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Don’t WANT to completely let go the ex.

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  • #366983
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Jenny:

    Good to have you back. I will be able to read and reply to you when I am back to the computer, in a few hours from now.

    anita

    #366986
    jenny
    Participant

    Sure Anita.

    I just happened to think of something, I think I’ve mourned this relationship enough now. so I’ll just put it out here so that I can revisit whenever I need to.

    It’s been a year to my break-up. When he left, again, I promised myself that I will never let him back in but I remember literally saying it aloud to the universe, literally wailing, that you will have to bring him back, you will have to make him contact me, Give him the happiest life but for one second, you will have to make him at least see the hurt he gave me and make him call me. And he did. Not once, not twice, but umpteen times, from multiple numbers, on multiple platforms, every week, for 9 whole months after I repetitively told him not to. The Universe gave me what I’d asked for even though I now see how impulsive and silly that thought was. How Vain was it! For even after all his calls, I was still as hurt as I had been when he left, it served no purpose, yes my ego was less bruised, my validation-seeking self was temporarily placated but the hurt at the bottom of it all stayed. Because my relation, as I’d known it for 5 years, was still over.
    What hurts the most is having to accept that there won’t be another minute in my life that I will spend with this particular person, that all the dreams that I had of a life with specifically him, will never come true, all the things that he and I used to talk of doing, won’t ever happen. There won’t be another minute in parallel universe when He and I will be together. He will live all his major life events, marriage, child-birth, vacations with some other girl, he will share his happiness and sorrow with some other girl. I will also live all the dreams he and I used to see, but with someone else. I know ‘that’ someone else will be better than L, my gut knows it, I know that I’m a good person at heart with immense capacity to love, that the universe has my back and so the person that I’ll end up with will be 10 times better than what L was to me but it will not be him. He won’t have his hands, his face, his laughter, his voice, his way of talking, his mannerisms and that is the most difficult part. Acceptance of the end of my journey with him, once and for all. Acceptance that he is not the one chosen to be with me till the end of my life. And that the little ‘our world’ that I always thought we had created is or will soon be lost in oblivion and become nothing.
    I do think all kinds of thoughts, imagine whether he will miss me in the long-term, if years from now he will tell his friends over a couple of drinks that he often thinks of me. A part of my mind is grossed out by these thoughts, why would I want a man that I loved spend any moment in pain of missing someone who’s no longer in his life, why would I wish for his future-wife that her husband love her but still miss his ex-gf. What kind of twisted thinking is that! Moreover what will that accomplish? What did his calling for 9 months accomplish? I was praying for it to happen, it happened and then? Whether he misses/thinks/regrets/hates/loves/forgets me or not, the reality is that none of it really matters. The only thing real between us, the relationship is over and all this wishful thinking is simply crying over spilt milk which will lead to nothing. Even if he literally pines over me for all his life in his head, the reality will remain that our relationship is over, he will have a wife, I will have a husband and we will have two different paths in life.
    I now have a choice. That relationship is over. The right part of my mind knows that it wasn’t a healthy relation and I am better off without it but even if I let myself have rose-tinted glasses, it is still over. And now I have a choice to make. I can either continue living the way I’m living now, half-heartedly. Working, laughing, loving, thinking, doing everything but half-heartedly, letting my heart nurture and validate the loss and keeping some semblance of him alive within me by continuing to think of him. Where will it lead me in some time? I will have a half-lived life, a life that is not lived up to its highest potential and it’ll show, in my relations, my work, my physical and mental being. I can let this loss slow the speed of my life and dim its luster. To top it all, if the validation-seeking self that I’ll continue to be ever looks at him again for validation, I’ll only see him smirking, thanking himself for leaving the kind of life I’d end up creating for myself. Or, I can decide to rise above it. Not just accept it, but embrace it, not let it make me cynical about life but hopeful about new beginnings, and live a life happier than I’ve ever lived. It is difficult but doable. I can choose to wish him well in my heart and leave him to lead the life that he desires and deserves. I can choose nurturing my present and future, instead of nurturing my past, validating myself instead of validating the relationship. I can develop love, kindness, positivity to such levels that the relations that I have and will have will be more beautiful than I could ever imagine; put so much love and dedication in my work, in my physical and metal well-being that my life shines brighter than it does today. Yes, my dreams of first-love, of everything with L, will not come true but so what, I have the choice to create new dreams of my own and also those with another partner, more suited to me, instead of crying over the loss of the old ones and then go on to fulfill them. Yes, my relationship with L will remain a chapter of my life and once in a blue-moon I might think of him just like I still sometimes think of my old school days, with fondness, but I have the choice to make my life so wholesome by then that my present will look 10 times brighter than what my past did. Yes, I will lose the remnants of the world that I’d created with L, that I’m holding onto, once and for all, but if I don’t let it go, I run the bigger risk of losing the opportunity to have a wholesome, truly happy and fulfilling life. In letting everything related to L go, I will gain a brand-new chance at life, and with the lessons learnt in the past, I can make it so much better than my past.
    And I will make the second choice now. It will be difficult but now that I know this is lost, I’m going to leave it in the past and work towards my best life with all that I do have, and come to think of it, I have a lot.

