Menu

Trying to deal with anxiety and loss after relationship break up

HomeForumsRelationshipsTrying to deal with anxiety and loss after relationship break up

New Reply

This topic contains 654 replies, has 16 voices, and was last updated by  Shelbyville 1 day, 13 hours ago.

Viewing 15 posts - 601 through 615 (of 656 total)
  • Author
    Posts
  • #261549

    Kkasxo
    Participant

    Hi Shelby,

    Apologies for going quiet on you the last few days. I have had a very hectic weekend with my family going away, back and forth trips to the airport, my friends birthday, work etc. I have literally not had a moment to myself at all. I haven’t even been to the gym! It’s terrible!

    How are you? I saw you started another thread. I hope that brings you some further clarity and advice from those who may not wish to participate on this thread (due to the lengthy conversation).

    How is work? Life? How are you doing? How are you feeling!?

    Looking forward to hearing from you!

    #261553

    Shelbyville
    Participant

    Kkasxo,

    Have your family departed now for good or are they just on holidays? If it’s the permanent move, I hope you’re okay and managing the change well. It’s a good thing you were kept busy, it’s a good way to be sometimes as it leaves little time for much else to be thinking about.

    Work is familiar and safe at the moment, which I need, but the reasons I have been trying to leave this job for about 3 years also remain and it’s also wrecking my head – as usual – but at least the head wrecking in here is familiar! My last big presentation tomorrow though – wohoo!

    I’ve been feeling super low lately. I don’t know why. My friend spoke to me yesterday and said ‘Shelby -why are you even thinking about trying to get back with him, I’m not trying to be cruel, but he’s gone. Like, literally gone fom your life….it’s well done for him, even though I know it’s still a huge element of your life thinking and feeling etc. But it’s over for him now for a while, he’s not looking back’. She’s right of course. But now I feel foolish, because despite knowing that, why on earth can’t I have enough self-respect to say, I’m devastated but it’s done’. So frustrating.

    How have you been doing? Will you get to the gym this week? Is work ok?

    #261575

    Kkasxo
    Participant

    Shelby,

    No not yet. They will be going for good in June/July so a few months to go! They just went away for a couple of days, lucky for some! I’m due to collect them from the airport this evening but I will try to go to the gym beforehand! I haven’t been since early last week and feel terrible about it even though I can honestly say I literally am in hibernation mode and cannot be bothered to go to the gym!

    What is wrong at work? Why do you want to leave?

    See I always find it is easy for people to say ‘why aren’t you just moving on?!’ ‘why hold on?!’. Now I know they are coming from a place of love but I find this unhelpful and disheartening sometimes. I’ve had plenty of those conversations with those around me. Even if your friend is right about him not looking back, I can almost guarantee he too is going through the motions of this. It’s not easy walking away from someone, even if you’re the one initiating the break up! I feel like you’re in the place I was when we first began talking.. I was about 3/4 months into my split and felt like I wasn’t making any progress. It does get like that, you just have to be patient and remind yourself that there isn’t a time limit on these things. It’ll hurt, probably for a while longer and that’s okay.

    I think you have way more self-respect than you think. Despite everything within you telling you to contact him you have managed to stop yourself on several occasions and that is major! Give yourself credit for this!

    I have been doing okay. The days leading up to therapy last week were tough, and I felt completely zoned out after so if i’m honest im kind of dreading my session tomorrow. It is a lot. It feels like scratching a wound that is not yet properly healed and each time it just bleeds a little more. Me and my ex have continued to be on good terms. I suppose in a sense you could say we are attempting to ‘give things another go’ but if I’m honest I am SO weary now. My guard is all the way up and I don’t see that coming down anytime soon. I am still stuck in thinking of the progress in the long run. Am I just setting myself up for heartbreak in the end anyway? Can I really just go into this blindfolded hoping for the best?

    But I suppose maybe you and your therapist are right. Maybe I just need to do this just to know? No clue.

