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I need Help…Again!

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Viewing 15 posts - 91 through 105 (of 108 total)
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  • #377874
    Ik09
    Participant

    I will try my best, I am focusing my heart and soul on all things I enjoy. Spending some parts of my savings on things that I have wanted for a long time but I kept denying myself all of it thinking one day I will get them.

    I keep telling everyone that are you expecting that you will get a re-do of your life that you keep denying yourself happiness and here I am doing the same thing every time I am sad and stuck.

    Time to apply it to me. I am still feeling fear in terms of letting people too close. But I think it will eventually go away.

    As for overthinking about him, His name is the commonest name in my country so even when I switch the overthinking mode off, something or the other reminds me of him but I know it will happen only for sometime ……. and then it will be okay, right?

    #377878
    anita
    Participant

    Dear IkO9:

    You fear “letting people too close” and you fear being alone. The solution has been: having a long-distance relationship. With rare physical proximity to boyfriends, you got rare physical closeness, occasional emotional closeness via texts, phone and otherwise online,  and lots and lots of alone time.

    Because his name is the commonest name in India, and because whenever you hear the name, you are reminded of him, here is what I suggest: print out a photo of a good looking Indian young man with this common name, a celebrity perhaps, and carry the photo with you. Whenever you hear the name- look at the photo.

    anita

    #377900
    TeaK
    Participant

    Dear lk09,

    it’s a good strategy to focus on the things you enjoy and to “pamper”yourself, give yourself the best care and nurturance, and also new experiences.

    Are you in touch with your girlfriend who offered to be your support buddy?

    It’s only normal you’re thinking about him sometimes, but when he does pop in your mind, don’t just think of the (rare) good times when you felt close, don’t think at the beginning of your relationship when things were good, but think about the entire 2.5 years and the times he rejected you, told you he needs a break, is interested in other women and can’t be with you. Try not to remember him with those rose-colored glasses on, but take them off.  See the reality of it, see that a lot of that relationship was suffering for you.

    You wanted to be his No1, and you got that place only in the beginning perhaps, but he immediately started asking for breaks, questioning your relationship because of your sister’s disapproval, and later drinking and watching online porn, telling you he wants to explore other women. This isn’t how someone who loves you and values you behaves.

    What you’re missing is a dream of a perfect relationship that in reality you never had with him, or perhaps there were occasional glimpses but they would go away the very next day. The dream never lasted, but you kept chasing it.

    If you want to move on, see things as they are, and also that the dream of someone healing your internal craving – is an impossible  dream. Only you can heal your craving, only you can give that inner child what she really needs.

    Speaking of pictures, perhaps you can put up a picture of yourself as a child, to remind you of the person who now needs your attention and appreciation and love the most…

    • This reply was modified 2 weeks, 5 days ago by TeaK.
    #377907
    Ik09
    Participant

    There is a famous cricketer in the team I support by the same name so Perhaps I will refer to his photos. Hehe, what has my life come down to…

    Yeah, you are right Anita but it was not a conscious choice. It just so happened that I met both the guys that I dated in a long-distance situation. I want to in fact experience how it feels to date someone in the same city, but I don’t feel like I want to date anymore.

    I want to experience more of myself currently.

    As for my friend, her father is fighting covid-19 in the hospital so we are in touch but we talk for short while and definitely not about me.

     

    What the world wouldn’t give to have the time we wasted mercilessly in the past so many years… God knows who would be alive and who wouldn’t by the time we get through this pandemic…

     

    #377908
    anita
    Participant

    Dear IkO9:

    You wrote, “I don’t feel like I want to date anymore”- in the previous long-distance relationship, you met your then long-distance boyfriend six times only: do you think that you dated him during those six times only, or do you think of texting, talking on the phone with him (over years) as dating?

    In the most recent long-distance relationship, you spent part of six weeks in his physical presence: do you consider the times you met with him during those six weeks as dating, or do you consider the texting/ phone calls/ online communicating over the years as dating as well?

    anita

    • This reply was modified 2 weeks, 4 days ago by anita.
    #377931
    Ik09
    Participant

    those 6 times with the previous ex- were 6 weeks as well… With my previous ex-, it was more of a habit because of the frequency of the communication between us. He called me anywhere he was. And the communication was too much now that I think of it. I behaved like a love-forlorn puppy when it ended and I will accept it today that it was more of a blow to my ego because I often felt that I could be with someone better in terms of understanding and someone who was calmer instead of being hot-tempered like him. He had left me alone in a deserted street at 11 pm in a fit of anger because he had left his phone behind in a cab. He was unable to gather his thoughts and while I activated all google functions of his phone from mine so that anyone who gets his phone would inform us on my phone. anyways we found the phone the next day- due to the google functions, someone found it and gave it to him. No points about his anger but more that I always felt I was taking care of him. And within a year and a half, I wanted the relationship to end but he was already struggling so much in his life that I did not want to make life more difficult for him. I had mentioned it to him before but he used to dismiss it saying that we haven’t met in so long that is why you feel this way.

