I think  he  is fortunate to have you in his life.

Thank you I appreciate that a lot.

Its good to know I am not completely illogical. 🙂

Yes John was cheap. I may not have clarified enough though that he wasn’t cheap for me. His everyday natural habits were cheap though, what he chose to do for himself and such. But he always made sure I had whatever I wanted.

I don’t know about connected that way specifically, but that is something that is instilled in me through my family though. That is how the men in my life have always been. If you were a man present in my life uncle, grandfather, step dad. You took care of the woman in your life; me, my mom, my grandmother, my aunt without question.

& Yes he is the cause of the clutter. I don’t think he realized how stuff like that can just affect your overall mood. If your surroundings are dysfunctional…then what are you? lol

Yea the regular healthy communication is a necessity.

But I love everything about him really (other than things that ricochet from his temper)

I love his smile, his laugh, his sense of humor, I love that he can listen to me ramble about nothing, I love his sense of style, I love the way he drives, I love his goals, I love that what we want in the future; where we want to live how much money we want to live “comfortably” align, I love how considerate he is, I love his personal habits (how he showers, folds his clothes, color codes his shirts lo) , I love how confident he is, I love how he looks, I love how smart he is, I love how interested he is in the things he envisions for his future (investments, business, finances) I love his hair, I love how in shape he is, I love how he makes up for how lazy I am, I love his ‘natural’ eating habits, I love that we relax the same, I love that we have the same guilty pleasures, I love that my bad habits don’t bother him, I love that he wants to take care of me (even if financially speaking that will be in the future), I love that he is original, not a stereotype, I love watching him listen to people teach him things (I know that’s random, lol his listening face is just so cute), I love how he cleans and doesn’t just think that’s my job, I love how strong he is, I love that he gets along with my family on a surface level, I love that even though I may not have my hair done, makeup done, maybe a extra few pounds on me; I love how I know he loves me however……even if I don’t.

I just went on a roll typing so that’s all I got off the top of my head lol

Yea me too. I know it will take time and patience. Its not just going to be a complete 180 in a day. But I need to see the EFFORT; if I see the effort it will be more tolerable as it comes and goes because as you said it is a habit that needs to be broke but that’s hard.

If not then I guess it will be me breaking the habit…which is him; and staying with him even though the energy I’m around is draining me.

OH! I’ll definitely be back to give you an update! And to probably get some more advice cuz my life still is a mess soooo haha. 🙂

Yea I am definitely not a flake. The Hunt thing will forever be what it was but I clearly love this man. My moms fiancé even said that during the birthday incident. I was like “Yea he says I don’t do anything for him, etc. etc.” He was like “WOW he has some nerve. I KNOW that’s false. Like Im not even involved in your life like that but just what I hear thru your mother over phone conversations; I know that to be false.”

I understand. I am going to iron out the conversation that was being had last night and end my day with a damn resolution.

I just always feel like I am “presenting” I am begging for the clarity and solution. and he is my audience.

I need him to do something because I am just at a loss at this point.

Right like I can tolerate you while in your attempts to change…but just not changing at all is not going to work.

I am just so confused. What is his love worth to me?

• This reply was modified 7 years ago by Jenny Lynn.

I put quotation marks because I feel like it is not my place to decide someone’s feelings.

Yet I understand that some perspectives, people could say that he doesn’t love me based on the things he does. Or John or Hunt it can be perceived by some that they don’t/didn’t love because of the way you behaved during our interactions together.

I never like to scale someone’s feelings. I always say “feel your feelings because they are yours not someone else’s.” If something made you mad or sad or insulted you. The alternate person may have a perspective about that BUT still it is your choice to feel your feelings. Its just about what you do with them after the acknowledgment of them.

Like I never am the person to say “Why are you mad about something small?” or “That’s not a big deal why is that upsetting you” because that’s not for me to decide.

Like me for example if I say I love him. He may say no you don’t. To me its like YOU don’t get to make that choice.

Love is subjective. I decide my feelings, I know me, so the quotation marks are the fact that I know he says he loves me and I know he loves me but those actions can be interpreted differently to someone else.

Like “he doesn’t love you because if he did  he wouldn’t do ____.” I don’t support that.

People do bad things to the people they love. Doesn’t un-constitute their love for you. You just have to decide if that is the love you want to accept.

My mom is a great example, for me to say she doesn’t love me is foolish….but she did and let bad things happen to me that shaped my entire life. She loved me the best way she knew how and could at that time.

Yes, yes as a matter of fact it would. I don’t know why I can look consciously at the facts and even the things I haven’t told you ya know. Understand that its just not something I can do for the rest of my life. Yet hope he will change.

I guess Oprah style. “When people show you who they are…believe them” up until probably January/beginning Feb so 4-6 weeks after we had been dating. We been arguing and bickering about the same shit.

Honestly I let him slip me into a level of his manipulation because to go back to the original share remember I told you that we had met a year before we started dating right. He said he asked me to go out and I was flaky about it or whatever. So after that when we started dating, for a really really long time he would never contact me to do stuff. He was always ready when I would text or call but he said because I was flaky at first he wasn’t going to reach out for me until he saw that I wasn’t about games or whatever. This guy at my old job said it was because he knew about the other guy and that he just didn’t want to be vulnerable to you until he felt like you wouldn’t go back to him. So I went with that but I guess it stewed since then. Because in my recollection I don’t remember it ever stopping, we just started being in a committed relationship so it wasn’t so much that he had to reach out because he was always around.

I know I seem like a complex human but I really don’t argue with people. Like its just out of my nature because my childhood experiences of verbally being attacked or shunned. I just don’t be around people who don’t like me or don’t appreciate my company. Keeping it simple.

