Home→Forums→Relationships→Trying to deal with anxiety and loss after relationship break up
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November 20, 2018 at 4:31 am #238627
KkasxoParticipantHi Shelby,
Ah I see what you mean! In a sense I can relate although my situation was a little different. Post trauma all of the feelings around this were so intense that I almost chose to actively focus on my break up and the hurt from that so I didn’t have to focus on the emotions related to the trauma. Two different kinds of pains. The lesser of two evils in a sense.
Yes, I do think it has helped. It gave the healing process a kick start along with starting my counselling finally! To my surprise, I have felt at ease since Saturday. I know it’s only been 3 days but those 3 days stress and anxiety free are amazing and I am enjoying every moment of it. I hope it lasts.
This is probably the first time I have noticed significant progress within myself so I am glad.
Although I don’t know if that has everything to do with the fact that me and my ex are on okay terms at the moment or if the conversation/counselling has kick started my healing process, it’s hard to say.
November 20, 2018 at 9:25 am #238681
ShelbyvilleParticipantKkasxo,
It could be a combination of both the counselling & the conversation with your ex. Either way, grab the reprieve whenever you can. I’m rrally glad to hear you’re feeling better.
I’m feeling ok the past three days. But I mean, scarily okay. As in, I’m not obsessing about him, it all seems fuzzy and distant and I can’t quite recall him in my mind. Which to me signals DENIAL again!!!
I spoke to my counsellor and he explained that this is the waves people talk about when referring to grief. Some days you’re in a hole and the next day you feel fine through no direct conscious action of your own. He says it’s millions of years of evolution, where our unconscious mind has developed a mechanism called grief to ensure we survive. So when my unconscious feels it’s let in enough of the pain at a time, it gives a break and reprieve so it’ll only give me enough that I can cope with at any given time.
What I don’t like is the unpredictability of it. I worry if I’m okay today, will I suffer tomorrow. But I’m doing my best to focus on the reprieve and be grateful for it.
I’m also so nervous for my presentations this week. To 70 people tomorrow and 100 different people on Thursday. Getting my hair coloured this eve and got my nails done yesterday to try and give me confidence I don’t have. I’m hoping fake it till I make it will work! Eek.
Do you feel you’re healing more by yourself now or would you consider trying again with your ex?
Today im distant from my situation so I feel like I would really be in two minds about getting back with my ex, if he miraculously changed his mind. I sometimes think, the love of your life is not someone who would break your heart to pieces. But then on the other hand, the veil of denial/rationale could lift and I’d leap into his arms if he asked!
November 21, 2018 at 2:19 am #239991KkasxoParticipantShelby,
Good luck with your presentations! You’ve absolutely got this! Let me know how it goes 🙂
Also, I am so glad to hear that you’re feeling better! Do you think the reality is kicking in? You know when every single person advised that it gets better with time, maybe this is exactly what is happening right now? Nevertheless, I am so happy to hear that you’re doing well! The progress you are making is incredible and you should give yourself a real pat on your back! You have come a long way since we first started our online communication!
I know what you mean about the love of your life is not someone who would break your heart. I do believe that to an extent. But then there’s the realist part of me who is aware that we are only human and we make mistakes. Now provided they are actual mistakes and not intentional actions to hurt the other perhaps they can be looked past or forgiven. It’s a really tough one as on one hand I want to believe in this fairy tale of love isn’t supposed to hurt, two people just get together and have their happy ever after. But then on the other hand this forum alone shows that all that is is a fairy tale! We are all flawed, we will all mess up and make mistakes and more often than not we hurt those who are closest to our hearts! It’s the sad sad truth!
November 21, 2018 at 8:06 am #240027ShelbyvilleParticipantHi there,
I did it! It’s done and went okay….I think, so glad to have the first one done but I’m honestly so exhausted now, it was so intense and draining. I felt good going into it- well I faked feeling well!
I thought the whole experience would boost my confidence and feelings, however, now I feel rather deflated. I’m really missing my ex this afternoon. I guess special moments in life are made more special by sharing them with the one you love. I feel down again today as a result.
I am just like you in the sense that I want to believe in happy endings. I know a few couples who broke up at one stage and reunited and are solid now, even after really sh*tty things happened. However, in all cases, something changed. Something HAD to change otherwise they would end up in same place again, so the guy either came to his senses and settled down or made a commitment or gave up booze…..you get the idea! In my scenario, I know I can’t try & reconcile without some change on his part otherwise I’ll be back to where I am now. But he won’t/can’t change so I’m trying to fight the urge to reconcile which will probably make me look like a desperado anyway. Grrrr, these pesky feelings are a headwreck.
I’m too tired to do much this evening and I have a presentation tomorrow again so I’m going to try and relax this evening. How about you?
November 22, 2018 at 2:31 am #240155KkasxoParticipantShelby,
Well done honestly! I absolutely hate presentations so the fact that you did it is amazing! It is a lot to present in front of a group of people though so I think it’s pretty normal to feel drained after. The whole lead up to the event must’ve been a nightmare!
