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  • #366189
    Amelia
    Participant

    Hello everyone..

    I have date a guy for 9 months, he is 6 years younger than me. We have different belief and religion. The relationship is great, although I feel a little bit insecure because our different. Maybe because of this insecurities and I want him to accept me, I granted everything that he wants. Most of his requests are helping his job. It’s also my fault, I am a people pleaser type, hard saying No and not making boundaries from the start. In last 3 months, he got easily irritated than before. If I text him asking his activity, he would get mad at me saying that I am nagging too much. If I am calling him, he got angry and vent his anger to me. Most of the time, I just let it go and after that he did realize his action towards me and apologize to me later. The reason of his action is because he has a lot of pressure from his jobs and family. He is working in his family business. It happened a couples of time. Two weeks ago, it happened again. I did all his requests, but he was getting angry to me without any reason. This time I was not letting it go, and get mad back at him. I told him what’s in my mind that I am not his punching bag. He got very angry back, he said i need to be understood of his situation. After that he put a wall on him by not pick up my phone or not texting back. I decided to meet and apologize to  him, but he won’t accept it. The next day, I also trying to apologize he still not accept it. I feel that I don’t have  anymore energy for this, so I decided to break up with him. He didn’t say anything when I said I want to break up. He just storm off, going back to home. The next day I feel sad. I realize that I love him so much, fear that I might lost my chance to get married. Although I also still feel upset with him. He didn’t contact me at all at that day.  The next day, he said that he is sick. I paid visit to him and he said he wanted to going back together. I love him so much, but I don’t know If I could withstand his immaturity. His family also have similar character with him, they are temperamental (I heard from his story). If I get married, I must live with my in law. I don’t know what to do , should I continue this or not? If I want to continue, how should I accept he and his family. Sorry for my bad grammar.

    #366190
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Amelia:

    “If I get married, I must live with my in law.. should I continue this or not?”- no,  because he uses you as a punching bag.

    You wrote: “I am not his punching bag”- but you have been his punching bag!

    “I decided to meet and apologize to him, but he won’t accept it.. he still not accept it.. He just stormed off”- the punching bag (victim) repeatedly apologized to the one punching her (victimizer), and the victimizer did not accept the apology of his victim. Don’t marry that!

    Look how angry he gets: “he got easily irritated.. he would get mad at me… he got angry and vent his anger to me… he was getting angry to me without any reason… He got very angry back.. he put up a wall.. by not pick up my phone and not texting back”.

    “he has a lot of pressure from his jobs and family. He is working in his family business… His family also have similar character with him, they are temperamental”-

    – If you marry him, you will be living with an angry man and with his angry family, and because he will continue to be involved in the family business that causes him pressure, his pressure will continue to be expressed in him using you as a punching bag. And because it is easy to punch a people-pleaser who does not assert herself (“I am a people pleaser type, hard saying No and not making boundaries”), maybe his family too will be using you as a punching bag!

    Marrying him and his family is a recipe to a lot of punching, lots of drama, and lots of misery. (And the worst part perhaps is if you brought children into such misery)

    anita

    #366194
    jenny
    Participant

    Hi Amelia,

    I completely empathize with you because I have had a very similar relationship wherein my now ex-partner would get angry, irritated, not answer calls, snap at me at the smallest of things and blame me in turn for not understanding/supporting/causing his anger when I expressed my displeasure.

    Strictly speaking only from my experience of 5 years with my ex-partner, such treatment only worsens with time and doesn’t get better. The angry out-bursts, snapping, avoiding calls, ignoring issues become more frequent and intensive as the relation progresses. In your case, if he uses you as his punching bag as early as 9 months into the relation, then I fear that marrying wouldn’t be a good choice.

    I’m still recovering from the relationship but trust me, if you choose to separate, it will feel better with time and will lend your life a lot of peace and stability which I feel is not possible while one is in such relationships.

    Lots of Love,

    Jenny

    #366198
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Amelia:

    This morning I read two posts you wrote earlier, one in November 2018 (your first thread)  about your work situation at the time as a lecturer in a public university,  and another in March 2019 (a reply to another member) about the same work situation. I will now quote from your 2018 and 2019 posts regarding your work situation and compare those to your current relationship situation:

    Nov 18: “At first when I arrived at the office, I already sensed something is not right with the work environment. People seem to be cold at each other”- Sept 20, you already sensed something is not right with the relationship environment between you and this man and between him and his parents (“In last 3 months, he got easily irritated than before… Two weeks ago, it happened again. I did all his requests, but he was getting angry at me without any reason”), etc.

