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Maria

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  • #367586
    Maria
    Participant

    I think that indeed, when I don’t reach out to people, they don’t either so I would definitely be alone if I stop. I don’t want to be alone but I don’t want to disrespect myself either.

    I see you I have lot of homework now! Will think about it and will probably take some days to answer.

    See you. Thank you again.

    Wish you well.

    #367584
    Maria
    Participant

    Anita,

    Maybe I wasn’t clear enough, his ex was a therapist, no my ex friend, once I saw his notifications and she told him that, right when they were breaking up.

    • This reply was modified 2 weeks, 2 days ago by Maria.
    #367575
    Maria
    Participant

    Hello Anita,

    I hope you’re doing well?

    Update:

    -I have checked a lot of information lately and it seems like the friend that blocked me was plainly manipulative, she couldn’t get her way so she just threw me lol. I once saw a msg from my ex’s ex and she was lecturing him and telling him he was narcissistic (she’s a therapist). I checked today, and INDEED he filled most of the requisites. I had suspected a lot but at the time, I thought she was just angry and said nonsense! That’s crazy! I was given such a blunt proof yet I didn’t believe it. Love surely is blind.

    These are some circumstances you asked me to think about, in which I haven’t been assertive, which we could create a plan for:

    -When the co-worker harassed me because I didn’t focus on her presentation (I didn’t want to cry and was to slow to react and see it was disrespect, I have a hard time identifying when people are being direspectul)

    -Bullies during my childhood (fear of being physically attacked and self-hate)

    -A guy at a bakery who served everyone with a tong and then saved me with his bare hands (STILL ANNOYED about that time), also made jokes about me being bad at maths because I couldn’t make the calculation for the final price (I didn’t want to ask him to change the articles he was handing to me for fear of appearing arrogant when he was definitely the one being rude)

     

    I am also facing a little of a situation right now:

    -I have this friend A, I have been friends with her since we’re children, she once was my best friend, in high school, she betrayed me and told another friend B that I thought she was fake. The other friend B came with her A and confronted me and she A told to my face that indeed I had said that. From that point forward, I lost the trust I had for friends. Since, they are best friends, I don’t speak to the other girl B anymore and I still am friend with the friend A who betrayed me. I wouldn’t tell her my secrets. Thing is, I have always perceived this friend as a sister, even though she was often there when I was bullied and never tried to defend me or anything. I am very loyal. We are still friends and last year I went to visit her to her place. However, every year we come back for holidays in our home country and she always makes sure not to see me. I mean she comes with all sorts of excuses, that she is sick etc. It’s true that she is sick but I often see her posting pictures with other friends. Yet, when I ask her to come home, she says yes and then doesn’t come and gives me an excuse. This has been going on for a long time. I keep giving and giving and sense as if I am not receiving in return, she talks to me when I talk to her, otherwise she doesn’t. Last time, I asked her if she would travel with me to go pick my master’s degree diploma and she said she would ask her dad and let me know… I truly feel as if she doesn’t like to spend time with me.

    I was wondering if I should be assertive and tell her how I feel about the situation or if I should just give up on her because friendships can’t be forced and if she wanted to spend time with me, I wouldn’t have to do all of this. I don’t know if I am being passive aggressive and trying to avoid confrontation or if it is really not worth it and I should once for all cut ties? Any opinion?

    Also, one of the acquaintances I told about my break-up to, never contacted me since I told her to ask if I was feeling ok, I felt kind of hurt, normally I would just brush it and tell my self they don’t care about me and keep the pain in my heart but today I sent her a msg and said: “hey, I hope you’re doing ok. I feel hurt that you haven’t asked how I feel since last time knowing that I am going through a break-up. In my head, it looks like you don’t care. I wish you had asked”. I knew this was assertive but I have been feeling bad for doing so. Do you think it was a good idea? I feel like I always have to chase after my acquaintances (I wouldn’t call them friends), what’s wrong with me?

