Hi Anita,

Yes maybe you are right. I can’t help but wonder how young I was when I was emotionally locked out.

It’s hard because the anxiety is passing today. Today I left a note at home for my partner, who has been worried he is not learning English well enough. I knew he would be home before me so I wanted to know that I love him for being him, not because he does or doesn’t do English…that even if he stopped tomorrow I would love him the same.

He just wrote me a message and I smiled with happiness, followed by the ever so common and awful flinch of doubt and fear in the stomach 🙁

Hi Anita,

I hope you’re well?

I am posting today as I can feel the relationship anxiety rising so want to name it for what it is as a way of helping me cope.

I haven’t been journalling as much and I believe that now I must try and do it even when feeling good. In general since the last time I have written I have not felt anxious about the relationship. In fact, my anxiety has focused on other areas of life: studies, future, money etc.

Since we last spoke I took my partner to meet some family. That was a big trigger for me indeed. Estranged family and difficult past coming together with a beautiful loving present.

I have also been quite self critical recently particularly with my physical appearance. I have found that I often project this onto my partner now and he is not ‘strong enough’ or his belly is getting ‘too fat’. Moreover, I find myself more critical of his appearance. Particularly when I look at photos of us. I feel horrible as I am starting to see the similarity I share with my Father and that upsets me. I then look at my partner and can see his supposed flaws.

Apart from this my dreams have been quite intrusive. I have had nightmares that he has left me and I am often in the dream screaming begging him not to go. Or in some dreams he has passed away and I am searching for him and wondering about ‘how I will ever survive’. This weekend when I felt myself entering anxious mode I had horrible sensations that ?I just don’t love him anymore’. This was very upsetting and confusing because it was not the usual harsh tone of thought but a gentle one. I imagine this is anxiety at its worst, the ego and fear based thoughts trying to convince us.

The other usual questions have popped up ‘Am I in love enough?’. Will we ‘earn enough to buy a house?’. Is he ‘too quiet in social situations?’ and if so ‘what will people think of him?’.

The list is growing as I feel myself getting more anxious, so I am trying to acknowledge the feelings but not allow them to influence me or panic.

Very upsetting.

Dear Anita,

How are you? I hope this message finds you well. As always thank you for your kind and thought provoking messages.

The delay is down to the simple fact that I have been taking time to be as kind as possible to myself. And yes, the ego has tried to beat me down quite a few times, and I have tried to let it go with love and focusing on more positive aspects, which I actually have done and I have noticed myself feeling more positive in general. This is nice because this week alone I have been enjoying life more, seeing my partner and myself in more positive lights and just feeling calmer. It means that when some thoughts do creep in on me I kind of just let go and know they well pass as hard as they may be.

I’m really sorry to read about the guilt and anxiety that you experienced. It can’t have been easy and definitely resonates with me. Over the years has it improved for you? If so, what has helped you get to a more comfortable place? How do you cope with anxiety now??

I do understand more what you mean by the guilt now. This too came up in therapy, ‘when will you stop cutting yourself short and beating yourself up’ was what was said to me. For anyone I have told, they feel that I was drunk (lost any inhibitions) and still managed to be conscious enough to remove myself from the situation. So now I feel more proud of myself than anything.

Unfortunately I never knew why she did it, and if I do try and find out I get answers that don’t answer it. It was a tough time for definite. But I had been put out from home for maybe 1 or 2 years and often would have to wait in the garden and eventually she would let me in. So on and off for 2 years these threats were happening. They only stopped this final time when after it happened, I decided not to go back. and I guess that was a very important and wise decision for a 17 year old to make.

Hi Anita,

Thank you for your response.

I realise where I may have over exaggerated and where not.

I read back over my messages. The first thing I sent to my partner said “they were intending to have a threesome and as I reached for my phone I made contact” this was at 8:35 am. I went to bed very drunk at 4am. So I hadn’t slept and clearly didn’t think of that message. Later in the day I sent further messages which were more honest etc and clarified everything.

I hust spoke to my friend, the girl. I read her that message. She kindly turned to me and said “I’m not sure what you seem to think has happened. Nobody tried to have a threesome. We explained last night, that in Work we do a thing called cuddle circles to relieve stress. These circles sometimes involve more than 10 people each spooning each other one way for 5 mins, then we all turn to the other way for 5”. I stared blankly. I know that things felt uncomfortable. I know the girls made out which my friend says “was her fault for kissing her best friend.” For example now they are watching a movie together and are cuddling. They are childhood friends so maybe it’s more common for them.

Also, I was sure that something was going on. But when I asked about the Male friend se said “Derek don’t you remember how nervous he was and moved away”.

anyway, my point is is I still feel like I almost crossed a line and risked temptation and walked away. But I am afraid too that I completely over exaggerated a situation. That doesn’t mean that it was entirely innocent as I clearly felt nervous etc. But now I just feel crap because I could’ve just asked this morning, and then could’ve explained a lot better and a lot less exaggerated and hysterical. Now I feel like I blew a situation up, drunkenly lost self control, catastrophised and also probably distressed my partner.

Because “they were intending to have a threesome”

or “they were being drunk and did this bizarre cuddle circle thing that got even more bizarre and could’ve escalated but didn’t”

i dunno I feel like I let anxiety and fear take over. I’m sorrt that you know the feeling. It’s sad. It’s a horrible feeling.

Anita,

This post made me cry with happiness. I feel proud for even with alcohol I could stop a situation escalating, rather than wanting to beat myself down over it.