    Nov 18: “as a new comer, I predict that they will not be really friendly.. cold not only with me but with each other”- Sept 20: if you marry this man and live with his parents, you will be a new comer, and because you shared that he and his family are temperamental, easy to get angry, it is reasonable to predict that they will continue to be easy to get angry, not only at you, but at each other.

    Nov 18: “As I am reaching 5 months working here, I realised that my colleagues don’t have a good communication with each other”- Sept 20: he does not have a  good communication neither with his parents nor with you (“he put a wall on him by not picking up my phone or not texting back… he just storms off”, etc.)

    Nov 18: “One of the reasons is few people stabbing back their friends… There is also a perfectionistic colleague who always try to pick up on people’s mistakes”- Sept 20: you did everything for him and he kind of stabbed you in the back by using you as his punching bag (“I granted everything that he wants… his punching bag”). If you live with him and his parents, he and maybe his mother (?) will be picking on you, looking for mistakes so to .. use you as a punching bag for their anger.

    Nov 18: “It’s hard to feel comfortable near them”- Sept 20: I imagine it will be very hard to feel comfortable living with these people who will not communicate and solve problems fairly and respectfully; I imagine it will be very uncomfortable to be used as a punching bag.

    Nov 18: “We just got a new boss.. She is also a perfectionist who likes to blame people. She is also kinda controlling.. She does not really likes to hear subordinates’ opinion. Her existence makes the work situation worst”- Sept 20: if you live with him and his parents, it is possible (and it often happens) that one of his parents will be like the boss of the family, controlling, treating the others (including you) like her subordinates.

    Nov 18: “I really want to have a job as a lecturer in public university, but I don’t expect I will have this kind of toxic work situation. I know there will be no ideal work place, but this is too much. It is really stressing me out”- Sept 20: your relationship with him seems like a toxic relationship situation because he gets angry at you for no reason, then he builds that wall around him, storming off; then the one time you assert yourself (telling him that you are not his punching bag), he gets even angrier. Next: you apologized to him repeatedly, finally he calms down and wanted to get back together with you.

    This means that a toxic dynamic has been established: he feels pressure because of his work/ his parents situation -> he gets angry at you/ uses you as a punching bag -> you apologize -> he finally calms down (after a while: -> he feels pressure again-> , etc.)

    Nov 18: “but if I quit everyone will criticize me because it’s hard to get this job which is safe and has good pay”- Sept 20: you are currently 31 or 32 and you want to get married. You may be afraid (?) that if you quit this relationship, you will not have another, and never get married, and you may be afraid that you will be criticized by your own family and friends for quitting on a man you could have married.

    March 2019:  “the working environment is the worst.. horrible boss, bad communication between colleagues.. I am thinking this maybe a mistake. I could just quit but, what if I ended make wrong decision again”- Sept 20: you are now thinking that this relationship may be a mistake, and maybe (?) you worry that if you quit this relationship, and you get into a new relationship, the new relationship will also be bad, or worse.

    March 19: “For now, I decided to just go through it. If three more years I am still feeling this, I could consider quitting”- Sept 20: in the work situation you were able to go home at the end of the workday, and be away from work. But if you marry him, you will be living with him and his parents and …that will be your home, no other place to go to at the end of the day. Plus, if you marry him and have a child, you will not likely quit no matter how miserable. Overall, the longer you stay in this relationship, the more difficult it will be to quit it.

    March 19: “I want to explore more what job I enjoy and what skills should I take if I quit later. In my life, I still don’t know what is right for me. Every time, I think too much, it just makes my stress worse.. I am willing to do anything to make myself better, even quitting my job in my thirties.. I also suggest not be afraid to try new thing. It’s never too late to be (who you) might have been”-

    – September 2020: like you wrote yourself, more than a year ago, it is not too late. It is not too late for you to get married with a mature, even-tempered, kind man. You suggested to another member to not be afraid to try a new thing, don’t be afraid yourself to quit this relationship and find a new way to locate a suitable husband.

    – you are already stressed in this relationship, exhausted (“I feel that I don’t have anymore energy for this”), and that is not making yourself better. If you live with him and his parents, your stress will get worse and you will be more and more exhausted. It is not too late for you to have a better life than the life that awaits if you stay with this man.

