Hi weepingdragon. I’m sorry you are going through an awful time in your life and seem to have been for a while now.

First off, I apologize, I have not read the entire thread as I am at work atm, but I just had to reply so I may say something or ask something you have already covered. 🙂

Regarding you feeling like you are inferior to others and feeling like you are unlovable, even though some human monsters out there have love, I think that feeling in itself is holding you back.

You are not unlovable, but sometimes when we think so strongly about something, about ourselves, it can seem like it becomes the only truth. It is a self fulfilling prophecy. You feel so unworthy and so much hate for yourself that in your interactions with others, this is what you are projecting, whether you realize it or not. People can tell a lot about you at times just by how you phrase things or you body language. Loving yourself and having some self confidence won’t solve everything, but it can help some things.

I have a friend similar to you, but she actually tells people how unlovable she is and is often complaining of her awful lot in life (thought she has been very blessed). Honestly, people don’t want to hear that. If they hear you yourself saying those things, then they will just believe it too and not give you a chance. You are worth it, but no one can force you to believe it…only you can make yourself realize it. From what I have read though, you are not actively telling everyone and anyone your plight, so that is a good start.

Also, where are you looking for potential friends or girlfriends? Do you have hobbies? What really lights you up and makes you lose track of time? When you find what you like to do, see if you can find a group, forum, class, or even a store where the hobbies you enjoy are at and where it’s talked about. I know it’s hard to talk to people, I’m a big introvert, so doing this online may be a good first step. Talk (type) to these people that like the same things as you do. You never know who you may find. Sometimes you find friends and girlfriends/boyfriends when you really aren’t looking at all. I myself found several good online friends just by liking some posts on fanficion sites and posting reviews.

At least if you go where there are other people that like the same thing(s), that first hurdle of awkwardness of not knowing what to talk about is gone. You already have that ice breaker and if you like/are passionate about the same things, you already have that “hook” to snag other people to talk to. 🙂

You are worth it, you just have to realize it and yes, it’s easier to say than do sometimes. But you are alive right now and you do have the ability to meet/talk to people. We all have limited time on this earth, use it while you can and don’t have expectations about interactions, just go with an open mind. If they want to chat, great, but if that don’t that’s ok too, there are a ton of people and friends out there for you…you just haven’t met them yet.

Also, you seem to think that these couples and people you see all smiles in relationship and even those bad people that have people that love them, you assume they are happy. Just remember, a smile can hide a lot and you don’t know what happens behind closed doors. No one is perfect and living a blissful, no troubles, no fears, no problems life, though it may look like it from the outside.

You say you’d like at least to have someone mistreat you so at least you have someone interested in you. Trust me, you do not want that…ever. You think how you feel is bad now? Think of how bad you’ll feel if you have an abuser telling you the same things you feel about yourself over and over, it would be double the agony and hate you feel for yourself now. I have depression, anxiety, OCD, and borderline personality disorder and yes it’s hard as heck to just be sometimes, but having someone hurt you just to feel loved is not the right way to go. You won’t feel loved and you won’t feel “at least I have this” when they are hitting you or calling you names. You are worth more than that, don’t make yourself a victim of someone else’s sickness.

Hugs and well wishes.

I’ve tried to post a few times and for some reason my post isn’t getting through. So I’ll try this again. I know how you feel Vany. I deal with this kind of thing on a daily basis. I don’t believe because you are receptionist it means that you should be taken advantage of and thrown work that is not yours and treated unfairly. I have a blog that talks about this exact issues because it affects so many people that work in the receptionist/admin jobs. Fee free to stop by if you’d like at aforassistant.com

I’m sorry you are going through this. It is a horrible feeling when you feel like your supervisors aren’t listening and/or not treating you right. I’ve dealt with this a lot, especially recently. Sometimes it just doesn’t matter how many times you try and stand up for yourself or take it to a higher supervisor…it just falls on deaf ears. At that time I think it is time to find another place of employment. I know that is easier said than done though.

As far as tattoo hurting, I found that none of mine hurt, but I only have three…one on each shoulder blade and one on the inner ankle. However, I would suggest thinking long and hard about getting any type of matching tattoo or a tattoo that reminds you of your girlfriend. You never know what may happen in the future and tattoos obviously are more or less permanent. It could cause you a lot of grief in the future if something were to happen with your relationship and you have to look at that tattoo all the time. I was pretty young and had a small matching scar done with my then fiance and boy do I regret it now. I don’t think of it a lot but when i see the scar it just makes me think of how silly and young I was and how mean and cruel he turned out to be.

Personally, I always require one year minimum to think about getting any tattoos. And as a rule, I will not get any real person’s name or a tattoo that reminds me of a person. It may be a negative thought but I feel that real people can sometimes turn out to be not so good or end up stabbing you in the back so it’s best if I don’t put a permanent reminder on my body just in case.

Good luck with whatever you decide though. 🙂

I was just thinking about standing up for myself today. I too am having a hard time at work and I don’t know how to deal with it. I don’t like confrontation and it makes it worse that the person I have an issue with is my boss. I’ve been working with this person for years but it just seems they keep getting worse. I’m in a two person office and my boss will listen to very loud music during the day, take up the entire kitchen area and leave messes everywhere, and constantly leaves my office door open when I want it closed…he has no respect for me or my office area and is so inconsiderate it is unbelievable.

You are not alone and I wish I had some advice for you. I would like to see what others say as well. I’ve mentioned a few things to my boss a while ago and it will be ok for a couple days and then it will just go back to how it was. I’ve applied for other jobs and I get no where even though I have lots of experience and a degree. I’m afraid I’m just going to blow up because I’m so aggravated one day but I don’t want to go off in a yelling rage, I want to be professional even though my boss is not. Plus when I’ve brought up things before this boss just acts like its no big deal and tries to laugh it off. It’s very discouraging.

We have to find a way that we can just relax and realize nothing bad will happen to us if we respectfully stand up for ourselves…the world won’t end…you won’t get punched in the face…it will be ok. It is easy to say but hard to do unfortunately.

Maybe Anita can weight in on this…she has some fantastic advice.