Dear anita,

This week I was busy with the deadline for my thesis application, and still needed to discuss things with my advisor and prepare a new framework for my thesis. That did take up much of energy.

However, replying to two individuals at the same time with topics that are lengthy is overwhelming, but it has given me helpful insights. Thank you for your thoughtfulness though. I do want to reply to your and TeaK’s replies.

Still, it would be kind of you, if you could reply after I have replied to TeaK as well. Also, I have finished your reply, but given that it did take much of my energy I have to go over it again later in the day to check whether it is comprehensible.

Kibou

• This reply was modified 3 years, 6 months ago by Kibou.
• This reply was modified 3 years, 6 months ago by Kibou.

Dear Anita,

Thanks for the two replies and I think I understand what you said in the first reply.

I can not fully reply.

It is true that I have anger in me.

I am angry and I am sad right now.

The more I thought about it, the more sadness I had, my anger increased as well.

It is in my head, and it got bigger in my head.

But I can not write down what I thought.

I know that anger hurts people.

I know that anger distances people.

I remember how my mum cried when I was angry at her for not letting me play before completing my homework first in grade one.

I remember how I felt bad for having hurt her. I was at first stubborn and isolated myself. Our family wanted me to apologize to my mum first before I go outside.

It was unfair. I wanted to play and not do the homework first, I could have done it afterward. Why would I have to apologize to such non sense.

But I also was sad and angry at myself for making my mum cry. The thought came up again.

I apologized and cried when apologizing because I had hurt my mom.

I am angry at the amount of lies that exist in the world.

1. People want fairness but we are not fair. So many times have I been treated unfair because of being different; different skin color, different likes, different ideas, different background.

2. People want authenticity but only to their liking.

3. People say you should be yourself, but if you are yourself and it is not to people’s liking than that is a lie.

4. People say they want kindness but are skeptical of it.

5. There are so many things that contradict each other so there is no right or wrong, but people say something is right or wrong.

6. Working is fun or full-filling, that is a lie. Most people I have met so far are sad or angry when they come back from work. There are two exceptions. I met one man once who was always happy. He was the first to notice my sadness in Cuba. When I was ready to talk to him I soon found out he died of cancer. He was a really happy man. I wish I could live life as happy and to it’s fullest as he did.

I hate to admit it and but I am smart and people are jealous of smart people – that is unfair. I feel lonley for being smart.

I feel lonely for being so open-minded and I am mad when people are not trying to be open-minded. At the same time we want to be accepted for who we are, that itself is kind of a lie or hypocrasy.

What I am most sad and angry about is that I want someone to make me their first priority. But I would dislike myself if anyone were to lose themselves by putting me first before they do their own.  Yes the inner child is not fully wound.  And I know a child would not speak this way; there are words and expressions a child would not say, but it is as much I can do for now. I guess a child would say, “I am sad and angry because no one truly cares about me.”

I just had to think of memory; when I was a teenager I asked my mom whether my mom only loves me because I am her child. If I had been swapped by birth, would she have not loved her swapped child as she did to me and if she did not know I was her true child she would not love me unconditionally? My mum went silent. But many people go silent when I question something that people probably do not want to think about. I am good at discussions, debates, presentations. I do not like being good at discussions or debates. I can get the audience to explode in laughter or to go silent. I prefer the former, but the latter has a lesson to be learned. I know the silence cannot be because my presentation was boring or bad since I get very good grades on it. A professor at uni once told me that she found my presentation amazing but I have to be careful how I address humanity’s role in such “difficult” topics. I was presenting about forest set on flames in Indonesia because of actions caused by humans. I knew she was right and could already get a hunch that she would say that when she said “but…” I recognize such silence in an instance.

Sometimes it is silence created because I thoroughly looked at both sides of an argument. During my year abroad I took part at the northeast Asian student round table club because I wanted to improve my Japanese; the club activities were held in Japanese, but the conference was held in English. I was in the LGBTQ community; we were randomly selected into the communities. I was happy to be drawn into that one though because it was a topic that it is more positive and friendly to discuss at an international university and the more international community – people mostly say they are pro LGBTQ rights in North-East Asia (even if that is not truly the case; they do not want to stick out from what the mainstream say though). The other topics had a higher risk of causing heated discussions. Environment protection and something about security and America’s role in security for northeast Asian countries. The last topic I found boring to research; cultural preservation. I am getting off-topic. But it calmed me down ranting about other topics.

This time, I did not spell-check. I am tired and my eyes are slightly burning, but I want to add the rest of the reply.