    On a brighter note, I have managed to get myself a significant pay rise as of the new year so I am very excited as the financial future  with me having to find my flat etc is looking a lot brighter. At least that’s one less thing to worry about!

    I am looking forward to and dreading Christmas at the same time. I’ll be going back home for a week or so to spend it with family but it’ll be my first time away from my ex (who’s birthday is on Christmas eve) so that’ll be strange. But then again he completely missed my birthday and what would’ve been our anniversary too.

    So in a nut shell, the confusion very much continues!

    #262425

    Shelbyville
    Participant

    Kkasxo,

    Firstly congratulations on getting a raise, knowing your worth and going for it! Well done and it will help a lot in the future. I hear you about the gym….I like walking but lately the evenings are so dark and it’s so dreary, I don’t have much impetus to do exercise! But then I don’t sleep either, probably because I’m not tired enough, so it’s a catch 22 situation.

    I’ve wanted to leave work for a while because there is an incredible amount of undue pressure here, I have a boss who is selfish and unreasonable and really the money is poor with no prospects.That’s not to say I don’t like some of the people I work with, some of them are great, but I guess I hung on in the job as I didn’t know where my future would be i.e where my ex and I would live etc…but I guess that’s not a factor now.

    I still am at the point where I can’t imagine my future without him. Which is silly, because the future is NOW and I AM without him!!! I know I have resisted contact so far, but I envisage myself cracking soon, I just feel it. Anyway, we’ll see.

     

    The first 4 or 6 sessions of therapy can be tough for sure when there is a lot to deal with, but it’s always good to review the process at the 6-week mark with your therapist and see are you achieving anything or getting anything out of it. As I said before, therapist can be like hairdressers, can take a while to get one that is the right fit for you! But hang in there, you’re doing great and even if you think it takes it out of you, that’s processing and it’s not all circling in your head, so again…well done!

    I think if you reconcile, you really have to put negativity aside and go for it. It’s natural to be hurt and wary, but at the same time, don’t forget about self-fulfilling prophecies. If you talk to yourself and say, this will work out, it probably has a better chance that if you keep telling yourself..I’m nervous, what if it doesn’t. I dunno, the thoughts apparently create actions, which create outcomes, or so they say!

    My birthday is next Monday and Im off work for the week. Im dreading it if I’m honest. I think I’ll just feel so lonely even with lots of people around. I wonder will be contact me etc. Ugh it’s just another hurdle I suppose. At least at Christmas, you will have lots of family around, sort of in a way, distracting, in the sense that you won’t have too much opportunity to think about him and even less to talk about him!

     

    But at least, we still have Tiny Buddha to vent!

    #264745

    Kkasxo
    Participant

    Shelby,

    Thank you! The raise did come as a surprise as I only took this job on in late August on a temporary/part-time basis as I was recovering from the aftermath of my trauma and left the country for a month. The project was due to finish in December and upon my review meeting with my boss yesterday he offered me a raise and a permanent position – I am pleased to say the least! I do enjoy my job and it is like a big weight lifted off my shoulders to know that I will be more stable financially to cope on my own in a couple of months time!

    I know exactly what you mean by hanging in there with work because you weren’t sure on where exactly you are headed with your ex. Gosh are we the same person or what?! I too work all my plans along my ex’s! If he had to move half way across the country I would happily leave my job to follow him, but would he do the same for me? I highly doubt it! As we’re on the topic of the future, do you think your current job would allow you to go independent without the support of another? The idea of a move is stressful and daunting but I am kind of glad that I have been pushed into this corner and have to face up to it as it is going to be a completely new chapter of my life. Something to look forward to in the future, on my own.. It makes the idea of a ‘future’ a little bit less unknown as I am aware this will be happening. Maybe something like that would be good for you also? I know you mention that there aren’t many prospects in this company at the moment. Is there anything better that you could look for in your field?

    Listen, you’ve done the cold turkey no contact thing for so long, even if you crack it’s not the end of the world. I think its a completely alien concept to think that you can go for years loving, caring and planning your whole life around one person and the next go to being complete strangers, not thinking about them or wanting to reach out. The up and down, the thoughts, the on and off txting is all a part of this process. When you do want to reach out to him, think about the reasons behind this. What is it you want to say? What is it that you want to hear from him? Will you actually hear those things from him? What is your communication going to change?

