Sure Anita.

I just happened to think of something, I think I’ve mourned this relationship enough now. so I’ll just put it out here so that I can revisit whenever I need to.

It’s been a year to my break-up. When he left, again, I promised myself that I will never let him back in but I remember literally saying it aloud to the universe, literally wailing, that you will have to bring him back, you will have to make him contact me, Give him the happiest life but for one second, you will have to make him at least see the hurt he gave me and make him call me. And he did. Not once, not twice, but umpteen times, from multiple numbers, on multiple platforms, every week, for 9 whole months after I repetitively told him not to. The Universe gave me what I’d asked for even though I now see how impulsive and silly that thought was. How Vain was it! For even after all his calls, I was still as hurt as I had been when he left, it served no purpose, yes my ego was less bruised, my validation-seeking self was temporarily placated but the hurt at the bottom of it all stayed. Because my relation, as I’d known it for 5 years, was still over.
What hurts the most is having to accept that there won’t be another minute in my life that I will spend with this particular person, that all the dreams that I had of a life with specifically him, will never come true, all the things that he and I used to talk of doing, won’t ever happen. There won’t be another minute in parallel universe when He and I will be together. He will live all his major life events, marriage, child-birth, vacations with some other girl, he will share his happiness and sorrow with some other girl. I will also live all the dreams he and I used to see, but with someone else. I know ‘that’ someone else will be better than L, my gut knows it, I know that I’m a good person at heart with immense capacity to love, that the universe has my back and so the person that I’ll end up with will be 10 times better than what L was to me but it will not be him. He won’t have his hands, his face, his laughter, his voice, his way of talking, his mannerisms and that is the most difficult part. Acceptance of the end of my journey with him, once and for all. Acceptance that he is not the one chosen to be with me till the end of my life. And that the little ‘our world’ that I always thought we had created is or will soon be lost in oblivion and become nothing.
I do think all kinds of thoughts, imagine whether he will miss me in the long-term, if years from now he will tell his friends over a couple of drinks that he often thinks of me. A part of my mind is grossed out by these thoughts, why would I want a man that I loved spend any moment in pain of missing someone who’s no longer in his life, why would I wish for his future-wife that her husband love her but still miss his ex-gf. What kind of twisted thinking is that! Moreover what will that accomplish? What did his calling for 9 months accomplish? I was praying for it to happen, it happened and then? Whether he misses/thinks/regrets/hates/loves/forgets me or not, the reality is that none of it really matters. The only thing real between us, the relationship is over and all this wishful thinking is simply crying over spilt milk which will lead to nothing. Even if he literally pines over me for all his life in his head, the reality will remain that our relationship is over, he will have a wife, I will have a husband and we will have two different paths in life.
I now have a choice. That relationship is over. The right part of my mind knows that it wasn’t a healthy relation and I am better off without it but even if I let myself have rose-tinted glasses, it is still over. And now I have a choice to make. I can either continue living the way I’m living now, half-heartedly. Working, laughing, loving, thinking, doing everything but half-heartedly, letting my heart nurture and validate the loss and keeping some semblance of him alive within me by continuing to think of him. Where will it lead me in some time? I will have a half-lived life, a life that is not lived up to its highest potential and it’ll show, in my relations, my work, my physical and mental being. I can let this loss slow the speed of my life and dim its luster. To top it all, if the validation-seeking self that I’ll continue to be ever looks at him again for validation, I’ll only see him smirking, thanking himself for leaving the kind of life I’d end up creating for myself. Or, I can decide to rise above it. Not just accept it, but embrace it, not let it make me cynical about life but hopeful about new beginnings, and live a life happier than I’ve ever lived. It is difficult but doable. I can choose to wish him well in my heart and leave him to lead the life that he desires and deserves. I can choose nurturing my present and future, instead of nurturing my past, validating myself instead of validating the relationship. I can develop love, kindness, positivity to such levels that the relations that I have and will have will be more beautiful than I could ever imagine; put so much love and dedication in my work, in my physical and metal well-being that my life shines brighter than it does today. Yes, my dreams of first-love, of everything with L, will not come true but so what, I have the choice to create new dreams of my own and also those with another partner, more suited to me, instead of crying over the loss of the old ones and then go on to fulfill them. Yes, my relationship with L will remain a chapter of my life and once in a blue-moon I might think of him just like I still sometimes think of my old school days, with fondness, but I have the choice to make my life so wholesome by then that my present will look 10 times brighter than what my past did. Yes, I will lose the remnants of the world that I’d created with L, that I’m holding onto, once and for all, but if I don’t let it go, I run the bigger risk of losing the opportunity to have a wholesome, truly happy and fulfilling life. In letting everything related to L go, I will gain a brand-new chance at life, and with the lessons learnt in the past, I can make it so much better than my past.
And I will make the second choice now. It will be difficult but now that I know this is lost, I’m going to leave it in the past and work towards my best life with all that I do have, and come to think of it, I have a lot.