    I think I’ll read this every time I need to. I just want to start over now and stop thinking about what I’ve lost and start honing and cherishing what I do have.

    #366988
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Jenny:

    I am glad you posted again and will be reading both posts (and anything you may add) when I am back to the computer tomorrow morning, in about 13 hours from now.

    anita

    #367033
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Jenny:

    You shared in your recent two posts that you spoke to your mother, “poured out all”, and she “understood it, apologized, we cried together over phone”, and for the first time in your life, you felt “safe…as if I’ve won a battle than I’ve ever felt.. safer than I’ve ever felt”, and that now, you “can take anything that life throws” at you.

    You shared that “on the whole”, you are “feeling better, free, confident.. less constant questioning”, but you’re still thinking whether L will ever think of you, or “will I just be forgotten’?.. if I’ll be his ‘one that got away’ Will I be that Anita?”

    A year into the breakup, you wanted him to “at least see the hurt he gave me and make him call me”, and indeed he called you “upteen times, from multiple numbers, on multiple platforms, every week, for 9 whole months”, after you told him not to. “The universe gave me what I’d asked for.. the universe has my back”.

    In a post to a member today, you wrote: “try and keep faith in the Universe’s/God’s plan for you. Believe that the Universe has your back… Trust that whatever is best for you will happen. Trust that the Universe will find a way to guide you”.

    This is my understanding of you, Jenny, at this point, and it is my understanding bases on what I believe to be true: you are stuck in old hurt and in magical thinking. There is no Universe/ God, and there is no “Universe’s/God’s plan for you or for any individual on the face of this earth. You are I are here alone- and together- to  make better choices for our lives. There is no magic, no answers to prayers. There is only our choices, individually and collectively, paving the way to worse or better life experience.

    This magical thinking of Universe/God, an entity who cares about individuals’ thinking and feelings, guiding every one of the billions of individuals on earth makes people temporarily feel better, but long term, it keeps people stuck as they wait for that magical entity to make life.. make sense.

    You wrote here: “Yes, my In letting everything related to L go, I will gain a brand-new chance at life, and with the lessons learnt in the past, I can make it so much better than my past”- I agree, you can make your life better by making individual choices based on what you learned in life. But you will not make your life better by waiting for symbols and guidance from an entity that does not exist.

    Again, this is based on what I believe to be true.

    anita

    #367265
    jenny
    Participant

    Hi Anita,

    You’re right I think. I need to take agency for my own life and make better decisions for myself. Agreed.

    The reason for this current post is however, to thank you. I think the particular problem that I came with to this thread is solved.

    So, yesterday, L called me multiple times, again after a month or so I think. And Anita, for the first time I felt nothing, absolutely nothing. Not nostalgia, not love, not even hatred. It was just another call blinking on my phone that I didn’t feel like answering. That’s it. Later tho when I saw my phone and saw 8 missed calls from him,  I was borderline repulsed by the thought that for 5 years I took so much disrespect from this person. I had texted on this site less than a month ago, literally stuck because I just couldn’t let go and now I am free of this. So many things that you’ve said, Peter said, I think they actually made a difference.
    And honestly I think my perspective on what I want in a man is slowly changing, in my head at least. When I am thinking of what i put up with and the kind of men i was attracted to, I feel like its not something that I want hereon.
    There’s definitely a lot of self-work to be done but gosh, I’m at least free of my past unhealthy relation.

    Thank You So much Anita. You’ve no idea how much of a help you’ve been. Just to have someone listen to even your most bizarre thoughts and bother to give a thoughtful opinion on them, is commendable. And to think that you’re doing that for absolute strangers, is very giving of you. I wish you all the happiness for all the positivity you’re spreading here. For helping me identify some of my childhood hurt and helping me break the abusive cycle that i was stuck into, I will forever be grateful. Thanks Much.

    Love,

    Jenny.

    #367287
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Jenny:

    You are welcome. I am very glad to read about the emotional breakthrough that you experienced. Thank you for letting me know, for taking the time to express your appreciation for our communication, and for wishing me happiness. It means a lot to me that you took your time to do so.

    Anytime you want to post again, here or in a new thread (today, in a month from now, or in a year from now)- you are welcome to do so.

    anita

    #367522
    jenny
    Participant

    Hi Anita,

    I am feeling very anxious right now and will be really happy to have some guidance.

