Dear Amelia:

You are welcome.

“I feel pity for him”- feel (pity or)  empathy for yourself first.

Like I suggested to you earlier, a pattern of behavior has been established in this past relationship (when you assert yourself with him):

He gets stressed out at work/ with his family-> he gets angry at you and uses you like a punching bag -> you  assert yourself -> he gets even angrier at you -> you apologize to him-> he doesn’t forgive you -> you apologize again and again -> he finally forgives you.

With this pattern, he punishes you for asserting yourself, as if it is a sin to assert oneself, one that needs forgiveness. Over time, within this pattern, it is easier to not assert yourself and remain a doormat and a punching bag for him.

“Now I realized that he doesn’t love me as much as I do”- he loves you perhaps in the ways a man loves a punching bag and a doormat. His love is conditioned on you being these things.

I am glad that you broke up with him and decided to no longer help him and not be in contact with him anymore.

anita

Hello Amelia,

Reading your post, I feel that you might not be ready to get married YET. Don’t take it as an offense.

You excuse yourself to him when you definitely haven’t done anything wrong. You put so much effort into making his life better and you don’t seem to do it genuinely but for him to accept you. It seems like you’re constantly trying to “sell” yourself to him.

You doubt yourself, wondering if you’re doing something wrong, either to him or his family, when you don’t. You seem to lack self-confidence and awareness of your worth. You said yourself that you don’t know how to put boundaries. Girl, you need to take this time to work on yourself. Build yourself and elevate yourself, become a strong person. Otherwise you’ll continue attracting people who will take advantage of you. The next person you’ll meet will be exactly the same if you don’t change yourself. You deserve better, you’re not a bad person nor do you want to spend a lifetime asking yourself if you’re doing something wrong and feeling like a disappointment. You have a JOB! You’re financially independent, image if you weren’t, what would be of you with this type of man? Get out of there as soon as possible, block him and create a safe place for yourself. Go see a therapist, work yourself and you’ll naturally attract a good and nice person. If you don’t, then make a life you’ll enjoy (I say this myself but I fear ending up alone, however alone is better than abused).

You said “a chance for me to get married” and that you’ll have to live in your in-laws, I think I can guess from which part of the world you belong. My culture has some similarities. It’s a chance to get married here too, a blessing, my friends are all married with some exceptions, they are 24 years old. I am 26 and got abandoned by my fiancé, we were supposed to get married this month. You can imagine how I feel at my age. One my my life goals being to have a family and kids.

From someone who understands, get out of there. Be a people pleaser but to yourself, say yes to you and no to him or anyone like him.

Tinynini