    -Maria

    thank youuu

    #367528
    Maria
    Participant

    Hello Anita,

    As I told you earlier, I asked some people how they perceived me and they told me, mainly “timid”. Others, said I had a strong personality.

    I have always feared confrontation because of past physical abuse and emotional abuse.

    Indeed, I try not to confront anyone because, first I fear of being physically attacked and second because I get emotional very quickly and cry very quickly. I hate the thought of people seeing me as weak so I don’t engage in confrontation so I don’t cry in front of them.

    I guess that’s why people have been bullying me since I am little, you said “these things and more communicate low self esteem and being timid. In the minds of abusers, this means: someone I can take advantage of! Someone I can mistreat/ abuse and get away with it!”. He must have perceived me as very weak and therefore decided to take advantage of me. Yet, I am thankful, I think it could have been worse. But, you know what is funny? With him, I feared so much being disrespected, that I ALWAYS ALWAYS defended myself when he would do or say something disrespectful. I never let anything pass, and if I let it pass, I would always come back to him and tell him there was a problem. But, he definitely knew that I needed space and time to be assertive, we were working on it. I thought he was genuine back then and we were helping each other but I guess not lol. Now, I start to see his true colors, he definitely thought that he was better than me because of his skin color and would always make jokes about it, thought his family was more religious and more righteous than me. I once feared to tell him my mom asked me to buy her a red lip because he was so judgmental. And I believed him when he said he wasn’t at all judgmental. Every time I showed him girls with my complexion and told him I found them very pretty, once I even showed him a girl who, I think, looked like me, he always said of these girls that they were ugly LOL.

    The worst part is that I could never really fight this fight, I have known for YEARS that I am not assertive enough but I just have a blockage. Tried to work on it but nothing works. I now see that I just tried to cover this weakness with Stoicism because I just couldn’t tackle it.

    We went from a break-up to problems I thought I had buried haha. Do you think there are any ways I could become more assertive? Could therapy work or anything else? Self-help books, YT videos and tips on the internet never worked.

    Anita, do you ever ask questions or want to talk, maybe I could help with some of them. It feels weird to be helped and to give nothing in exchange.

    A 1000 thank yous.

    -M

    #367511
    Maria
    Participant

    **I forgot to say that I have always had a fear of confrontation (childhood abuse), that’s why I turned to Stoicism I guess, out of cowardice so I wouldn’t have to face my fears.

    I will wait! Answer whenever you want!

     

    #367506
    Maria
    Participant

    @Peggy

    Hello Peggy,

    I am already working on affirmations every day, some days are better than others, some days, I can’t help it but feel worthless as I feel like he wouldn’t have left me if I was good enough. Which doesn’t make sense but I can’t help it.

    I will definitely go see a new therapist asap I can, from next week.

    I thank you so much for your kind words, I send you a lot of love! <3<3<3

    -M

    • This reply was modified 2 weeks, 4 days ago by Maria.
    • This reply was modified 2 weeks, 4 days ago by Maria.
    #367505
    Maria
    Participant

    Anita,

    I have asked some people around me to tell me how they perceive me and I am currently waiting for their answers. I think their answers will be very biased so I don’t really count on that.

    Back when I was dating him, was a period of my life in which I was super confident in myself and it was very obvious that I was. I would never say anything self-deprecating in public and speak up when I thought I was being walked all over. HOWEVER, I believed in the concept of “not giving time away to jerks”. Therefore, there were times he thought he needed to “save” me when people “were putting me down” (in my mind, actually mind themselves down because I didn’t feel concerned). How to explain this? Mainly, I used to only become aggressive with people when I thought they were worth it. Once, at work, a woman that seemingly felt so bad about her own person that she started confronting me because she felt I wasn’t giving enough attention to her presentation. She asked me what was wrong “I told her that her presentation was too long and not well organized”; she took it personally and started telling me how long she had to work on it when she was the one to ask me my opinion. So I just stared at her and I felt bad for her, she was pitiful to me. I had done nothing to her. It happened a couple of times and he felt the need to defend me, which I didn’t need at all.

