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I feel totally lost. I miss my friends and my home. Talk to me?

HomeForumsTough TimesI feel totally lost. I miss my friends and my home. Talk to me?

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This topic contains 6 replies, has 4 voices, and was last updated by  Peggy 2 months ago.

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  • #316985

    Kat
    Participant

    I’m 27 years old & have done a lot in life so far. I’m a writer & have had stories/articles published. I’ve got a journalism degree. I moved abroad to Spain (from the UK) five years ago to teach English.

    It was going well in Spain job-wise until the company I’d been with stopped paying everyone. It screwed up the first 6 months of this year, as I spent the whole time worrying about making rent/buying food. Aside from the financial misery, I was generally happy. I had great friends & was part of some great creative & hiking communities that made me happy.

    Last year I also applied to do a masters at a university in the UK. I had to be selective about which interviews I accepted as it was hard to get time off work to fly back to UK. As it turns out, the unis I wanted rejected me & by that time it was too late to accept the other choices. I think that’s when I started feeling really low.

    I had a breakdown in June & came back to the UK to recover. I’ve been unemployed for 3 months although I’ve recently had 3 interviews. I had a second interview for a job I felt good about last week but it’s been 3 days and I’ve heard nothing. So now I’m back in my hometown & I have to get surgery in 2-3 months. My grandmother is dying in hospital & my family is a wreck trying to cope. Plus my mother says I need to sort my life out before ‘everything will pass you by.’ I spend my time missing my life in Spain & feeling bitterly lonely because I miss it so much. I spend a day a week crying as though I’m suffering a bereavement. There are times I feel life isn’t worth living. I am half way through writing a novel, which is one small achievement.

    But otherwise, I am struggling. Any words of wisdom?

    • This topic was modified 2 months ago by  Kat.
    #316997

    anita
    Participant

    Dear Kat:

    Welcome back. The surgery you have in 2-3 months- what kind of surgery is it, if I may ask?

    You “came back to the UK to recover.. back in my hometown.. my family is a wreck.. missing my life in Spain & feeling bitterly lonely”-  reads like you need to recover from your life at home, in your hometown. Maybe Spain was such a wonderful experience for you because it was not home.

    Home is often not what we wish it to be. Is it?

    anita

    #317011

    Kat
    Participant

    Thanks Anita. Nice to hear from you again.

    The surgery…I don’t want to go into it. It’s not life threatening, but necessary. I will need 1-2 weeks to recover and I am a bit scared to be honest.

    I left my hometown as soon as I could. I love my family but it’s a soulless place. For me, Spain IS home. It is my spiritual home. When I get off the aeroplane in Spain, my whole body relaxes and I just think ‘ahh…I’m home’. Whereas when I visit the UK I feel more like ‘ah it’s nice to visit for a while!’

    My life in Spain was not perfect. The main problem was the financial issue which I need to try and rectify by getting a better qualification in the UK which carries over to Spain. I am basically looking at having to stay in the UK for two years, without my friends and the communities I have spent time building abroad – I find that very, very hard to come to terms with. And yet I know I can’t go anywhere until my financial prospects improve and I recover from surgery.

    I don’t want to say goodbye to my old life.

    #317021

    anita
    Participant

    Dear Kat:

    You are welcome. Good to read from you as well.

    Spain is definitely your home. I wish you could be there earlier than two years. The surgery, I understand you being scared even though it is not life threatening.

    Please type away anything you want to share (maybe, what things about Spain do you like so much, what makes you feel like home there?) and I will read and reply when I am fresh tomorrow morning, which is in about 12 hours from now.

    anita

     

    • This reply was modified 2 months ago by  anita.
    #317133

    anita
    Participant

    Dear Kat:

    I went back to read your previous threads, thinking it may help- it is an opportunity, when we look back at our lives, to learn from past experience so to proceed to make better choices and live a better life. I don’t know if I will come across such an opportunity as I proceed with this post, but we’ll see.

    December 2014, you were about 22 at that time, you shared that a year before (at 21) you were “in a loving long term relationship” with “big plans to move abroad together”. He broke up with you “without warning” and you were devastated. A week later he wanted to get back together but you refused. You then moved abroad alone, to Spain, , got a “great friend group” there and met a nice guy who wasn’t ready for a committed, monogamous relationship, and that was a problem because the two of you were “monogamous relationship types of people”.

    A year later, December 2015, you were about 23, you wrote about a male friend you had for ten years, mostly long distance, since you were about 13. He helped you with the ending of your long term relationship 2013-14, and you “developed feelings for him”. even though he was very attentive to you, has told you in the past that he was attracted to you “physically  and mentally”, and was unhappy with his then troubled relationship of two years with another woman, he rejected your romantic interest in him and said that his relationship with “was platonic only”. You felt crushed and took it very hard, you wrote that it affected your self esteem negatively.

