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Compulsive lying

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  • #275811
    Anonymous
    Inactive

    I’m in a relationship with a man I met on a dating app 2 1/2 years ago. We live over 100 miles apart so we are long distance. Recently we’ve been talking about moving the relationship on and he has been looking for jobs where I live.

    I love this man, I really enjoy his company, we get along so well and have had so much fun over the years. We still look at each other and touch each other with the same love and tenderness that we did in the beginning. We still have the same spark and chemestry that we did in the beginning.

    One year after our first date I found out a horrible thing about what had happened at the end of his last relationship. There had been violence involved and it shook me to the core. I confronted him and he explained what had happened and how his ex had been abusive and a lot of information. He got friends to talk to me about it also. After a lot of hurt and heartache I forgave him for hiding the truth from me and although I do not condone what happened I accepted it and decided to give him a second chance.

    During the situation he confessed he’d smoked cannibis (he knew I do not like drugs) he said he wanted to make sure there was nothing else I could find out that would hurt me. He promised he wouldn’t do it ever again.

    Fast forward less than a year, that was in the July this was the following April. He was talking to me about how he felt he’d been drinking too much, I asked if he’d smoked any cannibis. He said no (I knew he was lying I could feel it in my gut) we argued a little and then no more was said. But I couldn’t leave it my gut was telling me he lying. So I asked him again and he continued to lie, eventually he said if I tell you will you help me? I said yes so he admitted he had been at first he said a couple of times and tried to blame a friend for pressuring him into it then he admitted he never stopped he was smoking it regularly and hiding it from me.

    He then went on to disclose to me information that I won’t go into on here that he believed to have caused him to become dependant on using the drugs he told he’d also taken other drugs and hidden it from me. He agreed to go to counselling to work through his issues and I forgave him.

    Fast forward to now, I can only describe our relationship as a happy one.  We have arguments of course we do like everyone but generally we are happy. He makes a lot of effort in our relationship driving a long way to see me as much as he can and I tell him how much I appreciate that and try to show him that appreciation in different ways. I am by no means perfect, I can be very insecure and jealous at times but when I am I apologise and we talk thing through and move on. Recently I’ve started to work on myself a lot around that and regularly meditating and I feel it’s helping. I didn’t want to push him away and was aware it was my issue.

    This weekend he has sat me down and told me as part of his counselling he needs to tell me a couple of things that might upset me. First of all he says he’s never cheated on me but when we first started dating he went on one date with another girl and never told me (I asked him one time if he’d been on any dates since our first date as I know people often are and he said no) he then told me that on a lads holiday 3 month into being with me a girl kissed him in a club and he pulled away but not quick enough). The first time he told me he loved me was on that lads holiday. We were arguing I was upset he then admitted that he went on 3 dates with the girl at the start and kissed her after telling me at first it was just one date and nothing happened. We argued all weekend and he evdntually admitted after telling me at first he’d never cheated on me and the girl at the club kissed him. He then admitted that after that when he got home from the lads holiday he went round to a girls house to watch a dvd and he kissed her. So after all weekend telling me he hadn’t cheated on me and how it would be different if he’d kissed the girl at the club but she had grabbed him and kissed him it turns out he has cheated on me after telling me he loved me he went to another girls house and kissed her. He says he didn’t sleep with her but he has lied that much that I don’t know what to believe.

    Hes said he knows he has issues with lying and wa still to fix himself so that he doesn’t keep lying. He made an emergency appointment to see his counsellor tonight as he wouldn’t have been seeing him for a couple of weeks.

    sorry I know this is long and thank you to anyone who reads this. I don’t know what to do I’m utterly heart broken. I love this man and love the relationship but I keep forgiving his lies and decieving. Isn’t there a saying people only treat you how you let them. Haven’t I allowed him to continuing lying to me everytime I have forgiven him? If I forgive him again will he just continue to lie? Is he still lying now has he done more than kissed another girl. Has he done something more recent? I know you can’t answer these questions. I’m no innocent angel this weekend I’ve screamed and shouted at him, I’ve said horrible things and called him nasty names I’m not perfect either.

    I just don’t know what to do, I haven’t told any friends or family they know about the other times but also chose to forgive him, I’m not sure they will or will want me to forgive him again.

    I don’t know whether I’m just attached to the joy him and the relationship bring to me and that’s why I can’t let go or that I believe he’s been through a lot and is working on himself and he deserves my forgiveness and support.

    He says he think he should let me go as he has hurt me so much but that he doesn’t want to because he loves me.

    #275815
    Kkasxo
    Participant

    Dear Heartbroken,

    Having read your story it resonates closely to that of mine and my ex partner. I too discovered he was a compulsive liar when we were giving each other another shot some two weeks ago and the truth about his behaviour during our split started coming out..

    Although they’ve lied about different things the pattern is clear. They release some truth, a tiny part of the truth to see our response. Then if that goes okay they tweak it just a little more towards the actual truth, see how that goes and the cycle goes on and on until you actually hear the whole truth, or don’t.

    My ex partner too has now started to seek help through therapy as he has admitted his lies have ruined our relationship.