    I am not like this anymore, he made it clear to me that the way I was was a weak to him, I have changed since and have become much more aggressive. I don’t know if it is a good thing but anyways. He always said that you could never get through this life without people fearing you otherwise they wouldn’t respect you. And it seems to be the case in many situations.

    But other than that, I have always been a very independent person, I left my parents home at age 19, changed continent, studied in a country where I knew no one, fell sick, almost died alone when hospitalized for a major chronic disease during months. And he knew that, that I was very independent and didn’t need him. I have been a lot into stoicism so I told him that if we meant to be we would be and otherwise it just wouldn’t, and that I couldn’t control others etc. So I don’t think he perceived me as having low self-worth. But you know what? I have read in a post long ago that narcissists or abusive men, I don’t remember like to break independent women because it makes them feel better about their ego, it is like a prize, the challenge and being able to minimize this type of women. I personally think, people perceive me as a strict, smart girl, arrogant comes back a lot unfortunately. A bit uptight lol.

    Keep you updated once they answer 🙂

     

    #367498
    Maria
    Participant

    @pink24

    Hello girl,

    You don’t know how much your words meant, it felt so comforting to hear that I didn’t do anything wrong, that it wasn’t my fault. And yes, sometimes we just forget that love will be painful in a way or another.

    Thank you for the good vibes, I send you lots of love!

    -M

    #367497
    Maria
    Participant

    Hello Anita,

    I am already back! haha

    I read this article yesterday which got me even MORE DEPRESSED!

    I will quote a part of it:

    “So, if you had the early experience of someone distancing themselves from you or leaving you—or if anyone in your family had that experience—it’s likely you believe that this experience is going to happen again. And because you believe this, you automatically re-create the experience in your relationships today.

    This is why we get caught in the pattern of choosing people who distance themselves from us—because we’re creating our realities from the inside out. We attract people who match what we believe about ourselves and relationships.”

    I have always been bullied since I was a little child and all throughout high school, never understood why people did put so much energy in bringing me down. I grew up and ended up having fears about being abandoned and low self-esteem. One of my only friends, got married this week, she blocked me when I told her I couldn’t attend her wedding because I have a immune disease and can’t put my life into danger. Mainly she was like “if you really wanted to come, you’d” and blocked me, we had been friends for 10years+ and she also bullied me when we were younger.

    All of this makes me feel as if there is a bigger problem underneath, I feel like people will abandon me anyways. When I like a friend, I always take my time and talk to them and try to help them but most of them don’t reciprocate. Thus, I feel like my life is kind of doomed, I can’t do anything but attract this type of people. And I tried everything to love myself enough but how do you know it when you get there? Maybe I can’t love myself enough? What’s even enough?

    Maybe, I just attract people who will inevitably abandon me? That’s why he did?

    Or maybe I am being paranoiac and trying to forcefully put the fault on me?

    Thank you for hearing me, I send you blessings 🙂

    #367483
    Maria
    Participant

    Anita,

    I always thought his mother was the faulter and that he was the victim, your perspective on the matter shifted my gear completely. Now, I feel even more hurt and betrayed.

    I will work on myself in order to be better at analyzing people and will go through therapy.

    Thank you! I will keep you updated once I am well over it, if you’re interested 🙂

    #367450
    Maria
    Participant

    Amelia,

    We actually have the same culture and religion.

    Thinking that his mother thinks she’s better than me and that her son is too, drives me crazy, it makes me so mad.

    Her son pictured her as a very pious woman and she wears the veil etc, yet it is forbidden in our religion to be racist.

    I just feel as a total fool, I had already talked to my parents and they had approved of the marriage even though they have told me to be cautious because he’s from a community where people are very racist and problematic. Yet, I was ready to marry him.

