Morning Shelby,

I have managed to cancel today’s therapy session and looking forward to a busy day!

I’m glad you enjoyed your day yesterday. You do have some really lovely friends around you, clearly people that would go above and beyond to make you smile – that’s priceless! You’re not letting anyone down, you can’t think like that. You are doing your best at all times and believe it or not you are doing way better than you think considering!

Thing’s with my ex are going surprisingly well at the moment.. I am just waiting for it to mess up though, like it always does. Other than that I feel butterflies in my stomach and a great excitement for the new year. I just know I have to make it my year by all means necessary. I am feeling overwhelmed at the new job opportunity and the doors that it opens for me for complete self sufficiency. I no longer have to rely on my ex to try and make a life for myself and I must admit that feels amazing.

What are your plans for today?

No problem at all. Like I say, you girls have kept me going through some of my darkest moments and continue to do so – my little tiny buddha family!

Yes, please try to smile and enjoy your birthday! People are clearly making an extra effort to make this time special for you, it is so nice of them! And it keeps you busy too so that’s always a good thing!

Try not to think about your ex and the contact too much right now as it will take your focus off of the lovely week ahead! Let’s re-visit end of the week?!

My situation at the moment is better.. but it is very up and down because of me. One moment I’m okay and getting on with things and the next I close myself off and go into shut down mode and question every and anything and start acting out.. I’m loosing patience with myself but then I have to try to remind myself that this is normal and just try to be patient! Time will tell. But I cannot wait until the new year! Something about closing that chapter and putting it behind me!

Shelby,

Sorry it feels like things aren’t getting better for you.. but honestly you are doing SO well! I can completely relate to the feeling of wanting your ex to reach out on an occasion like a birthday – I had the same back in October. I think it’s quite petty that he didn’t, considering the length of time you guys spent together but I guess it just goes back to that thing of we can’t control other people, we can only control ourselves.

You do what YOU need to do or think you should do to help you move forward. For me, after much thought that was exactly that one last conversation. I knew it had to happen otherwise despite my better judgement and all the advice given from everyone around me, my thoughts would always wander back to how? why? Etc and I would end up dwelling on/wasting a lot of time on it.

What’s the plan for tomorrow?! Are you keeping busy?

Victoria,

Sorry to hear about your boyfriend/mum situation. I do hope that with this new space and distance will come some clarity for you. It is clear you’re in an extremely difficult situation in your personal life. I can relate completely to feeling overwhelmed and lost, it’s often how I describe myself and my situation..

Shelby,

Sorry to hear about your night! I too have been having awful dreams of my ex recently – mainly to do with him seeing other women. Now this one literally feels like a physical stab to the heart. Honestly, how can one experience physical reactions and pain to dreams?!

In regards to meeting up/contacting your ex to discuss how you’ve been feeling, many people In sure will advise against it. ‘Sometimes we don’t get all of our questions answered’ ‘You’ll end up hurting more’ etc etc.. However, from personal experience (and having been speaking with yourself for some weeks now we are quite similar in that way) getting every tiny detail off my chest, whether he wanted to hear it or respond to it was necessary for me. I will admit that I wrote him quite extensive messages explaining exactly the damage he caused to me and what that meant. I was very honest, almost brutal. More often than not I either didn’t get a response or I got one along the lines of ‘I’m sorry I wish I could help’ which frustrated me even more, YOU CAN HELP YOU IDIOT!!!! IF ONLY YOU VARED ENOUGH!! But, it did settle my mind and gave me the peace to decide to move on. And for that reason I would say if that is what sits right with you then go for it. I won’t deny that the likelihood is yes you might feel worse before you feel better but you WILL feel better after it, I promise you. I know I did…

Shelby,

Yes you’re definitely right. Perhaps it is all too soon to have any interaction/contact with his family. I suppose in a way I knew i’d have to bump into them because of his living situation and I was okay with a casual Hi and Bye interaction, as that is the absolute necessity. What I am not okay with is feeling such anguish standing outside his front door that I end up having a panic attack and fleeing the location all together. Although I understand the situation was out of his control and yes I probably reacted more intensely than normal I didn’t appreciate that he allowed it to escalate. He literally could’ve sat with me for a moment and helped me breathe through it and said it’s okay, I understand this is a lot for you BUT you are here for me. I am here for you. You’re not here to see anyone else so just come in say hello and off we go up to my room, no further interactions. But I think where his family were standing over him and were like where is she? ‘She’s looking for parking..’ then before we knew it 30 minutes was gone and everyone started asking questions, that was putting additional pressure on me as I didn’t feel ready to stroll in there and so I thought it’s better for my sanity to just leave. I keep replaying it in my head and the thing that angers me the most is the fact that I know his sister feels she has the upper hand, the fact that he allowed that to happen!!!!