    So, I’m moving on, have clarity, working on myself.
    Amid all that my ex calls day before yesterday and yesterday. Yesterday after a couple of calls, he leaves this message:

    Hi, please call, I have to tell you something, something I’ve to convey.

    What is this Anita, if he has to say something, just say it on text. If there’s actually a message, just convey it. On one hand this makes me feel that its another of his lame excuses to just make me talk but on the other, I am human, it does bother me that what is it that he has to convey. If I imagine myself in his place, if there’s actually something to say to a person who’s not answering my calls, I’d just write it down and send it to them. What is going on Anita? I obviously didn’t answer his calls because every time that I’ve talked to him, it’s ended badly, but seriously what is this? Why does he not text if its actually something urgent/important, why does he keep calling and then leave these provocative/hinting texts? I just don’t need this in my life anymore.

    Regards,

    Jenny.

    #367529
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Jenny:

    Exactly a month ago, I referred to this man, for the first time,  as R (“I’ll refer to him aw R, the initial of the word rude”, I wrote to you Sept 4). Later on you referred to him as L, suggesting he has provided you with a Learning opportunity. Because of respect to you, I referred to him from then on as L.

    Today, with all due respect for you, feeling the need to be true to reality,I will refer to him as VR,  standing for Very Rude.  It  fits what you shared about him yourself: that over 6 years ago, before you got involved with him, you “used to think of him as very rude based on his way of talking.. very rude to  people in general”. The Learning opportunity you referred to didn’t yet materialize.

    A month ago I listed the following as his rude (now edited to rude and cruel) behaviors, based on what you shared:

    “(1) He regularly cancelled dates so to have drinks with his friends

    (2) He repeatedly switched his phone off so that you can’t reach him

    (3) He shouted at you and told you to shut up, that you ‘don’t understand anything’, etc.

    (4) He mocked you

    (5) He criticized you for ex., pouring more sauce on your food than he preferred to pour on his

    (6) When you did positive, loving things for him he criticized you for not doing those things perfectly, ex., when you drove him to a place to celebrate his birthday and got lost, he criticized you: ‘you should have done this properly or not done it at all’

    (7) He was very inconsiderate of your basic needs, ex., when you needed to go to the washroom in a restaurant, he told you not to go because he didn’t want to wait for you.

    (8) In the last year of the relationship he intensified his verbal abuse of you: “he had begun verbally abusing me really bad.. apart from the shouting, he’ll start hurling all kinds of abuses at me.. half of the abuses were so bad I hadn’t heard of them nor have I heard anyone in my circle say those things”.

    Fast forward one month and he called you, you didn’t take his calls, so he called you again and again and finally sent you a message: “Hi, please call, I have to tell you something, something I’ve to convey”.

    You asked me: “What is going on Anita?.. what is this? Why does he not text if it’s actually something urgent/ important, why does he keep calling and then leave these provocative/ hinting texts?”-

    – my answers to your questions: he left you this provocative/ hinting text because he wants you to be provoked and call him back. He didn’t text you the nature of the “something urgent/ important” because there is nothing urgent or important that caused him to text you. Seems to me that he calls you because he enjoyed in the past having dominion over you, having power. Power intoxicates people. It feels good.

    More on what is going on, and what this is: the title of your thread is “don’t want to completely let go the ex”- you don’t want to let go of him and that is why you are considering calling him back, and may already have done so.

    I think that what is keeping you drawn to him has a lot to do with the dynamics in your family: your mother being aggressive, having dominion over you and your father.

    Did you already call him back, and if so, what was the conversation like?

    anita

     

    #367530
    jenny
    Participant

    Thanks Anita for the prompt reply.

    No Anita, I didn’t answer his call, nor did I reply to his message. Nothing. I’d promised myself long back after seeing how futile trying to positively engage with him is (the clearest example being me trying to respectfully end it with a closure text to which he very rudely replied, the text that I’d posted here), that I’ll not respond to him ever again. So, no, there was no communication from my side to his calls and text. And it didn’t really bother me yesterday when I saw it. But today I just felt angry and anxious, angry at his attempt to still try and manipulate me by sending these texts instead of trying and being man enough to text/speak directly what it is that he has to say.

    I think I’m just losing respect for him seeing the way he’s behaving, I’d expected that if ever things actually ended, he’d be a little more graceful about it. But I guess this is how it is. Now that I’ve calmed down a little, I am happy that I no longer feel nostalgic or emotional seeing his calls, all I feel now is anger and hopefully this will soon be replaced with indifference.

    Thanks so much Anita. When I felt angry and anxious a while back and just wanted to speak to someone, you were the first person to come to my mind, even before my closest friends and family. Thanks for being so responsive and understanding.

