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k8tyBParticipantDear Anita and Suede,
Thank you both for your words.
Anita-I am so looking forward to this process that I am about to go through, true there is fear there but I am also excited about becoming , like Suede says, ” the best possible version of me “.
I feel ready to heal..I’m not sure that’s the right word but it’s the one I’m using today.
Suede, I am happy that you are radiating happiness and you are in a much better place , for myself I am hopeful .
My relationship lasted for only a year and a half but I just couldn’t imagine being in it for another week once things came to a head. Back in December I was in such a bad way physically and mentally I thought I was heading for a nervous break down, he told everyone I was suffering with exhaustion because I was working too hard, his mum told me to take care of myself because he was very good at taking care of himself. I felt so unbalanced and it felt as if I was losing my mind. I did everything he asked and when it felt like I was finally getting somewhere he would change direction and that thing he asked for in the first place wasn’t right !! Nothing was ever right or good enough , I tried changing my speech once to encourage better communication, he sent me some message he found on the internet somewhere saying I was minimising the problems and I was being manipulative.
I once told him that I feel as if I was walking on eggshells and his anger wasn’t normal, he said because I feared his anger, I projected it onto him and then the thing I feared became real ( as in he got angry ) and it was my fault . I honestly could not believe what I was hearing.
Life is already a bit sweeter , I now look forward to my weekends again …before it was as if I needed to get myself battle ready .k8tyBParticipantDearest Anita,
Thank you for your welcome xx I have gone back and read the entries on the forum as well and I’m glad I did , for me it’s like a lesson in helping me to examine myself a bit more .
As for the psychotherapy, I had to stop for these past few weeks as it got a bit expensive but I am due to start again in a week and I am really looking forward to it. I have learned from the few sessions I have had is how much my childhood has impacted on my life , it has opened my eyes to my own behaviours and in some situations how much they mirror those of my mother and my father . And you too Anita, you help me see that as well . It was really food for thought .
I used to think of myself as a smart and capable individual who would run or stand up to any form of abuse in any relationship, and it does surprise me that I have endured it so long. Your last paragraph does make sense, and it makes me wonder when did I become desperate to be loved ?
Thanks again Anita ,
Peace and love
k8tyBk8tyBParticipantDearest Anita,
You have no idea how grateful I am for your post right at this moment. He is still calling and I was just about to send him an email but decided to check tiny buddah instead and I am glad I did . I don’t want to start communicating with him again and even if I write, ” Leave me alone ” I know where it will go with more of the same and I don’t want that .
My mind was thinking maybe if he’s trying this hard, maybe he wants to change things and I should hear what he has to say, I’m being ridiculous and weak and now I am angry with myself đ
I know he needs help, I’ve told him but he says there is nothing wrong with him and I just need to be better at my communication. I just remembered during the last row, he accused me of trying to assert myself and said it didn’t distract from the truth , that it was all my fault . He came back after a day or two nastier and harder and more viscious verbally than usual , it was like blows raining down on my heart and mind. I actually felt physically ill from it, then he asked me what I was going to do for him , that alarmed me. I need to keep remembering that this is not what I want in my life or my child’s , that this is what I got away from, this is what I mamaged to keep my child from and keep it that way.
Thank again Anita.
K8tyBk8tyBParticipantDear Anita,
I apologise for taking so long to reply ,it’s been a hectic weekend.
When my ex dumped the guilt on me, I used to think I needed to try harder to make this person happy because obviously I wasn’t doing enough as he was still unhappy and pointing it out. I used to feel as if I wasn’t doing the ” right ” thing, but I soon came to realise there was no ” right ” things because nothing pleased or satisfied him unless I was totally submissive or agreeable , as in agreed to whatever he was saying and say I’d make it up or do better . Then the bar would move if I thought things were improving, and it would be something else week after week . This was the pattern. It all felt very unstable and confusing and I got fed up .
