Worried about returning to 'our' city

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This topic has 18 replies, 4 voices, and was last updated 7 years, 9 months ago by Gary R. Smith.

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July 12, 2016 at 2:21 pm #109481
Hopeful33
Participant
Hey guys,

I posted my story a week or so ago of how my three year relationship ended this time last year out of the blue. For the last 12 months I’ve been staying with friends and family as I’ve been trying to figure things out.

I didn’t want to make any knee jerk reactions when my relationship ended. We were in love and heading for marriage, so when it ended I understandably didn’t know what I wanted from life. After a lot of soul searching, I’ve realised that for now I want to settle down, get a job, rent an apartment, and rebuild my life, piece by piece. I’m craving some form of stability.

I wasn’t sure where I wanted to go, but my mind kept returning to the city that my ex and I met and lived in. We left two years ago to travel, and I haven’t returned since then. Practically speaking I know it will be relatively easy for me to settle back in there, even if it is abroad. I have contacts so I can find a job, plus most my work experience was gained there. I know my way around, so there won’t be a readjustment period, plus i still have friends there which means I’ll have a support network/people to spend time with.

But here’s the thing: since I’ve made the decision to return there, I’ve been full of anxiety. Just thinking of myself there is filling me with dread, and that is mainly because it was ‘our’ city. I met him there. I lived with him there. I have so many great memories with him there that I’m worried the city will haunt me. Plus, the last few times I went back there I was either going back to him or heading back there with him. To know I will now be going back and that I’ll be all alone is a bitter pill to swallow, and I’m petrified.

And to make matters worse, the last thing I knew he was also back there – potentially with his new wife.

It upsets me that I feel this way about a city that I once loved living in.

I know that practically speaking this would be the best decision, so how do I manage my emotions better? How do I make this transition easier on myself? Or am I silly to want to go back there? I’m really torn and worried that it will set me back to an earlier stage of healing. The breakup was dreadful and painful, and it’s taken me a long time to get to where I am right now, so I’m concerned. I also know I’m tired of ‘coasting’ through life – I need to gain control back and get back on track, and I don’t want to wait any longer.

Any advice will be much appreciated.
- This topic was modified 7 years, 9 months ago by Hopeful33.
July 12, 2016 at 8:51 pm #109514

Anonymous
Guest

Dear Hopeful33:

Will be back at the computer in 10 hours or so to read and reply to your new thread. Hope others will reply before I do.

anita

July 12, 2016 at 10:46 pm #109531
Miniature Bodhisattva
Participant
Hello Hopeful33!

I went through a situation similar to yours (minus the moving part), so I know how difficult can be being in the same city where memories haunt you around every corner. Here are somethings I did that helped me cope:

1) Try to at least move to a neighborhood of the city that has the fewest triggers
2) Explore new clubs, restaurants, etc. that you never went to with your ex (I’m sure there are at least a few places that they didn’t want to go to or weren’t in existence last time you were there)
3) Forge new friendships (this not to say dump the old ones, but it can be helpful to have people who now know only the post-breakup version of you) – you’ll be less tempted to rehash “old times”
4) Remind yourself you have as much right to be there as your ex
5) Mentally prepare yourself for the possibility of bumping into any mutual acquaintances or the ex. You just want to have a game plan/script in your head ready. Top athletes visualize a successful race before they hit the track, down to what shoes they’ll wear. While you won’t necessarily have complete control of the situation should it arise, it won’t be as big of a shock to system since you’ve played it out in your head.
6) If you do have get emotional, forgive yourself and say, “OK, that happened…now I’m one step closer to being healed!” And let it go.

Hope those help! Based on what you wrote it sounds like you’re handling everything very maturely and with grace. Clearly the universe is calling you back to this city for a reason. If I were a gambling woman, I’d bet that this a step you need to take find peace and that you’ll soon recover your inner strength before you know it. The more you experience and do the more the old memories and feeling will be pushed out by new ones. Soon you’ll stop thinking of the place as “where I met (Ex’s Name)” but “where I met (new person) and did (awesome activity)”.
- This reply was modified 7 years, 9 months ago by Miniature Bodhisattva.
July 13, 2016 at 3:01 am #109539

Hopeful33
Participant

Thanks Anita, looking forward to your reply.

July 13, 2016 at 3:10 am #109540

Hopeful33
Participant

Miniaturebodhisattva,

Thank you for this – very helpful, actionable tips!

Yes, I have no intention of living in the neighbourhood that we lived in together, and thankfully it’s slightly on the outskirts of the city, so I won’t have to pass by it every day or anything like that. I have zero reason to go there, so hopefully (at least initially) I won’t need to go through that. I know that will be very difficult for me, as we used to hang out at all the cafes there. Plus, from what I know, his office is nearby, so I’d definitely see him if I were to hang around long enough – something I wish to avoid.

And I love the idea of exploring new restaurants, bars etc. It was, again, something that I already had in mind. I’ve been away for two years now and that city moves fast, so it will be relatively easy for me to avoid the places that were ‘ours’ and frequent new, exciting places.