    Also, I know I have asked you this before but just wanted to ask again. Now you’re 10 or so weeks post break up, realistically, what would your response be if your ex contacted you now and said he wants to reconcile?

    I think maybe you have a point on self fulfilling prophecies. I am definitely giving him a very hard time at the moment, but I can’t help it. I was always a very secure woman up until the summer.. Now I don’t even recognise myself. His past behaviour, the way he walked away from me the first time, all the mind games etc are causing my insecurities to creep up on me and I turn into a real needy mess almost demanding reassurance right that second otherwise I go off on one.. I realise this is natural and there are reasons behind this but I truly hate the person that I am. Even more so, I see more and more reasons as to why we shouldn’t be together but yet it STILL isn’t enough for me to walk away!!!!!!!!!!! This makes me so angry!!!!!!! It is soooo much easier when he walked, because then I can just sulk but have to deal with it, but when it’s in my hands its almost as though I can’t bare to carry the weight of that decision because ‘what if?’…

    I know birthdays and special occasions are tough, remember when I went through it back in October?! I did not enjoy one moment of it and frankly I am so glad the day came and went as quickly as it did. It may not be enjoyable, but try to remember that you will be surrounded by people that love and care about you. I hope the day comes and goes quickly for you too and that 2019 has a better birthday in store for you! (I’m hoping the same for me!)

    Have you got much planned for your week off then?!

     

    #266319

    Shelbyville
    Participant

    <p style=”text-align: left;”>Kkasxo,</p>
    Thanks so much for the kind words, they’re a great comfort. Probably more than you know!

    I’m still in the phase, even at 10wks, that I would welcome a reconciliation with him. However, it’s easy to say that now as it’s hypothetical. If it came down to reality, I’d probably be very scared and wary. Such is the complexity of emotions, the heart and the mind.

    I’m a little wiped from therapy today myself. There were no new insights as such but I expressed my concern that in 6 months or a year, I feel Ill still feel exactly the same. My therapist is very understanding and talks me through it as best he can. I’m not craving contact this evening like previous evenings, I’m actually just too drained to feel much of anything.

    Its so funny, many times you have posted too, I have thought to myself that are we the same person! So many similar scenarios for us, albeit different in other ways. If my ex wanted to live abroad, which he often hinted, I would pack up my closet and be gone with him! What am I like?! I’m definitely not in a position to afford anything independently myself, things are so expensive! Totally geared again single people 🙁

    Ive been thinking about other opportunities in my field and I will probably change job next year, but right now it’s stability and familiarity. I know I know, excuses excuses! But there is so much change in my life right now, I can only handle so much at a time.

    Its really difficult getting back into a relationship, when you’re on edge. When I got back together with my ex, I made a point of being positive, of making him see the woman he was first attracted to- fun, flirty and no drama. That was important for me too as I was tired of the drama and feeling upset during our split. So try and talk to yourself each day and say positive things, it’s amazing how much impact that can have. If you feel that your insecurities about the relationship are becoming too much, it doesn’t take long before it becomes apparent anyway.

    We’ve had some sad news about a relative today too who had a fall and then a stroke. So we’re waiting on news, but I’m hoping she will be ok. She’s elderly though, so it might be tough for her to recover, but it’s occupying my mind a bit this evening.

    As for next week, I had planned to visit a special evening event at the zoo for my bday! But it’s with my cousin, and it’s her nana that’s fallen ill, so I’m not sure if we’ll go. Oh, I’ve been invited to a really small intimate morning gig with one of my fav singers too on one of the mornings, which I’m looking forward to. And finally, my sister has a work thing to go to a few hours away in a really scenic area and invited me for the trip as her work is paying for the hotel. She’ll be at the event but I love the location so I’ll potter about by myself. At least those things will pass most of the week!

