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My mom got engaged

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This topic contains 4 replies, has 3 voices, and was last updated by  anita 4 months, 3 weeks ago.

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  • #290013

    Lilly
    Participant

    So like it literally happened like an hour ago. She got engaged. I’m 16 and my parents have been divorced since I was 4 years old so not much trama from that. Over the years it has naturally gotten nasty at times but overall they actually have had probably one of the best relationships I know of for a divorced couple. Around the start of 5th grade my dad dated this woman named Kay and it was a pretty shit relationship but it didn’t get there til she moved in. (It was a long distance and they went out for like 1 1/2 years before getting engaged. Basically it was shitty she was a horrible person and treated me like shit. She was selfish, poisoned my mom and dads friendship and me and my dads in a way. Literally that probably scarred me and kind of traumatized me for good. Now that I’m 16 I am a little more mature and confident. I am more outspoken with my feelings towards my parents relationships. My parents have pretty much dated around all my life, my mom more than my dad. Anyways right now I’m in shock. I honestly feel sick to my stomach and am like shaking. I am having like a really mild panic attack and was crying earlier. My mom literally came in my room and just shows me the ring and is like look what just happened. So I was never seriously talked to or asked for permission or whatever. Literally only with my mom just in a casual jokingly way. My mom always told me that it would most likely happen after I graduated high school. So like you can Imagine the shock I am in. I honestly just felt like getting this off my chest and am in some need for like some advice and comforting words? They have been going out for about a year and a half. I like him I think he’s cool but I honestly am just having ptsd from my dads engagement. I am happy for my mom but like I’m not in a celebritory mood and I’m having a mini panic attack… help?

    #290019

    Inky
    Participant

    Hi Lilly,

    I am so sorry. I have been there. It’s almost my story.

    Only crappy people will try to drive a wedge between a parent and a child. Glad Kay is gone. (She is, right?)

    Guys are dopes, they are quick to propose. Your mom sounds immature. Sorry, mom!

    Hopefully your mom is just immature and the guy is not crappy.

    It DOES get better. I promise you!

    There is one bright side to this engagement that your aren’t seeing yet because you are so young. When your mom gets sick, HE is the one who will be there. She is less likely to be broke, or in trouble because HE will be there to take care of it. What can happen is mothers and only daughters can get so entwined that by the time you’re my age you would have no life. At least they’ll have each other, so YOU will be free to travel, move, etc.

    It will be OK. Your mom should have broken the news a lot better.

    Best,

    Inky

    • This reply was modified 4 months, 4 weeks ago by  Inky.
    #290029

    anita
    Participant

    Dear Lilly:

    Putting together information from this thread and your previous threads: you are now 16. When you were 4, your parents divorced and both your parents dated other people since, your mother more than your father. You live with your mother, her boyfriend (now engaged), and your critical, emotionally abusive grandmother.

    In your home, you feel the following: “trapped, unseen, unheard… lost, angry, alone, used… lonely.. like no one genuinely wants to check in with me, I’m just the happy goofy person that everyone likes having around but it’s like inside I’m just so confused tired angry and like alone… it just feels like they don’t SEE me… Feels like no one really takes the time to give a crap about me”.

    Reads like your mother’s priority has been the men in her life, her past relationships and now, her current, and her boyfriend’s priority is your mother, while your grandmother’s priority is to give everyone a hard time (or just you?)-

    – so you are no one’s priority at home, correct?

    I wonder what motivates you to act “happy goofy” when you feel sad and angry and lonely, is it because when you acted sad or angry you were criticized for it, so you act happy to avoid criticism?

    anita

    #290079

    Lilly
    Participant

    Yes I suppose, I use it as a defense mechanism. I am just sort of lost feeling right now, I feel almost betrayed and heartbroken?

    #290115

    anita
    Participant

    Dear Lilly:

    “betrayed and heartbroken”- that was my experience too, as a child and on. A child naturally loves those who take care of her, usually it is primarily the mother. The child looks up to her mother, loving her intensely, completely. Unfortunately this is often an unrequited love, not fully returned. Often the mother has higher priorities than her loving little girl. And it hurts, it is heartbreaking.

    But love is still there for you, available, just not easily found. There is just a little of it for you at home, but there is more of it elsewhere. If you see where love is not, you will be able to see where love is. For example, over time you may meet a young man who sees you as a high priority in his life. That will feel new to you and it will hurt because it will remind you how long you wanted that.

    See to it that as you meet people, particularly potential boyfriends, that you are discerning, that you don’t take just anything as evidence of love. Get to know the young man first as a friend, see that he does see you, that he does hear you and that he cares.

    anita

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