i’m not sure anita, i never looked at it like that, but i truly did believe everything my grandpa told me. i always believed in spirits, but i never knew what was behind it, but he did and he helped me kind of categorize what that was or just to give it a name other than just “ghosts” he opened my eyes to the world. to the universe. to just…being. it’d be nice to feel that love all the time, but i think there’s a big difference between loving something or someone and then being in love. i save in love feelings for certain things and people. i haven’t really figured if too many people deserve that kind of love from me. especially if they’re going to make me feel bad for feeling that way. for feeling overly passionate about them or something i like. this guy that i like is special and i choose him to have the love that i have for him. just figuring out whether he wants it or not, i think that’s way ahead of me at this time. i don’t think we’re at a point where i can ask or tell him about it. i hope things move along a little further by sometime this year. i’ve liked him for almost 4 years now and he’s really the only one i’m going for. i don’t want anyone else. this i’m very sure about. i used to say the same thing about a lot of the crushes i had just to make it feel or seem real to me, but this guy, he’s like the top of the line. the one i’d really only want. for real.

i think going up for vice president at the school club is definitely the challenge for today. there was so much talking to so many people today and it was so out of my comfort zone. and that’s just today. imagine what’ll be asked of me next tuesday haha!

anita –

you and i used to think the same! i wanted to be all the things you wanted to be, but i let go of all those dreams very recently. i rationed them down a lot and figured that maybe it’s too late or just not what god wanted. i think about acting now though a lot. i don’t necessarily know too many people (personally) that talk about the universe, but when i look at interviews from some of my favorite musicians, they make it sound that way. but now that you said that maybe they actually did something about what they put into the universe, i think that makes more sense. all i do is hope to play the piano or yada yada one day, but they actually taught themselves and put in all the work and stuff. or…one example he used one time was “if i want to fuck that pretty girl tonight, then i will cause i can cause i put that energy into the universe” lmao! but maybe that could happen just because he’s famous too. a lot of people do things without heart. but back to the universe, everyone makes it sound and look so easy. no one ever shows the gap in between and i think that that gets pretty confusing or almost ploylike.

i think a soulmate is more than a mutual attraction. it’s actually something i really don’t know i can explain. my grandpa would tell me that he loved me and i could actually feel the love. it was like…my heart did a backfip. and maybe that sounds a little silly or maybe even exaggerated, but that’s literally the only way i can explain it haha! it’s like i feel all these cool sprinkles around me or something. just like an actual feeling. my mother or my father, i don’t think they can do the same thing. with the guy i like, he’s of course never told me he loved me, but there’s just a feeling that i get about him that makes me feel that he’s the one. as if someone’s over my shoulder tapping me and whispering in my ear, “yeah, that’s the one, girl!” haha! i just feel like i know (or my heart or higher self knows). he’s different and i can tell. i’m sure that we are aware of things beyond us for the most part.

the universe is really a complex thing though. i don’t think anyone really knows what they’re talking about when they talk about it, but if my grandpa explained more to me i think i’d have a better understanding. he really lived by it and that’s one of the things i wish i could’ve asked him about and see what he knew about it in full.

i just have this thing with perfection where when i see someone do something, i think they finessed it, so when i attempt something i want it to be a one shot kill.

i’m actually more apprehensive than excited haha! and the club actually meets every tuesday so this’ll probably count for a majority of tuesdays. i don’t actually know if i’m happy for myself or bummed from being drained out. i just feel like god’s throwing so many eggs at me. let’s just say it was a passive aggresive “decision”.

• This reply was modified 8 years, 9 months ago by Wisdom.

anita –

i think i actually kind of screwed my assignment. remember the acquaintence i made on friday? i didn’t say hi i was too afraid. kinda. i waved to her when she first came into the classroom but once class was over, i never really said anything to her even though i really thought about it.

i wish i could do a better job of taking care of myself. the job i asked for was already filled so i have to wait till next semester to be considered. which only means that i have to keep looking for a job. i just wish i had one so i could do things for myself, particularly to treat myself since i don’t get to get out much with anybody or anything like that. i also HAVE to. my mom expects me to get necessarily toiletries myself by now although i still live with her, but i need a job to fund that. but if i had something to do something that makes me happy, i’d feel way better. i think so anyway. i’d be able to get out of the house and do things other than stay home and worry and overeat.

do you think it’s really true that we should have to love ourselves before other people love us? i think that i’ve asked you this before but i don’t remember. either that our i just held on to the question for a long long time. i just don’t get it though people can have friends and all, but then they’ll discuss insecurities and yada yada. not to say that they’re the best of friends, but they seem to be. i just don’t get how people can have friends, true friends but they’re either too mean or they don’t really seem to love themselves (if they talk about insecurity). yet some very genuine and nice people just get left behind. it’s almost unfair.

i just did the exercise anita and i actually feel a teeny bit better by being nice to myself, but how true do these things really become for us do you think? do you think that even though we are really all beautiful in someway, that there is anybody that is really and truthfully beautiful? anyone that is very perfect? i guess this whole saint thing is something that i’ve been thinking about for a little while now. you know, just thinking that everyone else is better than me and anyone else can do better than me in anything or feeling like everyone’s trying to take (or is taking) what i’m trying to achieve. things like that. they make me wonder whether or not i’m really made for the things i’m after and if people really are better than me or purer than me in whatever way possible. of course the exercise is going to take time for me to believe that i am beautiful and anything else i might affirm, but for some reason i feel like i’m running out of time. like there’s just not enough time for me to waste just sitting and waiting for things, but i have hope and faith as well which is why i always do it.