    February- April 2019, three years later, about 26 at the time, you wrote about a guy you dated for three months, a guy with whom you “connected deeply &.. felt closer to him than” to your ex boyfriend.

    This man “really struggled with the intimate side of the relationship”, told you that he has Asperger’s, and that he suffered from depression and anxiety. He broke up with you as a boyfriend and asked to be your friend. You agreed and he proceeded to be an attentive, caring friend, but you missed the intimate part of the relationship and struggled, “still having loving feelings toward him every so often.

    “A part of me feels.. like I’m not good enough”, you wrote. You wanted to end the friendship but you were afraid to lose him completely, something that was “almost too much to bear”. At one point you told him that you wanted the two of you “to give the romantic connection a chance”, and he agreed.

    “I feel much calmer and better about things and I’m looking forward to seeing what happens, day by day”, you wrote.

    June 2019, two months later, you shared that you were considering moving to where this man was living, a new country. You’ve been “learning the language.. practicing (it) together every week”, and you booked a trip to visit him there “with the notion that I would be exploring his city to see if I could envision living there”.  What happened next is that you visited him, the two of  you were romantically and physically intimate during the visit, but soon he told you: “this is getting too serious. I’m not ready. I just want ‘casual'”, and he asked you for an open relationship, telling you that he has already been in a date with another woman. You refused the offer, “said goodbye and have gone no contact”.

    October 2019, a few months later (at 27), you shared that you left Spain for financial reasons in June (the time of your last thread), “came back to the UK to recover”, to your hometown (“a soulless place”), been unemployed for three months, had 3 interviews, your “family is a wreck trying to cope” with the fact that your grandmother is dying in a hospital, and your mother tells you that you “need to sort my life out before ‘everything will pass you by'”.

    You miss your life in Spain and “feeling bitterly lonely.. crying as though I’m suffering a bereavement… feel life isn’t worth living”. You are a writer, half way through a novel.

    My thoughts: this “soulless place”, your family, your hometown is clearly depressing to you. There is a long history of lack of bonding there, lack of intimate connection with family and strangers alike, in this soulless place.

    In the context of your friend/ romantic relationships with men, seems to me, generally, that you viewed the connection as more intimate than they actually were, viewed the men as more loving than they actually were,  because of the vacuum that was your growing up experience at home. In comparison to that vacuum, that emptiness, that lack- a little intimacy felt like a whole lot, in comparison.

    I wonder if this input from me can possibly be of any help to you.

    anita

    • This reply was modified 2 months ago by  anita.
    #317189

    Inky
    Participant

    Hi Kat,

    It sounds like your family is Pre-Grieving the immanent death of your grandmother. So your mother has no time or bandwidth to emotionally or physically take care of you. Thus the getting your life together comment. What, does she expect you to be married with a career by now? For everything to be “fine”?

    It also looks like you had quite a few missed connections in Spain. Keep in mind that people romanticize the past! Was it really your spiritual home? Or was it the bittersweet emotions of all those guys? Be honest with yourself.

    Don’t be surprised to find that after you meet those qualifications you will have outgrown Spain.

    Sorry to be a Debbie Downer.

    This reminds me of me and Vermont! Oh, Vermont! Oh, driving all that way from Maine to see my first love who was so not worthy of me! Now it’s merely a great place to ski. (Some winters.)

    Best,

    Inky

    • This reply was modified 2 months ago by  Inky.
    #317281

    Peggy
    Participant

    Hi Kat,

    Perhaps if you began recreating some of the things that you had in Spain you would be feeling the loss less severely.  There are several rambling associations in England that you could join and there are also opportunities to teach English in England.  There are spiritual organizations in every town.  There are also friendship organizations.  Book Clubs are springing up all over the place.  There are college courses on all manner of subjects that you could enrol for.  It’s all there if you look for it.

    You say that you had a breakdown in June and came back to the UK to recover.  Are you seeing a Doctor or Psychiatrist?  Have you been prescribed medication?  Did you come back to be with your family during this time or did you stay elsewhere initially?

    I’m sorry to hear that your grandmother is sick and also that you need surgery which is causing you angst.  Perhaps when this is out of the way, you will be able to move forward in a more positive frame of mind.

    You don’t need to say goodbye to your old life, you just need to recognize that something will have changed when you go back.    You can just see this is a temporary separation whilst you improve your job prospects or whilst you finish your novel and become a bestseller.  The best advice I can give to you is to stay busy and focus on your on-going achievements instead of any perceived failures from the past.

    With best wishes

    Peggy

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