Yes I know exactly what you mean by change. It is true, if a relationship did not work out something must change in order for it to work. This is the issue I am currently having with my ex.. I don’t believe that the main aspects of the relationship i.e progress have or will change. He’s still pretty adamant on the mortgage etc. Some of my friends have tried to make me understand his perspective and said I am getting upset at a man for being driven and motivated to achieve the best in life.. How can I be angry at him for that? And I get that, but I don’t think it is just that. I do believe it is a cover up because he just isn’t in a rush to progress (because mortgages are a long process) and also that he is very much the financially responsible man in his household and will more than likely not get away from that for a long time..
So with that in mind I will be speaking with my boss regarding a promotion/pay rise so that I can save enough money to be ready to find my own four walls in a few months time when my family leave.. Fingers crossed that goes well. He wont progress with me? I’ll progress by myself! But then I think what’s the point? What is the point of him building a life for himself how he sees fit and me doing the same? Where is the ‘together’ in any of that?
I’m very proud of how well you are doing, honestly. It is admirable. I must admit I am majorly delayed in any progress because me and my ex are currently on ‘good terms’. So to speak at the moment there is no real effort to move forward as we are hung up on the idea of a reconciliation. I am however extremely weary and observant before I make any real decisions so at least I’m doing that!
I wonder how Victoria is doing.. I am assuming the reconciliation with her ex went well as we haven’t heard from her in a little while!
November 22, 2018 at 8:20 am #240325ShelbyvilleParticipantKkasxo,
Second big presentation done…..and I’m exhausted! My yawns are so big I look like I’m trying to swallow my own head! It does give you a confidence boost when you get positive feedback from people you don’t even know!
Im off work tomorrow as I had days to take and felt I could use a day of nothing to rest!
I see where you friends are coming from, yes, there is nothing wrong with being motivated about a certain path in life- it’s admirable. BUT, basically he’s still planning HIS idea of what life should look like. I’m only saying this cos your situation resonates a lot with me. Your ex is continuing with the life path he has always worked towards, even before you and will try and insert you into it, if it works. I’m beginning to see that two people in love who are planning a future together forever, need to make decisions together, they need to plan a joint life.
My therapist explained to me recently that his understanding of love is someone wanting to spend their life with you, they want to plan a mutual future together, they want to make YOU happy, they even put you first above themselves at times and it always involved compromise. He explained that while my ex may have ‘loved’ me in a way, he didn’t love me enough to move in with me, marry me, plan a future with me. That’s hard for me to take at the minute. I’m still digesting.
Im fully supportive of you reuniting with your ex if that’s what you choose. But I just wanted to present some other perspectives on it so you have food for thought! I’m on a low again today, maybe hormonal, but feeling so very empty without my ex. I miss him so much.
I noticed Victoria posted on her own thread. She reconciled with her ex but my understanding is that things remain to be difficult with demands and anxiety, so I hope she’s doing ok.
Oh have you counselling today?
November 22, 2018 at 11:36 am #240355KkasxoParticipantShelby,
Another big well done to you on your presentation! And yes, the day off tomorrow is well deserved! Have you got much planned?
I think your point about wanting to build a life together, a mutual future is absolutely right. I agree with that completely. He doesn’t. In his words he is doing the best he can to provide us with the best future.. which yes is admirable and very nice of him but quite frankly at that rate we may not even have a future together because he’s so set in his ways… he realises this but it isn’t enough of a reason for him to derail from this plan. So perhaps your therapist is right. Maybe he does love me, like your ex loves you, but it isn’t enough to actually compromise and make future plans with me..
I do hear of these stories all the time. Two people together for many years, happy years but without progress and then suddenly they split up, eventually get into their next relationships and everything moves so quickly! But that’s all they qete, stories, and it appears I’m living this one right now.
I’ve actually just come back from my counselling session and I am feeling drained to say the least! I feel like this whole ordeal has sucked all of the energy out of me.
Yes, I saw Victoria’s comment earlier on her own thread and it resonated with me being on the receiving end of the situation. I’ve realised because of all the built up insecurities from the way he walked out on me all the way to this now ongoing back and forth have made me such a miserable person. I don’t like this person but yet I still do not have it in me to make the conscious decision to walk away.. I feel like I’ll forwver ask myself ‘what if?’. It would be much easier if he walked and it’s almost as though I am waiting for that moment! I’m arguing and pushing him further and further away to make him walk – how unhealthy?!
On a brighter note though, I’ve just weighed myself & I’ve officially lost 21 pounds since June! This should make me quite happy.. it doesn’t haha! Nothing makes me happy nowadays!
November 22, 2018 at 1:22 pm #240411ShelbyvilleParticipantKkasxo,
wow well done on the weight loss, unless you’re only 4 stone, in which case, the weight loss might be not so good, but otherwise well done! I’ve lost 7lbs but my aim is 14, so I’ll keep struggling on!
Me ex walked away in my case and yet I’m still agonising over it. I think that’s where you and I are different, you’d say ‘f**k it, I have to go on and be happy’ whereas I’m still STILL trying to figure out how I can make it work with him. It’s ridiculous, but it’s where I am. I didn’t think I was going to spend any of my life without him and I still haven’t adjusted to the change yet.
