Hi Anita and Teak

Sorry I didnt reply to your comments yesterday, it was my birthday.

But I hope you guys dont mind if I update u now, please read this according to you convenience.

So first of all answering to

Anita

Yes anita whatever understanding you have gathered up until now is completely correct, I dont find any thing that I dont agree with in your post.

You might say that yeas this is an anxious attachment style, but the thing is, it was my first time I was feeling this close to someone, I had actually fallen for. So his slight change of behavior use to make me anxious if I am not being good enough, or if he is losing interest.

But, I am also someone who has a lot of acceptance to growth, so I eventually did realise this now, and I know I would never allow any such relationship to be over me in my Priority list.

Apart from that, yes, I did get the feeling that he wanted to be my boyfriend other wise I dont know why, someone would go on resolving such expectation issues instead of being straight honest abt it. (And I know he is not someone who lets any one get in his personal space)

Anyways, also answering to your question what I meant by “dirty flirting”

Then I actually want to mean frequent casual sext

Well the truth is I have never done this before and thus, somewhere I used to feel a bit weird abt it.

But I only indulged in that with him, is because I used to kind of really think of him as this genuinely good guy, (who himself hasnt done this before with anyone) so maybe he is so sure abt me, that he wants to go that far with me.

I mean why would u sext any friend whom you donot find sexually interesting

Hey, Teak

, no this incident happened in the beginning of march,

What I meant was i confessed to him, after this very incident, saying

That i feel there is a bit pf clarity needed in where we r heading because otherwise, i am not feeling like opening up to u and I think we have been fighting a lot .

So that was on 14th March around I guess when I confessed and after that I had mostly totally cutoff with him

And what followed , I mentioned it in my first post

Hey Anita and Teak, i just want to let u know, that even if u r unsure of what I should do forward on, then i am fine with that

I will be grateful to whatever take u guys have and then ultimately make a choice of my own

I  am just grateful u guys helped me open up about it and supported me,

Had Been feeling a bit weary lately until now

Thankyou so much

I am sorry if this feels, overflooding with not so relevant info 😅

I would totally understand

Also, I must say, these things had begun since the mid of january before that he had never shown me his this side,

I somewhere also felt, that maybe he was behaving this way because I started first with my expectation.

I had lashed out once or twice before this when I thought he wasnt talking to me the way he generally does., he was acting a bit distant, but I used to cool off easily with his single phone call for resolving

I do feel that was my fault to presume that he feels the same for me and that I had a right to expect all that from him., but also this was my first time I ever behaved this way to a guy friend

So,now I know it and I know I shouldnt even subtly force someone to stay in contact frequently even if I think something is gng on, because its not right nether for me or for that person

Let me know what you guys think

Thanks Teak for your valuable insights

To be honest, Ifeel you as well as Anita actually got me with my updates.

I completely agree with whatever u have mentioned above, thanks again for understanding, it feels really good to let it out.

Ya about whether he is a narcissist or not,

Well I think he is, but I only gotto know that in these two months, never had an image of him like that before.

He has indulged in gaslighting me at times and it used to leave me emotionally hurt.

He started to become more about himself, and criticising me for smallest of things, making me feel uncomfortable.

Whenever I used to bring these things to his notice, he either used to keep defending himself with baseless reasons or trying to be “overly technical” About everything(trying to show how smart he is) or when I used to really make him realise what was wrong, he would go entirely silent but never to own up and say sorry or give a rigid answer, unlike me.

This behavior usedto keep me hanging thinking tht he is trying and maybe he wants this because thats the kind of signals i used to feel from the conversations.

Now i dont exactly think that he was legit unaware of what was happening,

Since as I said he used to have some good opinions on intention of my other guy friends when we werent thisclose.

Now, the thing is

I feel I shouldnt , sort out with him whatever I am feeling right now, because somewhere I feel, he would still not own up to his part of mistake, and instead would either defend himself by not analysing deeply or would indulge in gaslighting. So, I dont know if this confessing would actually help me let go or not?

But a part of me also believes that if he cared even a bit about me, then maybe he will understand and have a bit of remorse atleast.

But I dont know what to do?

Hi Anita

Thanks for being there to listen

1.yes you have made absolutely right judgement on me, I m someone who is very particular about what kind of vibe each and everything in my life is setting in me that includes the things that I do and the people I am involved with

2. I am not sure in which area would you liketo know my values,

But I ll try to be relevant to you with my answer,

So the thing is I have a lot of friends, but a very few close ones,

And incase of a male friend I am even more careful, because I have almost always had a bad experience with getting close to a guy friend that they kind of start having feelings even though they know I dont feel that way. And then it no longer stays the same.

