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I don’t know what to do

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Viewing 9 posts - 16 through 24 (of 24 total)
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  • #366686
    Amelia
    Participant

    Dear Rose and Anita.

    I know this is stupid, but finally I help him. I feel pity for him. I know his family have hard character and very obstinate. He also obstinate sometimes. Today I decided not to help him and contact him in the future. I remember the last fight. The trigger of my anger is actually this same situation. He was cranky and had bad mood, he replied the text only with short messages on long period. His text got longer or I got replied faster when he asked or when I respond about his requests. I feel like I am a door mat. That’s when I vent my anger to him, but he get mad back at me. When I apologized, he said that it was hard for him to forgive me. That’s when I decided to break up with him. Now I realized that he doesn’t love me as much as I do.

    hopefully I can get over him quickly

    Thanks so much for your encouragement.

    #366692
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Amelia:

    You are welcome.

    “I feel pity for him”- feel (pity or)  empathy for yourself first.

    Like I suggested to you earlier, a pattern of behavior has been established in this past relationship (when you assert yourself with him):

    He gets stressed out at work/ with his family-> he gets angry at you and uses you like a punching bag -> you  assert yourself -> he gets even angrier at you -> you apologize to him-> he doesn’t forgive you -> you apologize again and again -> he finally forgives you.

    With this pattern, he punishes you for asserting yourself, as if it is a sin to assert oneself, one that needs forgiveness. Over time, within this pattern, it is easier to not assert yourself and remain a doormat and a punching bag for him.

    “Now I realized that he doesn’t love me as much as I do”- he loves you perhaps in the ways a man loves a punching bag and a doormat. His love is conditioned on you being these things.

    I am glad that you broke up with him and decided to no longer help him and not be in contact with him anymore.

    anita

    #366943
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Amelia:

    How are you??

    anita

    #366966
    Amelia
    Participant

    Dear Anita,

    I feel mix feeling.

    I feel depressed couples day ago. There were also problems at work and it was a bit hard to go outside because of the pandemic. I feel that nothing works in my life. I also feel angry to him and his family. I talked to my mom a lot, thankfully she always listens to my problems. I feel a little bit better today

    #366979
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Amelia:

    I am glad to receive your reply, and good to read that you are feeling a bit better today, hopefully you still do (it is now more than six hours following your reply, and it may be night time for you).

    Feelings don’t stay the same, they keep changing, so on any one day you will feel better, and then worse, and then better again.

    “I feel  that nothing works in my life”- some things work  in your life, and ending this relationship is one of those things that work for you, not against you. Congratulate yourself to break up with him and prevent yourself from experiencing future misery with him. Any time you doubt that you made the correct choice, re-read your  own thread. You are welcome to post again, here or in a new thread, anytime, and I wish you well.

    anita

    #367111
    Amelia
    Participant

    Dear Anita. I just want to share my feeling. We break up because his family doesn’t approve me. They said because we have different background (ethnicity and religion). I feel very hurt by that, this is the first time I have been rejected by racist reason (I feel that way, I don’t know if it count as racist or not). They don’t know anything about me nor even ask my plan about the future whether I could compromise with them. It really make me upset. I did meet his mother and she never talk about that issues and seemed welcome me. I feel betrayed by all this situation. Especially when I tried so hard to make the relationship working by do everything that he asked even swallow my ego to be angry. I know it’s over now, and it could be the best decision. My friends also said it hard to continue with his and his family character. I just want to ranting my feeling here. I talk a lot with my friends, they will possibly bored with my ranting.

    Thanks again

    #367126
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Amelia:

    You are welcome to express your feelings here anytime.

    You shared that his parents knew nothing about you, didn’t ask about your plans for the future, didn’t give you the opportunity to compromise with them. Well, you can’t compromise what you cannot change, which is your ethnicity or race. Neither should you compromise these things if you could.

    “I feel betrayed by this whole situation”- I understand.

    Make sure you limit your people-pleasing behaviors with people so that you don’t betray yourself. You have the personal responsibility to promote your best self-interest, which is to not get involved with people who consider your ethnicity as inferior or undesirable, as well as to be assertive: to state what you need and see to it that what you need is attended to.

    If you want to vent again, but you don’t want me to respond with any advice, please let me know (that will be you asserting yourself), and I will accommodate you.

    anita

    #367127
    Amelia
    Participant

    Dear Anita, thanks for your response. I don’t mind getting advice. It is okay.

    #367130
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Amelia:

    You are welcome. I will be glad to read and reply to every one of your posts with my thoughts and advice. Anytime you want to express yourself, please do. You can type whatever comes to your mind, doesn’t have to make sense.. doesn’t have to be anything other than what you think and feel at the moment.

    anita

Viewing 9 posts - 16 through 24 (of 24 total)

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