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Kat

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  • Kat
    Participant

    Why do you think she means a whole lot in the situation with me?


    Kat
    Participant

    Yes. She was the one that told his psychologist he had been abused as a child. The psychologist then used this information in his sessions…which was how my now ex ‘remembered’ what had happened.

    Secondly, he said that he found her suffocating sometimes. He said that while she tried to help and provide solutions for his life (I think due to the aspergers) he said it often made him panic more, he wanted to make decisions independently. That’s it. All of that info is what he told me on the trip last week.

    Aside from that, he’s always spoken or her warmly. He says he is closer to her than his father who also has aspergers.

    • This reply was modified 2 months, 4 weeks ago by  Kat.

    Kat
    Participant

    No of course – I haven’t shared the details of his secrets to anyone.

    Aside from that scenario, I know he had a very difficult time at school. He always felt like an outsider, I’m assuming because his aspergers made him stand out more. I have noticed, when in a group setting, how some people just didn’t ‘get’ him. He had some unusual mannerisms and sometimes people would laugh at him. But it was those quirks that made me fall in love more.

    The only other thing I know is that his mother has had a huge role in his life. She is a successful international business woman and he is constantly pushing himself to be ‘better’ in his career and every aspect of life – I reckon his might be why, he has a lot to live up to in his mind. His passion was very attractive. Not sure this means anything for this situation though!


    Kat
    Participant

    I’m glad you think I’m taking the correct path. My biggest confusion stems from how he could let me go so easily.

    I said I felt unimportant in his life. He said I enriched his life, that I was important, that I fascinated him and made him feel happy whenever we were together. So…why throw it all away for other women? And vitally: why ask me to move there? I had even been learning the language! We’d been practicing together every week.

    He had invested a lot his time and emotions in me too. Remember when I said NO, we will have no further contact, he felt that deeply. I am still the ONLY person he has told about the sexual abuse in his past. Last week, during my trip, he opened up about it even more. Perhaps I’m symbolic for him in some way.

    For me, the connection was broken the moment he mentioned the open relationship. We had spent almost a year having the most bonding, romantic moments – and now he says he is content to share me with others and would rather explore other women than our connection. I could never have done it.

    • This reply was modified 2 months, 4 weeks ago by  Kat.

    Kat
    Participant

    Hi Anita,

    Thanks for your input. No, I’m not considering the offer. I said ‘no’ immediately even when he asked me to think about it.

    I’m in love with him and I don’t want to share him. I told him I want to be exclusive and he said he can’t give me that right now.

    Also,  he has NEVER mentioned believing in polyamory since we met (he also hasn’t ever had a polyamorous R). To my mind, he has met this one woman who wants to date him and so he may want the freedom to explore that. I said that would hurt me & if he chose that path, he had to be prepared to lose me. He reiterated that he isn’t ready for me yet, that he hoped he would be soon & that when he is, he hoped we could be together but he couldn’t ask me to wait.

    Instead, I said goodbye and have gone no contact. It feels final and sad, and I’m looking for reassurance I’ve followed the right path. The worst part is feeling I’ve lost my best friend.


    Kat
    Participant

    Yes, I would appreciate your input please, Anita.


    Kat
    Participant

    Hello everyone. I wanted to come back and post an update.

    In the end, I decided being friends with him at this time isn’t for me. I didn’t start dating him to be his friend, y’know?

    So I told him how I felt, that I want us to give the romantic connection a chance, and asked if he shared my feelings or if he does indeed just want to be platonic friends. His answer? He said he shares my feelings exactly and that he wants to develop the relationship and see where it takes us. I am really pleased he wants to build the connection with me, because I think it would have been such a waste if not.

    I feel much calmer and better about things and I’m looking forward to seeing what happens, day by day. I’m also very grateful for the advice each of you have given me when I needed it.


    Kat
    Participant

    Thanks Valora!

    Yes, my impression is that he is being honest. I agree, we both really enjoy the others company – that’s why we dated in the first place. But he struggled with the more intimate closeness that comes with a relationship. Despite that, he keeps seeking me out, which tells me he’d also like to have it on some level.

    But I find it hard being with him, having all the same closeness as before but without being able to hold his hand or kiss him. Although I don’t want to speak for him, I don’t think I am alone in this. In fact there was a moment recently where he seemed to reach for my hand across the table (because it did feel like old times) and then stopped himself. This is what I find myself doing and it’s emotionally difficult. That’s why I’m beginning to explore the idea that it may be better to not be in touch at all at this juncture in our lives. He seems afraid and craving being single, but the great thing for him is that I’m still giving him a lot of the companionship we had before.

    Actually we’re both at a crossroads in our lives. He’s travelling at the moment and I’m applying for jobs in different places. He says he wants us to stay close to each other , but if it’s only ever as friends I’m not sure. On the other hand, if I ride it out and eventually start dating others, I could see myself keeping him as a valued friend. I’m afraid to make the wrong decision by cutting him off, but having in my life isn’t always easy.

