Thankyou So much Teak

Means a lot

Yes first of all answering to inability to let go of the situation with X

Well,

I wish I wake up tomorrow, knowing he has peacefully let me go,

Allowed me to believe what I want to, agreeing that yes we both have different views , but maybe things actually went wrong from both sides and we ll try to stay atleast just friends, and if that doesnt work out even then we wont have any hard feelings towards eachother and completely understand that we actually both did mess up

Why should I be the one taking responsibility of the entire thing as if I was some stupid to fall for it all,

And he hasnt let go of this, he is still cribbing about it and blaming me for it

Its hard , but I know if he was actually a caring person, he would have understood and let me go and not be telling one sided story to common friends just to show, it was all me, instead he would have just respected my decision and allowed me to actually heal

And comeback if I want to

I wish I could tell him that

I am someone pretty confident about myself, but I was so into not wanting to lose him, that I eventually began to feel obligated somewhere or the other, because I knew we were very different people , and I really thought that maybe I had begun to become too much for him now, which was so wrong to feel for oneself.

by different people I mean,

– background wise we r quite different

he is not very expressive and is more of workaholic because , in his family , they donot interact  very much , but I on the other hand belong in a family where we r too closely knit, and I can say that I am actually bonded to my family.So , he kind of doesnt relate to the attachement that I have with my sisters, how ,whenever she is around I kind of priortize hangouts with her, over anything else.

Once I asked him , who is he closest too at his home.(although he might havent thought so much before answering)

he said , “I am closest to the charging point of my house, what can you even expect lol”

anyways

also , I believe I have had a lot of trouble in the past figuring things out for myself , academically( I used to be a really good student and still am,but not as efficient as I used to be ,because I have stopped believing in myself somewhere, when it comes to toughtimes) , but during my entrance preparation , I have been through some tough times due to lack of resources( not financially but demographically or so)

( which I know he cannot relate to any extent) ,

so , that had affected me real bad, like I cannot mention how bad I am still in trauma due to that phase, half of my life problems exist because I am unable to let go of that fear, and take leaps of faith .

on the otherhand, he is an overachiever to say, he is very confident in himself when it comes to acads and getting things done, and he is very efficient.He doesnt have a lot of interests apart from studies, for eg, I am quite proficient in music ,dance as well as dramatics, so I have some part of my day alloted to that, and I am not as efficient as he is (which I think is normal)

so , he kind of didnt use to like it , when I used to keep some of my work hanging ,and he as a good friend , used to keep reminding me of getting it done(but I used to find it difficult to tell him , how anxious I am getting regarding the work, and am stuck somewhere , so avoiding it ,because I knew he would neither relate to it , nor have the empathy to understand, that I dont work in the same way, I take time in letting myself believe I can get it sorted or so).I used to find it difficult to even ask him to help me with it , because I felt, as though he might think I am dumb(which is I know, my problem, but i didnt know how to work around it)

So, its not that I donot put effort on myself thinking about this comparatively better quality of him, but I would feel better obviously if he understood how I work, and had some empathy.

ALSO,

after reading all this please dont suggest me therapy , because , I know my family would nt understand so its not possible

and I think if one really gives oneself time, they eventually do heal on there own

Dear Teak

I dont know exactly what I want to tell him,(he has very well succeeded in gashlighting me tbh)

I keep replaying all the previous events in my head, trying to figure out if it was really me the reason for all this to happen, was he just being a good friend, because he cannot relate to a thing where I felt he was overdoing as a friend

I know you would say  that, the best thing for me is to leave these thoughts and runaway from him as far as possible.

But, maybe I just want him to know

That I genuinely cared abt him and still do, being just friends has nd is never been the real problem for me, but the fact that whther I should trust him with myself.

And I didnt make it clear in the call but I want to now, that forward on , he should not think that its me because of whom this interaction has been on hold. And talk to me for a resolve only when he is ready to stop being clueless and support me through this by taking responsibility for his miscommunication otherwise yes, he can very well expect that I am never coming back  , however much may he mean to me, I am not coming back and there is no way he can expect a resolve

But we can surely stay friendly for the club work, i dont want him to have any hard feelings there

Ugh i dont know what I want to tell him

But its so hard to stop thinking abt this now,

I keep replaying all thr scenes trying to know where did it all go wrong

thanks for the information Teak

I did feel eventually that he is a narcissist, but didnt know there are types to it.

Read about covert narcissist after reading your post, and it does feel like he is one of em.

Because, until I was close to him, he used to be very nice , and overly grateful, and then suddenly he started pulling away.

Before this I used to feel he is not at all judgemental, but eventually after spending a significant amount of time with him during these recent months , I realised he is such a perfectionist he keeps judging people on the basis of the same metric of his efficiency, and that made me so uncomfortable, how he didnt understand I am not like him and donot hold similar aspirations and have a lot of other interests apart from academics.(although he never directly judged me like he did for others, but I didnt feel very supported either, during the last two months)

To anyone who is even a close friend to him, wouldnt realise this side of him, most of the ppl who have interacted with him, think of him as a humble reserved guy.

