fbpx
Menu

Ik09

Forum Replies Created

Viewing 15 posts - 136 through 150 (of 159 total)
  • Author
    Posts
  • in reply to: I don't know what to do with myself #209353
    Ik09
    Participant

    Hi, I feel like a fallen warrior.

    I will not beat around the bush and come straight to the point- The dreams just don’t stop. I feel like a crazy person that I am dreaming about a person who left my life two months ago.

    The dreams in the first few weeks were all about me and him sitting in a park, in the dark and he keeps on telling me my issues. When I used to wake up I used to understand that this was my brain telling me stuff.

    Eventually scenarios changed, sometimes I found out that he was dealing with some terminal disease, sometimes I found out that he broke up to go out with another girl, once he barged into my house only to tell me how horrible I was and I would die alone. In all cases, It was never positive.

    I did have one positive dream where he just sat with me in the same park and just said I am sorry.

    I had dreams where in I was asking him whether we were wrong as people for each other or whether the timing was bad…

     

    Nevertheless, In all scenarios I did understand that my brain was playing games with me and I used to be fine all day except for the sleeping part. I did not feel like sleeping, i was scared to sleep. But a tired body eventually sleeps. In short, destroyed my sleep cycle again.

     

    Recently I was focusing all my energy on an event, The first of my list for my parents- celebrating their marriage anniversary with my own money. It was their 31st Anniversary and I told them in advance I was taking everyone out. Everyone was excited. I had planned everything and was happy for myself that good things were finally coming into my life. Two hours ahead of us heading out to the venue, something went wrong at the venue. They said they cannot host anybody today and are ready to compensate for everything. I tried calling other places, surprisingly every place was booked. I told my parents about the situation and that lets go out anyway. My parents did not say a word but their faces told me they were disappointed. We went out, ate at a small joint( One we always go to) and my father did not let me pay for it.

    Something happened that day. I felt like a failure. when depressed I had been preparing for a Civil service Exam in my country and I decided I did not want to do it very earnestly because the pressure makes me very stressed and I don’t like being stressed. I saw the same look that was on my parent’s face when I told them i did not want to study for the exams anymore and instead want to pursue my masters.

    So from past three days, All the thoughts of being a failure have resurfaced. I tried writing it out so as to let it out but it is not leaving me at all. The self love has turned into self loathing. I have six days to prepare for my M.A first year exams. Funniest bit- I am a student of Philosophy and yet …

     

    This is what I wrote to let my feelings out-

    I am taking this time to write something important. I could have done anything else, perhaps study for my exams, exams that are going to begin in some 7 days. But instead I chose to write today.

     

    I feel our world, our education system, nay our parents and family… everyone has steered us into the wrong direction. They all asked us to follow the same age old road- Education, Career, if you find someone you care about in the first two stages, you marry them or you keep on trying to find someone to love again and again- Marriage becomes a mistake then, the next stage is having kids and then waiting for old age and ultimately death to arrive. Some do it in this sequence, some change it but ultimately it is these things that make a human life worth living.

    I am at a stage in life, where everything seems nonsensical and without a purpose. I aced through school and college, and then I got tired of everything. The only thing that kept me working for the future was the concept of love. I loved someone. In a manner that consumed me and when he left, it left me with nothing. Soon I felt like I was failing in all aspects of my life. I failed as a daughter when I could not keep jobs or study harder to give them a position in society that everyone would appreciate; I felt I failed as a sister when my brother could no longer look up to me seeing the epitome of success. I failed as a partner when he left without saying a word about why he actually wanted to leave. Perhaps I failed at making him comfortable around me. I failed as a granddaughter when I harboured regrets about my behaviour towards them. I failed as a friend when my best friend stopped talking to me altogether, she was right somewhere I did ignore her.

    At this point of my life, I only feel like a failure and the ghost of my successful past comes to haunt me. I really want the bad dream to be over but it never does.

     

    I just want to sleep and sleep till I vanish into nothingness. I don’t want to know what I am actually feeling. I wanted to kill myself but I know I am not strong enough to ever do it, the pain before dying, It scares me.

    I feel like a weak person who has no strength to do anything for herself. Also I do need to say this, I feel like I have a lot to say to someone but I don’t want to seem weak in front of anybody. I don’t want to blame anybody for my situations, It is only me who can do it. But the stress of exams and that I am not able to concentrate is just adding to the problem.