These friends did not see my face, apart from the videos/pictures I have sent them. They loved my smile. People called out on my radiant smile. In the groups that I was in for the platform development, at first, my smile was not radiant, but they did not say, they said they sensed sadness and depression. As the groups continued they would say my smile getting more radiant and at the end said I showed the biggest cheer up and commitment. In other workshops, the person offering the workshop said he loved my smile and that I am so bright, then again I did these workshops in March/April. When I walk on the streets and I send people a smile on the street they smile back. It feels genuine, so I would have a hard time believing my smile gives away hidden anger, and to be honest, I took a picture of me smiling. When I look at it, I have to smile too.  If anything, then my anger probably shows through my writing, as you saw it, Anita. Does that make sense?

I hope I did not hurt anyone. Thanks for allowing me to express myself, even if it is not always direct. I will try again at the writing like a child another time. I do think, it is a good exercise.

Kibou

Dear TeaK,

Yes, Japan was definitely a time where I felt connected, not all the time, but for most of the time. This probably made it such a great experience and the distance of friendships made originally in Japan, so sad. I even cried upon returning back to my home country, despite my little cousin happily rushing towards me at the airport.

The popularity part is not accurate. Popularity was kind of “strange” in the international school in Cuba. I might not have been in the “social inner ranks”, but I still knew everyone and they knew me because I participated in many activities. I was known as a great basketball player (the only girl playing with the guys at an early age), fun to be within many other sports activities, the manga girl, in academics I helped many people, I was open to meet new people and I did share many laughs with several people. Several social inner rank people trusted me with what is on their hearts. In fact, many people did that, including strangers. Although this is something I have been experiencing since I was very young.

It was a small school. I loved the bonding trips and class trips because there, whatever “popularity” was going on, did not matter; we were pretty much close with each other in my eyes. Maybe because of the absurd housing and weather conditions we put up with and joining creative forces to make the best of the situation.

The school in Cuba is the only place, which I would say that school is family, despite everything I went through. It could also be due to the fact that I am aware that families do not imply necessarily being happy and functional all time. I mean my family is a bit broken itself, there is a sense that you have each other backs… given one has the energy and mental space.

So, although many people trusted me I did not trust others, especially because these people come to me saying they cannot trust this information with other people. But the lack of trust must have been ingrained in my subconscious probably already earlier.

There is some truth to your words, “Perhaps you wanted to be more approachable and more similar to them if you drop your performance.”

When I entered a university in my home country, I was happy to not be at the top. I was having a hard time with my mother tongue. I am fluent, but for academic purposes, I truly prefer English and find it a lot easier, given since grade 3 up to grade 12 my courses were taught in English; I went to international schools. I thought, now I would be like everybody else, but that was completely wrong. This is the place where I learned what it is like to be of my skin color in my home country and that people here were a lot less open-minded. It was kind of understandable given that most never lived abroad or have much international background. After the year abroad, I did see more changes towards more open-mindedness, at least in my eyes.

Yes, at that school-age I was already rationalizing.

It got me thinking a lot when you brought that up. I was thinking about when I actually started rationalizing and where I got that from.

I identify with being an empath, and definitively as a highly sensitive person. I have clear memories starting from the age of 2, which left even my family members wondering how I am able to remember such things. The earliest memory is me comforting my mother; she was crying and sitting on the kitchen step. I got to see “those tears” again in Cuba. This is when I told her that I remember her crying like this; as if it was the same problem back then when I was 2 years old. I described the scene to her and she was astounded how I was able to remember such a thing.

Then there is also the thing about people sharing what is one their heart to me since a young age. I would also get to hear stories from both sides, or hear the story from a friend and see what it is like in their family. I also would remember certain reactions from others by things I said or others have said. For example, in grade one, my closest female friend did not want to talk about the show we both liked in front of others. I found it strange the look she gave me until she later explained she was embarrassed by it.

I have several things that I notice or pick up and seem to store in my mind. Although I find that I have many memories, I cannot locate the exact first time I was rationalizing or which words or situations taught me to do that. The only thing I am very sure of is that from very early on I learned there is always a story behind someone’s actions.

Around middle school is when I started saying to myself, it is like if I feel people’s feelings (those that were close to me). I was a great supporter and cheered up many people. It isn’t after like last year that I actually heard about highly sensitive people and empaths. In fact, my dad recommended me a site that I should read and say whether I resonate.

I have learned quite a lot about energy, empath, sensitivities in the last year from books, blogs, people, etc.

I think that is why I had problems back in school self claiming my pain as actual real pain on an emotional level; I was rationalizing too much. I have repressed emotions and I have been in denial. I easily blamed myself instead of others. I tried to please, but not to the point where I would do anything. I was high on fairness and justice, tried to stick to all rules given. I simply wanted to keep the peace and make sure everyone is happy. Fights did not make much sense, because I would notice that people cared about each other; I either felt it or heard both sides of the story. I want to note, I already felt so before coming across the terminology listed above.