He is still trying to contact me and I answered the phone yesterday thinking I was getting an overseas call but it was him and I wasn’t interested in anything he says. I am eating again and I do feel so much better than I have been for months, I am also sleeping again , I almost feel like myself, it’s like a weight has been lifted off my shoulders and the clouds are moving away. I like this feeling.
A bit more about my mum…. She never seemed satisfied about anything, she complained about everything and told me I was like my dad most of the time . My dad was a womanising alcoholic , I never knew what she meant by that and I still don’t to be honest. I haven’t thought about it in years. She never actually ever TALKED to us about anything , everything would be in an accusatory tone or a quarrel She told us never to have kids that they ruin your life. She used to say the only reason she got so many children was because she was trying to feed me and my siblings. As I got older I kind of figured out what that meant .
No, I cant’t accept what he is offering and I can’t accept that if I remained with this man , my child would think this is normal and acceptable behaviour when it’s not. it’s toxic and nothing good grows in a toxic environment ( as far as I know ) .
I don’t need to be the good child , I need to be good to me , kinder I think …
Thank you Anita for sharing and for your support, I look forward to hearing from you soon.
Peace and Love
k8tyBk8tyBParticipantHey , I got an email last night saying he was on his way over to me , that he was worried about me , rubbish!! I got in my car and went over to a friend’s house for a couple hours. I am glad I read at least that email it was titled NOW, because I would have been in the house when he arrived and I didn’t want to cause a scene, and not with my son at home too . That’s really made me angry because there has been a few times when we have had a disagreement and I have attempted to sort it out that he’s told me not to come to his house uninvited, now he thinks he can show up at my door!!! I want to tell him not to come to my house and to leave me alone but I know that he is waiting for that, the communication and I want to give him nothing . But what do I do ?
On another note…….
Dearest Anita, Thank you so much for sharing,I want you to know that I really appreciate it especially reading how difficult you have found it to do so . If you were close by I would hug you til you squeaked đ but as your’re not I am sending my love to you via the universe and hope that where ever you are it reaches you and you received it with the warmth and sincerity as intended.My mother was a very hard working unhappy woman, she usually worked two jobs to keep us clothed and fed and came home miserable and quarrelled with us from morning til night sometimes waking us up to chastise us about some thing or another . I was a very, very poorly child and could say I was the runt of the litter ( Five of us ). I’d often be sick and in and out of hospital and my mum was the only one that took care of me so I was very attached to her , Even up to the age of twelve I can remember crying when she left to go to the supermarket, probably from the fear of being abandoned ? I can’t really remember her telling any of us that she loved us , not until about five years ago or so . My siblings used to say I was her favourite but it certainly didn’t feel like it , I think she spent the most time with me because of how poorly I used to be . I grew up wanting to be the ” good child ” , I didn’t rebel so to speak , I didn’t want to cause trouble and upset her in any way .
Will post again later, I have to go . Thank you for listening .
Peace and Love,
K8tyBk8tyBParticipantHello Nan and Anita,I love your words, your insight and words of wisdom and support, I am also grateful for your time, thank you
Nan, your “Lawd have mercy, girl!” made me laugh out loud for the first time in weeks, thank you so much for that and for your kind support. I did go back and read that first post, thank you that was a great suggestion and do know that I have made the best decision for me and my family.
Dearest Anita,I can relate to your experience fully because it was very similar to the relationship I had with my mother as a child . She said that my siblings and I were the reason that her life was so miserable and often threatened to put us into care, first it was for our own good because she couldn’t feed us and then it was because she didn’t want us. I used to believe she would do it, leave us, and I used to also believe it was our fault that she was so unhappy.
No Anita, it wasn’t your fault , you were not guilty, you were not responsible for her being the way she was. I cry as I type this as I can see the similarities between the relationship that has just ended and the one that I had with my mother . Anita you have opened something in me and I can not describe it to you now except I feel the need to bawl my eyes out .
love to you all,
k8tyBk8tyBParticipantHi,
This morning I got up feeling pretty positive even though I didn’t sleep well, but as the day went on I had he increasing feeling of guilt? When I got up this morning there were two voice mail messages and emails even though I tried to block them, I need someone tech savvy :/
I haven’t listened to any of the messages or read any of the emails as he has been calling me since tuesday from a different number after I blocked his mobile number . I did listen to one message yesterday and he claimed he was checking up on me to make sure I was ok and he hoped to hear from me yesterday . He said he was shocked that I didn’t accept the ring or key back and he felt incredibly rejected . I havent listened to any more .