     

     

    Till I don’t let go of the negativity, I don’t think I can love myself or anything. I know for sure, I don’t want to love any person again. Being in the state I am, I will just depend on them eventually for my emotions and that is what I don’t want.

    in reply to: My dream boyfriend changed all of a sudden #206975
    Ik09
    Participant

    Why do you need to be in a relationship with another man….but you need to figure out this one, I will tell you something which might seem unfathomable now, but will happen eventually.

    you will fall in love again. Let me tell you a story…

    My elder sister was around 23 when she was heartbroken and thought she will never find love. She rejected numerous proposals for her “Arranged marriage”.

    When she was 26, my father asked her to talk to a guy on call. He was a prospective groom and my father knew him well. She talked to him thinking of telling him everything about her heartbreaking love story so that either the guy rejects her or she will.

    The guy listened to everything and asked her to keep talking so that he should know whose fault it actually was that my sister was in pain for such a long time. At first, She used to sigh defeated and would pick up his calls but with time, she started enjoying talking to him.

    My father was noticing all this and I was his informer. 🙂

    Her marriage was near about fixed to this guy when one day my father said that he does not want to marry right now.

    My sister was heartbroken again. This was somewhat a year after they had started talking in the first place. My sister was shocked and sad because he did not say anything about it to her, instead told his parents so. In anger and pain, she blocked him everywhere and painfully continued with her job.

    This guy was then posted in the Chennai and my sister in Banglore. My sister was 27 then.

    two years later, she gets transferred to Pune and started working in a new office. She was happy in her independence but lonely at heart.

    And one day she met this guy, the prospective groom, whom she detested. She got to know that he was working in the same building in a different office which was four floors above her office. Out of civility, she talked to him and he insisted they must grab dinner together. She agreed.

    At dinner, He asked her why she blocked him everywhere and stopped talking to him without telling him. She asked him why he could not tell her to her face that he did not want to marry her, she told him how humiliating it was, everyone blamed her for the rejection.

    And he said that his parents had told him that our father(girl’s father) did not want to marry her within this family. After a lot of conversations and confrontations for a few days, they got to know that the groom’s family wanted some dowry and since our father had not talked anything related to dowry, they told our father that the groom was not ready while told something else to the groom.

    The guy said he still wants to marry her and that is why he did not marry anybody else till now. they together convinced everyone and since my parents had no objection even earlier, it was settled.

    At 29, My sister found love and got married to him too.

    Some love stories are not the usual- girl boy meet on their own, fall in love, struggle to convince people and then get married.

    I know you have already accepted him in your mind but I feel disregarding your parents is not a good thing.

    I remember I liked a guy in my school years. He approached me when I was in college but after talking for few days, I got to know that He belonged to SC category and Although I don’t differentiate amongst people, I see relationships as permanent which means that If I fall for someone, I envisage my future with them. In this case, I knew the only way I can marry this guy is by disappointing my parents and it was something very foolish to me. I told him the real reason that we are brahmins and you belong to a scheduled caste, your parents will be fine with me but my parents will disown me. And My parents are, and will always come first in my life. They have given me all comforts and took care of all my needs, I cannot go against them. He was a nice man but he would have never fit into my family. My family is reputed in my city, because of my grandparents as well as my father and I cannot throw it all away for my momentary happiness(I know I cannot be happy if my parents don’t communicate with me). He was hurt but he understood, He got married a year ago, people in his community get married early. If I had committed to him, I would have to forget my career and my dreams.

    While love is nice and feels like everything, One can love again and again. When it comes to passion, now that is rare. But not impossible to find, choose someone who shares your thoughts and ideas but has different hobbies(Maybe one should be same in order to enjoy it together). Even if arranged, your marriage would not be forced on you. You can still choose and negotiate.

    Tell me more of your thoughts.

     

    in reply to: My dream boyfriend changed all of a sudden #206933
    Ik09
    Participant

    From what you have said, I think in your situation, it will be best to give the relationship a try when your emotions don’t overpower you. Right now, that is the case. If you don’t mind me asking- what are you doing in your career sphere, as in you feel your parents will allow you if you have a great career, so are you studying or working, what exactly are you pursuing right now?