    Have you any plans for this weekend coming?

    #266525

    Victoria
    Participant

    Hi Kkasxo, Shelby,

    I am back. We lasted a week and now I back at square one. *sigh*

    I need to find a therapist pronto and book a holiday.

    Tomorrow I have a job interview which I am stressing about because I can only just about pay my rent this month and I need something to occupy my anxious mind.

     

    – V

    #266611

    Kkasxo
    Participant

    Shelby,

    I’m sorry to hear about your relative! I hope all is well and wishing her a speedy recovery!

    I know the feeling of ‘nothing’ all too well. It’s quite scary at times when I get like that. It makes me think, have I really endured so much that my body has said enough is enough, you will not feel anything from this point on?! But I suppose that’s bound to happen. The whole process of withdrawal from someone, the heartbreak is utterly exhausting and unlike anything I have experienced in my life! Enjoy the reprieve while it lasts!

    I understand the job is familiar at the moment and that’s okay but the fact that you are thinking about a change in the new year is amazing. You have acknowledged that you need more of a challenging position, somewhere where you can grow and develop and that is a great first step! I hope you enjoy the oncoming weeks of familiarity and enter the new year with a new mindset, fresh start! I for one cannot wait for this year to be over. 2018 has been the toughest year of my life so far, one I will never forget but hope to learn to accept as a part of my life! So I am counting down for the end! We are so close!

    I have promised myself that 2019 will be my year. A year full of self discovery and development. Trying to learn about myself again. After all of the events of 2018 I feel I am a completely different person and I need to get to know her from scratch. What am I really about now?! What is it I want from my life? What makes me happy?! 2019 will be all about me and my happiness. I will no longer put others first like I always do! (I hope I can put this into practice)

    Aww I’m glad you’ve got loads of plans for your week off! Also the trip away with your sister sounds amazing! I love things like that!

    I am probably going to be staying indoors as trying to be sensible with my money with Christmas fast approaching! I’m going to be trying to sort all my presents over the next few weeks and have quite a long list! I can’t wait to spend Christmas with my God son (he’s 4) but I don’t go back home that often so I have never actually spent Christmas with him! I am looking forward to seeing my brother, aunties, cousins and my nanny!

    Victoria – welcome back hun! I hope all goes well at your job interview! Let us know how it goes! Also sorry to hear about your relationship! What’s happened?!

     

     

     

    #266777

    Shelbyville
    Participant

    Kkasxo,

    Today was my final presentation of the three I had to do. It went okay I think and I’m glad I did it and they’re over, but I cried the whole way home. I woke up with a deep sadness today and a sense of being lost and empty, which seemed to be worse after the presentation was over. I almost texted him this evening to act like we were, like it’s totally cool to just pick up the phone and contact him like I always used to!!!

    I really can’t figure this out, people telling me it will take time etc. My feelings have not changed one bit since 10 weeks ago. So basically, what’s the method here? Anyone heartbroken recoveree out there that can guide through the process? So is it a case of you have an overwhelming need to contact them and talk to them but you just resist and resist and resist and it goes away? Or is this not particularly usual in these scenarios? It’s so hard to figure out the right thing to do right now. My head says move on and forget as much as possible, my heart says run to him, even if it means more pain.

    It’s funny, I don’t know if I want time to move forward. I hate this time of year, and am much looking forward to the spring, but in another way, the future looks so bleak for me, that I’m in no rush to be alone without him, which is where I am already, but it’s weird complicated craziness on my part!!

    Also, can you believe the words out of your mouth – or keyboard –  all the positive things you plan to do for YOU next year. That’s monumental. To even have the self=awareness at this stage, after all you’ve been through to have such a positive outlook. You’re doing amazing and I hope therapy is helping and not draining you too much.

    Christmas with your family will be great, being around family is a major blanket for me at the moment. I genuinely would be lost without them, especially my sister and her husband and toddler and my Dad. But they want me to feel better and happier – for my sake – and I’m trying, but nothing is budging much.