I guess I feel guilty because it feels as if I am being rude and unfair by not responding , I don’t know it’s just confusing It’s funny because writing this now it’s the way he used to try to make me feel for every little mistake, guilty hmmm… I need to look at this a bit more in myself I think.
This is the only way ( Blocking every avenue to me ) that I know how to get off this toxic merry go round in order to protect myself . Ive decided to start throwing things out that reminds me of him and think of it as a kind of cleansing . If any one has any other suggestions to help me help myself , I would really appreciate it.Thanking you all in advance.
k8tyB xk8tyBParticipantHi Nan and Jane thank you for taking the time out to replies, you’re right I have been warned and I do intend to keep heeding that warning it just felt so awful today then my son came home from school and hugged me, we sat infront the fire and it was so nice , little reminders that I have indeed done the right thing.
He came back an hour before the school run and told me he loved me and offered me the ring and key back, I said no I can’t take them as there are too many issues that would need to be sorted out if there was even the possibility of us moving forward. He went off again, telling me he came to my house and opened himself up to me and I rejected him and his offerings and he was just doing something positive and I have turned it into a negative. I just looked at him and thought , you’ll never change , you don’t deserve me , you are horrid. Here the monster reveals himself ….He said he spoke to his ex-wife to ask her what kind of husband he as when they lived together and she told him he was a good man and he needed to hear that . I said isn’t it funny you’re such a good man and she moved countries to get away from you , Goodbye. He left and not in a good mood , well that’s nothing new lol, he’s always in a sour mood when things don’t go his way .
Just received today’s email from Tin yBuddah, it’s so perfect for today, Thank you xk8tyBParticipantSo he just bought my things areound, I am in so much pain , why did I have to love this man so much ? What a horrid feeling , feels like ive got pain from my throat all the way through to my legs. We spoke briefly, is it normal to think that maybe I made a mistake ? he looked like the man that I fell in love with , not the monster.
I don’t feel so strong today after seeing him, I wish it didn’t hurt so much .Even after speaking it’s clear that he doesn’t recognise what I have been saying all this time. I wish I hadn’t bothered , I shouldn’t have .k8tyBParticipantHi Nan, I too am sorry that you are going through the situation that you are . I started reading a book called “Fear , wisdom for getting through the storm ” by a buddhist monk and I have found it really helpful.
Thankfully, we don’t live together, he always spoke of moving in together but I wasn’t ready somehow, maybe instinct. I am fortuante to own my home albeit jointly with my ex which he often said I should sell so that I wouldnt be under my ex’s auspices lol . I am so glad that I never went through with it as my first thought was , this is my son’s home and didn’t want to make any rash decisions especially when his behaviour began to escalate. He also talked about having kids , I will be eternally grateful that I didnt come off my birth control like thought I should.
Yes I did all I could for the relationship because it was important to me , but nothing is more important that our (my son as well ) mental, emotional and physical wellbeing, like Anita has said things happen and they can last a life time.
One of his last texts were to ask back for his ring and key, I told him that they will be next day delivery in the registered post, he said well if you want to live your life like that . I was so proud of myself because I knew he wanted a completely different reaction, probably hoping I’d say I wanted to meet ,that was the end of that . Control tactics , to which I am becoming more and more aware and to which I will never submit.
Anita, thank you for your post, it bought tears to my eyes, it meant so much to me . I protected my baby,I took care of him, I did ok đ
Nan, thank you for your post and well wishes , having you and anita, jane and others on here , you have all bought me such comfort and wisdom . I cannot beging to express my gratitude and appreciation for you all, taking the time out to extend your love and help towards a complete stranger. THANK YOU ALL SO VERY MUCH .