    A relationship should be 50-50. So, that relationship’s break-up although hurt me but it is because he didn’t end it when I said but ended it when he felt was convenient for him. If you re-read the description of my dreams I had then…they all speak of how my self-esteem had taken a hit.

    And as I said I don’t actually, what ‘dating’ is, because of the distance.

    Recent one-

    I don’t actually know what I think of it, I just know that there was an emotion(Perhaps still is hidden within) too strong which neither of us could understand. I am saying this because we often discussed this that why do we still care for one another? I have not heard of one couple who still had feelings for one another with as less communication and meet-ups as us. We even broke up on the issue that since we have met so less there must be only habit holding us together. We had no communication for almost 43 days. Then suddenly he texted because the moving-on plan wasn’t working. It was that night itself that I was thinking to myself that why am I in this situation and why do I keep feeling for him when I haven’t even spent a month with him together.

    It has bothered both of us so it is not about what I consider or not. It was a situation that I never understood. And still don’t understand.

     

    What I meant about not dating again in the earlier post was that I don’t wish to indulge with anyone for some time.

    #377944
    anita
    Participant

    Dear IkO9:

    “I don’t wish to indulge with anyone for some time”-  in two relationships, years long, you experienced a lot of unnecessary drama, conflict and distress. No wonder you want a break from that experience!

    You spent only 12 weeks with the two men in physical proximity: 3 months of being able to hold hands, to go for a walk together, to share a meal, to look at each other’s eyes, etc.. Even during those rare opportunities to be physically together, you experienced unnecessary drama and distress, such as in that night that ended with you being left at 11 pm on a deserted street.

    I hope you rest well from these two long-term, long-distance experiences and enjoy some peace of mind in which you find new hope, and the knowing that you indeed are worthy of a better relationship experience!

    anita

    #377956
    TeaK
    Participant

    Dear lk09,

    I am sorry that your friend’s father is in hospital fighting covid – I hope he’ll make it and fully recover!

    Regarding your previous ex:

    I always felt I was taking care of him. And within a year and a half, I wanted the relationship to end but he was already struggling so much in his life that I did not want to make life more difficult for him.

    So what you’re saying is that you sacrificed yourself for him, because you didn’t want to leave him to struggle with his own problems. You thought you should help him. You have put him – the person who selfishly leaves you in the middle of the night on a deserted street – before your own well-being and your own interest. This is how you were conditioned in your family – to sacrifice yourself for your sister, to never fight back if she would strike you, to accept her abuse… Perhaps he even reminded you of her a little, with his anger and hot temper. With time, you realized he’s beneath you and you don’t want to be with such a crude person any more.

    You then looked for someone more sensible and calm – the opposite of your sister – and that was your recent ex. With him, you didn’t feel weak, like a puppy, and at the mercy of his anger. You felt strong and confident, you were his superwoman. Now you were at least saving someone deserving to be saved – this gentle, sensitive guy who was so opposite of your sister. Do you think there might be a connection there? It never occurred to me before, but I guess it’s possible…

    I just know that there was an emotion(Perhaps still is hidden within) too strong which neither of us could understand. I am saying this because we often discussed this that why do we still care for one another? … I was thinking to myself that why am I in this situation and why do I keep feeling for him when I haven’t even spent a month with him together.

    I believe it was because of the dream of “what could be” that you were holding on to him. He was perfect for you from several aspects. One of his features you liked was his calm, sensible demeanor – possibly guaranteeing that he’d be different from your sister and that life with him would be peaceful and pleasant. And that you would be his No1 – something that you’ve never experienced in your childhood home. So he had a lot of potential, a lot of promise. There was a chance that your dream would come true… I think that’s the reason you were holding on to him.

     

    #378639
    Ik09
    Participant

    I am doing okay, missing him a lot today. I was thinking of this…about being attached to the dream of what could be and I think it is true. I have met so many people, both men, and women, and yet I never had another human understand me so well as he could. I was afraid if I would get someone ever again who is so close to me as he was and so effortlessly.