    Also, make sure that he has stopped all contact with the “Unworthy one”. And by all, I mean all. Boys find an excuse to stay in touch. I remember this ex of mine, he left me because he felt he found his TRUE love, I was sad but not devastated because I felt TRUE love is rare and he should pursue her. Turns out she stayed with him for her financial needs, left him within two months and wanted me to take him back. I told him that it was not possible because I want to be single till I feel I have found MY Truelove.  So, this guy tried numerous ways, kept video calling me, calling me and stuff. I asked him to stop contacting me as I felt it would make things complicated. He was of a different community, a Marwari to be exact and my parents are very rigid regarding caste. So About a year later, this ex of mine is dormant and we do talk but only on festivals and birthdays. no emotions involved. I was happy in my life, doing very well in college, excelling in everything I touched and Felt like Midas. I meet a man from a different state and fall in love, however, before embarking on a love affair, I ask him his caste as this is important to my parents and we belonged to the same caste. even for me, relationships are something permanent, If I am putting efforts, I want results. So this relationship was when I felt I found my true love, but due to some health issues, I came back to my home state, where my ex, lived.

    He tried offering me company in ABSENCE of my partner. I felt disgusted and would not respond to him after that. Cut to a month later, he calls, then texts then calls ….texts said it was an emergency. I picked up the call to help and got to know that the emergency was that he was having trouble with a girl he loves. LOVES. okay, I help him and he thanks me and seems to me all is fine.

    Exactly three months later, I get to know through mutual friends and FB that he is engaged to a girl he loves, excited for him I tell my friends that Yes I know he loves her and I tell them the girl’s name. They laughed at me saying that the girl’s name is something else and they have been in love with her for two-three now.

    turns out he left me for someone else, asked me for help when he was in love with someone else and was marrying someone else. He lied about the number of years they were together for. It was exactly three months.

    So boys can be easily swayed… some guys remain loyal but even the most loyal ones stray off the path once or twice.

    the guy I said I found true love with, I immersed myself too much like I said I do and He left. there were many reasons involved but my extreme love and the insecurity it produces was also a major reason.

    So, Happi please tell him to wait for you again till you are not so much in love. That old relationship is dead and if you continue with that, it will cause you pain. I can guarantee either he will cheat on you or YOU will break up because the old love will not exist.

    Give yourself time to move on and then start over afresh if you still really want to.

    Ik09
    Participant

    I understand but it was unfair on her part to think that you could read between the lines all the time. Women often do that, I used to do that a lot too till the guy I was dating made me realize my mistake. Reading between the lines is okay sometimes but only when the girl is leaving hints behind, if not then it is unfair to think of our partner as a magician who can take care of everything without us telling them the issues.

    As for anything else she helped you with, there is only one rule with all relationships between humans, effective communication. Too much of it is bad, too less is bad. You and your ex-wife are on good terms and will take care of your daughters very well. It is only a matter of time, I am sure they will make both of you proud.

    Don’t keep reminiscing about things, it is the what holds us back.  keep writing whenever you have any outbursts. here to listen. 🙂

    in reply to: My dream boyfriend changed all of a sudden #206909
    Ik09
    Participant

    Also if he keeps communicating with you in your break, how are you supposed to think about things without anger or bias? don’t keep in constant touch for now.

    in reply to: My dream boyfriend changed all of a sudden #206907
    Ik09
    Participant

    Is there something more to this Happi, than it seems? From all you have said, It seems like he is your comfort zone and you don’t want to leave him because it will be difficult to be on your own. The moment there were questions in your mind regarding him, the trust you had was broken and that Happi cannot be rebuilt unless you get a reason to believe in him.

    if you have diabetes, why are you running to the sweets again?

    sorry for food references but if I was in your place, I would have stayed away from the mess that has been created. It is so taxing, In your very first note, you said he is my best friend my soulmate. And that is why you waited for him.

    If he thought of you in the same manner, he would have rather worked on making your marriage a possibility rather than going out with others. The relationship was over, I agree but both of you had set some rules and he could not follow through.

    It is even hurting you physically, now is the time, you tell us everything that went around. Was he always trying to get you to be physically active with him? I know how it is still an issue in our country and how it can affect someone’s mind if that is the case.

    I feel there is a lot more in your mind that is stopping you, we don’t know you personally and thus you can say it all and not feel ashamed, and definitely not feel judged.