     

    Victoria, how are you? Good luck with the job interview. Is there a counselling service attached to your college? There used to be a free service when I was in college for students having a tough time.

    #266893

    Kkasxo
    Participant

    Shelby,

    Firstly, well done on completing all of your presentations! You are one amazing lady! (I personally couldn’t have done it!) & don’t worry too much about the crying part after, it’s probably you just releasing all of your emotions! The build up to these presentations along with not being able to share it with the ex, it’s a lot. Give yourself a pat on the back. You did it, you survived, you’re amazing!

    You’re absolutely right, it is extremely difficult to figure out the right thing to do, it is. No matter how much advice people give there isn’t a guideline for these things. Heartbreak is such a personal and deeply hurtful experience I think everyone goes through their own motions. I know it’s much easier said than done but try to not focus so much on the tomorrow and instead focus on the here and now. What can I do right this moment to make me feel a little tad brighter? It can be anything from listening to a favourite song, eating a type of food you like, whatever it may be. Those little moments will eventually fill your days with things that make you feel better. Also, distraction distraction distraction. This is something I covered in my therapy session today. I realised my body is got such a god damn good coping mechanism – barriers & distraction. It’s just a shame that when the reality catches up with me it breaks me into tiny pieces every time.

    I feel absolutely worn this evening. My therapy sessions are located 5 mins away from my ex’s house (I know what a shitty place). He suggested that as it will be a emotional day for me for me to come and stay the night. I accepted of course, welcomed the comfort how could I not (absolute fool). So after my therapy session, feeling worn and emotionally drained I arrived at his house and his house seemed to have been full of people. His brothers wife, her two kids and his sister (who I no longer wish to have any kind of relations with following the traumatic event over the summer), baring in mind I haven’t seen her since. So he suggested that we go and do some shopping while they finish up dinner and leave. Again, like the ‘good little girl’ that I am I agreed and off we went. We were wandering around for about 2 hours upon which I said I will just drop him home and make my way back home myself because I’m tired and drained and i can’t be bothered to play the hiding games. No he insisted that I come in. He went indoors to check if everyone had left but his sister was still there (I was waiting in the car, really hoping to avoid seeing her as it would all be too much for me). He then sent me a text from indoors saying okay just come in, let’s not make this awkward blah blah blah. Then his brother arrived, again, someone I haven’t seen in months and approached me. I almost felt smothered in pity sitting in my car too awkward to go inside. This whole time all I wanted for him to do is to come outside and be by my side as we walk in.. no he remained indoors sending me text after text ‘are you coming?! Cmon!!! It’s getting awkward now that you’re leaving it this long’

    The stress of everything got so overwhelming I actually started having a panic attack in my car, shaking and crying and I left. I just drove off.

    I wanted to go inside. But I wanted him next to me, standing his ground, ‘she is here whether you like it or not’ (me & his sister will never get on again). Rather than hiding around, driving around shopping to avoid all interaction.

    I’m so tired Shelby. Honestly, every little aspect of anything right now is a constant reiteration of why this will never work. Please, I need some kind of arrow to struck me or something to just give me the strength to stop trying. Too much has happened. I can’t wven face his family members who are oh so important to him and he will never ever set boundaries between that. He’ll never stand by me how I need him to. And to top it off I feel even worse now because I feel his sister has the absolute upper hand. She knew I was supposed to be coming in and I drove home instead. She’s probably thinking yes! She’s scared of me! Or I’ve intimidated her!

    Im sorry for rambling on. I could be blowing things out of proportion & completely over exxagerated throughout the situation but it just got too much for me, fight or flight and all that!

    I feel tiny..

     

    #266993

    Shelbyville
    Participant

    Kkasxo,

    That’s not blown out of proportion whatsoever. That’s unacceptable. Look it, ye are trying to give it another go and that in itself is hard enough, it’s even worse having to deal with all the extra sh*t also. I remember when I originally reunited with my ex, I kept it to just us for a couple of months. I just didn’t have the energy or capability to deal with all the family stuff too, and in my situation, his family were DELIGHTED we reunited. In your case, they are not warm and welcoming people.