I think I’ll read this every time I need to. I just want to start over now and stop thinking about what I’ve lost and start honing and cherishing what I do have.

So Anita, I took a break and read the thread again to let it sink in. I also went through a few other threads on the site that were on similar lines.
Yesterday when dad called, I spoke to him about what I felt, I hadn’t planned on doing it but it just flowed out of me. I told him that I had felt unsupported by him as a teenager when I needed him to comfort/shield me when mom scolded/criticized me and that while I’ve moved on from all that now, it still disturbs me at a sub-conscious level. Surprisingly, he understood it. He accepted it, understood it and told me how he’s himself felt bad about it for a long while (I was surprised that dad remembered so many incidents and he categorically told me that here and here I should have stood up for you but I didn’t just to keep peace but I know it came at a cost). I don’t know if it was the right thing to do or not but I felt so nice. I didn’t want to live with a knot in my heart against my dad and once I told him all about it and more importantly, as he understood it, it felt nice and sorted.

Now onto my romantic relationship which is my main focus in this thread-

1. You were right, I do obsess about him. But after a lot of introspection (I literally made flowcharts at a point of time yesterday), I realized that all my obsessive thoughts are like streams coming out of this one umbrella thought that I have, and that is at the root of all of it. It goes like this: I loved him a lot- He left me- I was hurt- I wonder if he will ever regret letting me go/ see me as the one that got away. Everything feeds into this major obsession that I have with whether or not he will regret losing me. That is why I keep thinking if I was bad because I question am I worth regretting, and keep thinking if he’ll be better with someone else because that’ll show he doesn’t regret losing me. So that is my major issue. That is the thought that I have to let go. I can’t think of any way to do that besides just telling myself that it doesn’t matter whether he does or doesn’t. The relation is over and that’s that. If there is any other advice that you have in this matter as to how do I end this obsession with constantly wondering if he’ll regret anything, do let me know.

2. Mom had told me this a few years back after one of my breakups with him when I was just waiting for him to be back aka obsessing to a level higher than even today. It had helped me but then I fell back into the relation and back into my previous doubting/obsessive tendencies. She’d told me that God has a plan for you, he does for all of us. He thinks about you. If you keep obsessing over all of this, what should I do, what should I not do, what will he think, will he come back or not, will he miss me/regret or not, you are doing all the thinking and worrying for your life, God will be like okay, she’s worrying/thinking about her life enough for both our parts, so let her do it, I need not worry about her life. Leave some things on God, let him also think for you, let him show you a path, have faith in what the universe has planned for you, if his coming back is what is best for you, that will happen, if his staying away from him is best for you, that will happen. Have faith in the universe’s plan for you and stop overthinking. Have faith that what is best for you will happen.
I just happened to remember this advice and it stuck and made sense. For now at least, it is making me feel very calm. So I think this is what I am going to do, to let it go. Try reducing my obsession with him regretting letting me go and leave few things to the universe and take each day as it comes.
This is what I’ve been able to figure out so far, will reach out as more things clear up.

Love

Jenny

How do I solve this Anita? I’m 28, since teens I have been attracted to these kind of men only. It’s like physically emotionally it is the hyper-masculine men that turn me on, I think now even at a chemical level. How can I possibly change that. Men who are actually polite and good don’t attract me that way, and the too good, dropping everything for you kind of guys literally repel me. I see them as I don’t know what. I don’t want to end up with a genuinely good guy and not feel that attraction and innately feel that for the chauvinist kind of men. So many genuine guys I didn’t feel love for, the friend I told you about in my early posts as being one of them. So there were all these nice respectful guys giving me the time of their day and I was running behind  a man who wasn’t even answering my calls. I think I’m feeling too overwhelmed with all this right now. I’ll just take a break and leave my laptop alone.