And I also love that you mentioned I should remind myself that I have just as much right to be there as him. You’re so right. At the beginning, I deprived myself of the opportunity to go back because the mere thought of bumping into him brought me out in a cold sweat. But now that I’ve healed a great deal I realise I have NOTHING to be worried about. If anything, given what happened in the end, how it ended, etc, HE should be the one worried about bumping into me.

I’ll have to think about what my reaction would be. For his friends, it would be rather difficult, as some of them weren’t very nice people so I wouldn’t mind blanking them – but then that gives the impression I’m hurt. For the friends of his that I liked/got on with, I guess I’d be civil, ask how they’re doing and walk on by quickly. I don’t want to give anyone the chance to bring my ex up, and if they do I guess i’ll just say “That’s all in the past now, so no point in talking about it,” and leave it at that. I really don’t want to get into any discussions with them about anything.

As for my ex and his wife. Hmmm. Tricky one. I don’t want to come across as hurt, but I also have zero desire to talk to him. I guess I’d just have to keep a smile fixed on my face and walk on by…

Any other suggestions?

July 13, 2016 at 8:03 am #109549

Anonymous
Guest

Dear Hopeful33:

I don’t like the idea of you moving back to that city. I think that the advantages of you moving back there should be very significant, huge, to make it a good choice. For example, if you could get a job there but nowhere else (so it is between being employed there and being unemployed elsewhere), or if your pay in that city would be much higher than elsewhere, and I mean, significantly higher, or the rents there are way lower than elsewhere.

If the financial advantages are not that significant (and you can investigate this online/ phone, finding out salaries, rents, job opportunities etc)- I wouldn’t. Also you don’t have much social support there because if you did, you’d be there already.

So I would look elsewhere. In returning to that city, you will have triggers, you will have the opportunity to see him and his wife (something that may draw you to that city, the excitement of seeing him, and the drama of it all- watch for that motivation, exciting as it may be, not a good idea).

And then there is the other thing… I mentioned to you on the other thread, about how people in arranged marriages cope with it- I mentioned having affairs. This is one way men do manage in arranged marriages, from my reading and corresponding with people- and therefore, the possibility is that you and him will have an affair. And the waste of years that will cost you.

Not a good idea, in summary, is my position.

anita

July 13, 2016 at 9:33 am #109556

Hopeful33
Participant

Hi Anita,

Thanks for your reply.

Well, the salaries there are higher, plus it’s much easier for me to get a job there than anywhere else as that’s where my experience lies. That’s why I’ve been toying with the idea for a few months now. It will be a lot easier to hit the ground running, plus I already have a prospective job lined up as we speak.

As for feeling excitement for potentially seeing him – to the contrary. I sincerely wish he weren’t there and this isn’t a subconscious move on my behalf to hopefully bump into him. The mere thought of seeing him is what concerns me. I’d rather never see his face again. And it’s not because I’m concerned about any potential consequences. There’s really nothing left for us to say to each other at this point. All I ever wanted was the truth from him and he couldn’t even give that to me, so that’s that.

I know that married men, especially unhappy ones who feel ‘trapped’ may resort to affairs. But I have zero desire to get into such a situation with him. I’ve grown immeasurably over the last 12 months and during this growth my self-worth has also soared. I deserve an unattached, emotionally healthy man who can give me everything I deserve – love, affection, loyalty. My ex is in a hell of his own making and I don’t feel any sympathy for him anymore. I feel sympathy for myself for having been through this and trust me, I have no desire to set my recovery back and enter into a situation that will erode my self esteem and stop me from meeting someone available.

July 13, 2016 at 9:36 am #109557

Hopeful33
Participant

Oh and realistically, the odds of bumping into each other in a big city are low. I was a lot more concerned by being haunted by memories etc than actually potentially seeing him.

July 13, 2016 at 10:03 am #109561

Anonymous
Guest

Dear Hopeful33:

Your last two posts are very convincing to me- if your thinking and feeling are that clear every day, if this is not a Temporary Sanity moment here, then you are all set to make the move to that city.

Everything you wrote makes sense to me. I hope you continue to post when you live there!

anita

July 13, 2016 at 10:13 am #109563
Hopeful33
Participant
Thank you, Anita 🙂 Honestly, this isn’t a knee jerk decision. Initially, when we first broke up, the thought of being back there was unbearable, despite the fact I knew I could easily get a job there. I knew he was back there, and I even knew exactly where he was staying. I do feel he made sure I knew where he’d be because he was secretly hoping I may show up so he could explain himself better in person. What he didn’t realise was I was already going through a transformation – one in which I was beginning to see my own worth and put myself first. There was no way in hell I was going to seek him out or demand further answers. He showed me the level of his emotional maturity and I decided that it simply wasn’t good enough, which is why I stopped responding to him the minute he sent me that horrible email.