I hope it is making sense to what I am saying.

Anyway, this week I thought about whether I was rationalizing again some of my emotions. Probably yes, I was doing some rationalizing.

I would also like to talk about the new activity that I have been engaged in. It is reading webtoons, which is like reading manga.  There are top comments written by people who read the webtoon. The comments about the webtoon being the only thing that people look forward to each week, sparked curiosity.

That notion, plus thinking about rationalizing and wondering why I used to like the manga so much brought me one day to an epiphany. I was coming back from groceries that day. When I was thinking about my experiences in Cuba, I suddenly called it home. I was near tears and found it a bit hard to grasp what I just told myself. I once had such thought earlier on in March, but disregarded it. However, this time I clearly called it home several times. Soon after, it hit me that Japan was my escape; technically mangas and animes were my escape and I think, it extended to the interest of Japan. Then I partially called home also my experiences in Japan, and even Germany, my birth country.

The reason, why this is so big, is because I used to say I am (emotionally) homeless. That changed to there are parts of me to every place I’ve been to after some healing. But now, I actually can say “home.” Already in the first paragraph in this reply, I said “home country” instead of birth country.

I started feeling extremely grateful for every person I met in my life, every single one of them. I also felt like I understood support a lot better than I used to. That right now I am being supported every step of the way, even if there is no one here. I smile a lot; there are tears sometimes, but they are “sweet tears.”

I do not know how it all comes down to this, or what exactly happened, but I feel really peaceful at the moment.

I got into my thesis, and the idea was interesting according to my advisor. I plotted down short story ideas and am starting to share more of my writings. I also came up with an account name for where my short stories will be released.

Something big shifted again, and I do think reading your replies on this site helped in the process.

And yes, I do express anger in short quick bursts, like kicking in the air or put it into sports. Maybe there is still some healing to do on that wound; I do not know, but with what happened this week I am very content with the outcomes and state of mind I have taken on.

Kibou

Dear Anita and TeaK

Thank you for your replies. I’ll reply on the weekend.

Kibou

Dear TeaK and Anita

Thanks for your replies and kind words.

My passion for Japan sparked at roughly the age of 5 when watching anime. I learned to draw manga from my cousin, then read manga and included manga/anime in as many school projects as possible. I’ve made a Japanese friend at the beginning of middle school during my time in Cuba, and there came the introduction of Japanese food and the culture. So my passion for the Japanese culture/language and Japan, in general, has grown since I was a kid. These moments were shared with people dear to me, which with all I grew more apart with my constant moving and lack of communication.

I started learning the Japanese language in order to understand anime in Japanese without subtitles, and in the hope to read Japanese mangas. When I became friends with the Japanese friend I’d hope to speak with her in Japanese one day. I guess these were my motivations and I did accomplish these things. As to why they made me happy I can’t fully explain because I do not know. I liked manga and anime; the fantasy worlds created and getting lost in them.

As for my nomadic lifestyle, I moved with my parents and as an individual a lot. It wasn’t until I began uni that I moved without my parents. I’ve lived in several different cities in my birth country and lived for 7 years in Cuba, 1 year in Japan, and my family (parents and siblings) currently live in Indonesia for a couple of years, where I have visited them twice. As a family, we moved a lot due to my dad’s work (and they still move a lot); we also traveled a lot to different countries. However, my parent’s life has always included moving and traveling since they were children. Staying put in one place seems odder to me than moving constantly. This is my 6 months in the same location. The last time I have been to one location only was 20 years ago. I am 23, that being said I am aware of how I view the world, and how relationships come and go might not be so common (at least not in my environment of people that I know; the people that share the closest understanding of constant moving are diplomat children, which were many of the people at school during my time in Cuba).

In terms of friendships and staying in touch, I am always on the side that writes last or has been ghosted. I though at first that is just part of life, and you make new friends, when I return back to my birth country/city my friends and I would be fine and we’d hang out again. However, on my return/vistis back to my birth country I’ve experienced the opposite. I had people pretend they did know me, or avoided me or neglect me upon returning; that is one of the things that left scars behind. This was especially hard when returning back to the same school I went to in grade 3. It had been 7 years (my time in Cuba), because instead of just being some individuals, I faced a whole class of previous friends, especially during a time where I really was looking forward to some familiar faces again. I did say I’d return always to that school, it just turned out to be 4 years later than originally planned. Now I have found a stories for each drifting apart and value for each friendship I made. It still hurts those kind of experiences but those scars have healed if that makes sense.

