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Lester

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Viewing 15 posts - 1 through 15 (of 26 total)
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  • in reply to: I'm not sure I could hold on to her #175271
    Lester
    Participant

    I’m also afraid that all of this has nothing to do with her sexual past. That I’m just addicted to feeling miserable. I have great things going for me if I just don’t think about the past. But yet, I can’t help but hold on.

    If this is the case, then I’d be letting go of something that could have been wonderful. I’m old enough to know that nothing is ever perfect. Maybe I just focus too much on things that are not perfect rather than the things that are.

    in reply to: I'm not sure I could hold on to her #175269
    Lester
    Participant

    Thank you Anita for your advice. No matter what, it hurts. And it’s difficult. Thank you for your kind words. I really appreciate all the advice.

    in reply to: I'm not sure I could hold on to her #175263
    Lester
    Participant

    I feel like I’ve used her this way just to experience what it’s like to have a girlfriend.

    in reply to: I'm not sure I could hold on to her #175259
    Lester
    Participant

    I remain nice and happy around her. I do nice things for her like cooking dinner sometimes breakfast. Taking her on dates. We found that we like to go bike riding on the weekends. Those moments makes me feel so happy being with a person like her. I’ve been talking less lately and I think she is sensing that something is off with me.

    in reply to: I'm not sure I could hold on to her #175253
    Lester
    Participant

    No, she doesn’t volunteer information about her past. She knows how I feel about them. There was a couple of times I over heard talking about going to parties and clubs and never been pregnant before. But little things like that disturbs me. It reminds me of her previous sex life and nasty images come to my head. Even as little thing as her saying her ex boyfriend left his jacket in her place one time, I think of all sorts of things that make me jealous just hearing that.

    in reply to: I'm not sure I could hold on to her #175241
    Lester
    Participant

    I hide it away from her. I don’t want to hurt her with how I feel.

    in reply to: I'm not sure I could hold on to her #175223
    Lester
    Participant

    She is nothing but sweet to me. I don’t want to let her down.

    in reply to: I'm not sure I could hold on to her #175221
    Lester
    Participant

    It’s just so hard because she just recently moved in with me. Now I feel like I like I’m a big mistake. She feels guilty of all her mistakes in the past already. I don’t want to be another person in her life letting her down.

    in reply to: Confused and don't want to hurt my girlfriend #174421
    Lester
    Participant

    I’ve been telling myself that everyday. And it’s been working for me so far. I just tell myself that despite everything ‘she helps me grow as a person, and she worth this battle’.

    Thank you again Anita. I really appreciate you letting me release some of this burden by talking about it here.

    • This reply was modified 4 years, 11 months ago by Lester.
    in reply to: Confused and don't want to hurt my girlfriend #174409
    Lester
    Participant

    I’m afraid that I will hurt her if I bring this up. We already talked about it before and I can feel that it hurts her as she feels I’m judging her even though I tried to talk to her about it as responsibly as I could.

    I don’t want to keep hurting her by bringing it up. But now I’m left battling this on my own.

    in reply to: Confused and don't want to hurt my girlfriend #174387
    Lester
    Participant

    Thank you Anita, you always have best things to say.

    I do care about her very much. But, the images in my head does cause me pain. Every time we have sex, I picture her doing the same thing to her ex and I get very jealous and gives me unpleasant feelings. It also hurts me that before me, she went out on clubs and had casual sex at some point of her life.

    I understand that this is my own head making myself miserable as she is nothing but kind and sweet to me. And, I do the same for her. I do care for her so much hence the reason why I keep these thoughts away from her. But, everyday is a battle. She makes me so happy when I’m just being with her, but it also hurts.

    It helps the more I understand her past though. The more I understand where she comes from, the more it makes sense why she doesn’t see sex the same way I do. I see sex as something hard to attain and should only be done with special people. It hurts me that she did it with people so casually in the past.

    in reply to: Confused and don't want to hurt my girlfriend #173771
    Lester
    Participant

    I do have a sexual past. But this is the reason why I feel so bad. I’ve never had a girlfriend before but I have paid for sex (This is why I feel so bad for judging). That’s my only sexual experience.

    I’m very jealous. I’m jealous because I don’t feel all that special being her nth boyfriend. I’m very jealous cause I didn’t meet her earlier in my life. I’m jealous that all the names she calls me and the things we say to each other she has been through multiple times. She calls me “cutie”. I look at her instagram in the past, she has called her ex’s “cutie”. It’s so hard trusting that all of it is real. She has fallen in love many times.

    I’ve never had a girlfriend. I’ve never had to call someone babe, or do special things for someone. Every time she does special things for me, I wonder how many times she has done that before. I wonder every day if she really finds me attractive, or staying with me because I’m nice, safe, and have my life together. Nice and safe, because she knows someone like me would never cheat, lie, and have a promising future. It’s true, I can never cheat and I’ve given up lying for good.

    I wonder everyday if I’m just a big rebound from all the wrong “attractive” guys she has been with.

    I guess my ego wants to feel special. My ego wants to know there is something special about me.

    I guess all of this, is just me having so much trouble I can be attractive to someone other than what I can provide. It’s just so painful to think that could be the case. It makes me just breakdown and cry.

    Lester
    Participant

    Thank you very much Anita and Craig. This is a new territory for me but I’m determined to continue to succeed in my career as well as have a long and great relationship with Bre.

    Lester
    Participant

    Update: so we got together again Friday, basically doing the same thing but doing it sober. We went out and had lots of laughter and silliness and we went back to my apartment and had sex. When we woke up in the morning, I asked her to be my girlfriend and she agreed. So she is my girlfriend now.

    Now, my question is how will my relationship with my friends that are girls but also girls I was pursuing change? Before Bre and I happened, I made sure to make friends with a lot of girls. I thought it would increase my odds of finding someone. I’ve made plans with these girls before Bre and I happened. I agreed to go on a road-trip with some girl. And, I agreed to a date with another girl that is coming back from a month long vacation. I also am in regular text messages with other girls.

    Just to be clear, I did not agree to these plans after Bre an I had our Friday accidental date. So, how do I deal with this situation? Should I tell Bre this? How would a girl view this kind of behavior? How do I cancel my plans with these other girls?

    Lester
    Participant

    I’m not really in a hurry. It’s just that I wanted to be clear that my interest is sexual. I’ve had a very painful experience where I liked a friend of mine and we became very good friends and had lots of fun but she never considered me as a sexual partner. I try and tell the girls I like that I’m sexually attracted to them early to avoid what happened before. That way they can reject me early on and I have a lot less time that I’ve invested and I can heal much earlier and faster.

    But yea, I’m not rushing anything at all. She called me yesterday about hanging out tomorrow, but I told her I couldn’t because I really am busy tomorrow. We scheduled for Friday instead. Haven’t talked to her since.

Viewing 15 posts - 1 through 15 (of 26 total)