Hi, I feel like a fallen warrior.

I will not beat around the bush and come straight to the point- The dreams just don’t stop. I feel like a crazy person that I am dreaming about a person who left my life two months ago.

The dreams in the first few weeks were all about me and him sitting in a park, in the dark and he keeps on telling me my issues. When I used to wake up I used to understand that this was my brain telling me stuff.

Eventually scenarios changed, sometimes I found out that he was dealing with some terminal disease, sometimes I found out that he broke up to go out with another girl, once he barged into my house only to tell me how horrible I was and I would die alone. In all cases, It was never positive.

I did have one positive dream where he just sat with me in the same park and just said I am sorry.

I had dreams where in I was asking him whether we were wrong as people for each other or whether the timing was bad…

Nevertheless, In all scenarios I did understand that my brain was playing games with me and I used to be fine all day except for the sleeping part. I did not feel like sleeping, i was scared to sleep. But a tired body eventually sleeps. In short, destroyed my sleep cycle again.

Recently I was focusing all my energy on an event, The first of my list for my parents- celebrating their marriage anniversary with my own money. It was their 31st Anniversary and I told them in advance I was taking everyone out. Everyone was excited. I had planned everything and was happy for myself that good things were finally coming into my life. Two hours ahead of us heading out to the venue, something went wrong at the venue. They said they cannot host anybody today and are ready to compensate for everything. I tried calling other places, surprisingly every place was booked. I told my parents about the situation and that lets go out anyway. My parents did not say a word but their faces told me they were disappointed. We went out, ate at a small joint( One we always go to) and my father did not let me pay for it.

Something happened that day. I felt like a failure. when depressed I had been preparing for a Civil service Exam in my country and I decided I did not want to do it very earnestly because the pressure makes me very stressed and I don’t like being stressed. I saw the same look that was on my parent’s face when I told them i did not want to study for the exams anymore and instead want to pursue my masters.

So from past three days, All the thoughts of being a failure have resurfaced. I tried writing it out so as to let it out but it is not leaving me at all. The self love has turned into self loathing. I have six days to prepare for my M.A first year exams. Funniest bit- I am a student of Philosophy and yet …

This is what I wrote to let my feelings out-

I am taking this time to write something important. I could have done anything else, perhaps study for my exams, exams that are going to begin in some 7 days. But instead I chose to write today.

I feel our world, our education system, nay our parents and family… everyone has steered us into the wrong direction. They all asked us to follow the same age old road- Education, Career, if you find someone you care about in the first two stages, you marry them or you keep on trying to find someone to love again and again- Marriage becomes a mistake then, the next stage is having kids and then waiting for old age and ultimately death to arrive. Some do it in this sequence, some change it but ultimately it is these things that make a human life worth living.

I am at a stage in life, where everything seems nonsensical and without a purpose. I aced through school and college, and then I got tired of everything. The only thing that kept me working for the future was the concept of love. I loved someone. In a manner that consumed me and when he left, it left me with nothing. Soon I felt like I was failing in all aspects of my life. I failed as a daughter when I could not keep jobs or study harder to give them a position in society that everyone would appreciate; I felt I failed as a sister when my brother could no longer look up to me seeing the epitome of success. I failed as a partner when he left without saying a word about why he actually wanted to leave. Perhaps I failed at making him comfortable around me. I failed as a granddaughter when I harboured regrets about my behaviour towards them. I failed as a friend when my best friend stopped talking to me altogether, she was right somewhere I did ignore her.

At this point of my life, I only feel like a failure and the ghost of my successful past comes to haunt me. I really want the bad dream to be over but it never does.

I just want to sleep and sleep till I vanish into nothingness. I don’t want to know what I am actually feeling. I wanted to kill myself but I know I am not strong enough to ever do it, the pain before dying, It scares me.

I feel like a weak person who has no strength to do anything for herself. Also I do need to say this, I feel like I have a lot to say to someone but I don’t want to seem weak in front of anybody. I don’t want to blame anybody for my situations, It is only me who can do it. But the stress of exams and that I am not able to concentrate is just adding to the problem.

Till I don’t let go of the negativity, I don’t think I can love myself or anything. I know for sure, I don’t want to love any person again. Being in the state I am, I will just depend on them eventually for my emotions and that is what I don’t want.