Lets talk about regret. What would you regret more…..going back and it not working out again or going forward alone and always wondering? Counselling wipes me sometimes too but I feel like I’ve pulled some crap out of my brain and off my heart and then I’m a little lighter!
I have counselling tomorrow because I tend not to be too bad at the start of a week but Fridays can be bad, so I’d like to see my therapist on a bad day to explain the full extent. I’m also meeting my old male friend for another long walk. Those 7lbs won’t shift themselves!
I hope Victoria is doing okay too.
November 22, 2018 at 2:47 pm #240433
VictoriaParticipantDear Shelbyville and Kkasxo,
I am back but I am going to give proper replies tomorrow (: I hope you both have a good night
– V
November 22, 2018 at 2:49 pm #240435KkasxoParticipantShelby,
Don’t worry I’m just as weak as you are trying to figure out any and every way to make it work despite knowing better..
I am having a very difficult evening. Emotionally I am finished at this point. I have been sobbing my eyes out for the past hour or so with no stopping in the forseaable future.
I am thinking about all of the ways I have tried to listen to everyone’s advice and help myself and how nothing is really helping. I am 5 months into my post-trauma life and I’ve tried everything from self help books, to gym, to forums, to speaking to friends and I can’t help but feel sad despite all my best attempts.
I’d be lying if I said I weren’t really considering paying my GP a visit now to discuss medication. It’s a very tough pill to swallow for me but it appears maybe I’m not as strong as I thought and perhaps I can’t really help myself in the end..
I know I won’t sleep tonight.. I get like that. I am dreading work in the morning, I’m already thinking of any way I can possibly stay in bed for the day..
I’m feeling lost.
November 22, 2018 at 2:58 pm #240437VictoriaParticipantKkasxo,
Just seen your post before I went to sign out. I don’t know if I can help but before I go I will leave you with a few pointers that may make your night easier.
- Possibly write a list of 5 things or even three, that you have accomplished in the last year.
- Please try to believe that you are strong, just tell yourself that you are, because, well, you are. You have gone through a lot and are still standing, even after crying you are thinking of ways to help yourself. Asking for medication doesn’t mean you aren’t strong, if anything it makes you strong because you are taking the step to acknowledge that you need help, which a lot of people will not do.
- Try and watch or read something funny, comedy does wonders for the soul.
- If you really can’t sleep is there anyone you can call? If not friends you could try a helpline just to talk to someone for five minutes (I’ve done this myself at times and it has helped).
- sending hugs!!
– V
November 22, 2018 at 3:03 pm #240439VictoriaParticipantShelbyville,
Congratulations on the presentation, weight loss and continuing therapy! You did that all on your own, without your ex. I can understand why you are thinking of ways to fix things because you believe that you two were strong enough to weather the storm as it were.
I believe that seeing your friend tomorrow will help, do you see them often to chat about life?
– V
November 22, 2018 at 11:33 pm #240441ShelbyvilleParticipantKkasxo,
I know those evenings all too well. They are not easy. You’re in anguish because deep down you want to move forward I think. One way or another. You know what your head and friends are telling you but the heart wants what it wants. Maybe the decision is to go with the heart to at least put to bed all the anguish over trying to choose. If it works, great, if it doesn’t, at least you tried and then time to follow the head?
As for medication- do you realise you ARE doing it by yourself by seeking such help. My therapist pointed out that I had the wherewithall to realise I was struggling and my brain needed an extra hand to get out of the woods. I’ll still feel, but it takes the unmanageability out of it. And I don’t intend to stay on them, it’s just a helping aid for a difficult period in my life. Well done you thinking about all possible ways to help yourself. You’re not giving up- don’t you see? You’re fighting, in whatever small way. You WANT to feel better and are not hiding under the bed for months on end, so give yourself credit!
Victoria,
Those were great tips for Kkasxo and I hope you’re doing okay too.
I enjoy walks with my friend as we can talk about anything. He’s very deep and we often end up talking philosophically! But he never makes me feel bad for anything I feel and really try’s to understand things when I say them to him, which I really appreciate.
November 23, 2018 at 10:50 am #246525ShelbyvilleParticipantFinding I’m really down this evening- so many reminders the past few days which seem to be taking swipes at my heart. Idolising of my ex is continuing, just can’t shift or disrupt that mindset no matter what I try.
I feel so lost still without him and want to talk to him again 🙁 I hope ye are having a better evening.
November 25, 2018 at 8:22 am #248453ShelbyvilleParticipantEvening all,
Just popped on ‘cos I’m struggling today. I’m feeling really low and sad and particularly lonely. Also, I suffer from chronic pain, which has completed flared up the past few days, so it’s tough going. Pain can get in on you. Physical and emotional.
I’m faced with the reality of spending time with just myself this afternoon. So I’m trying to just ‘be’. This should be okay right? If I’m a fairly well adjusted normal person, despite being heartbroken, it should be manageable?! But I’m finding it hard. I’m lonely. I don’t like the life I have right now, I want the one I used to have with my ex, despite its faults.
Its 9 weeks since the breakup and my mentality just doesn’t seem to be shifting, despite efforts to do so. 🙁
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