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Joan

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Viewing 7 posts - 1 through 7 (of 7 total)
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  • Joan
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    Omg! I just wrote reply re: sons situation. Lost it befor pisted. Try again soon.

    Joan
    Participant

    The main reason I regret moving home is that by the time my kids reached their teens, they had began disregarding me the same way my family had disregarded me as far back as I can remember. After 3.5 years in therapy in R.I. with a therapist who was also a professor at the Univerity, and very good at his job, I thought things would be different when I moved back home. That was 27 years ago. I regre

    t my decision to move home t

    o my family of origin. I contin

    ued counseling when contin

    back in 1990. Left in 1980. There cousins, my neices and nephews, less than welcomed my kids into the fold. I was protective of my kids, spoke up about it, as I had learned to speak up of my feelings and not harbor resentment. The response from my siblings and mother was they became defensive and ganged up on me, us. My protectiveness of my precious kids whos parents just split up was met with my kids being excluded from activities. And I was horrified. Never had a thought of there being any such outcome over my expressing concerns regarding my kids adjusting to the new environment. I believed speaking up was the right thing to do. We became the topic of many of their conversations in our abscence. I tried. God knows how hard I tried to make things better. Thus the codependency crept back in to play. It hasnt been good.

    Joan
    Participant

    I regret a couple of men I got involved with. They preyed on my vulnerability, sensed my fear of abandonment, and used it to control and manipulate me which I didnt understand then but came to understand when I was 58, after I got involved with the worst yet, a true sociopath, who held me hostage, physically and sexually abused me. From start to end was about 18 months total. I got hooked by this evil person. Finally saw what I was involved with and learned all I could and that with my own strength and determination, got away from him. Never saw or spoke again. Evil at its worst. Havent been on a date or with a man since 2014. What I gained from the situation is that Sociopathic men prey on emotionally injured women and that was the script in my romantic relationships. Again, the early onset fear of abandonment, I believe is at the center of my the issues i have had getting hurt in my relationships and regret my kids endured seeing me brokenhearted over the men I was involved with. They were grown , obviously when I was seeing the last and worst one I met in 2013.  Ask me your questions and I will tell you no lies.

    Joan
    Participant

    Yes, I would. Im from California. Moved to Rhode Island at age 24, after married then divorced to my kids dad. He came to R.I. and we reconciled, went to remarry, divorce had not been finalized. We had out two kids. I moved back to Ca with my 3 almost 4 and 7 y.o. kids. My family of origin continued the unfair treatment I moved away from 9.5 years earlier, now including my kids in their behaviors toward us. I regretted moving home many times over the years. I had 3.5 years of individual psychotherapy before I moved home. I thought it would be different after a decade away. This was my main regret.

    Joan
    Participant

    Ive written replies to this via my email. Sorry, didnt get how the postings all work here. But first I want to clarify that my daughter was in her 20s when I shared my story with her. I absolutely never shared my traumatic experiences with her as a child eventhough my kids  and I were affected by some family members actions and attitudes after I spoke of how I was abused for the first time in over 13 years after the incident.

    Joan
    Participant

    My friends tell me I did too much for them and they never learned to appreciate me. Grew to expect things from me. Overindulged is another I hear. I think my FEAR OF ABANDONMENT plays apart. My daughter has taken things, traumatic experiences I shared hoping it would help her understand me and go easy on me, and used the very awful things to throw in my face and belittle me. I HAVE NEVER DONE SUCH A THING TO ANYBODY, would never consider using anothers hurtful experiences to hurt them more. But she has to me several times. Why? Is she just cold and mean. She is to me.

    Joan
    Participant

    Hi I’m Joan, gratefully found this site  a few months ago. It has helped me cope during difficult times. I have 2 adult children. Male soon 34, female soon 31. Divorced when they were almost 4 and 7. Raised them with little or no help from my ex, financial or other. My daughter and I have a roller coaster relationship. I tears me up. Ive recently grasped that she and I are different in our basic core. Im very compassionate, never kick a dog when down. She is critical, lacks compassion, understanding and empathy for me, the same way my mother was to me. I love my kids so deeply, it hurts. I feel I was an above average mother. Went to college, got off welfare and solely provided everything for them. Holidays, yearly vacations. They were well fed, clothed, sheltered etc. Recently, separately, I asked each one if there was ever a time when they were growing up that they felt unloved. Both of them answered “No, never”. I certainly didnt feel loved, important, or valued. Lot of pain and anguish growing up. I was concious I NEVER EVER wanted my children to feel what I had felt when young. And they didnt, by their own admission. Yet both of them show me deep disregard and no respect. My daughter is the ring leader most of the times. She is above average intelligence, my son diagnosed LD at age 9, in IEP since then. I now know he has ASD which wasnt being diagnosed back then. He is extremely loyal to his younger sister. Im thankful for that, eventhoygh I have felt ganged up on, and abandoned by them alot over the years. I hurt so bad. There is so much more to the story. I just dint know what to do, how to make it stop, without having to lose them and my geand kids. Im desparately miserable. Much more to say re: whats going on but this is all for now. Can anyone help me with this debilitating life issue? Thank you, Joan.

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