    Love,

    Jenny

    #367533
    jenny
    Participant

    Also, Anita, and correct me if I’m wrong in my thinking, I think this breakup has made me change my approach to instances when I feel disrespected, wronged. Earlier I would speak up, and when the person refused to listen, speak up even more which turned into an argument. Over time I learnt that telling someone who doesn’t care they hurt you, that they have hurt you, is like banging your head against a wall: serves no purpose. So now I choose silence. I read somewhere that sometimes silence is the loudest reply and your biggest strength. That is what I have done with VR. I voiced my concerns for as long as I could. I started with speaking up politely, went on to arguing, dropped down to taking in quietly and ultimately went down to begging and crying. And saw that none of them works. I’ve learnt that when someone disrespects me once, it may be a fault and if it is, speaking up will see a solution to it. But if someone disrespects me repetitively, and refuses to see me when I speak up, its best to disengage and be silent.
    At this point, I feel any word from me will be like fuel and fodder to VR, something to twist and manipulate me again as he’s done every time I did answer his calls after the breakup. So I like silence. It makes me feel good about myself for two reasons: I am not saying anything bitter which is out of character for me or which I may regret later and secondly I feel that someone who’s hurt me so much doesn’t deserve any more explanations from me, he deserves nothing from me except silence. So I think now and forever, if he ever reaches out ever again, dignified silence is going to be my only reply to him. I’ve spent years saying things that fell on deaf ears and now I am done.

    #367534
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Jenny:

    You are welcome and thank you for expressing your appreciation.  I am glad you didn’t call him back.

    “I’d expected that .. he’s be a little more graceful about it”- it is an unrealistic expectation, to expect a consistently very rude man, a man who is often very rude, to be graceful. Will you expect a turtle to fly, or a bird to crawl?

    Any time you feel angry and anxious, or at any other time, feel free to post here, and I will read and reply to you.

    anita

    #367536
    jenny
    Participant

    You’re right Anita. It’s foolish to expect a turtle to fly or for VR to turn into K (kind).

    Also, Anita, and correct me if I’m wrong in my thinking, I think this breakup has made me change my approach to instances when I feel disrespected, wronged. Earlier I would speak up, and when the person refused to listen, speak up even more which turned into an argument. Over time I learnt that telling someone who doesn’t care they hurt you, that they have hurt you, is like banging your head against a wall: serves no purpose. So now I choose silence. I read somewhere that sometimes silence is the loudest reply and your biggest strength. That is what I have done with VR. I voiced my concerns for as long as I could. I started with speaking up politely, went on to arguing, dropped down to taking in quietly and ultimately went down to begging and crying. And saw that none of them works. I’ve learnt that when someone disrespects me once, it may be a fault and if it is, speaking up will see a solution to it. But if someone disrespects me repetitively, and refuses to see me when I speak up, its best to disengage and be silent.
    At this point, I feel any word from me will be like fuel and fodder to VR, something to twist and manipulate me again as he’s done every time I did answer his calls after the breakup. So I like silence. It makes me feel good about myself for two reasons: I am not saying anything bitter which is out of character for me or which I may regret later and secondly I feel that someone who’s hurt me so much doesn’t deserve any more explanations from me, he deserves nothing from me except silence. So I think now and forever, if he ever reaches out ever again, dignified silence is going to be my only reply to him. I’ve spent years saying things that fell on deaf ears and now I am done.

    #367538
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Jenny:

    I will be back to the computer and to your thread in a few hours.

    anita

    #367539
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Jenny:

    Not only do I agree with every word you posted in your recent post, but I couldn’t say it better myself.

    Silence, or as you called it, dignified silence is the best response to him. After all, everything that you told him in the past, for him, it was nothing but noise. Your sincere thoughts, your feelings, your truth.. for him it was nothing but noise.

    What you expressed in your recent post is perfect, smart, wise, insightful, mature… don’t let go and don’t go back on such high quality thinking!

    anita

    #367574
    jenny
    Participant

    Yay! This makes me so happy Anita. It’s like a much needed assurance that now my thinking is on the right track.

    Oh and just an update, he called again yesterday, shortly after our exchange and I stuck to silence. That is what I’ll do always though I now really wish he stops contacting Anita. I am moving ahead and I don’t want reminders of the past relationship in form of his calls.

    Lastly and I know I’m saying it again and again but thank you so much Anita. It might be small to you as I see you help hundreds of people here but for me, you are someone I’ll never forget throughout my life. I asked you the most bizarre obsessive thoughts I had and you gave me detailed answers to even those and helped me disengage from a relationship that I was stuck in since the last 5 years. In the last 1 month, my day-to-day life has improved by leaps and bounds. Thank You.

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