    I hope to read your thoughts and feelings about my input and jenny’s.

    anita

     

     

    #366225
    Amelia
    Participant

    Dear Anita, yes I did post a thread two years ago. Well, my working situation currently better. Now, I have friends that I could share my problems with. I also understand that my boss situation demand her to be perfectionist. The toxic friends paid the price, he doesn’t really have a friend. Working place will have their usual problems, but I think I can handle it 🙂

    For my relationship problems, I think in my heart I want to give him a chance. He did apologize for what he did to me. I think, we will discuss it again. Actually I also feel that his family doesn’t like me. So, I think it will be hard on the future. I want to meet him directly and tell my feelings about his attitude and the possibility that it will be hard on the future. If we feel that everything is hard, I think I will end this relationship. Thank you so much Anita

    #366226
    Amelia
    Participant

    Dear Jenny, He did apologize for what he did.

    I think, I am hoping that he will going back to his self before our fight.

    Like I said in the reply post to Anita, I feel that one of his family member doesn’t like me. I think it will be hard for our future.

    How do I let him go?? Imagining the post break up is already hard

    #366238
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Amelia:

    You are welcome. I am glad your work situation improved! Regarding your relationship situation, I understand that you feel love for this man, and that in your heart, you want to give him a chance.

    You wrote that he apologized. Saying words is not enough. In the near future, pay attention to his behavior: will he change the behavior for which he apologized?

    You wrote that his family doesn’t like you. Because he works with them and is in contact with them every day.. this is a big problem, particularly in regard to a possible marriage with him.

    Feel free to post again with updates anytime, and I will be glad to read from you and reply.

    anita

     

    #366276
    Anonymous
    Inactive

    Since you feel you must give this man another chance, how about limiting it to ONE more chance. Give him one month. This giving constant chances for him to change is about you not valuing yourself enough to say I deserve better. You always allowing someone to be abusive in their words and actions towards you is a sign you have work to do to find your own self worth. I wish this were easier or I had a nicer way to say this. Because you allow him to treat you poorly. We teach people how to treat us. Have the courage to see that he devalues you by saying mean things to you. If you text him too much and he wants you to stop, then stop. But if you aren’t bombarding him with text messages, and he is simply mean and angry, then know what is real. If he is simply irritated all the time, this is not a good thing. If he blames you all the time for his ugly behaviors, know this is a really bad sign of what will come if you marry him. I believe his temperament will only solidify more as he gets older. A mean person who says things to make others feel bad is not a good person to marry. Your love can’t or won’t make him turn into a nice guy, someone who treats you well.

    #366287
    jenny
    Participant

    Amelia,

    You asked how do you let go as even imagining the post-breakup scenario is hard. Gosh I was just there myself and then I read a beautiful article that helped me make a decision and decide to not remain in that relation despite very strong feelings and attachment (If I can find that article again online, I’ll post it here).

    See it like this. You are justifiably not happy with the current scenario, but there ‘was’ a nice time which makes you think that there is potential. You are holding on, expecting and hoping for a change and a happier future. Long-term Change in his behavior and his treatment towards you. Now, no one can 100% predict or guarantee it. Being even extremely optimistic, there is a 50% chance that he’ll change but 50% that he will not change , equal chances (though I think the probability of no change is rather higher as its already the reality, probability of change is banking on potential, reality > potential). Now without a doubt, you’ll be elated if he changes but also ask yourself that if he does not change, is it something that you will be able to live with in this relationship? If you stay, or marry, you have to go in accepting both the possibilities.
    That is what made me choose to not remain in the relationship. I was like, all this while I am thinking and hoping it’ll be so nice if he changes but what if he doesn’t? Will I be able to stay happy if things remain as they are? Will I be able to accept it, his angry outbursts and snapping at me? And given that my ex had similar habits of getting angry, shouting and being irritable like your current partner, my answer was no, I’ll be miserable if he doesn’t change. And though extremely difficult, that realisation helps you see through post-breakup times.
    I agree with Rose of Yellow that you can’t change him. At max you can inspire him to change but whether he actually puts in efforts to change and changes sustainably, is totally up to him. Ask yourself if that is a risk that you’re willing to take. I also agree with Anita, Specially about the part that sorry means nothing until its backed up with actions and not just short term actions, but long sustainable ones.

    That’s just my two cents strictly from my own little experience as your story resonated with mine, I’m not very experienced, so take it with a pinch of salt.

    Love,

    Jenny

    #366288
    Amelia
    Participant

    Dear Jenny, Rose of Yellow and Anita.

    Thanks for the encouragement.

    Last saturday, he had meeting with his family about our relationship. That I said before, his family seems not accept me because our different background. It was like drama, after break up and want to get back together, his family suddenly had meeting. Today he told me that his family wants him to ended our relationship. I asked him is there any chances that they will accept me, and he said no. It comes to my realisation that I am the only one to try to maintain this relationship. He doesn’t have any effort to make his family accept me. I decided that we need to end this. We both accept it. I feel very upset until now not only to him and his family but to myself for wasting my energy and time for him. It is right, that word will still remains word until you put an action in to it.

