Shelby & Michelle,

Thank you both for your kind words, honestly, in a time like this every tiny detail makes the biggest difference.

Now rationally I would like to believe that I’ll get through it and that the only way is up and the lot, on a normal day that proves difficult, on a day like this it is impossible.

Shelby, you asked what happens during my spiral. Let’s start at the beginning. The first ‘spiral’ I have ever experienced was days after my trauma. I wasn’t okay, I was in complete shut down mode but I was surviving, as we do and literally within minutes I went from staring blankly at the TV screen (myself and two of my friends were watching a movie) to being in absolute hysterics, crying in complete panic. The feelings of I am stuck, I don’t deserve anything good to ever happen to me, what has happened to my life, who am I, what have I ever possibly done to deserve any of this, why does this hurt so bad, why is this happening to me suddenly taking over my whole body like a whirlwind. I have no answers, all I am aware of in that moment is the lack of answers, the intensity of the pain felt and the extreme need to escape, by any means necessary – each time leading to me resulting to the conclusion that the only way through it is to die, that is the only way I will not feel this pain anymore. Prior to my trauma I have never experienced any mental health issues, depression let alone suicidal thoughts to the first time this happened to me I was so terrified, I didn’t feel safe even around my own self, how could I be capable of even thinking those thoughts?! Am I actually capable of doing ‘the deed’?! Since then, I’ve had probably about 5/6 more of these, last one being in October, with that I really thought I was making progress – foolish me!

Although I can never really pinpoint how I get myself in such a state or what triggers it each and every one of my moments so far was always based on my trauma and the difficulty of having to live the rest of my life carrying the weight of it. However last night I felt was different, I remember thinking ‘the only way to get away from this man is to die.. that is the only way I’ll ever be able to live without him’. That’s messed up. Now he really is not a terrible person at all and I don’t think neither him or I ever expected for the events to effect me in this way but my mental health at the moment is clearly so deteriorated that I literally cannot cope with much at all. The anxiety around the whole separation situation with him, whilst rationally wanting to get away has probably played a part in last night’s spiral. I’m so up and down right now I can’t understand myself or how I can possibly help myself. I wonder how I went from a completely functioning young woman to someone who is clearly suffering with mental health in an extreme way – how did this happen to me?! I actually feel like I sound like a crazy lady at times.

I remember the analogy about the thorn.. I thought therapy would help with pulling that thorn out, exploring every aspect around the trauma, feeling all those feelings and learning to deal with them but this spiral has just proven that perhaps it’s not working as well as I thought. That just goes back to the idea of time, I hope & pray that by 30 I will be okay. That I would have learnt how to live a content life post trauma but it seems so unrealistic. I realise it has only been 8 months so in hindsight it isn’t a long time considering I had to practically start my life all over again, but it is still a long time to be suffering and trying my hardest to get by and just when you think you’ve taken one step forward you are presented with the worst, the spiral. It is so disheartening and gives me no hope for the future.

Michelle, it is interesting you mention trying to be compassionate to myself as though I was looking after another in my situation. When I look at it that way I think you are doing so well, you have no idea just how well you really are doing taking into consideration what you have been through, you are completely entitled to feel at the lowest of the low right now and it is okay. But when I try to tell myself it doesn’t apply..

My friend who normally sits with me through these moments lives pretty far, so I’m afraid no can do there. In any case, I think I prefer to shut myself out anyway in these moments and just be alone – when I’m coming down from my spiral that is. When it’s ongoing although I prefer to be alone I realise it is not a good choice, just in case.

I keep telling myself I am strong, I really really do but I am just running out of strong at the moment. I am so tired of fighting this endless battle on my own and being no better off at all. I feel I will not have the energy to continue my life in this way for the rest of my days.

Morning ladies,

I hope you’re both feeling a bit better this morning.

I myself had one hell of a night, unfortunately I ended up spiralling last night, something that hasn’t happened now since October so it scared the hell out of me once again and brought to my attention just how real these moments are and that they do indeed just wait around the corner. I thought I was making progress until I found myself back in that terrifying place. It just confirmed my thoughts on the need for my ex and the fact that I may have outgrown the relationship itself, but I still need the connection just in case of the dark times. My ex rushed to my rescue and I was grateful for this as I was all alone and spiralling terribly. God, I honestly hate every second of this. I wonder how I have become this person honestly. It is beyond me or my understanding. I used to be so normal… and now I have literally hit rock bottom.