     

    Anyways, I am happy for now in my own company. I am dying at work, the target is too huge for a fresher and they are pushing us too hard but I am putting all my efforts in. My sister’s marriage got postponed again due to covid situation. So, my parents are stressed again.  There is a ceremony in our state which I am ashamed of but it is the tradition so my parents follow it blindly. The male members of the bride and groom’s family meet and the bride’s family bring gifts for the groom’s family. in the olden days, the gifts were sweets and fruits. Today it is everything you can imagine….”dowry” included. So a brand new car came to my house today, a TV, a fridge, a microwave, and dozens of other things along with jewelry made in valuable metals.  So although the groom’s family agreed to let the wedding be postponed they want this ceremony to be held tomorrow itself. I don’t want a marriage like that and seeing the way everything was brought and packed, made me feel really uncomfortable. Anyway, this made my parents happy though because this means that the wedding will take place sooner or later.

     

    I have been dancing these days, made two reels too….it was the first time I dared to put it up…. I have such insecurities about people commenting on me in the past but people encouraged me, applauded even. Old friends reconnected, said they were waiting for a day to come when I would come out of my shell.

    It felt good. I made a plan chart, I will start writing again from May 3rd and finish the pending work fast.

    These are the things going on with me. How are you guys? Anita and TeaK?

    #378645
    anita
    Participant

    Dear IkO9:

    I am fine, thank you for asking and good to read from you today! Good to read that you are enjoying your own company, and that you’ve been dancing.

    Keep yourself as calm as possible as you face the stresses in the contexts of (1) your workplace, (2) the ceremony tomorrow and the postponement of the wedding, and  (3) the troubling state of the pandemic.

    Keep your feet on the ground, that is, do your best to act in sensible, practical ways while exciting/ troubling things are happening around you.

    anita

    #378648
    TeaK
    Participant

    Dear lk09,

    good to hear from you! I am fine, thank you. I am glad you’re happy in your own company, dancing and making plans for writing again. It’s also great your old friends have reached out, making a note that you’ve been hiding in your shell before, but now you’re opening up…

    I do wish you to “survive” the ceremony tomorrow… I guess your presence won’t be needed, since only the male members participate? I also understand you don’t like traditional weddings, with such expensive gifts and all the “pomp and circumstance”… I guess I’d be intimated as well…

    So try to keep cool as much as you can, and please do take care, specially having in mind the surge of infections in India.. how’s your friend’s father, who was in hospital?

     

    #378691
    Ik09
    Participant

    Her father is doing well now and has been discharged as well.

    As soon as my father returned home today after the ceremony, he was like now I am free from the stress of the elder daughter’s future and then looked at me and told me I have found a great family for you- the boy is in allied services, his father is a professor and mother a teacher. You will be so happy. It scared the shit out of me. And on top of that, he said your sister rejected so many good guys, the best proposals were rejected by her, now she was forced to settle with an average family. It is good but I wished she had chosen when she had the choice and got a better family and a better husband. Now she is so old that there are no good eligible guys left. So, I won’t let you reject guys right left and center like her. Learn to adjust and compromise.

    I feel so scared and hurt. I so wish I fell in love with someone who took responsibility for his decisions, I could have taken his name confidently knowing that my parents need not look for people who will be bought through these costly gifts for me. I wish I fell in love with someone who could take a leap of faith and jump into these marriage discussions rather than just wanting to jump in bed with me.

     

    I know this feeling will pass soon but it hurts a lot currently. There is no standing up for yourself in such cases, either you make the people who took care of you all your life sad and disappointed or you make them happy. Either way I won’t be happy.

     

    • This reply was modified 1 week, 3 days ago by Ik09.
    #378695
    anita
    Participant

    Dear IkO9:

    Your father suggested that you meet a man for a possible marriage, a son of a professor and a teacher, who is “in allied services” (what does it mean, allied services?)

    The man he is suggesting for you may be a better candidate for marriage than the men you chose for yourself in the past, men who didn’t make any positive difference in your life long-term. Maybe the man your father is suggesting is a good man, suitable for marriage, a man who will make a positive difference in your life long-term, as in a good marriage.

    anita

    • This reply was modified 1 week, 3 days ago by anita.
    #378697
    Ik09
    Participant

    Allied services are People employed in higher ranks of Govt. services…

    Maybe you are right Anita but I feel so scared inside.

    #378699
    anita
    Participant

    Dear IkO9:

    Being employed in the higher ranks of the government sounds like a secure employment which is good for a marriage. I understand that you are so scared inside, but there is no real danger for you in meeting this man, as long as you both wear masks and keep socially distanced. Coming to think about it, it might make you feel more comfortable knowing that you will not sit or stand too close to him.

    anita

Viewing 15 posts - 91 through 105 (of 108 total)

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