Like John…me and john literallllly had 4 arguments our entire year of dating (vegetarian animals from the bible lol, that first girl who showed up at his house, one time I accidentally yelled at him for something silly, and then another time he yelled at me). Me and Glen argued 4 times already this week smh.

So yea John may have been all the things he was but he was still an easy going guy you know. Seeing him mad was easily said to be “out of the ordinary”. He held me to such I high regard and he knew that I was down for him so we just never sweat the small stuff you know. That’s what I miss about him.

GOSH they never seem that long while I type them then I press send lol and theyre like a page haha

Last night he said that I was manipulative. That I am always ready to say “What ever it takes.” My response to him was just because I say what it takes to get my point across doesn’t mean I’m lying to get there. I have a way with words persay.

Its like a gift I could give it to you or I could wrap it up nicely and give it to you. Its still a gift though. I DO NOT lie to get people to see my perspective or shift their point of view. Further more EVERYONE is slightly manipulative, including him.

I said, except the difference between us is you are manipulative for REACTION. Girl, you know what he said. “No I’m calculated” I was like do you understand how awful and malicious that sounds. “He was like I do it because…” basically exactly what you said above EXCEPT the words where its skewed into a negative connotation. You take things like you said you THINK I have done and give me a reaction equal to or greater than what you think I have purposely done to you.

A metaphor for this is: (Stay with me for a second) Men who were gay 10-20-30 years ago. They say “you know people all my life have told me that I CHOOSE this….WHO WOULD CHOOSE this” To be yelled at, abused, shunned, judged. Who would purposely inflict that on themselves.

The same with things he THINKs I do. Like the phone and returning message. Considering all the attitude, arguments, smart ass remarks, trying to act like I’m lying or deceiving you; that comes with me not responding to your phone communications in his version of “prompt” WHY WOULD I DO THAT SHIT ON PURPOSE. It does  NOTHING to benefit me. Like why would I put that on us…or furthermore myself. I wouldn’t therefore anytime you text me when I respond I swear is the next applicable time I was able to respond.

When he didn’t respond for 36 minutes the other day. I don’t get mad I think 1. Hes at work 2. Hes not looking at his phone 3. Hes busy….or a dozen other logical reasons he couldn’t. THEN he tells me he had BEEN off work. That’s when my mind shifts to okkkk so you did have available attention to see my text because you were off and your phone is hooked to your car and who leaves work and doesn’t at least look at their phone for a second…many reasons why I now have to deduce you purposely ignored my message.

HIM. Its straight to the negative. There’s never a benefit of the doubt and if it is its in vain. Like that “oh I GUESS your busy” bs when its been “8 minutes” and I haven’t responded smh.

This my phone is always in my hand crap is ridiculous honestly Anita. This is stupid but it should make you chuckle because that is the level of crazy were about to touch here.

Girl when I met him  after a few dates in convo I showed him this funny meme, right. It said “If you ever think I’m ignoring you I am, cuz my phone be straight in my hand always” I say this is so me. Because I DO always respond to people who are talking to me no matter what and pretty promptly. And being a little generous without putting him in the factor I touch my phone at least every 15 minutes because at work it has to be on silent FULLY so no vibrate either so if I want to see if someone text me I have to open my phone. So now I have scorned myself because when I tell him oh my phone wasn’t in my hand or in the other room…for literally a few minutes. He’ll say..”well I go by what you say” I’m like what? then he will say your the one who said your always with your phone. Im like yoooooooo are you serious. I sleep, shower, cook, wash dishes, work, clean, walk away from my desk, forget to take my phone off silent, be using the bathroom, bad reception the msgs aren’t coming thru, or having a conversation with another human who isn’t you..AND YOU ARE SERIOUSLY ACTING LIKE MY PHONE CAN REALISTICALLY BE IN MY HAND AT ALL TIMES!!!??? This has to be a joke. NOPE he be dead ass serious. 5 minutes=irritated 10=explanation as to what you were doing+irritated 15=your calling or sending some text about me not responding and your MAD almost irreparably mad. I have never not responded to him over about a 20 minute mark. So idk what goes on then smh

We had a deep conversation yesterday about us being kids and stuff. That turned negative because I started talking about therapy and he basically was saying that he doesn’t believe in that. And that nothing they do for you is something you couldn’t do yourself because we have all the memories blah blah blah. Im like no but they were trained to see traits and align them with experience that you may not see and show you a different perception to change your mindset. Like are you really acting like mental health isn’t a thing. Like you think if you talked to someone about your anger issues your yield nothing. He was like no that a switch I can just turn that off just like being lazy or gaining weight I can just decideeee that I’m going to stop. I’m like you really feel that way. That you could just wake up tmrw and be nice, not triggered by the silly shit you always complain about. REALLY?? So we dissolved that convo and I was like we shouldn’t even be talking about this anyways we were supposed to be talking about if we are going to stay together. By this point he is mad. I’m like I hate to ask this while ur mad but do you want to be with me aside from all the other bs emotions. He was like NO im leaving and that mean Im not staying with you OK! OK! so stop asking me. I was like is that really how you feel? (I said this once or twice because he wasn’t responding).

15 minutes later he is laying with me kissing me on my cheek. Then he fell asleep. Woke up kissed me when he left. I got to go to work late today (I usually text him by at leats 9am to say that I go to work ok) But he forgot I guess so he text me like “sooooo what do this mean?”

I said “Im still at home”–He said “Whats wrong?”–Me: *insert above explanation about job*–Him “Aw yea”

Me: Yea.–“sooo what does THAT mean” You did yell at me and tell me your leaving and your not going to be with me.???

Him: Yea I know 🙁

I haven’t said anything to that cuz Im talking to you. But yea.

• This reply was modified 7 years ago by Jenny Lynn.