    Im sorry I can’t offer much advice as I too am in your predicament and I know it is horrible, so so horrible when you really want to believe everything they’re saying but because they’ve lied so much it is just impossible. The back and forth of push and pull, anger betrayal and then forgiveness is exhausting and yes I do believe it does set out a guideline of how we allow others to treat us!

    I hope that you can find some peace and resolve through this forum and I will follow this thread closely, it’ll be interesting to see other people’s take on this!

    #275817
    Kkasxo
    Participant

    Didn’t reflect under topics*

    #275831
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Heartbroken:

    For some reason, very early on in the relationship it was established that he is the  Suspect,presumed guilty, and you are the Police. A dynamic of you questioning him repeatedly, him denying charges, then breaking under the pressure of interrogation and confessing to charge after charge, offering to go to counseling, even an emergency counseling (almost as in lie of jail time),  and you then showing the guilty Suspect mercy.

    It started with you finding out that his last relationship ended with violence of some kind, you then “confronted him” about it (because of previous interrogations regarding his past relationship where he didn’t reveal this incident to you, correct?)- that was the beginning of Police vs Suspect dynamic. He then explained himself to you, had his friends testify on his behalf until you were satisfied and showed him mercy,  deciding to give the Suspect a “second chance”.

    Over time, the Suspect had more confessions for you: he drank too much, he smoked cannabis a couple of times/ he never stopped smoking it, he used other drugs,  he dated another girl once after he started dating you but-nothing-happened, he dated that girl three times and a kiss happened, he didn’t pull away quickly enough when a girl managed to land a kiss on him during a lads holiday, after that, he went to a girl’s house to watch dvd and he kissed her.

    My thoughts: maybe you interrogated him so often about so many items that he lost sensibility regarding the difference of a wrongdoing, such as hiding his regular cannabis use, something a long term girlfriend should know about a boyfriend, so to be able to make informative choices regarding a future with him and a no-crime, an absolutely no wrong doing of not escaping a girl who landed a kiss on him that he didn’t see coming fast enough.

    Maybe he thinks that anything at all, however minute or non existent can be a charge placed against him and he just confesses to anything and everything.

    What do you think?

    * I will soon be away from the computer for about sixteen hours.

    anita

     

    #275837
    Anonymous
    Inactive

    Thank you both so much for replying,

    Kkasxo I’m so so sorry that you are going through something similar it’s so so painful. I hope you get through this situation.

     

     

    My thoughts: maybe you interrogated him so often about so many items that he lost sensibility regarding the difference of a wrongdoing, such as hiding his regular cannabis use, something a long term girlfriend should know about a boyfriend, so to be able to make informative choices regarding a future with him and a no-crime, an absolutely no wrong doing of not escaping a girl who landed a kiss on him that he didn’t see coming fast enough. Maybe he thinks that anything at all, however minute or non existent can be a charge placed against him and he just confesses to anything and everything. What do you think?

     

    i think that makes a lot of sense and I know I have played a part in this situation also.

    i understand how that’s not a healthy relationship.

    I’m not sure he’s confessing to anything and everything. He has told me those things this weekend because he doesn’t want those lies to come between our relationship. I think he said he’d told the counsellor he was hiding things from me and the counsellor said that unless he was honest with me he would always feel alone. As he would always know I would only love the version of him that he was putting forward to me.

    #275845
    Mark
    Participant

    Heartbroken,

    All of this going between you and him over 100 miles apart?

    I wonder how many days you two have actually seen each other over what period of time?

    Mark

    #275847
    Anonymous
    Inactive

    Almost every weekend for the last 2 1/2 years and lots of times when we’ve spent 10 days / 2 weeks together over the Christmas period, holiday times etc. There never been more than two weeks between seeing each other.

    #275923
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Heartbroken:

    As I see it your main problem with him is that he has been a regular cannabis smoker and you don’t want a boyfriend/ future life partner who uses drugs at all, let alone be a regular drug user.

    Being under the regular influence of cannabis, as well as occasional alcohol and other drugs does make a person slower to move, slower to escape a kiss in a lads party, and otherwise not exercise good judgment sexually and otherwise. It also affects the memory. Therefore what he has confessed to you regarding a kiss here and there is probably not very dependable as a source of information.

    The reason I do not consider your problem with him to be that of him being a compulsive liar is because you have been a compulsive interrogator and the two of you fed each other’s compulsions. Like a child who is repeatedly interrogated and getting into trouble for things he didn’t do, for things he did do and things that just happened, over time the child learns to lie just about anything at all, so to not get into trouble.

    I suggest you leave his past alone. Let the man have peace with his past before he met you and the past after. It is gone, and unless he committed a crime that has no time limit according to the law, let him have his peace. After all, you want peace with your past too, don’t you.

    I suggest you stop the following pattern: “a lot of hurt and heartache” on your part -> “we argued” -> “so I asked him again” ->”He confessed” -> “He promised he wouldn’t do it ever again”->”I forgave him”.

    You wrote: “I can be very insecure and jealous at times… I didn’t want to push him away and was aware it was my issue”- what about counseling for you? Or couple counseling, that would be best.

    anita

     

     

    #275927
    Anonymous
    Inactive

    Thank you for your reply

    #275933
    Anonymous
    Guest

    You are welcome, Heartbroken.

    anita

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