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I really just dont know anymore, how to solve any of these problems

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Viewing 7 posts - 1 through 7 (of 7 total)
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  • February 7, 2019 at 7:17 am #279175
    Lilly
    Participant

    so I’m back, haven’t been on here in a while. Things were somewhat good since September/November. I was talking to my old flame from the beginning of December and up to January. We literally spoke every night for like couple hours and throughout the day. Like it was honestly so refreshing to speak to someone new and we connected so well.

    And so one night I had fallen asleep and he texted something like “I might stop talking to you so that I don’t fuck up and get feelings”. and like honestly I was stunned to read that in the morning, but then I guess he was too, and well he apologized and said he didn’t even remember sending that, so whatever we moved on from that. So like all of a sudden we just stopped talking.

    So overall I’m just getting into this kind of depression-rut. My family is just always stressing me out. They just, I don’t know, I mean they love me but it just feels like they don’t SEE me. My grandma lives at my mom’s house along with my mom’s boyfriend. Everyone sort drives me crazy over there. My grandma is just such a manipulative person and I mostly block out her criticizing, mostly b/c I’m used to it by now. She’s just been such a negative person, and its kind of sad but Im falling out of love with her, or maybe i have?

    I have really good friends. They make me so happy when I see them. The thing is, I’m the kind of friend that wants to check up on you, make sure that you’re okay. Im not clingy just caring and loving towards my friends. I understand not everyone is exactly the same way, but literally *no one* texts me, besides my parents. Like it hurts my feelings. Feels like no one really takes the time to give a crap about me.

    So to tie all this together, I’m just kind of in this rut, like my friend’s don’t talk to me, don’t check on how I am. It’d be amazing if someone could at least ask how I was. Even the guy I’m probably in love with, don’tnt know why or how i guess talking i just kind fell for him again. but its like even he doesnt want to talk to me, because he likes me?! And it’s like then i go home and im just slowly becoming more and more miserable…. I really just don’t know how much longer until i go back into the dark place i was in in september. help?

    February 7, 2019 at 9:07 am #279211
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Lilly:

    You need to be seen (“it just feels like they don’t SEE me”).

    What if you make yourself seen in your next post, show me/ us more of what it is that you see at home: your grandmother, your mother, her boyfriend, what are they doing, what are they saying to each other and to you, what is happening there?

    anita

    February 8, 2019 at 10:59 am #279349
    Mark
    Participant

    Lilly,

    I like the Byron Katie quote, “If you argue with reality, you lose.”  The reality is that your friends don’t check up on you.  That your parents don’t SEE you.  The more you accept that this is the case, then you will not get all depressed about it.

    From an online article on Buddhism:
    Buddhism claims “Everything in life is temporary, arising and falling away.” Buddhism proposes a model of reality as a stream of events rather than a thing.
    Buddhism further claims “Clinging to temporary states causes suffering”. The problem is our tendency to cling to the past being different from the present, or cling to a view of the future that’s different than what we desire.
    Buddhism proposes a solution of acceptance: Come to terms with the past being gone, and the future being different from what you might desire. Accept it fully and eradicate suffering.
    From the standpoint of the present moment, you can absolutely activate your consciousness and your willpower to wisely respond to the current moment in a way that moves you towards a realistic and positive future.
    The great thing is that your friends and family care about you.  They may not show it in the way that you like.

    Feels like no one really takes the time to give a crap about me.  It seems that your Love Language is Quality Time.  I suggest two things: 1) Continue to reach out to those who care about you and spend time with them, 2) Find those who also have Quality Time as part of their Love Language.  Just because people don’t show their caring in the same Love Language as you, does not mean they don’t care about you.

    Ideally, it would be great if our family “gets” us but alas it cannot always be the case.  I would avoid those who bring negative energy into your life like your grandmother, at least until you are feeling more resourced for yourself.

    Mark

    • This reply was modified 5 years, 10 months ago by Mark.
    February 25, 2019 at 10:18 am #281691
    Lilly
    Participant

    That makes sense, to answer your question about my grandma, she pretty much emotionally abuses me. Shes constantly fluctuating from being sweet and all lovey to like putting me down, trying to get me in trouble with my mom, making rude comments.

    Like last night she and I were talking about the oscars or whatever going back and forth, not fighting but in a discussion, and I was like ” haha I love you” like just in the moment, and she got serious and was like ” No, no you dont, you’re lying”. She was like dead serious. And to be honest shes said that before and I was hurt, but this time it was a genuine wake up call.

    The thing I struggle with is how to maintain this relationship or how to handle all this.

    February 25, 2019 at 11:48 am #281761
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Lilly:

    I would like to understand that interaction better: last night you said “haha I love you”- were you saying that to your grandmother? And she responded with “no, no you don’t, you’re lying”-

    – what did she mean by it (based on your previous interactions with her) and what is the “genuine wake up call” you mentioned?

    anita

    February 28, 2019 at 12:04 pm #282271
    Lilly
    Participant

    Well basically we were just messing around, and lately shes been bitter and just creating problems. And she basically meant that she doesnt think that I love her, and then she listed a whole bunch of things I do that shows her that I don’t love her, just gaslighting me. And Im just guilty, but at the same time I know that I’m not in the wrong.  And thats the wake up call, that shes an emotional abuser, maybe not as servere as others, but she definetly is

    March 1, 2019 at 8:02 am #282371
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Lilly:

    Yes, I agree, your grandmother emotionally abuses you when she tells you that you don’t love her and then goes out of her way to prove that you don’t love her, listing all the ways…

    It reminds me of my mother, she too insisted that I didn’t love her and added, repeatedly, that I was trying to hurt her, and she listed the ways that I allegedly was trying to hurt her, intentionally. It was not at all true and it hurt so much to hear her say those things. I knew it wasn’t true that I was trying to hurt her, but I still believed her somewhat. I was conflicted and confused, hurt and scared and angry, a whole lot.

    anita

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