I can understand your situation, I am thankful for Monsoons(Rain Clouds that come from Indian Ocean) otherwise the summer heat is quite a lot here… 44°-48°C was the range this summer. Fans won’t help and I don’t have AC in my room… Unless a person Sleeps in our living room which has an AC, they will be roasted in the heat overnight (laughing emoji)

Don’t worry, I will get over the irritation soon as I know now that everything is coming from the work pressure. I will draw the boundaries now. How much I can handle and how much I cannot. And the reason you pointed out… I suspect the same because only the new employees have issues with payments… All the ones in senior position are drawing good salaries (Disappointed emoji).

Hi TeaK,

Yeah, Currently I focus all my energy only on being happy and stress-free. I have been working really hard at work due to the pressure but I am also focusing whatever little time i get before bed in finding a good programme for me.

Yes, studying further might push the marriage but I don’t want to say that to my parents because they might not let me go if they get to know.

I hope you are healthy and happy as well. I will write again in a few days. <3

• This reply was modified 2 years, 10 months ago by Ik09.

Hi Anita,

I can understand the fear in you. A good government gives confidence to it’s citizens to grow better while a bad one will always shift the responsibility for their decisions to the citizens and the opposition.

Even my family and friends have been vaccinated and waiting for our turns for the final booster shots.

About work, The place that I am working at is an advertising agency. It is a mid sized company and has been good to its employees in the past but due to losses in the current situation, we were all either underpaid or have been given threats to be laid off if we are unable to bring business within a period of 6 months.

I am happy to inform though that my research paper which I worked on past year during the lockdown has been accepted by a reputed journal(within India) and will soon be published. And because of that I got some confidence in me and have started researching and finding out about my options for a PhD programme at a foreign university, I am evaluating my options based on availability of scholarships and also preparing for good Indian colleges as well.

The job is fine but it makes me overwork and underpaid(currently) so creates dissatisfaction in me. And I want to do something where I keep growing better. So, I am continuing to work here but I am trying to find better options.

About being afraid of love and intimacy, it is true. Because I unconsciously push even friends away. I have been afraid of doing that to people I love as well. But in all honesty, with the recent ex, I really wanted things to work. I had worked hard for a job in the same city as his… But due to pandemic, a lot changed. The place I was accepted for an internship cancelled my internship. Because of which I had to join another company online which wasn’t good enough. And since the lockdown here continued, so even during placements, I did not have a lot of options. So I chose whatever seemed good enough that time. I actually wanted to be in the same city, explore each other better, go on dates, hang out in each other’s places, have an experience of being around one another to know how life would be.

This I didn’t want with my first ex because I was afraid I might not be able to tolerate his anger issues, which was true… During the last year of our relationship, we often fought on small issues. We didn’t stay mad at each other for long but the fights were numerous. So I was actually afraid of a life with him.

But it was different with the last guy. But yes the intimacy issue exists. I have given time over it and thought about it.

I will have to work on it going forward. I want to have a happy life now on, life will always have challenges but I don’t want to be stressed about everything all the time. Some dept. should be peaceful, shouldn’t it?

TeaK,

Don’t worry too much about her reaction. I love how you felt you needed to defend me, I felt you feel I am your friend too but as for Anita, she always came to my rescue, every single time I needed help.

I don’t find either of you wrong.

Anita had told me that I have attention-seeking behaviour in the past as well. But I only take the advice which coincides with me, if I feel it isn’t, I don’t think too much about it. Reason being that all you guys know about me is through my words only. And moreover, you guys help us think better, all the people who are posting. So I do think about all you guys say…. but if i feel that I don’t have tendencies as mentioned, I do not spend a lot of time stressing over it. If it bothers me a lot, will come and talk to you guys about it. So don’t worry.

I respect both of you immensely and have grown to love you as my friends.

Anita, sometimes we do not expect the replies we get. Let’s take it in our strides and think about all opinions before taking a strong step. I know you did it for your own mental sanity but TeaK here feels guilty about hurting you verbally when it wasn’t her intention. I hope you interact with her again and please use my thread to do so. I don’t mind at all.

We have no retakes at life, let’s not leave anyone unhappy or discontent.

Love and Respect,

Ik09

I saw the posts, you both left each other. Everyone has a life and it has varying moments with varying emotions. Nobody can be on a constant behaviour all the time and so I don’t see it as a disruption at all. I wish you both well as well. And Although I hope I don’t need to come back here but situations are not in our hands, right? Sometimes, we are overwhelmed and we seek others. I have opened up to my friends very honestly, told them of my insecurities and trust issues and they seemed to take it well. Thank god for such people. I am blessed.

I start maintaining a gratitude diary when I am too disappointed with life. I will begin again from today. Although I am not disappointed currently. I just want to write about all of you, the good people. The people who care. People who struggle, people who don’t give up and people who bring change.

I will come again if I am so utterly lost that I can comprehend my own thoughts but thanks to both of you and my friends… I feel more optimistic about everything.

I want to achieve my dreams, no more backseats. Now is the time.

I will leave a link to my website and blog here as well when I finish uploading the stories I am currently working on.

And you both are dear to me. I know you might not think much of it. But I think of you guys as my friends and have a sense of trust because of which I come here to talk about everything. I hope you would see me in the same light. Take care both of you and I hope the next time I post, I am not sad and lost instead am leaving links to my stories.

Love

Ik09

Dear TeaK,

Even reading what you said made me tear up. I will try doing that, I don’t think it actively but it kind of tortures me inside. I realized this when you pointed it out, my thoughts are a bit foggy these days. I could not figure out why I felt sad, I think I have a little idea now. I was belittling myself again, unknowingly.

Regarding the arranged marriage scenario, due to the postponement of my sister’s marriage- their focus thankfully remains there. And yes, it is something which is an unsaid rule in our family. If you want to marry by your own choice, have a stable relationship when you are asked about marriage by your parents. If you are single, then you are not given time to go and explore on your own. You marry their suggestion, Yes you can choose amongst those but the set of prospects will be their choice, and the final one can be yours. But only till you don’t cross a certain age. Like 32 was the maximum for my parents, after which my sister was forced by all relatives and my parents to marry the guy they chose.

Haha, you made a little joke there. I like it. I will prepare myself better. I need time to cope up though. I will be busy tomorrow on, again. I will come back in a week again. take care, I will as well.