    I think you did the right thing, for you. Despite what anyone else thinks. It’s was a sh*tty situation that you didn’t feel comfortable in, so you removed yourself from that rotten scenario. You can always get your ex to tell his sister that you were on the phone in the car to a family member who needed you and had to dash away as they needed your help.

    It’s difficult I know, the whole situation seems so difficult, but it doesn’t seem as though much has changed in practical terms. Living at home with his family is already still causing problems and essentially, he’s not who you need him to be. You needed a guy who stood by your side yesterday, who took care of you and made YOU his priority, but that didn’t happen. You, like me, want it to be fixed, to be better, for our ex to be better for what we want. But people keep telling me, I cant MAKE him into something he’s not, I tried for two more years and he still wasn’t capable of being who I really really really want him to be.

    Now I’m still at the stage where I’d accept who he is as good enough for me, but that decision is out of my hands, because he broke up with me. The decision is still yours, but will it continue to be scenarios where you end up feeling like absolute crap like yesterday.

    I explained to my therapist before that my ex used to tell me when we were alone together that everything about us felt ‘right’. I too had the exact same feeling, we’d be lying on the bed talking and it just felt so ‘right’ to be with him. But my therapist pointed out what I said…..he said I felt it was right ‘when it was just us’…but he says that’s not how the real world works. Humans are made up of everything about them, their families, their jobs, their friends life circumstances etc. A couple can’t exist independently of the rest of the every day world. And he’s right, my ex and I were magical alone, but his life started to infiltrate things – naturally enough- his commitment to his family, his living arrangements, his lack of desire to live alone with me etc and therefore, the cracks appeared.

    Your ex needs to make some changes – action speaks louder than words – if ye are to go forward and have a solid and healthy future together. That’s just my view of it, but it could be total balderdash as I’m not in your relationship and I know how difficult the ins and outs of it can be. I just don’t want to see you where I am. I hoped and hoped and things didn’t change, despite him telling me what I wanted to hear and inevitably, he knew he couldn’t stall or remain vague any longer and didn’t want to fight, so he bailed.

    I think you have immeasurable potential. Genuinely. Smart, astute, caring, kind, funny and young! So many possibilities for your future.

     

    S x

    #266997

    Kkasxo
    Participant

    Shelby,

    You are absolutely right. I mean his mum and dad have been welcoming and are glad that I am back in their lives. I had no choice but to see/speak to them as he lives with them. Everyone else is all too much for me. His sister for me played a big role in the events of the summer and as a result left a sour taste. I genuinely do not wish to have a relationship with her and I have expressed this to my ex. I assured that I would be civil, a simple Hi and Bye will be sufficient – he agreed. But yesterday all got a bit too much for me and today as I think of the events of yesterday I just feel even more defeated.

    His mum also txt me last night saying that I should’ve just come in, it wasn’t a problem and that I should come back. I simply said another time..

    I know his sister is happy with herself as she has the upper hand now. She knows that I felt vulnerable and pushed into a corner yesterday, a big reminder of exactly how I felt back in the summer. It’s awful and has completely made me withdraw. I went home and sobbed my eyes out yesterday suddenly feeling so small, just like I did over the summer and + had all the emotions which were brought up from my therapy session hours earlier.

    Despite the many texts he sent me last night saying he would like for me to come back and that the situation has been blown out of proportion and that he doesn’t want me to sit in anxiety by myself I have chosen to ignore. I am not ready to speak with him because it will be like verbal diarrhoea of how he failed me YET AGAIN!!! I understand perhaps he didn’t mean to fail me and his good intentions were there but it just didn’t workout as planned.

    I wish I was as strong as you and just got on with moving on with my life.. It appears nothing big enough ever happens for me to actually say to myself ‘No, enough is enough, no more trying!’. It was a hell of a lot easier when he just walked away and was adamant that we will never work again. I wish he did the same now..