I think heartbreak is a little more complicated than we actually think. Maybe actually part of the process is to be stuck in a certain phase for a while? Although I do think that it goes back to what I previously said, unanswered questions, especially for people like you and I who need to be in control of everything at all times. I do believe it may be beneficial to write him a letter/email/text releasing every single thing that you are feeling. Don’t expect a response as it is likely you wont get one but know that at least those feelings are no longer trapped within you, instead he is fully aware of what you are feeling and you’ll feel all better for it. What do you think?

Aren’t you such a good sister?! It’s always nice to spend time with your niece/nephew aswell! I love doing things like that, especially in my low times as it makes me feel helpful and needed when I feel the complete opposite!

Ah yes I remember you mentioned about your relative. How is she?!

I’m due to be meeting up with a friend who I haven’t seen for some months this evening for a few drinks. I can most definitely use the reprieve of listening to someone else’s problems other than mine so i’m looking forward to that! Other than that nothing else planned for the rest of the weekend. I’ll have to think of something. Maybe get some more Christmas shopping done!

Shelby,

Firstly, well done on completing all of your presentations! You are one amazing lady! (I personally couldn’t have done it!) & don’t worry too much about the crying part after, it’s probably you just releasing all of your emotions! The build up to these presentations along with not being able to share it with the ex, it’s a lot. Give yourself a pat on the back. You did it, you survived, you’re amazing!

You’re absolutely right, it is extremely difficult to figure out the right thing to do, it is. No matter how much advice people give there isn’t a guideline for these things. Heartbreak is such a personal and deeply hurtful experience I think everyone goes through their own motions. I know it’s much easier said than done but try to not focus so much on the tomorrow and instead focus on the here and now. What can I do right this moment to make me feel a little tad brighter? It can be anything from listening to a favourite song, eating a type of food you like, whatever it may be. Those little moments will eventually fill your days with things that make you feel better. Also, distraction distraction distraction. This is something I covered in my therapy session today. I realised my body is got such a god damn good coping mechanism – barriers & distraction. It’s just a shame that when the reality catches up with me it breaks me into tiny pieces every time.

I feel absolutely worn this evening. My therapy sessions are located 5 mins away from my ex’s house (I know what a shitty place). He suggested that as it will be a emotional day for me for me to come and stay the night. I accepted of course, welcomed the comfort how could I not (absolute fool). So after my therapy session, feeling worn and emotionally drained I arrived at his house and his house seemed to have been full of people. His brothers wife, her two kids and his sister (who I no longer wish to have any kind of relations with following the traumatic event over the summer), baring in mind I haven’t seen her since. So he suggested that we go and do some shopping while they finish up dinner and leave. Again, like the ‘good little girl’ that I am I agreed and off we went. We were wandering around for about 2 hours upon which I said I will just drop him home and make my way back home myself because I’m tired and drained and i can’t be bothered to play the hiding games. No he insisted that I come in. He went indoors to check if everyone had left but his sister was still there (I was waiting in the car, really hoping to avoid seeing her as it would all be too much for me). He then sent me a text from indoors saying okay just come in, let’s not make this awkward blah blah blah. Then his brother arrived, again, someone I haven’t seen in months and approached me. I almost felt smothered in pity sitting in my car too awkward to go inside. This whole time all I wanted for him to do is to come outside and be by my side as we walk in.. no he remained indoors sending me text after text ‘are you coming?! Cmon!!! It’s getting awkward now that you’re leaving it this long’

The stress of everything got so overwhelming I actually started having a panic attack in my car, shaking and crying and I left. I just drove off.

I wanted to go inside. But I wanted him next to me, standing his ground, ‘she is here whether you like it or not’ (me & his sister will never get on again). Rather than hiding around, driving around shopping to avoid all interaction.