I don’t really know Anita, I don’t know when it started. But yes, I remember I had it when I was 15. We had gone for a vacation for my 15th birthday and something upset mom in the hotel room and I remember her comparing me and talking about my nature then. Maybe since before that, that definitely wasn’t the first time that I’d heard her say that. But my self-doubt got really triggered since getting together with L only. Before that I think there was little in my life that I could become doubtful. Only good things were happening, school results, prestigious colleges so i think i was getting validation. Since L, when he began saying I don’t understand, I am this, I am that, when he avoided and ignored, then it really came out. I was 22 when I went to mom because only then i felt I had actual self-doubt and realized where it came from.

Thank You Anita.

– You’re right. I will take some time to understand if I could have OCD as I’ve never really considered something like it but surely if my obsessive thought don’t reduce in a month’s time of dedicated efforts, I surely will consult with a mental health professional.

– The self-doubt I have is really bad Anita as I did mention in my earlier posts and as you’ve also mentioned. It exists in every sphere of my life but since I attached greatest importance to my romantic relationship, this is where it manifested the most. I trace it to my childhood hurt only as even today when I doubt anything, anything at all that has my actions involved, it starts with just this that ‘what if I am not good enough?’ and I remember feeling the same when mom compared me to family friends, correlated me to a cousin who wasn’t leading a happy life and criticized my nature. I was a very academically bright student, I am at a high post at the company where I work and am regularly appreciated by my colleagues and seniors, both verbally and through promotions but still, still I feel immense self-doubt whenever I am presenting or leading a project, not just nervousness but immense self-doubt. Once when a colleague mentioned (he thought it was a fair joke to crack) after a promotion that my physical appearance had a role to play in it, I actually started considering it that maybe I am not actually that good a professional, maybe he is right despite all the tangible achievements. With my friends I feel sometimes maybe I am not fun enough, maybe I am not serious enough, maybe I’m just a fun friend, maybe I’m just a serious friend, maybe I am pretty so everyone thinks I am dumb, maybe I am not pretty, maybe my nature is bad. And in the relationship, now when I look back, I was one big pile of self-doubt because despite everything in front me of me, I couldn’t see it for what it is. I’ve started starting my day with positive affirmations to myself since the start of the year. Every morning while still in bed, I wrap my hands around me as if hugging me and say ‘ I am a beautiful creation of God who is confident, intelligent and deserving of love, respect and all things good’. It has helped quite a bit, it made me stick to my decision of staying away from my ex and has helped at work too. I will further find ways to boost my confidence and self-love.

– The part about my dad and L is also true. I can’t believe you could see the link that I really couldn’t. I haven’t really ever seen dad’s suppressed anger, that I’ve never sensed it so I don’t know about that but yes, I remember never wanting to share that mom’s words hurt me with him because I felt he’d never say anything to her. I still don’t feel comfortable saying it but in my deepest core, I do feel that my dad doesn’t have an opinion of his own and will just say what mom says. there have been times, not now, but when I was in my teens, when I have wished sometimes that he were more assertive, that he’d call out mom for criticizing my nature. But I love him, everyone on the outside said that he’s an amazing husband and I for most parts saw him as that. But yes, I remember liking L’s attitude in the beginning, in a weird way, I saw his assertiveness, his self-assurance until it became too much, as masculinity that I found lacking in dad (Gosh it feels bad to say this about my dad). I remember telling my friend that I found his slight rudeness of tone attractive initially before he began shouting and shutting me out.

Yep. Lots of self-work to do.

Thanks a lot.

Dear Anita,

Thanks a lot for your very prompt reply to my questions, I really needed them.

I’ve thought and Currently, I’m in the process of writing my reply post to it, and this one is only going to be about me learning my lessons and moving forward on a positive note so that whenever I feel the need to revisit this post and your opinions, I can find the positive conclusions from all of it. I’ll be completing it tomorrow and posting here.
I think I’ve gained more clarity through your replies than I did in all of the last year and can leave my past in the past, just that there is one thought that is still bugging me and not letting me sleep tonight. While I was writing my reply, I kept fighting it, telling myself it doesn’t matter and now I have to only concentrate on myself but it’s still there. One additional thing that I learnt in the last few days is how repressing thoughts is not the healthy way of dealing with them, I expressed my silliest questions and deepest insecurities to you and it is helping move on better than what fighting my thoughts in the last one year did. So I thought, I might as well pour out this last thought too. This is a question and I would love an answer on it. I’ll call my ex L. I’m going to hereon see him only as a Learning experience so.