    Even though rationally I recognise his reasons for not committing further is all about him – my self-esteem is suffering from the fact he doesn’t seem to want more than friendship despite the fact we were more before.

    • This reply was modified 5 months, 2 weeks ago by  Kat.

    Kat
    Participant

    Actually I think I am going to take Kkaxso’s advice. I don’t want to be friends. I am kidding myself on that front. Perhaps in the future, after time has passed, and I have met someone else, we could have and maintain some level of friendship.

    But right now I still have romantic feelings towards him. So I’ve decided to be authentic with myself by telling him. If he doesn’t feel the same, I can move on. If he does, we can develop the relationship. I know he has issues he is working through but being together feels right and I want to try. If he doesn’t, better I have my answer sooner rather than later?


    Kat
    Participant

    Yes, he told me frankly that he does not want a committed relationship because he has too many personal issues to deal with at the moment. But then he contacts me 24/7 and wants to see me all the time. He behaves in a committed way (to an extent) so what gives?

    At the moment I think either 1) I tell him that if he still does want to be together romantically, it is best we cut off the connection for now or 2) Scale the ‘friendship’ way back to being more distant. I’m not sure how to do this without telling him this is what I am doing and why.

    I’m sad because I love this person but I feel this isn’t really good for me. I feel he’s having his cake and eating it.


    Kat
    Participant

    Just wanted to come back and update – and maybe received further advice. Mark, I have been definitely been mulling your advice over.

    Since I last posted, we have grown even closer. We have been out to dinner, to see a show…basically doing the things we did together as a couple but now only as ‘friends’. He recently went on a business trip for one week, contacted me every day, multiple times a day, and asked to see me the day after his return home. We spent a great afternoon together and he asked if I’d like to see a movie with him soon. Later on, he sent me a sweet message.

    Well…I don’t know what to think?? He said he wanted to be ‘just friends’. To me, this is more than friends behaviour. Even the way he looks at me feels like more. Would really appreciate some advice.

     

    • This reply was modified 5 months, 3 weeks ago by  Kat.
    in reply to: Should I remain friends with my ex with aspergers/depression? #279773

    Kat
    Participant

    The other issue I do want to find a partner in the next couple of years if I can. If he isn’t in a place to give much to a relationship because he’s too busy trying to look after himself, is there a chance?

    In that case it would make more sense to keep him as a friend (taking the pressure off him) and date others. As you can tell I’m very confused and am seeking advice while I figure out the answer.

    • This reply was modified 7 months, 1 week ago by  Kat.
    in reply to: Should I remain friends with my ex with aspergers/depression? #279765

    Kat
    Participant

    Hi Kkasxo, thank you for your thoughtful reply. Could you bear with me & possibly reply to my next answer?

    So I have thought this myself & he even admitted that he thought getting very close to me had become too much. He actually said he felt his feelings for me ‘changed’ after opening up about the abuse. What could I do? It hurt terribly to hear that.

    But now here we are: he’s often in contact, wants to meet every week & clearly cares about me a lot. A key aspect I forgot to mention is that he is moving abroad for a period in a month. This was another aspect of breaking up, as he wasn’t sure about doing LDR & I didn’t want to date an ambivalent man.

    Now that we’re friends, he has asked if I’ll visit him & has asked if he can visit me. So what do I do? On the one hand, he is not ready to be in a relationship because he feels he needs to work through his issues first. Secondly, he was the one that wanted to be ‘friends’. So, do I have a conversation with him before he goes? If we remain friends, my feelings will probably cool and change in time. But I worry that suppressing the romantic part I still feel will mean being inauthentic to myself. At the same time losing him completely is almost too much to bear.

    • This reply was modified 7 months, 1 week ago by  Kat.

    Kat
    Participant

    Thanks Mark. I don’t have ‘romantic aspirations’ in the sense that I don’t want to be in a serious LTR with him at the moment. His on-going issues linked to depression and anxiety became difficult to manage (I had to see a counsellor myself to deal with the heaviness of it) and I realised that, as sad as it sounds, I would like a life partner that is in a healthier place if possible. Don’t get me wrong, many of us have things to work through, but this was serious & out of my hands.

    But – we were very close and intimate and that doesn’t stop me from still having loving feelings towards him every so often. He called me tonight to see how I am as I’ve had an unusually horrible week – and I almost said I think we should shelve the friendship for now but then I didn’t! Precisely because I’m afraid to lose him altogether.


    Kat
    Participant

    The other thing I forget to mention was that about 2 months into this relationship, I was in a meditation session when out of nowhere a voice said ‘You should just be friends’. I was super annoyed about it at the time because I was in the throes of romance, but now I wonder about it…

    Would appreciate some thoughts anyway. 🙂

Viewing 15 posts - 1 through 15 (of 15 total)