    Also, thank you for your kind words. I can’t quite associate all those things with myself right now. I used to always be this strong almost mouthy woman who stood her ground at all times and feeling so small last night has reminded me just how much I have changed. I hate the woman I have become.

    Anyway enough about me. How are YOU today?! It’s Friday!

    #267015

    Shelbyville
    Participant

    Kkasxo,

    You’re in an impossible situation and handling it as best you can. I definitely wouldn’t be able to handle it as well as you are right now. I still think it comes back to the situation where ye need to live together now. Alone. Develop your own life as a couple that has no interference from family responsibilities etc.

    Also, you are entitled to feel how you feel. Feelings can rarely controlled and one thing I learned many years ago after the end of a friendship and I read it somewhere and thought it was so apt…..if someone tells you that you’ve hurt them, you don’t get to tell them that you didn’t! Feelings are feelings, and you were entitled to feel how you felt last evening and saying that ‘it’s blown out of proportion is minimising your feelings and your importance.

    I used to dim down my feelings sometimes with my ex because he had such difficulty with emotion and I realise that wasn’t healthy. He should have loved me as I am, emotions and all. Stay away from the sister, there’s no need for you to be friends. As I wrote previously, I thought I got on really really well with my ex’s sister who lives abroad until a recent family event showed she was far sharper than I knew and she hurt me. So I decided, that’s it, I’m not putting myself into a situation where I can be hurt by her again. At the time though my ex was absolutely staunchly angry at his sister and though he’s not one for confrontation ever, he just stopped talking to her and responding to her contact. Even after we split, when I had that conversation on the phone with him and I explained that his sister had texted me, he apologised that she had been in contact and said he didn’t realise she had contacted me because he still hadn’t spoken to her really since that weekend.

    So he didn’t do a lot to make me his future but he stuck up for me, even when I suggested NOT being angry with his sister, he took my side. My sisters husband has a big family he loves but will always stand by my sis first and foremost, both my sisters husbands actually. I think that’s the way its meant to be.

    It might be just a bit too soon to be thrown back into all the family situation at his house yet, maybe keep to meeting in your place or neutral ground.

    The funny thing is, anyone reading my thread will think I’m such a doormat, would accept anything from my ex now, even if it’s not what I deserve, I always made him the priority etc and they’re not wrong. But I used to be well able to go. I traveled alone and have so many friends and family to this day, but everything is different now. Back then I didn’t know what I was missing, ignorance was bliss. Now I know what it’s like to be with him, being without him just seems so dreary and dull. I’m not dealing well with it at all. I’m either in denial or despair.

    It might be easier for you if your ex walked away, but it hasn’t been any easier for me. I always want things to work, to control things, how do I control this? How do I make it work when I can’t control him? I’m not coming to terms with that at all. It’s getting worse each day to be honest. Know clue what to do, advice is that thoughts control feelings, so change your thoughts, so then I try and be positive and distract – but then they say you have to feel the pain to work through it- so i’m all over the place!

    If time would do it, fine…I’ll wait. But 10 weeks later, nothing has changed. I’ll give it another 10 weeks and see, but I’m not convinced!

    I plan to stay with my sister tonight, although I’m actually exhausted. But she’s heavily pregnant and has a toddler so I try to help on weekends with getting up early with the toddler so his mum and dad can have much needed hour or two extra in bed. But tomorrow, I wouldn’t mind an hour or two extra in bed myself! But I’ll be fine. As for tomorrow and Sunday, I’ve no plans yet – I’ll have to think of something. Sunday evening my family and I are supposed to be going for dinner for my birthday which is on Monday, but we’re not sure at the moment as we are waiting on news of our elderly relative who is extremely unwell.

    Would you go back to the gym later to vent out some of the stuff circling in your head?