Over the months, as I began to heal and become stronger, I kept craving stability – my own place, a steady income, hobbies I can enjoy etc. This city, emotionally speaking, is the most difficult one to go to, but I cannot deny that practically speaking it’s the best choice for me right now. I can settle very quickly. I was stopping myself from going for all this time because he’s there, but I realised I was cutting my nose off to spite my own face. My dad and a few close friends think that it will bring me peace to know I was strong enough to go back there and conquer this fear.

I tried a different city a few months back and while I loved the place, I was plagued with loneliness and I’m not sure being alone in a whole new place is what I need right now. Sure, I will make new friends when I’m back, but knowing that I have some friends there whom I can go and meet takes a big load off my mind. My aim is to go back, get a job and save towards my bigger goals. As I mentioned, I have zero desire to see him or interact with him, although I guess I should have a plan in place for the eventuality that he does reach out. I guess a simple no contact rule should suffice.

I just hope it’s not as difficult as I’m expecting it to be to be back there.
- This reply was modified 7 years, 9 months ago by Hopeful33.
July 13, 2016 at 11:11 am #109576
Miniature Bodhisattva
Participant
Hopefull33,

BTW, I neglected to mention the epilogue to my story – my ex and his soon-to-be wife moved away to another city. I mention this as a reminder that life is impermanent. Big cities are especially fluid…people seem to always be coming in and going. So this fella and the Mrs. may not be around much longer to potentially run into.

One final actionable item you might want to consider – open your heart to the possibility that this *won’t* be difficult. There’s a Cherokee (they’re a Native American tribe if you’re not from the States) parable of two wolves. In it a grandfather is telling his grandchild about how there are two wolves inside of each of us – one representing goodness and strength, the other anger and fear – fighting for control. The grandchild asks, “which one wins grandfather?” The grandfather replies, “the one you feed.” So do your best not to “feed” the wolf that thinks this will be a challenge. Instead, feed the wolf that represents your success by repeating positive mantras of “this is going to work out” and “I’m strong!” (Or whatever resonates with you.)

Good luck on your journey, whatever you may decide!
- This reply was modified 7 years, 9 months ago by Miniature Bodhisattva.
- This reply was modified 7 years, 9 months ago by Miniature Bodhisattva.
July 13, 2016 at 12:40 pm #109589

Anonymous
Guest

Dear Hopeful33:

It is exciting, to make this move after a year of not much going on, of recovering from this relationship and making a transformation. As you translocate yourself to that city to follow your dreams and meet your needs, you have a strong logic foundation at the moment, a reasonable, well thought of reasoning for moving. Be prepared for difficulties and challenges. There is only so much you can prepare in advance. You can’t prepare for the combinations of factors that will happen. I hope you keep posting here throughout your move and new life there. You will need social support there, a satisfactory job, a satisfactory living arrangement; strength and flexibility in meeting unpredictable challenges.

It will be an adventure; an adventure that already started. I am excited for you!

anita

July 13, 2016 at 2:19 pm #109595
Hopeful33
Participant
Miniaturebodhisattva,

Thank you 🙂

And you’re right – this city in particular is very transient, and I am 99 per cent sure they’ll settle back in his home country, because part of the reason his family were against him marrying me was the fact I didn’t want to live there. So they could head back there real soon.

I love the parable, and it’s something I was already thinking about – that perhaps by dreading it I’m feeding my fear of being there, which will make it a bigger issue than what it should be. Thanks for highlighting this to me – I need to focus on my strength. Just the other day I made a list of all the reasons why I’m a strong person, and it really helped me to reflect on all the things I’ve done that illustrate that strength.

Thanks again for the advice and taking the time to reply to me. Means a lot. 🙂
- This reply was modified 7 years, 9 months ago by Hopeful33.
July 13, 2016 at 2:23 pm #109597
Hopeful33
Participant
Anita,

Thank you so much 🙂 And you’re right – it is an adventure. I should be excited – excited about getting my life back on track, excited about ‘test driving’ the new me so to speak. It’s been a long 12 months, and I genuinely feel I’m coming out the other side a stronger, more ‘aware’ person, so I’m looking forward to moving forward with this new strength and self-compassion. I know it won’t be an easy ride – finding a job and place to live are two of the most stressful things – but I also know that I cannot get to where I want to get to if I don’t go through the difficult part. So I guess I have to take a deep breath and plunge into the pool with the conviction that I’ll make it through 🙂 I will definitely keep on posting – I’ve found your advice invaluable, so thanks again for taking the time to reply 🙂

Thank you for also questioning my motives for returning – it’s made me even more certain than ever that I’m going back for the right reasons.
- This reply was modified 7 years, 9 months ago by Hopeful33.
July 13, 2016 at 5:03 pm #109604

Anonymous
Guest

Dear Hopeful33:

It is refreshing to read your reasonable optimism and excitement. You are very welcome. I will be more than glad to reply to you every time you post, for as long as you want me to. Anytime, whether you are discouraged or encouraged. Have faith in yourself, in the work you have done, in moving forward no matter what, allowing the unavoidable ups and downs of moods and life circumstances.

It is exciting, definitely.

anita
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