how are your troubles going though anita? i know you said that you were going through some things, but is everything okay?

looking back on yesterday being passive is totally miserable it’s like standing still and watching everything move past you and it only looks as if you’re moving too. i actually feel like i can do almost anything after talking to him. and i would try talking to him tomorrow, but i still can’t get off astrology haha! i just don’t want to be too much on him (well i kinda do, but i don’t want to let him know that haha! not yet.) i really hope we get to talk again though. we always seem to have these broken conversations that just seem to hang somewhere in the middle so i don’t know what that means for him, but for me, i’ve just learned to give him his space. to let him just…do what he wants or has to do.

he could be busy. he could not care as much. but i don’t know. i tried though…

• This reply was modified 8 years, 3 months ago by Wisdom.

but it doesn’t matter anita. he answered me and it was like nothing. i answered him again and now there’s no answer. maybe i’m nothing. maybe i’m nothing to him. and that’s just something i’ll have to deal with. i really don’t know. but i tried and i’m tired of trying. i’m sick of being nothing to people i really like and right now, i don’t know where i’m going. with life, with faith or anything. i just really need to start over. for a really long time i was stuck on him and i still am and maybe that’s all i’ll be. but for him, i get the feeling i’ll be nothing.

i just want to be good enough for him, but i feel worthless. i feel like there’s a million people that are better than me for him. that there’s someone that can do better for him. in probably every way possible. and i hate that. i feel like my whole life i haven’t learned anything. that i just lived to try to live and survive and that’s it. there was nothing i really learned from my parents or from friends. besides my grandpa, but we had so much left to talk about and now when i feel like my faith is hanging on a string, i don’t know what to do. i feel like if i lose my faith, i’ll lose my grandpa. he’s the one that put the faith in me. but people talk about how they see their loved ones even after they die. i feel like i’m still waiting for that. or i’m figuring that maybe my grandpa doesn’t love me anymore.

i know i got off topic a bit, but to me these two things go hand in hand somehow. i don’t know how though.

that could be it now that you say it like that. like maybe i’m masking the truth with fear. i had to think on it for a while and come back, but i still can’t really tell the difference. the difference between my fears, the truth and reality. the main thing i’ve been focusing on is that guy i was telling you about. that’s really the only thing i can seem to focus on. i don’t have much else to besides homework. other than that there’s nothing going on with my life. so he’s basically an obsession of mine just naturally. i don’t know what to do about it. besides worrying about if he likes me or if he even remembers me, i have no idea whatelse to do with my life. i can’t focus on much and i’ve been so afraid lately that all i’ve done was overeat (something i REALLY hate to do just in general is to eat). i just don’t feel like there’s anything to my life. i know i should be happy that i’m alive and in one piece and working, but i just feel like there are things that are missing.

i think that’s pretty logical, for the message to be stated clearly. i see angels as kind of happy go lucky things. ones that like to play around. not in a tricky way, but they just like to have fun. although there are more serious angels that i can see giving clear cut, no b.s. messages like how i see angels like saint michael. i don’t know. i think that maybe they know that i already know what the message is, but it’s on me to stop being stupid or oblivious to the truth. yet, i have no idea what the truth is. i know that might not make sense, but i have no other way to explain it.