In regard to my why’s, many of my why’s turned out to be the want of my dad’s approval of him being proud of me. I did talk about that with my dad, and last year I finally heard the words how incredibly proud he is off me; my dad is not the one give praise freely and talk about emotions. Furthermore there was lots of comparing to others, depsite me being already often class best and excelling at many things. It’s a longer story, but since I worked through it I do not feel the need to explain more. My mum said a couple of times that we have to prove ourselves, due to our skin color. Some other expectations come from peers; when excelling at things, it is harder to keep up the good work. I used to not mind if I were to drop my performance, but after laughter, jealousy and pressure received from peers it did feel very hard to slack off. I never blamed anyone for their behaviour, since I knew where they were coming from (many people share what’s on their heart with me and I do ask sometimes for clarification.) How to express I am hurting from other’s behaviour, while knowing their story has been hard for me; they are not bad people, they are hurt people who are more prone to hurt others and need time and healing themselves to change not so pleasant behaviour.

Other why’s where to get back some control, like my weight or getting good grades; these things are at least in my control. Some of my life experiences include several things which are out of my control, like the time my mum got unwell and I took over many responsibilites, fleeing, loss of pets, or trying to be as strong as possible as elder’s trauma arises as they kept in many of their pain inside. These things came especially at wrong timing because before all the responsibilites I was suddenly holding, I was already depressed with suicidal thoughts. I never really got a chance to process one thing, as it felt constantly the next thing was thrown unto me. All these things don’t really matter; it’s a lot and did lot of that work with my counselor. And I went through each single “story” and talking with people and sharing how I felt or to clear the situations. I now accept these events and am proud for the resilience they gave me.

Anita, I understand that you are floating in the air, since I am speaking mostly about feelings. The summary was also very good. I think I really just needed someone to share my feelings. I tend to understand and empathise with others and logically understand how others weren’t possible to be emotionally there for me. So I dealt with many things on my own mostly, especially my emotions. It was unhealthy at first, since I repressed and denied many of them to get me through everything. So when I did start sharing with other, all my emotions and feelings were bursting out, which is all you mostly heard from me so far. It is hard to give all the information, because I was dealing with several things which mostly covered over 10 years of my life.

I needed someone to be there for me, and this time I was very willing to share my feelings and everything; I was ready, yet I found that my most trusted friend weren’t there for me – once again a very familiar situation for me. Hence why I mentioned those friends and why the hurt is still sometimes there; they are the ones I trusted first again and knew some of my past. While going through a time of healing through traumatic event and reliving it, that was like a dagger in my heart. Not only was I reliving events in my mind, but some again in real life. I might be strong, but even I have limits to how much pain I can hold.

During the darkest time of last year, I wished there was somebody who would put me first, who would prioritize my needs first, but at the same time I knew that is not love (not meant in a romantic way).

The quote “Only the broken will offer a piece of their soul to you, for they know, what it feels like being shattered into pieces” resonated a lot to me. There is a man with many puzzle pieces missing inside of him, giving a puzzle piece to another man, who only has one puzzle piece missing. I resonated with the man with many puzzle pieces missing inside of him. However, I knew that was not good; if you have many holes in you sole due to pain and scars endured, then you are giving from an empty place. The circle of giving and recieving love is disrupted, it is not flowing properly. Yet when you give from a place of abundance then it flows naturally. After the last theta healing session I did, I finally saw how I and my inner child were starting to paint in the holes. This was the image I was creating in my head.

This is a bit far fetched and I hope you all can follow; there are many holes that deal with the scars of abandonment. Although I am painting them in, I sometime find another hole or some of paint is not “thick enough” to fully get rid of the traces that there was a hole. Those moments hurt, but I know I am on the right track and it will take time. Sometimes, I have to get more paint (use some of the coping skills I’ve learned).

I know from experience, that sharing my feelings with someone else helps me, especially if they have something to say back. It reminds me to look back at my strengths or accomplishment, because I still lack to do so on my own sometimes, even when I journal. It helps me see a different perspective again, in case I might be hitting back into a more gloomy perspective.Also, it is a lot easier when the person has some former record fo what I have being feeling or going through. I’ve noticed that the tinybuddha forums use past records when replying to a thread, so maybe that is why I chose to share my feelings here.

It did help sharing and releasing those feelings. I have found one activity, where I lose myself in; somewhere where I feel fully engaged and excited to keep going.

I hope my reply was not too disorganized, but I did not really know how to organize this reply. Honestly speaking, some of the things I wrote in this reply, were simply done because of the things inquired in your replies. I do not mind sharing, but I also do not know as to how they matter to have been mentioned.

Kibou

Dear Anita,

thank you for your advice.

I will follow the advice and definitely try to adopt a non-attachment attitude to falling asleep.

Shannon