Peace and Love to you all,
k8tyB xxk8tyBParticipantDear Anita,
Thank you xk8tyBParticipantDear Anita,
This time there will be no relief for him , no submission , he will have to look elsewhere for his “fix” , I will not be accepting his punishment, it’s well and truly over. I hear what you are saying when you say ” the obscentiy of this kind of interaction” …because that is exactly what it is, obscene and sick . I told my therapist today that it’s as if he has a whip and has beating me with it over and over again and more and more often these past few months.
Yes, I do have to put a stop to it, he won’t be finiding any relief here , there has been no more texts today , I didn’t answer the last ones he sent . My regret is that I didn’t put a stop to this madness sooner, that I allowed it to carry on as long as I did. I am happy though that it is over and I did not present him with another victim, namely my child.
He can keep his “Love ” and give it to someone who enjoys wallowing and existing in the toxicity of it .
k8tyBk8tyBParticipantI love it, I will print it out and stick it to my bedroom door with another one that i recently found that reminded me so much of me . If it’s ok, I’d like to share that poem with you all as well, please let me know .
Thank you anita and thank you shirley xxk8tyBParticipantDear Anita, Thank you for your insight and your words of wisdom they are a real comfort to me and they ring so very true . Yes perhaps I did feel like I needed to be punished.He was always telling me how patient he was with me talking about my ex and how no man would tolerate it and how bad it made him feel that I did it , there always seem to be something he tried to make me feel guilty about, Like I turn up late or I didnt get around to doing something he thought I should do in the time that he thoughtI should do it in which is usually immediately, I see that now.
No he didnt love me and I too used to think that he somehow got pleasure from conflict as it was after an argument that he would be most loving especially when I have agreed to something he has said and apologised even though he started it. He said I like arguing, I know that was him projecting as most of the so called issues were not issues but small things that could be sorted out with a normal conversation but he went for the drama and I’d either have to defend my self , apologise or agree.
I once told him that I am not responsible for the pain that he has been feeling all his life , maybe his taking it out on me really was him releiving himself .
Today I feel a sense of relief knowing that this weekend ( I know it’s early in the week đ I can spend the weekend not wondering what his mood will be like on the day. Will plans made still be upheld? Will I have to duck and dodge accusations, will I have to breathe a sigh of relief going to bed at the end of the night if hes still in a good mood.
I woke up this morning to a barrage of texts and accusations, I wasnt kind, I hurt people that love me and he doesnt know whats wrong with me , I am volatile, I twist his interaction with the random woman and it was a nice experience til he mentioned it to me, I didnt invite him over to my house often enough, he would have been happy if I did things out the blue, stop referring to my ex and he felt alone in the relationship . The more he talks the more he opens my eyes to who he really is the better I feel about making the decision I did. I know some days I will remember the good times and I will feel pretty rotten and when those days come I will turn to Tiny buddah and my fellow posters for words of wisdom and comfort. One of the articles that is my favourite is Letting Go of Toxic Relationships when youre still in love ( or something along those lines) đ
Thank you very much .x
k8tyBk8tyBParticipantSo…I’ve ended the relationship, yesterday I was sure and hopeful, today I am still sure but it really hurts and I can’t seem to stop crying. My friends tell me that I have done the right thing because he has been such a D@&$ÂŁK to me and it was horrible because it made me so ill. I keep remembering the good times we had but I am trying to balance it out with the not so good times lol , I am not sure what else to do .
He accused me of ending the relationship because I was jealous, I gave up trying to explain to him that I wasn’t jealous and that it’s the way he has been treating me that I am unhappy with .
I keep wondering if he loved me , if he was just wearing a mask all this time? And if he loved me why did he feel the need to punish me and hurt me over and over again. And if he didn’t love me , why ask me to marry him, why didn’t he just let me go ? And I question myself and was it me and was there anything I could have done better? was I kind? Patient? Loving enough? Did I try hard enough ?
He said I’ve been pushing him away , maybe I did .
I’m expressing my thoughts here instead of writing them in a book, I hope thats ok .
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