    #267027

    Kkasxo
    Participant

    Shelby,

    Yes you’re definitely right. Perhaps it is all too soon to have any interaction/contact with his family. I suppose in a way I knew i’d have to bump into them because of his living situation and I was okay with a casual Hi and Bye interaction, as that is the absolute necessity. What I am not okay with is feeling such anguish standing outside his front door that I end up having a panic attack and fleeing the location all together. Although I understand the situation was out of his control and yes I probably reacted more intensely than normal I didn’t appreciate that he allowed it to escalate. He literally could’ve sat with me for a moment and helped me breathe through it and said it’s okay, I understand this is a lot for you BUT you are here for me. I am here for you. You’re not here to see anyone else so just come in say hello and off we go up to my room, no further interactions. But I think where his family were standing over him and were like where is she? ‘She’s looking for parking..’ then before we knew it 30 minutes was gone and everyone started asking questions, that was putting additional pressure on me as I didn’t feel ready to stroll in there and so I thought it’s better for my sanity to just leave. I keep replaying it in my head and the thing that angers me the most is the fact that I know his sister feels she has the upper hand, the fact that he allowed that to happen!!!!

    I think heartbreak is a little more complicated than we actually think. Maybe actually part of the process is to be stuck in a certain phase for a while? Although I do think that it goes back to what I previously said, unanswered questions, especially for people like you and I who need to be in control of everything at all times. I do believe it may be beneficial to write him a letter/email/text releasing every single thing that you are feeling. Don’t expect a response as it is likely you wont get one but know that at least those feelings are no longer trapped within you, instead he is fully aware of what you are feeling and you’ll feel all better for it. What do you think?

    Aren’t you such a good sister?! It’s always nice to spend time with your niece/nephew aswell! I love doing things like that, especially in my low times as it makes me feel helpful and needed when I feel the complete opposite!

    Ah yes I remember you mentioned about your relative. How is she?!

    I’m due to be meeting up with a friend who I haven’t seen for some months this evening for a few drinks. I can most definitely use the reprieve of listening to someone else’s problems other than mine so i’m looking forward to that! Other than that nothing else planned for the rest of the weekend. I’ll have to think of something. Maybe get some more Christmas shopping done!

    #267147

    Shelbyville
    Participant

    Kkasxo,

    Thats the MOST frustrating thing isn’t it, when we have an idea in our head of how a situation should have gone or how they should have behaved but didn’t. That happened me a lot. I often got upset when he just didn’t do exactly as I had imagined in my head. It will continue to cause frustration I think, I’m sure you’ve already explained outright what you need him to do?

    I don’t think you over reacted to be honest. You just reacted and there is nothing wrong with your feelings. Nothing wrong with having feelings, especially after all the trauma you’ve been through. I’d zone most of the ‘noise’ out.

    Never mind his sister – mind over matter- you don’t mind cos she don’t matter! If she feels she has the upper hand, let her think that. It won’t serve her. It’s pointless for her to have that attitude and that will transpire in time.

    Some days I really really want to let my ex know my thoughts – for various reasons. I hate the idea that he’s fine, that he’s already gone about planning some of his future on his own and here I am like a right fool aching and heartbroken and STILL talking about it. So I might drag him back to the drama so he doesn’t get to sail off into the sunset so easily- bad I know, but it’s part of how I feel. Also, I feel like it was all so abrupt and while talking about it won’t change it, I cling to the idea it will do…..something. I dunno. There is nothing more to say I guess. It is what it is but in some ways I want him to know how much he has hurt me. But what stops me completely is pride.

    I’m in pieces, I’m empty and I feel lost without him, I’m unhappy and don’t see a bright future, but I feel that him not knowing how badly I’m coping is the ONLY grain of dignity I have left. That he would view me as pathetic or weak if he really knew what was going on with me. So there lies the dilemma!

    My little nephew is in bed now but I can’t wait to see him in the morning!

    My elderly relative passed away the poor thing, but she lived a long long life and it was peaceful. So that has given comfort to her immediate family.

    My heart betrayingly wonders if I will hear anything from him on my birthday on Monday. 99.9 per cent chance I won’t – why would I. But hope just won’t give up. Or delusion. I’m gonna try and think of ways to stay distracted this weekend.

Viewing 15 posts - 601 through 615 (of 656 total)

You must be logged in to reply to this topic. Please log in OR register.