressure for him to take their route, it was the least likely time he’d break free and walk away from them. I’m still not quite sure I understand what she means by that, but she’s not surprised in the slightest that things panned out the way they did.

Viewing 15 posts - 1 through 15 (of 26 total)