Victoria – it is natural that you worry about your ex, you may not want to be with him right now but you still care. But you just have to trust that he’s wise enough to look after himself when you are not around, which I am sure he’s doing. Are you seeking help now after your trauma? Do you think exploring more of your trauma on here will help gain some insight into your anxiety? No pressure at all, feel free to share as little or as much as you are comfortable with. I am assuming that your problems too began following a traumatic event?

Shelby,

Back to feeling meh eh?! Makes two of us! You’re so good though still trying to rationally tell yourself that Martha or your feelings will not get you down.

I literally cannot see any of those positive things in myself anymore. I have victimised myself completely in my eyes and I do not like one bit of it. I want to be this strong, level-headed woman that I make out to be but I just am not, I am not that person right now. I want to rationally get it in my head that I am worthy, amazing, incredible and the lot but I just do not believe it at this point. I don’t know how to help myself anymore because anything I do just isn’t working. We don’t have contact, i’m unhappy, we have contact, i’m unhappy. Anything I do I am unhappy. Literally wish I could just erase him and anything related to him out of my mind.

I actually said to myself, if I had the chance to meet him again, I would run so far in the other direction! I wish I did.

Sorry for rambling on! I’m getting bored of it myself. I’m tired, so so so tired at this point.

I’m feeling extra rubbish this morning. I have journaled loads and cannot focus at work. I hate the person who I have become throughout this never ending, hopeless process. I just want to skip this all together, honestly, one of the hardest things I have ever gone through! It is like grieving someone who is still alive and their actions still affect you!

I have come to the conclusion that I hate love. Because it has the power to make you feel oh so content and wonderful but God it can break you to the extreme too! Not a fan anymore.

Didn’t reflect under topics*

Evening ladies,

I have managed to catch up briefly on the previous posts so will just do a general reply.

Victoria – focusing on your uni work is most definitely self-love. You are working towards creating a better and fulfilling future for yourself, that in itself is incredible! In times where you feel you may not have much to do (I know I get like that when away from my ex, suddenly I have so much spare time) try to do something productive, like your uni work! It’ll be a good distraction and also help you out in the long run! Also, the boundaries thing is incredibly difficult. In all honesty, as with your mum, you will probably back track more times than you can count but you’ve just gotta make the promise to yourself that even if you do, you’ll go right back to trying again. All we can do is try.

Shelby – I’m so glad that you enjoyed your well deserved weekend with your sister! I’m sorry to hear that the feelings are back and the intensity of them aren’t helping! I’m right there with ya. I decided to hang out with some friends yesterday, friends that I have been putting off seeing for many many weeks because of anxiety, I thought no! I have to get myself out of the house even for a few hours! Long story short, I had two drinks and felt extremely sick straight after so left to make my way home. I felt so terrible on my way home, ended up puking everywhere, may I just add I was not at all drunk or even close, clearly just my body did not appreciate the alcohol intake at all, and reverted to contacting my ex! Bummer yet again!!!!! He was a gentleman and looked after me the whole night while I shivered and felt nauseous but today, today I am disappointed with myself yet again. It’s like I take 3 steps forward and 5 steps back! Honestly! I have no idea what I’m doing anymore!

Good morning both,

I too had a look at some dating websites a while back, after my friends advised me that it’ll be good to take my mind off things. Honestly, I logged on and off within the space of a few hours. It felt odd, I didn’t want to entertain conversations with these men, I wasn’t and am not ready, my heart still very much belongs to my ex so it felt like a pointless task. My ex on the other hand appears to have found it a useful distraction following our split, so who knows, sometimes it works other times it doesn’t.

Victoria, I think it’s a good idea to plan a holiday and get away for a little while. I did the same back in September and although it was difficult going away without him, I only have happy memories from that holiday. I say difficult because I recall sitting at the airport, my friend had gone to use the loo and for a moment I lost sight of the fact that I am with her and I sat there looking at thousands of faces walking by me and looking for my ex, it was strange, but I did it and got through it.

Boundaries – oh that dreaded word! But it makes all of the difference once you set them! I am practising boundaries with my ex heavy since the no contact began and I am trying to practice those in all aspects of my life right now. I acknowledge that right now I am a work in progress, I need peace and clarity to continue on my healing journey and anything that disrupts that peace I will put a firm boundary that cannot be crossed. It doesn’t mean that you have to be mean or harsh to people, it just means you’re putting your health and well being first and that is super important!

I’ve only just woken up not that long ago so I don’t feel anything as of yet.. let’s see how the rest of the day goes!