     

    Ik09
    Participant

    People make mistakes John and that is how we change for the better, we become more experienced with life. I am sure it is going to be a difficult journey ahead, being away but slowly with time it will get better. This forum is great, I got the help I needed to move on here.

    And the feeling of guilt, she had her demons too and I am sure she hasn’t taken care of them as well. It is easier to neglect than solve problems. If she had, then if nothing else, she would have talked to you about everything in an elaborate manner. Don’t blame yourself. Remember, It requires two hands to sound a clap. In the same way, unless both of you had issues, the relationship would not have fallen down.

    All the best and if you need any more help, the thread is still open.

    in reply to: I don't know what to do with myself #206895
    Ik09
    Participant

    Anita you have been very very helpful in pointing out all the things that went wrong, I cannot begin to tell you how much at ease that makes me feel. I truly feel like it is best that he is on his own, not because ‘oh! that serves him right’ but because he needs to know freedom in a way he hasn’t before.

    There are numerous things wrong with me and I need to work on them before I commit to anybody as well.

    I felt bad that he is not communicating, now I feel that even if he wants to, he wouldn’t. And for the most parts, he doesn’t want to as well and to be him right now frankly sucks, I hope things work out for him. I wish I could help but no I need to help myself and he needs to help himself.

    I cannot begin to tell you, Anita, how I am feeling inside. A few days ago there was massive confusion and storm of pain, hurt ego, anger and what not, I feel calmer now. I feel like I am ready to focus on me more confidently.

    I am going to disappear from his life as in entirely no texts, not even asking any questions, nothing. He reaches out, I will talk like a friend and constantly remind myself that I am still in the repairment mode.

    Thank You, You are doing an excellent job here. It is self less and pure. I respect you a lot.

     

    in reply to: I don't know what to do with myself #206871
    Ik09
    Participant

    Actually to be really honest, my parents have never restricted me from talking to people or going out…unless the call was really long or if I came home late…

    The behaviour of his mother was something different to me and I never quite accepted it, the very first time he complained, I told him to talk to her and talk about boundaries and he said that I don’t know his mum and he cannot talk to her about anything without shouting. After that I never discussed or suggested anything in this regard and unlike in other matters he did not even ask for my opinion.

    I remember he did not tell me this but when he made me meet his cousin brother once, he told me are you really sure about him, his anger issues are really bad, do you know he ran away from his home one night after a bad argument with his mum when he was 16. We searched and searched and found him at a park really far away from home… It was difficult to convince him to come back. Make sure you know him well before dating him to which I had replied that

     

    He might have been that way, it was his past. I don’t want to judge him on that but I have never seen him getting angry with me in a way that I cannot handle so I think I know who I am dating and I am sure about him.

     

    His cousin’s words seemed harsh to me and I did not think about that incident until now that I am inspecting his current behaviour, the pressure of family and his past.

    His college friends also had Something similar to say that he has anger management issues but to be frank he never remained angry with me more than 15-20 mins.

     

    He had told me when in senior high, he took meditation classes on his mother’s insistence and that had calmed him down a lot since childhood. And he told me this before I met the cousin or his college friends. He never really connected to people, made friends but soon used to find faults with them. He is not a bad man but he has trouble communicating his feelings to people and so when they take advantage to him, he will wait and wait and wait till it is too much and then just burst with angry words and stop talking to them.

    in reply to: I don't know what to do with myself #206859
    Ik09
    Participant

    It was our thing that unless we ask for a suggestion, when we used to vent to one other, we should just listen and give any Input only when asked for it.

    Whenever he used to talk about her, immediately after talking about it, he used to ask me to humour him or tell him something happy or interesting to change his mood and I used to do that.

    He said he liked my parents because they were my parents… apart from that he neither wanted to talk about parents or relatives… Even if I used to say happily that you know you will love this uncle Of mine, he is crazy funny…he used to say I do not wish to meet them unless they come to visit us…even then I will greet them kindly and then go my way… entertaining them is not my thing.

     

    I understand this was because the way his relatives reacted when his father passed away. So I did not push it further and used to change the topic to something light and amusing.

    I did however once complain to him about his mother when he was criticising mine for some issue. Yes, I was trying to hurt him back and he understood that immediately and after small fight… We apologized.