    #366292
    jenny
    Participant

    You did really good Amelia. Yay for the clarity. Every step away from a disrespectful situation is a step towards greater self-worth.

    I don’t think you’ve ‘wasted’ anything. It was a learning experience, you gained knowledge that will help you make better choices in the future, knowledge about behavioral patterns, human relations and most importantly about what you really want in a relationship, that you may not have have gained without this experience. Also, people spend years into disrespectful relations before realizing. Be happy that you realized early in time and have a entire life ahead filled with potential and goodness.

    I’m really happy for you. This is giving even me strength. Girls standing up for themselves. And the upset feeling will get better with time, slowly but surely. Rest, Anita and Rose of Yellow will be able to give you more experienced perspectives.

    Well Done

    Jenny

    #366302
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Amelia:

    You are welcome. I understand your decision to end a relationship that was not going to progress to marriage, which is what you are interested in. I also understand that you are angry at him, at this family, and at yourself for wasting your time and energy on him. But like Jenny suggested to you, your time and energy were not all wasted if you learn from the experience. One thing you learned and mentioned in your most recent post is: “word still remains word until you put an action in it”.

    Post again anytime you want to express your thoughts and feelings, and anytime you want suggestions perhaps, on how to move forward and into a relationship that will proceed into marriage.

    anita

    #366424
    Amelia
    Participant

    Dear Anita,

    The night after the break up was very hard. Yesterday was still hard. I need to work and also cried in front of my co-worker. Thankfully not so many people there because of the pandemic. I am living alone, so I think it is better for me to spend time with my co-worker at noon. At evening, the sad feeling was coming again, how we spent our times together and it will end. I even try to download tinder to try to forget (but I feel stupid), so I decided to deleted again. I try to google “how to fix a broken heart” and I found a Ted Ed video from Guy Winch. He said not to idealize our ex for every thing that makes the relationship not work. It is quite working, I made the list on the phone and it makes me not idealize it. Today it feels better as many task that I need to do at work.

    Actually when we decided to break up, he stated that he want us to still be friends and still contacting each other if we needs help. Until know he still texting with me. Because before I helped him with his work, he still text me about that. Is it better to completely cut the ties or doing this “friendly relationship”? I am not hanging my hope getting back together for now, but I am afraid it will later. As I say, I am a people pleaser type, it’s hard for me to say no. Am I being too kind?

    #366427
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Amelia:

    It is a very good idea to not idealize him, and as you can see yourself, it works, it made you feel better already.

    During the relationship with him, you were “a people pleaser type, hard saying No and not making boundaries from the start” (original post)-

    – You asked me in your most recent post, after the breakup, at the end of the relationship, if you should still be “a people pleaser type” and say Yes to him because what he wants is all that matters:

    I say No. I say: tell him NO.

    Reads to me that he wants to use you when he needs help, and that’s why he offered you to be friends. Don’t agree to be used!

    I started this post with suggesting that it is a good idea to not idealize him. I add to it that it is also a good idea to not keep in contact with him post breakup.

    Marriage is not with him. You want to get married. End contact with him, learn all that you can from this past relationship, and after some time of learning and recovery, aim at meeting a man suitable for marriage with you.

    This is an opportunity for you to practice saying No: tell him NO and follow it with action: if he disrespects your No and calls you- do not answering his calls; if he contacts you otherwise, delete/ block him from your social media/ phone, etc. You are  likely to feel uncomfortable telling him No and following it up with action, but if you don’t give in to the discomfort (anxiety, guilt, whatever it may be), you will get better and better and more comfortable with setting boundaries with people and being assertive with everyone in your life: in casual interactions and in closer relationships.

    “Am I being too kind?”- if you say Yes to him, you will be unkind to yourself. If you say No to him, you will be kind to yourself. (He was often unkind to you- it does not make any sense that you will be unkind to yourself and kind to him!)

    anita

    • This reply was modified 1 month, 3 weeks ago by anita.
    #366470
    Anonymous
    Inactive

    I think you deserve to date someone who values you. His parents don’t like you and you deserve to live a happier life than one in which these parents constantly belittle and criticize you. Now that you know the truth, you can put your energy into finding a better potential partner. The still be friends thing, does it really work? Probably no. I think it is a way to keep our focus on the other person when right now, your focus should be on healing you and keeping your eyes open for a real good man. Because that is what you deserve. Say no to him, say yes to you – echoing Anita here! Saying yes to being his friend is actually devaluing yourself because you deserve better.

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