I’m so tired Shelby. Honestly, every little aspect of anything right now is a constant reiteration of why this will never work. Please, I need some kind of arrow to struck me or something to just give me the strength to stop trying. Too much has happened. I can’t wven face his family members who are oh so important to him and he will never ever set boundaries between that. He’ll never stand by me how I need him to. And to top it off I feel even worse now because I feel his sister has the absolute upper hand. She knew I was supposed to be coming in and I drove home instead. She’s probably thinking yes! She’s scared of me! Or I’ve intimidated her!

Im sorry for rambling on. I could be blowing things out of proportion & completely over exxagerated throughout the situation but it just got too much for me, fight or flight and all that!

I feel tiny..

Shelby,

Thank you! The raise did come as a surprise as I only took this job on in late August on a temporary/part-time basis as I was recovering from the aftermath of my trauma and left the country for a month. The project was due to finish in December and upon my review meeting with my boss yesterday he offered me a raise and a permanent position – I am pleased to say the least! I do enjoy my job and it is like a big weight lifted off my shoulders to know that I will be more stable financially to cope on my own in a couple of months time!

I know exactly what you mean by hanging in there with work because you weren’t sure on where exactly you are headed with your ex. Gosh are we the same person or what?! I too work all my plans along my ex’s! If he had to move half way across the country I would happily leave my job to follow him, but would he do the same for me? I highly doubt it! As we’re on the topic of the future, do you think your current job would allow you to go independent without the support of another? The idea of a move is stressful and daunting but I am kind of glad that I have been pushed into this corner and have to face up to it as it is going to be a completely new chapter of my life. Something to look forward to in the future, on my own.. It makes the idea of a ‘future’ a little bit less unknown as I am aware this will be happening. Maybe something like that would be good for you also? I know you mention that there aren’t many prospects in this company at the moment. Is there anything better that you could look for in your field?

Listen, you’ve done the cold turkey no contact thing for so long, even if you crack it’s not the end of the world. I think its a completely alien concept to think that you can go for years loving, caring and planning your whole life around one person and the next go to being complete strangers, not thinking about them or wanting to reach out. The up and down, the thoughts, the on and off txting is all a part of this process. When you do want to reach out to him, think about the reasons behind this. What is it you want to say? What is it that you want to hear from him? Will you actually hear those things from him? What is your communication going to change?

Also, I know I have asked you this before but just wanted to ask again. Now you’re 10 or so weeks post break up, realistically, what would your response be if your ex contacted you now and said he wants to reconcile?

I think maybe you have a point on self fulfilling prophecies. I am definitely giving him a very hard time at the moment, but I can’t help it. I was always a very secure woman up until the summer.. Now I don’t even recognise myself. His past behaviour, the way he walked away from me the first time, all the mind games etc are causing my insecurities to creep up on me and I turn into a real needy mess almost demanding reassurance right that second otherwise I go off on one.. I realise this is natural and there are reasons behind this but I truly hate the person that I am. Even more so, I see more and more reasons as to why we shouldn’t be together but yet it STILL isn’t enough for me to walk away!!!!!!!!!!! This makes me so angry!!!!!!! It is soooo much easier when he walked, because then I can just sulk but have to deal with it, but when it’s in my hands its almost as though I can’t bare to carry the weight of that decision because ‘what if?’…

I know birthdays and special occasions are tough, remember when I went through it back in October?! I did not enjoy one moment of it and frankly I am so glad the day came and went as quickly as it did. It may not be enjoyable, but try to remember that you will be surrounded by people that love and care about you. I hope the day comes and goes quickly for you too and that 2019 has a better birthday in store for you! (I’m hoping the same for me!)

Have you got much planned for your week off then?!

Hi Shelby,

Apologies for going quiet on you the last few days. I have had a very hectic weekend with my family going away, back and forth trips to the airport, my friends birthday, work etc. I have literally not had a moment to myself at all. I haven’t even been to the gym! It’s terrible!

How are you? I saw you started another thread. I hope that brings you some further clarity and advice from those who may not wish to participate on this thread (due to the lengthy conversation).

How is work? Life? How are you doing? How are you feeling!?

Looking forward to hearing from you!