    There was a thing which bugged me during the relationship a lot, he never apologized first except for once and never accepted his mistakes. That was perhaps why apart from telling me that he is not sure about his future, he did not take any responsibility in the break up.

     

    Yeah one more thing which I remember… I don’t know why I could not remember this earlier…  When he broke up …he said I don’t think I am capable of taking care of both you and my mother and if I have to choose between you and her, I will choose her and I said I understand she is your mum…I did not speak much that day because I did not want to cry infront of him, it would have made it worse.

    Although I remember whenever she used to call him while we were on call, I used to say take her call because I knew it would be brief and then call me back… I often suggested that you should spend some time with yourself, talking to me and your mum must make you even more drained out than you already are and he used to say I don’t want to take her call, everyday same thing…. You, however make me more energetic. I used to take it as doing something right and thus would continue talking.

     

     

    Maybe due to my nagging related to his dreams…he just gave up on them entirely…made him feel like his mum…. I don’t know… This was his problem, he never used to speak what bothered him till we were in a fight.

    Ik09
    Participant

    Hello John, Please read the entire thing before replying or sending that letter/card.

    You mentioned she is seeing someone else. How long exactly has it been after the break up that both of you are in new relationships?

    I  really do understand the kind of love you are talking about but I want you to understand something. Take a rope and cut it into two halves, now try putting them back together. Can you? You may tie a knot at max or if by some magical force you do manage to make it back into one rope again, there will always be a scar at the point it was broken.

    I believe that the reason both of you broke up is not that you interfered in her life, in a relationship that is inevitable. But that you stopped giving her the kind of respect that you gave her in the start. You wanted her to put you first, all guys do that to their women and it is not nice. You are basically asking a person to strip down their pride, their self-esteem and give it all to you. Would you do that for someone? Take the example of your current GF, would you do that for her. Forget about your children and your own self, and give it all to your Gf.

    You also said that your ex and you barely went through the day without talking, for ten months. Pretty much seems to me to be the honeymoon period of romance as they say. And that constant contact made you needy and it is natural that it would happen to anyone in the same circumstances but both of you should have set some rules around it. when one falls too hard too soon for someone, Yes it can be love but more than Often it is because you needed that kind of constant support in your life. Perhaps you are going through something difficult in some other sphere of your life… Your job does not give you satisfaction, Maybe you feel you are not able to give your children a lot of time that they deserve, maybe you do not get enough time to pursue your hobbies or activities that made you happy other than love and romance.

    As far as your current GF is concerned, the mere fact that you called her NEW means she is just a replacement in your mind, you don’t have serious feelings for her no matter how good she is and your mind keeps on telling you that she will never be able to give you the kind of happiness your ex, did. I think you are still trying to find a solution to your troubles through people. Trust me, I know better than anybody else.

    I think it is unfair that you are talking to your ex while being in a relationship with another girl. This is cheating. And if you are cheating that means your emotions for your current girl are either not true or you don’t want to accept that this relationship is mature and a little less maddening than your last.

    Yes, love makes us crazy but being rational or irrational is in our hands and if we have acted irrationally it is best to walk away and work on our demons. I know you don’t want to listen to this but Trust me this is the right thing. You have to let your ex go, no matter how tempting it is to talk to her. The little communication you have is making you more and more clingy again, look at you getting a customized card printed. Would a man do that unless he really really want someone back to the point of necessity? Anita’s points make sense here, she was your drug. You need to sober up. Your current GF sounds mature, tell her about your insecurities and problems.

    The greatest thing about love that is meant to be is, It will come around. More strongly and in a manner that lasts. If not, the madness and the passion might take us to the point of insanity.

    Think of your actions, from her perspective. She: I was in a beautiful relationship with a man but instead of taking care of his affairs, he meddled into mine (Children are the greatest thing to a mother, that is solely her affair unless she accepts a man worthy enough to be their father). I was in love with him, I missed him but I did not miss the way he regarded me as a weak woman who needs help at every step. I am not that woman. A few months later, he tells me how sorry he was for his actions and I forgive him because of his regrets. But I am still not sure of his actions, after all, he did change unexpectedly when we were together. Who knows if he does the same again. But still, let me be in touch with him and see how he is now.