I am in general a bit anxious and a bit insecure abt myself ingeneral due to some events from my past,i am still learning to get over, although it doesnt show up easily on my face, but people close to me know that abt me. So a narcissist is the last person I need to be around

Nonetheless, it doesnt matter anymore, analysing this, because it is over now i guess

thanks a lot Anita for all your guidance and support.

You were like an elder sister to me during this entire time, advising me according to whats right for me

However difficult ,I ll surely stay in no contact with him,just like I have been since the past one month.

I believe , even I have learnt a lot of things throughout this ,about myself as well as on which basis and to what extent should we trust people with oneself.

Thanks Again Anita , for selflessly taking out your time and guiding me through this

I would like to say the same thing to Teak, both of you have been such a great support , exactly telling me what I needed to here always.

Dear Teak

thanks for your wishes

coming to your reply

– But first, let me say, I notice you didn’t want to tell him explicitly why you feel upset with him:

yes I didnt want to explicitly mention about those flirting or sexting because I , felt , he would easily shrug off owning up to it, instead he might simply say that “u were enjoying it as well , so you could have asked me to stop ”

so I rather , considered it to be better to point out things from his behavior because ,I know he isnt the kind of person who actually understands thats its not supposed to be a blame game, rather , its supposed to be him supporting me through this , taking responsibility for his part in this, to make sure we can be friends again once I am over this.

–He claims that he had too big expectations from you only once (was it when he got mad that you didn’t come on meet, btw?). And he says he didn’t feel you had too big expectations from him, except in a few occasions when he got annoyed (perhaps one being when you accused him of not letting you know that he’d be sleeping all day?).

yes you got it right Teak , these were the two instances specifically.

You again didn’t mention the real problem – his sexting, calling you bae, etc – but kept it vague. He responded by listing just one event where he sees how he possibly might have upset you, but other than that, nothing:

I wasnt sure my self if mentioning the sexting or calling bae thing is a legit point or not, since he could easily shrug it off saying, if you didnt want the flirting thing to happen you could have asked me to stop

I personally feel these things could only be mentioned to someone who is that mature , to understand how feelings for a person develope with small things over time, but he is someone who is all about himself , iguess, so mentioning these things, he ll try to make me feel guilty probably for not taking it lightly or so.

I really don’t know if you should spell out the concrete examples of his misbehavior, and explain that it’s not how one should treat their best friend unless they’re interested in them romantically

I personally think I shouldnt, it would lead no where in the matters of understanding, with a guy like that,because it was my fault that I trusted him so much, from the next time I should maybe be more careful with being that close to someone

the best is to cut contact with him, and not allow him to mislead you again

I would like to collectively answer to you and Anita on this , in my next post, since you both have dropped the same conclusion out of it

Sorry, there has been a break because i by mistake clicked on submit

So I will continuefor the last one

so, I asked him

“Tell me just one last thing X, during these entire two month period, how much do you feel was ur fault for me ending up feeling this was ? ”

he legit said, just one event and apart from that whatever I did to you I did it because you were my good friend and I guess its just you who thought abt everything to this extent.

I tbh felt so much gaslighted at that moment.

So I told him that “cool then, I guess I was the only one stupid enough to not see this coming, and now that you have let me know, how much of it u feel u r actually responsible for, I now know I am alone in this, and that would mean, I obviously need to still have the distancing thing until I am fine, and then maybe I ll comeback if I feel I can resolve then”

And then I asked him what was his take on that

But by then I feel even he got irritated somewhere maybe,

So he said” That as you have been repeating that, things can never be the same as it used to be, I guess thats how its gng to be, things are gng to be just the way they are rn between us whether or not the issue ever gets resolved and then maybe this is our last call then? ”

I was breaking by then, it was just so sad , realising, how much I want to be around him as a friend, but I don’t know if he deserves this friendship or should I actually let this go, and just get back to being friends( but this time with boundaries)

I just knew that I really didnt wish to lose him, but that wouldnt be justice to myself maybe, (i dont know)

But i gathered all my strength and just said

“Yes ” And dropped thr call.

So, I dont know what lies ahead, if u guys have any take on this whole thing?

Also

I would like to make another observation,

During this 1.5hours long conversation of ours,

I did ask him once, if he even cared that we were having to pay this cost for all the mess

To which he said that” You were my best friend and now I have lost you because you want to stay distant ”

Now, he had never called me his best friend before (maybe once casually in the flow of conversations but never other then that)

Infact, he has been very particular abt to whom he refers as best friend.

According to him, his ex girlfriend was his best friend ever, and he had never had any other best friend, he surely has a lot of close friend but, no one worth referring as best friend.

And so, he has never called me that.. But suddenly he did today, for the first time.

So I asked him, how suddenly he thought I was his best friend, because when we were in contact he has never told me anything like this.

To which he gave a very vague reply that, “i dont say such things easily, but thats how I feel abt u”

To which Ididnt say anything.

(I dont know if that’s a significant observation, but somewhere I feel that , maybe he just wanted to justify his closeness with me by referring to me as “best friend” suddenly,  so he could justify his actions better, by claiming to just trying to do whats expected out of someone that close) although I knew always that even if he didnt use to say it  but he used to tell me things which he didnt wish to confide in anyone else(but that doesnt matter any more i g )

Nonetheless, let me know what u guys feel about all this.

Nd what do u think is actually right thing for me to do