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Lilly

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  • #290079

    Lilly
    Participant

    Yes I suppose, I use it as a defense mechanism. I am just sort of lost feeling right now, I feel almost betrayed and heartbroken?

    #282271

    Lilly
    Participant

    Well basically we were just messing around, and lately shes been bitter and just creating problems. And she basically meant that she doesnt think that I love her, and then she listed a whole bunch of things I do that shows her that I don’t love her, just gaslighting me. And Im just guilty, but at the same time I know that I’m not in the wrong.  And thats the wake up call, that shes an emotional abuser, maybe not as servere as others, but she definetly is

    #281691

    Lilly
    Participant

    That makes sense, to answer your question about my grandma, she pretty much emotionally abuses me. Shes constantly fluctuating from being sweet and all lovey to like putting me down, trying to get me in trouble with my mom, making rude comments.

    Like last night she and I were talking about the oscars or whatever going back and forth, not fighting but in a discussion, and I was like ” haha I love you” like just in the moment, and she got serious and was like ” No, no you dont, you’re lying”. She was like dead serious. And to be honest shes said that before and I was hurt, but this time it was a genuine wake up call.

    The thing I struggle with is how to maintain this relationship or how to handle all this.

    #235439

    Lilly
    Participant

    Yeah I can say I’ve distanced myself from all that crap. I’m now feeling lonely, it just feels like no one genuinely wants to check in with me, I’m just the happy goofy person that everyone likes having around but it’s like inside I’m just so confused tired angry and like alone, I’m not quite sure on what to do, I’ve removed some of the toxic people in my life but now I find myself alone, I’ve grown close to my senior friends but it’s like now I’m getting sad because next year I’ll be even more alone, I just want someone to genuinely care for me and to love me , whether it be in my love life or in friendships… help??

    #230153

    Lilly
    Participant

    Hey! Seems to me like this was a big step moving away to college… I think a big chunk of this anxiety you are feeling is that you are uncomfortable and scared of being in this new place, maybe you need to first feel comfortable in you’re new environment. Just think of everything you need to do, write down you’re “tasks” down like a grocery list. It’s like grocery shopping, sometimes it looks like it’s going to take you forever to get everything for the week, but once you start grabbing stuff it doesn’t seem that bad. You probably don’t want to hear this but people grow apart. Especially in college. It’s okay to realize you don’t want something anymore. I think you need to make that grocery list and along the way things will start making sense, don’t freak out… Things change.

    #229961

    Lilly
    Participant

    yea, that sounds pretty spot on. I had an incident where someone called me something rude out of no where, and none of my friends defended, in the moment I kinda laughed because this girl was like, wow. she came out of no where. The thing she called me didn’t bother me because I’m secure enough that I know its not true. So anyway, later some people had asked me after what had happened and I told them in a private text chat, I didn’t bad mouth her, I basically said what happened and said its fine whatever. Some of my friends who weren’t there kinda went off and said harsh things about this girl out of pure shock. I kinda caved and vented but I didn’t say anything to like offend her, it was more like,”wow I can’t believe she did that, that just shows you who she is”. It was one of those things where the who situation made me more mad the more I thought of it. So then the next day one of my best friends who was sitting next to me when that whole thing went down, she texts me and is like “hey maybe you shouldn’t talk bad about so and so, because this person might tell this person, who might tell this person. And like shes right but the thing that sets me off is that, 1) i didnt talk bad about her, i didnt say anything i would regret 2) the person who she thinks might tell someone, would never, he probably wasnt even reading the texts 3) shes my best friend and didnt even defend me, where as I have gone out of my way to stick up for her when people we hating on her for no good reason, and its like now when something happens she doesnt want to be caught or seen as being a part of the group who was apalled by what this girl did to me?

    i dont know this is just a tid bit of why I’m starting to resent my friends. I just feel like I’ve put so much love and effort to be the best, most supportive, and its just like no one cares to say anything when it matters. Its just one of those eye-opening moments with people where it shows how far they’re willing to go and stick their neck out for you.

    so yea in other words, i think you’re right when you say I feel trapped, unseen, unheard.

    and to answer your question to what the verse in the song that really is a spot on description of what I’m feeling, is that hes basically talking about killing himself but he’s scared of knives so he says he could drive recklessly swerving off the interstate yelling about how he hates his friends. then he goes to talk about how he had an identity crisis.

    Im not saying im suicidal, im just really feeling lost, angry, alone, used.

Viewing 6 posts - 1 through 6 (of 6 total)