Actually to be really honest, my parents have never restricted me from talking to people or going out…unless the call was really long or if I came home late…

The behaviour of his mother was something different to me and I never quite accepted it, the very first time he complained, I told him to talk to her and talk about boundaries and he said that I don’t know his mum and he cannot talk to her about anything without shouting. After that I never discussed or suggested anything in this regard and unlike in other matters he did not even ask for my opinion.

I remember he did not tell me this but when he made me meet his cousin brother once, he told me are you really sure about him, his anger issues are really bad, do you know he ran away from his home one night after a bad argument with his mum when he was 16. We searched and searched and found him at a park really far away from home… It was difficult to convince him to come back. Make sure you know him well before dating him to which I had replied that

He might have been that way, it was his past. I don’t want to judge him on that but I have never seen him getting angry with me in a way that I cannot handle so I think I know who I am dating and I am sure about him.

His cousin’s words seemed harsh to me and I did not think about that incident until now that I am inspecting his current behaviour, the pressure of family and his past.

His college friends also had Something similar to say that he has anger management issues but to be frank he never remained angry with me more than 15-20 mins.

He had told me when in senior high, he took meditation classes on his mother’s insistence and that had calmed him down a lot since childhood. And he told me this before I met the cousin or his college friends. He never really connected to people, made friends but soon used to find faults with them. He is not a bad man but he has trouble communicating his feelings to people and so when they take advantage to him, he will wait and wait and wait till it is too much and then just burst with angry words and stop talking to them.

His first complaint regarding her was always that she does not give him enough space and freedom. Every time we used to talk he had to go out of his home because his mother tried to listen to our conversation. He was 22 by the time he finished his college and since his college was in the same city, he did not opt for the hostel. And very often he would complain that I am a 22-year-old who cannot shut the door of his own room because his mother does not want him to.

I used to go home only in the holidays as my university and my home-town were in different states. So he used to say that I am lucky that I don’t have to explain the reason I want to go out with my friends, to eat, to go explore someplace.

Apart from that, he used to complain how she counted each penny whenever she used to give him money to buy anything. He said I am her own child, why can’t she trust me that I will not spend the money if I have not asked for it. He really hated reporting back to her after he used any money. I remember during his college days, Most mornings he would call me and ask me to change his mood because he was angry that she did not give him enough money for fuel and lunch so he would have to share with friends.

My mum is the same way, I guess most mums are, there are still living in the era when they were young when it comes to prices of things. But thankfully my father took over whenever I needed money during college.

He deleted our conversations on Whatsapp every day because his mum used to check his phone when he was asleep. And that is how she got to know that he was dating me, He slept midway our conversation once and of course, could not delete the texts, She read them all and asked him about me the next day.

Every time I have heard him speak to her on call, I have always heard him either shouting or saying that I am good, I ate, I am healthy, I will call later. Unless she needed his help with her net banking or something, he was not patient with her on calls. I used to always tell him that do you hug your mum or do you make her feel loved and he used to say she is my mum, we don’t do hugs and gestures.

Being comfortable with receiving money, no he never was. He used to tell me in college that I will make it a point that once I have enough I either take your parents around the world or buy them a car or something. He felt guilty and sometimes booked me movie tickets even when I did not want them, for my siblings too along with me. He bought me earrings and a dress but that was out of his savings before he started earning. after starting his job, he used to say I will return and he did use to pay for food and other expenses when I used to visit him but he was never in a rush, especially because in the start I used to say that its okay, you don’t need to return it immediately, return it when you have money. With time I stopped saying this line, and He used to say that he feels like the girl in the relationship because I take care of him lot more.

The day he broke up, he also talked about something he never spoke about all the time we were together, he told me his mum used to earn more than his father and they used to fight a lot and his family used to dislike her because of that. That is why he said that only if he earned well, he would come back for me, otherwise no.

He asked her for money when he moved to the city so that until his first salary, he has some money to eat. I had already arranged his stay with my friend so he did not pay for first two months.

He always said that I was more endowed because I could do whatever I want(Career) when he has to think about the costs and his mother. He was specially tensed since she would be retiring this November.

As far as I know, He did not ask her for any more money again, He went home once so she gave him around 15k to take a flat but he spent it on food and lived in a hostel which costed him more but was more comfortable to him after a tiring day at work