    Sending that card now will make her sure you have not changed. I know men have the attitude to fix things, but not everything should be fixed by us, some things should be left to time. Wounds heal and If there really was love involved, Things will come back together to give you happiness.

    in reply to: I don't know what to do with myself #206719
    Ik09
    Participant

    Yes I said I like her mother but it was because of the way she raised him…. This guy had the qualities I did not find in any other man earlier…. He was polite and respectful and understanding and encouraging to me…apart from that the way he behaved with other people made me love him even more… He was patient with people, took time to understand matters and tried solving things.

     

    I did not like the way his mum invaded his privacy but it’s his mother, I cannot complain about his mother to him. Yes I did encourage h maybe I am wrong but I hug my mum and papa at every opportunity I can find… I feel like I want to do it often so that I remember about it after they are gone. I just encouraged him so that he doesn’t regret not doing it when she was around. She has been a breast cancer patient and goes through regular checkups. Although she is healthy right now but even small complications are scary. He only has his mum now… None of his other family members are close to him.

     

    Good night and tell me about it when you find time… I am sorry for taking so much of your time but your perspective is really helpful.

    in reply to: I don't know what to do with myself #206691
    Ik09
    Participant

    His first complaint regarding her was always that she does not give him enough space and freedom. Every time we used to talk he had to go out of his home because his mother tried to listen to our conversation. He was 22 by the time he finished his college and since his college was in the same city, he did not opt for the hostel. And very often he would complain that I am a 22-year-old who cannot shut the door of his own room because his mother does not want him to.

    I used to go home only in the holidays as my university and my home-town were in different states. So he used to say that I am lucky that I don’t have to explain the reason I want to go out with my friends, to eat, to go explore someplace.

    Apart from that, he used to complain how she counted each penny whenever she used to give him money to buy anything. He said I am her own child, why can’t she trust me that I will not spend the money if I have not asked for it. He really hated reporting back to her after he used any money. I remember during his college days, Most mornings he would call me and ask me to change his mood because he was angry that she did not give him enough money for fuel and lunch so he would have to share with friends.

    My mum is the same way, I guess most mums are, there are still living in the era when they were young when it comes to prices of things. But thankfully my father took over whenever I needed money during college.

    He deleted our conversations on Whatsapp every day because his mum used to check his phone when he was asleep. And that is how she got to know that he was dating me, He slept midway our conversation once and of course, could not delete the texts, She read them all and asked him about me the next day.

    Every time I have heard him speak to her on call, I have always heard him either shouting or saying that I am good, I ate, I am healthy, I will call later. Unless she needed his help with her net banking or something, he was not patient with her on calls. I used to always tell him that do you hug your mum or do you make her feel loved and he used to say she is my mum, we don’t do hugs and gestures.

    Being comfortable with receiving money, no he never was. He used to tell me in college that I will make it a point that once I have enough I either take your parents around the world or buy them a car or something. He felt guilty and sometimes booked me movie tickets even when I did not want them, for my siblings too along with me. He bought me earrings and a dress but that was out of his savings before he started earning. after starting his job, he used to say I will return and he did use to pay for food and other expenses when I used to visit him but he was never in a rush, especially because in the start I used to say that its okay, you don’t need to return it immediately, return it when you have money. With time I stopped saying this line, and He used to say that he feels like the girl in the relationship because I take care of him lot more.

     

    The day he broke up, he also talked about something he never spoke about all the time we were together, he told me his mum used to earn more than his father and they used to fight a lot and his family used to dislike her because of that. That is why he said that only if he earned well, he would come back for me, otherwise no.

     

     

    in reply to: One sided love in long distance #206645
    Ik09
    Participant

    Ram, I gave 2017 attempt, got through pre but not mains

    preparing for 2019 attempt now.

    I don’t want to share numbers or my region, this is a public platform and can be seen by anybody and everybody who comes over to cure their mind of the thoughts.

    in reply to: I don't know what to do with myself #206643
    Ik09
    Participant

    He asked her for money when he moved to the city so that until his first salary, he has some money to eat. I had already arranged his stay with my friend so he did not pay for first two months.

    He always said that I was more endowed because I could do whatever I want(Career) when he has to think about the costs and his mother. He was specially tensed since she would be retiring this November.

    As far as I know, He did not ask her for any more money again, He went home once so she gave him around 15k to take a flat but he spent it on food and lived in a hostel which costed him more but was more comfortable to him after a tiring day at work

Viewing 15 posts - 136 through 150 (of 159 total)