    I just wish I could stop being mad.

    I don’t have really good friends that take care of me or cheer me up, just acquaintances so my life is quite lonely now.

    🙂

    #367449
    Maria
    Participant

    Hello Anita,

    Maybe I was blinded by the words. But, indeed it was easy for him to lie, he would always tell that, however, he never lied to the people he loved. Do you think it is my fault that I attracted a liar? Aren’t good people supposed to attract good people too?

    The thing is that he broke up with his ex for me, a 8 year-old relationship, and told me it was because she was toxic. He told me that they were sexually active so I don’t know what else he could get from me? We never actually had sex because I can’t do that before marriage. We were doing other things, I am now very ashamed of but no actual sexual intercourse. Back then, he used to tell me that his ex wanted to get married but that he didn’t want to because she was chiite and not sunite (2 unities in Islam). Might he have been lying to her this whole time? She was from Irak, so very white, I guess.

    Could it be karma coming back to me? I mean he broke up with her after 8 years so we could be together?

    Thank you for the observation advice, but even if I get really good at observing people, the next person could still lie to me? Do you think it is something I do or I am that made him lie to me?

    I truly can’t stop feeling like a fool, like it is all my fault, that I should have known better.

    Thank you Anita for listening to me and giving so much of your time! You’re a blessing.

    #367443
    Maria
    Participant

    Hello Amelia,

     

    Reading your post, I feel that you might not be ready to get married YET. Don’t take it as an offense.

    You excuse yourself to him when you definitely haven’t done anything wrong. You put so much effort into making his life better and you don’t seem to do it genuinely but for him to accept you. It seems like you’re constantly trying to “sell” yourself to him.

    You doubt yourself, wondering if you’re doing something wrong, either to him or his family, when you don’t. You seem to lack self-confidence and awareness of your worth. You said yourself that you don’t know how to put boundaries. Girl, you need to take this time to work on yourself. Build yourself and elevate yourself, become a strong person. Otherwise you’ll continue attracting people who will take advantage of you. The next person you’ll meet will be exactly the same if you don’t change yourself. You deserve better, you’re not a bad person nor do you want to spend a lifetime asking yourself if you’re doing something wrong and feeling like a disappointment. You have a JOB! You’re financially independent, image if you weren’t, what would be of you with this type of man? Get out of there as soon as possible, block him and create a safe place for yourself. Go see a therapist, work yourself and you’ll naturally attract a good and nice person. If you don’t, then make a life you’ll enjoy (I say this myself but I fear ending up alone, however alone is better than abused).

    You said “a chance for me to get married” and that you’ll have to live in your in-laws, I think I can guess from which part of the world you belong. My culture has some similarities. It’s a chance to get married here too, a blessing, my friends are all married with some exceptions, they are 24 years old. I am 26 and got abandoned by my fiancĂ©, we were supposed to get married this month. You can imagine how I feel at my age. One my my life goals being to have a family and kids.

    From someone who understands, get out of there. Be a people pleaser but to yourself, say yes to you and no to him or anyone like him.

    Tinynini

    #367442
    Maria
    Participant

    Thank you in advance Anita! I also forgot to say that his mother’s first husband own mother didn’t approve of her and didn’t have a good relationship with her. Same for the man she remarried to, his mother didn’t talk to her for 2 years. AND YET, she behaved like this as if she didn’t learn anything from those experiences. And apart from that, these men defied their mothers to be with her and his son couldn’t even do that, I feel maybe I wasn’t worthy enough in his eyes and it breaks my heart to know that I have spent so much energy and time on someone that might have never considered me enough.

    We work at the same place, so I feel stuck thinking about our break-up over and over again, every time I have to send an e-mail and his in the loop. I have no choice but still have him in my life which is very bothering.

    I already had trust issues and I fear for the person coming after him, I feel I can’t never truly trust anyone anymore. Ever.

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