Incase of this friend of mine, lets call him X,

I had this idea of him that he is actually a gentleman, and he is mature enough to know the boundaries of a friend ship with a female friend(which I still think he knows clearly, but behaves like he has no idea, because around 8-9months ago, whenever we used to talk abt any other guy friend of mine, he could very easily make judgements on their intention which often use to turn out to be true)

So I had always trusted him in our friendship of 1.5 years, he was a guy friend I never had trouble opening up to because I always thought that he is someone who would neither lead anyone on and infact, someone who actually understands me, where other people could seem to be a bit naive in judgement (for example when its about standing up to something wrong, he had been my support always)

So I respected him. And i have this clear demarcation of what is expected to be the boundaries of a friendship

I dont go around heavily flirting with my guy friends, ofcourse one or two of them casually flirt once in a blue moon, but not the kind I allowed this to be like,and  we always used to only have one on one conversation , when actually X is a very introvert guy even though he hasa lotof friends he never used to hang out with them so much.

So i don’t know if this help me answer ur second question or not 😅 but please do let me know

3.its a continuation to 2.

X and I have known each other for more than 1.5 years, we were really good friends always. Now, until this time (when we started getting close) , honestly my idea of him used to be, he is some onewho is emotionally not very expressive, who isnt into deep conversations, but is a great friend who is really humble.

So i had never really tried to get very emotionally imvolved with him even a s a friend . There was a time during this phase, when he was suddenly so much into his work that he didnt contact me for a month, and I was hurt then, but I didnt push anything, i had let it pass and waited for him to contact me on his own, but since I never used to bind my friends with any expectations i used to let it pass and be just casual fun friend..

Now during the month of November and December , he used to almost everyday assert it very clearly how much i meant to him. Even if I used to help him slightly, he used to act too much grateful always, and he used to shower me with compliments almost always, used to be there for me during stressful times, and used to actually make sure that I get my work done by sitting with me always there. He used to actually tell me that he was very much over his ex. And whenever I would ask him anything related to her, he actually used to open up to me, but used to ask me not to go there further because he wasnt ok with sharing the personal details. But apart from that his ex would hardly ever come up in our conversation

Now, I was obviously a bit smitten by this caring nature of his and all the sweet things that he used to do for me, although i used to have my guard on, about not getting too much revealing and emotionally attached so easy.

But I began to think that if such a guy who has never been so expressive, is actually making an effort to be that, then maybe he genuinely cares a lot and is into this. So I started opening up to him, trying to make sure if I am actually comfortable around him.

Although i never wished to ask him directly because I knew that he had just been through a break up like 5months ago, asking for commitment would be too much for me as well as for him.

So I decided to wait amd get to know him better, but I wanted to keep having the same level or intensity of communication that we had in the vacations.

But eventually (since he was a workaholic) he started decreasing the frequency of our calls.. Even though we used to talk to eachother everyday on text, our calls as well as what I felt, the quality of conversation werent feeling good, in the two months that followed I eventually again started feeling anxious about sharing things with him.

And i let him know that because I wanted to really makesure that this be something that he wants too.

I ve had complained to him once or twice that I thought je should have called me today or so, and that if he feels that I am overexpecting then he should let me know, I wont be angry.

But he used to always give me the sense during those conversations, that I am not being overbearing and that maybe he should call me daily and tell me everything etc.

So, here for me.. I would never do that for “just a close friend” And i thought the same abt him and infact i know that about him, that X is a person who doesn’t allow ppl to interfere in his personal space. So I naturally thought that he indirectly wants to tell me that he likes me but maybe just not ready enough to confess.

And apart from these conversations there used to be his weird expectations that I talk to him first before anyone else if I told him i will call him back or so and let him know whenever I am gng out (which is kind of what a boyfriend would say)

So, but somewhere these inability to match each other’s expectations and gng round the circle discussing the same issues each and evry week, got into my head, it made me unable to focus on my self and also trying to become someone he would appreciate more.

He used to keep gng hot and cold on me every now and thn. Which was becoming toxic for me, although he seemed very much fine and into his work

I realised it was maybe because of this confusion, whther we r something or not, because this shouldnt be happening in case we r just close friends.

So , I couldnt wait any longer, I had to decide one of the side and thus I confessed.

So that allowed me to gain a clarity and free myself, but I could never believe his reply, I actually genuinely thought he was into this.

And then it struck me, that if all of this never meant  to him as crossing the friendship boundaries, did I even know this person? Was he even ever a friend or was he selfish enough to let our friendship be ruined for his personal means?

Now here is the thing,

This really broke me, he is one of the only two friends of mine with whom I have tried to stay in touch everyday, (the other is my bestfriend )  and now it shatters my self esteem that I could allow someone to have this much of my attention and affect with their toxic behaviour in my life. I feel bad that i thought i could trust him with myself, that even though guys have this tendency of leading girls on, he is not one of em.