As I said in my initial posts, L kept contacting me one month post breaking up with me for the 4th time. After he’d left and I had decided not to let him back again, I’d blocked him from everywhere to move forward as I know he would again contact me when he wants to like all the previous times, and then didn’t answer his calls from his friends’ numbers once he started calling.  (I had their numbers) When I reached a level of recovery and could talk to him without bitterness and hurt, I began answering a few of his calls to hear him out as it is not in my general nature to avoid calls and it felt bad and because I was half hoping he might, just might have realized something. I answered about 1 out of 7-8 calls, so in all, in the 9 months that he called, I spoke to him around 3-4 times. I’d sent him a few ‘please don’t contact me’ texts in between but he continued calling.

All talks were generally like random, he sounded bitter throughout though his volume would be low and get higher as the conversation progressed. the first time I answered, his first line was exactly this (the sequence of the phrases might have been different but these exact lines were said), ‘finally, you do me the honor of answering my call, this is how you want to deal with it yes, by avoiding my calls, talk to me right now’, next time he started by saying ‘ Hi, this is L, you know what Jenny, I have spent many nights now wanting to abuse you, show you my anger, curse you’ and changed the topic when I replied that he doesn’t have the right to do that, next two times, he started by asking asking me how I am. All conversations were about him talking about random things and insinuating that he wants me back but not apologizing or saying it clearly, he would say how lonely he feels, would remind me of things in our relation, you remember we did this, we did that. I would generally stay quiet. One time he asked me if I would be open to meeting him, I appreciate it but said sorry I can’t. He would get aggressive when I would say please tell me why are you calling, or that you left, now you cannot call whenever you want, I was very hurt by the way you left me hanging. Not once did he say I’m sorry. In each of the 4 conversations, after a few minutes of the conversation, seeing him just say random stuff, I would just say please stop contacting me, and then he would get angry, he’ll call me an idiot, a bitch, say fuck off/get lost, at which point I would hang up the call. All this was unlike anything the previous times when he left and would come back, generally I’d tell him ‘I’m here and i love you’ the moment he would say he’s lonely as i would mistake it as meaning ‘he’s sorry and he loves me’ and then we would get back together but this time I could see that it was still just about him and what he wanted and there was never an apology. The last time that I told him please stop calling me, it hurts me and i don’t want to be hurt because by now I’d realised that he hasn’t changed, he burst out like during the last year of the relationship saying I myself have no interest, saying i am mean for not going after him when he left and began name-calling and hurling abuses at me, at which point I hung up the call and promised myself never to answer his calls again.

After that, he called me again a couple of times in the last one month but I knew by now that with every talk it only worsened. Around 2 weeks after his last call to me Anita, one morning I just felt that now I want to move ahead, now I don’t want to be bitter and hurt, and then I felt that I should wish him well and tell him categorically because I felt its a dead end now and till he keeps contacting, a part of me will keep being stuck here. So then the morning after that I decided to send him a final text. This was two weeks after his last call to me, I contemplated if I should wish him well through a call but I didn’t want to be sucked back into a confrontation and so decided to leave a short text. This was my exact text:

L, please consider this my farewell text in response of all your calls in the last few months. 

I don’t wish to now keep any contact with you, L, ever. It hurts me and I want to move forward, It brings back memories of the time you broke up with me and I want to move beyond it. Please don’t contact me L. 

I wish you well. May life give you immense happiness and success in all that you do.

Regards, 

Jenny. 

I felt peaceful Anita. and believed that he’ll also take it as farewell and we can end it positively.

A week later though, I got a text from him. This was the exact text.

Congratulations on your idiocy. Spare me your silliness and keep it to you only.
Don’t ever dare to contact me. 

Regards, 
L

And this text is my Question.
– why did he send this? I tried ending it well, why would he say this?
– My idiocy and silliness? I don’t know why it pinched me. Where am I silly and idiot in this? He genuinely thinks this about me? This is how he wants to end it?
– Was I wrong in replying 2 weeks after his last call? Maybe he moved on till then and saw me as an annoyance?
– He is the one who has been contacting, this was the first time I texted myself that too in response to his calls and he is writing dont dare contact me as if I have been calling him.
– Has he no realization nothing at alll? I can’t help but picture him laughing and making fun of me calling me an idiot in front of his friends. I don’t want him to contact, that is precisely why I had sent that text but now his reply and no call thereafter is making me feel so utterly disappointed.

I want nothing to do with this, I am moving forward and early next morning, I’ll start my forward journey of self-development, starting with a positive conclusion post here, but I just wanted to get this out of me before starting that.

Do let me know Anita what you feel about it and it’ll be great if you could help me with my questions. I know this is a naïve wondering but letting it out already feels good. I’ll try getting some sleep meanwhile and await your reply.

Regards,

Jenny.