Hi papioman,

I’m also 27 and feeling a bit directionless. Just wanted to send you some support and tell you that you aren’t alone. I’m not in any position to tell you what you should do, but I can empathize with feeling so at peace with everything and then losing it and feeling like nothing you do is “in step” with the Universe. I also came close to suicide, there is something about it that makes it seem like a solution, the certainty of death vs the uncertainty of continuing to live, maybe. Even if you’re unsure about teaching English, it IS a step and in my limited experience, that is better than standing still. It’s that “leap” people are always talking about. If you were sure it was going to work out, it wouldn’t be so unnerving, but I think that accepting the challenge, accepting that the outcome might not be what you want, is what gives you the sort of strength and momentum you’re looking for. The path comes and goes, I think. I don’t think we ever really lose it, we just stop seeing it from time to time. I hope that helps, and I am wishing good things for you.

Wow, mefisto. I was going to read some replies to a post I made and then I saw yours and had to stop. Five years ago my ex-boyfriend cheated on me with my best friend. We were together for 3 years. I had only been friends with her for 4 years, but I loved her dearly and she was one of my favorite people in the world. After it happened, I really wanted to die. My hatred was like a deep acidic sickness, I had so many violent, awful fantasies. And I hated myself. I blamed myself for such a long time and I still do sometimes, even now knowing it wasn’t my fault.

And it absolutely is not your fault. Everything people said to me after I went through it: “it’s not your fault,” “the feelings will pass,” “you’ll be okay,” I didn’t believe them at the time, but they’re all true. I just had to work at it. You’re doing the right thing, coming to places like Tiny Buddha and talking to people about what happened, not wanting to be swallowed up by bitterness. These are all good signs. I wish I had better advice, but all I can say is even if you feel like nothing good will ever happen again, please do not hurt or kill yourself. Keep a suicide hotline on speed dial. I did that and it saved my life. And just keep trying. If you are depressed and angry and miserable, that’s really okay, let it happen, just don’t completely give up looking for help and ways to get better. You will see the other side of this.