I think how how I described it here may sounds more catastrophic than it was. Anyone I have spoken to says “I don’t understand how you think you’ve cheated on your partner, nothing happened”. My friends laughed because I was part of a drunken hugging circle, of course you’ll have contact.

My ego is beating me saying I told my partner about it in a light hearted way, but I feel that if I allow my catastrophic nature step in, it could hurt him unnecessarily. He knows I was in an uncomfortable situation drunk and foolish where contact was made. Describing a 3 second interaction in graphic detail may cause unnecessary worry and upset for him.

I forgive myself, and I will always forgive him. I have been so excited just to feel his hand and have him close. I want to feel safe again.

Hi Anita,

I didn’t feel distressed as such it was just dificult. He has contact with my mother and was sad that when the family broke apart he has felt like he doesn’t have a family. He feels that we don’t even meet once a year and be in the same room together. i understood but also thought that at least he and i have kept contact and can meet (although it was quite stressful at times when he came to visit). I guess because we have different views. He feels that I can meet with other family members who at times also cause me hurt because I say ‘I just think that the good outweighs the bad and that meeting for dinner is better than severing the relationship altogether’. my goal is to learn to maintain relationships rather than follow family patterns and cut people out.

With my mother, I had wanted a dog as a child. I was never allowed. We did watch my grandfathers dog for 2 weeks once as my Grandfather went away on holiday. That dog was old, and a little sick. He passed away a few years later i think. My grandfather also passed four years ago and it would have been his birthday last week.

I suppose by the age of 17 my needs had changed and i was shocked to see a dog in the kitchen. I was happy naturally. But the same week i had also been for a job interview to work 8 hours a week. this was because I was often told I needed to earn some money for myself because she couldn’t afford to pay for everything. So when I got the job, then she didn’t want me to take it because ‘who would look after the dog’. It was December time as well and my brother was away working and studying abroad. So she threatned for two weeks that she would sell the dog, and I obviously didn’t think that would happen. Plus I had told family, friends, school about the dog. Then one day I was getting ready for work and sat at the top of my stairs as I came down to leave and saw her hand the dog over. I never even got to say goodbye. She turned and looked up at me and said that I couldve stopped her. Then I went to work very distressed.

I should mention that my Mother bought the dog from the same pack as my Aunt. They bought two puppies, one for them, one for us. When I lost contact with my Mother (she came to my work the following summer with a bag and told me never to come back…), so I never did. I was distraught I suppose. traumatic maybe. Anyway my Aunt also told me I couldn’t visit her until I ‘went back home’. So I threw myself into final year of high school and studied as hard as I could to get out. I was awarded top boy of the year and still was disappointed with my results.

About 3 years ago at Christmas my brother and mother went to my Aunt’s house. He sent me a pic of a dog on his lap (it was the other dog I guess because was the same type). I tried to make a joke about how it was a bit silly because ‘doesn’t he remember what happened’ (apparently he wasn’t told about the dog until some time later). He said that he ‘hadn’t thought about it before sending the picture’ then ‘that was years ago I thought you would be over it’.

So now my partner is comuing to collect me and we are going on a hike, with a dog. I guess it makes sense I am overjoyed by having a dog at home (altthough quite nervous). So maybe two worlds have collided, my old broken home and my new home of love built on trust and stability (both of which are still very new to me).

I feel like this is all very personal, should I delete it? I don’t mind i just can’t believe wrote all that without even thinking.

Hi Anita,

I hope you are well. I am currently in a wave of anxiety and going through the motions as usual to try and calm it.

Since last week I have been feeling full of doubt (it was a family members birthday who has passed) and I had a difficult conversation with by brother about childhood on Saturday. I am aware that these themes have probably played a role in my current spike.

On Saturday I was quite cruel. We went for dinner and i barely spoke, I guess I was withdrawn because I wanted to see if ‘he could keep a convo because I am bored’. I realise this was mean behaviour and very dysfunctional. Also, telling him I was bored was cruel. I know I learned this cruelty from childhood so must try not to repeat it. I also cried with him on Saturday too, because I felt so horrible. I cried again on Tuesday I believe because I felt so overwhelmed with negative thoughts that I wanted to be close to him but struggled. But I knew I was changing the old pattern by just opening up to him. twice this week I have felt a pang of anxiety when I saw him and immediately thought that thsi was becasue I ‘wasn’t attracted to him.’ Once with him however I have felt calm and secure, and free to cry and explain how I dfeel. He has responded with overwhelming support. For that I felt so in love. Twice in the last week I have openly told him ‘I am very frightened and am not sure if we should just end this’. I am convinced this is me allowing fear to rule me rather than making a conscious decuision to stay in the present moment. I worry that this will hurt him. But he understands. \

Also, this week we are dogsitting for a friends  dog. We are both so happy as we love dogs. I cant help but wonder if this is healing an old wouind. My mother surprised me with a puppy when I was 17 (as a boy I had always wanted a dog) and she sold it in front of me two weeks later and told me ‘I couldve stopped her’. Since then I haven’t really dealt with that or really had an interest in dogs but the last year I have started to refind my love for them. I cant help but think that my partner is helping me to redicover the love that i have inside and that all of this is shedding wounds of old and allowing me to progress further. However, with that comes fear and doubt. He struggles to say the name of the dog and i feel that is ‘stupid and how can you forget so easy’. Then realise HEY why be so hard on anyone, who cares, mistakes are ok.

I am struggling to feel ‘in love’ this week, but also think that breaking up is not what’s necessary. Realistically, beneath everything I say here about the relationship is a whole well of dark memories and wounds.

Would love to hear your thoughts.