Hi Anita,

I feel like I am having trouble getting out of this friendship. I keep my distance and she pulls me back in with nice messages. Yesterday she asked me to hangout, then ignored me all day. I asked her what happened and she said her friend had an emergency. Today I saw her and she accidentally told me she was actually out with my ex’s friends. And how she regrets reporting them with me because “they’re sweet people”. It’s like I fall into her trap because I cannot be as open with my family and she didn’t like when I had other friends, so I just was with her all the time. Now when I need to talk to someone I don’t know who to go to so I go back when I know she is an abusive friend. I don’t even like being around her or talking to her I just feel like I have no one else. I have blocked her because I know I don’t want this life and it holds me back from finding what I do what. I have just written a list of many things she’s done that have hurt me (I was shocked at how long it was) to read if I somehow get more messages from her trying to pull me back in. I feel as though the other relationships in my life, no one completely understands me. Have you ever felt this way? Do you have any advice?

Hi Anita,

I had a court trial for my ex today. I had so much anxiety and nerves and pain on my way to court alone, it literally felt like I was going to die. This “friend” of mine did not wake up on time, caused me to be late, brought a knife into court which made me even more late. I was so anxious when my ex and his family walked into the room. Even though my sister was there with me I felt so alone and like no one could understand. They asked for a jury trial, which is about the fifth time they’ve postponed  something. Now I have to go to a higher court in a few months and live this all over again. I feel like no one will believe me. I feel like I won’t have justice. And I feel like I don’t even like myself, no one checked on me or talked about anything with me. I just feel like I can’t even have sympathy for myself I feel like I’m in the wrong

Recently my anger has cooled. I feel pretty numb now though, I think my anger is really pain for all the times I’ve been hurt. I have a lot of empathy for these people who seem to not have it for me. It’s like no matter what I do I can’t get them to care about me. It makes me cry when I hear my mom crying in her room because her boyfriend is not always nice to her. I feel like I need to make her happy and help her. Yet she allowed so much abuse to happen in my childhood that I would beg her to do something about because I had no control. It’s like I cannot see her in a bad light, but she has no problem with knowing I’m hurting or treated me unfairly. I’ve felt worthless my whole life, my family has always made me feel like there is something wrong with me. I feel like I need to take a break from them and find my own support but I feel so deeply that I am not good enough for anyone and settled for a few abusive relationships – I thought I was lucky that they “loved me”. I guess I thought that was the best I could get – abuse

I just feel like I can’t do this sometimes. It’s like the world is against me. I give my everything to people just to get taken advantage of and thrown away

I was scared typing that out that no one would understand. No one will understand why I miss it and even I know I am replaying memories that will not come back. Thank you for understanding. I need to work on accepting that I can see her for who she really is now which I know one day I’ll be thankful for. It’s confusing to have the closest friend I’ve ever had turn out to be this way. I really thought we’d stick together through everything – we got matching tattoos a year ago. A year ago I would not have imagined feeling this way. but I know it’s time to grow on my own and appreciate new friendships for what they are instead of missing something I used to have. It was like my whole world just turned upside down this year when ex was arrested, i moved back home and no longer felt support from this friend either. I didn’t know who I was or who to go to and or what to do at all. But at the same time i think I have a chance for a beautiful transformation in finding myself and what I want in life now. for the first time I can find what makes ME happy and who I am

For example, she lied to me saying she was in another state when she was supposed to go to court with me. I asked her about this and she acts like she has no idea what I’m talking about in person but later on in texts apologizes yet the next court date, told me she couldn’t go because she needed to get a tattoo. When she is dating someone, she ignored me when I was suicidal and reached out for help. Didn’t hear from her except when she needed something. i told her how it makes me feel, she cussed me out over text. Yet when she breaks up she tells me how much she needs me, apologizes and wants me to live with her again. It’s like I am just here when she is bored or depressed she LOVES me, and I fall for it every time. She invited me to a concert recently, which I was not planning on going to. Last minute I agreed to go. She ignored me and turned away from me to talk with other friends and exclude me. She mocked me and avoided me when I knew no one else there. I thought “why did she beg me to come if she wanted to treat me like this? I made some new friends, holding back tears the whole night. The second I walked away from them, she yelled at them without reason. She always talked shit about my friends and family, even when I would tell her they have not done anything to me and I care about them. Lately I do not even enjoy being around her anymore. When she says nice things about me, I think of how many times I’ve cried the past couple years because she’s done a lot of other mean things to me, stolen, dishonest, disrespectful of my things, did nothing and partied when I OD’d. I think, “how can she say these nice things to me but treat me like this?” She never even validated my feelings when it was really hard to bring up how I felt. I want to let go. But I know I will have to get through this loneliness and depression and find my own way, but I do want to do it. I will be better for it and happier with new people. I have an appointment with a psychiatrist coming up. Therapy and being able to talk to those few people I know will validate my feelings is getting me through, my family and friends never did this. My family is better now, but I know I need more connection then them, especially because they sometimes fall into the same patterns again. I will try to post here and talk instead of going back to this friend when I feel lonely and confused. I talked a lot about her with my therapist, sharing more of the past years with her and she was concerned and said she seems abusive

My parents, they didn’t necessarily teach me I had to be happy they just made me feel like a bad kid for having any other feelings or just didn’t acknowledge them at all. they hide their own feelings from  I felt so alone and confused. Now I dont believe anyone would be interested in being around me or talking to me when I’ve been so depressed