Dear TeaK,

I’m still struggling with my health. The only thing that has diminished, is the laryngospasm. Muscle pains are experienced on daily basis, but I personally prefer physical pain to psychological pain. I have slowly started some yoga, and trying to learn some breathing exercises.

To be honest, I really don’t have any friends or any acquaintances I feel comfortable opening up to. Maybe, that’s why I use the forum. I have been religious, but I love hearing sermons by TD Jakes and Myles Munroe. Somehow I feel included and it feels like they talk directly to me.

TeaK,

My therapists said the same, they said the depression stems from my childhood. And, since I never, addressed the situation, things kept piling up. Unfortunately, I’ve learned to think in a negative pattern, and everything looks “grey” in my world. Maybe that’s why I love rainy days because I’m a “melancholic” person. The scariest thing is that my inner child is still stuck in the past. I’m tired of living and dwell on the past. I want AND need to take responsibility for my life, but I don’t know-how. I’m tired of comparing myself with other people, with their life, their family life, and how happy they seem. I’m scared that my inner child will never heal and I will be in the same situation forever. I tell myself every day that everybody has their own battles, and the grass is not always greener on the other side. But, as soon as I close my eyes and doze off for 1-2hours(if I’m lucky) then I’m back to square one. I dread sleeping because the nightmares are always about lost opportunities, and regretful events and incidents.

Dear TeaK,

I’ve struggled with burning lungs, exhaustion, fever, tiredness and fatigue, palpitations, brain fog muscle pain, and chest pain. As I have a history of drug addiction, I can’t take any medication, making the pain worse. At the moment, everything feels like chronic pain.

For the last 5 years, I managed to reconnect with my mother and our relationship has been good and is slowly getting better. I failed her and neglected her for almost a decade. After my mental breakdown due to the abortion, I got a job as a lead engineer on a cruise ship. I traveled around the world, visited more than 100 countries, met loads of new people, learned and experienced tons of new cultures and traditions. For more than 10 years, I was “escaping” and “running” from my negative thoughts and tried to put a lid on my depression. The more I worked, the lesser time for negative thoughts. I felt important, I felt useful and I felt “loved”. At the same time, for the 10 years, I missed birthdays(attended only 2 birthdays), Christmas dinners, New Years’, engagements and weddings, childbirths, and family gatherings. During my off-times, usually 2-3 weeks a year, I used to stay at home, all by myself, and maybe visit my mother and siblings once or twice. It’s pathetic and embarrassing to admit, but I just met my mother a dozen times in a span of 10 YEARS(!). Valuable time that will never come again.

Due to my egoism and self-interests, I caused my mother so much pain. I was super ungrateful and didn’t care about anyone else. Looking back, I would swop the jet-set life in a heartbeat. I have learned the hard way and hurt the people that love and care about me most. I want to cry, but I’m empty of tears. I want to scream my lungs out to alleviate all of my hurt and pain, but I have no voice left. I want to get healed, but I don’t have any power left.

Thank you Sarah!

Your kind words and guidance gives me hope. I have started journaling, and it eases my mind while doing so.

I’ve been in and out of counseling for 4 years now. I realized that counseling made me unhappy and actually made matters worse. As I was directed to ‘get in touch’ with my most negative feelings and analyze the pasts in order to transcend the present situations. It just made me realize that I was a real mess and it just fueled an already depressed state. To relive my fears and regrets, inflicted more pain. My therapists insisted that unless I dealt “head-on” with the negative experiences and unconscious drives, I would be miserable forever. In addition, most of the time, my therapists would “inappropriately” prescribe me psychiatric drugs like Imipramine and Prozac. I have struggled with heavy drug addiction in my teens. MDMA and cocaine were used on a daily basis. And yes, the therapists all knew, still, they felt it was safe for me to use prescription drugs.

I can try to calm and soothe my mind when I’m awake. By journaling, even for a short time, I can get some relief. But the nightmares and the anxiety attacks, the feeling of getting choked, the shivering, the sleep paralyzes, the feeling of dying every morning, have increased my Somniphobia.

Maybe what they’re saying is true – “Sometimes, you have to get knocked down lower than you have ever been to stand back up taller than you ever were!”