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Anita thank you for your patience.
I have a difficult time equating my feelings with “hate” when it comes to men. When I think of hate I think of something or someone you want nothing to do with.
I know that people are not thinking “oh she’s just defending herself” when I say some of the things I say but it truly is how I feel. I feel as if I am defending myself or other women when I give my opinion. I am always on guard but I truly felt one man unfairly criticised a woman and I truly thought that others who have not liked what I said were trying to intimidate me or spoke to me in a way that made me feel as if I was not valuable. I do not go up to random men and be difficult with them although on occasion thanks to my PMDD I can be quite rude to men and women, especially if I feel they have relationships. That’s when my loneliness turns into jealousy and anger. I do not single men out when I feel like that. When I am rational like I am right now I feel no irritation at the men and women passing me by in the cafe right now. I am jealous of relationships but it doesn’t result in me blaming them for being able to have them when I feel I can not.
I understand what you are saying and I hear many people use the word “hate.” I think I just view the word differently than most but that is the case for a lot of things. I don’t feel I hate men because I feel I wouldn’t want a relationship with one so badly if I did. I found it difficult to answer because I didn’t want to continue being argumentative with you when you are trying to give me advice.
I do agree that I probaly give off a vibe of stay away from me or I can be overly assuming and judgemental about the intentions of some men. I do agree somewhat that I can be prejudiced against men thinking they are all the same to some extent. I especially feel that when my emotions are running high or I feel hurt.
As someone who didn’t feel heard growing up I always live in fear that if I do not say anything then no one will when it comes to things I think are unfair. I am extremely stubborn which is why I admire extremely stubborn women and men as a matter of fact. They don’t sway. I view their stubborness as strength.
I know to have a relationship I am going to have to start to sway or be open minded but it is so hard. I was bullied in a lot of ways when I was a child and I use to cower and hide until one day I turned around and looked directly into someone’s face and said very pointedly, “I’m not afraid of you.” I came to view all men as either ones who wanted to use me, intimidate me, or mock me. They weren’t always like that but they were a good amount of the time so they were my role models for men. My grandfather who I do believe liked me and didn’t want to hurt me could be very old fashioned with his views so even if he was a better role model who would I have found like him when I should have been dating years ago? He was from a completely different generation.
I found myself drawn to men on television who were different from the men I knew growing up. I didn’t have crushes on “bad boys” or men who everyone else was having a crush on. My crushes were on men who I thought were physically attractive although they might not be to a majority of people. I was more interested in the way they acted and interacted with other people. I was fascinated with their emotional intelligence and gentle way they had. I loved their talent and their strength as well. I am not saying that all the men I grew up with didn’t have moments like that, they just had too many issues that overpowered who they could have been.
I also feel I didn’t have a female mentor of any kind growing up. I “felt”my aunts abandoned me to get married and have their own children. My real mother was never really able to overcome her issues to be a strong influence on me and my grandmother who was very practical and had a very difficult childhood was just glad to have a roof over her head.
I know I am rambling but I do agree that I am a big part of the problem as to why I have never been able to form a romantic relationship and also why I have difficulties with friendship and people trying to help me. I have more than a few issues and working all the time for little money is exhausting and I feel I do not have the time or money to get the help I need.
I still think that I can turn it around and find a way out of my loneliness. I just don’t know if I have the tools or the directions on how to make it work. I know I have to move on with this thread though and start actually doing something about my problem. Thank you again for being patient with me.
Lisa
Monk I would like to be open minded about my situation, I try to be open minded and I do read what people write and work it out. I am bitter and I do generalise when I am particularly upset. Am I prejudiced against all men? I don’t think I am, I don’t know. There have been a lot of men I admire whom I have never met but my personal experiences with them have not been so great. Even in the ones I admire I look for those flaws which do seem universal in the hope that I am proven wrong. I do believe that all people are individuals and the more individualistic a man is, meaning following his own path and not what impresses the world, is what I admire.
I have seen skeleton sledding. I am a huge Olympics fan. I would imagine it taking a lot of focus. I understand what you are trying to say about not losing focus.
I have tried to visualize myself with a man and creating the life I want but it’s very easy for me to lose focus because of my endless issues. In this particular area of my life I have been reading about “love avoidance.” Of all the things people do who have this problem, sabotaging relationships I am the queen of.
I will write down as you advise after visualizing myself with a man in a life I want to be a part of and keep telling myself that I can make it happen.
My reactions to men for me I have always felt have been in psychological self defense over feeling rejected or feeling guilty rejecting someone else. Acceptence overall in society is very important to me and I am overwhelmed by that.
I know the “men hate me” is what I think in my mind because I always thought that one man would come along and be different from most of the ones I encountered in my life but it seemed they were not interested in me and I slowly became more and more resentful, especially talking with the men who married women I knew.
I wouldn’t feel stupid at all visualizing something so wonderful. My only concern would be easily losing my focus and crashing right back into depression and bitterness again.
Thank you for the advice.
When you said the “feel” of it I thought of an older film called “Joe Versus The Volcano.” It wasn’t received well by critics and true it has flaws and can be downright silly sometimes but the core message is lovely and very meaningful. In fact I think the message is the star of the movie and overpowers everything…the acting, the comedy, the romance, the story.
Watching it is like looking into a snowglobe of something that is happening somewhere else and for a while you feel better. It’s kinda like Joe looking at his lamp in the movie, without giving away too much of the story.
Another great film is Amelie. I love that one but to find these stories you really do have to look to books and films.
Just to give you a live example of the story of my life. A man sitting next to me said hi to a guy going out the door and this guy sits down and talks to this gentleman. If I had said that to this man he would have probaly thought why is she saying anything to me? Just to let you know no he did not know this gentleman but to the guy going out the door he was a person. He was not measured on what he could do for the guy going out the door. If I spoke to him his first thought would probaly have been, “What can she do for ME?” Not interested in anything I have to say.
So he has a pleasant conversation with this man and then moves on….because he values him as a person plain and simple.
The small percentage of men who believe women are the stronger gender have been unfortunality let down in life to think that. Masculinity and feminity are equal in value. I would think that is a very small percentage.
As far as men thinking women are equal in value. Where are they? I have possibly seen them in public life but they are rare and extremely hard to find.
Most men recognize the power they have because women who are mostly out for themselves if we are going to be honest hand them that power on a silver platter. If they have a chance to be put up above other women they will certainly take it.
There are enlightened people but the people in my third paragraph unfortunality rule most of the world.
Women don’t like each other because they are competitors. I am one of the very few women who does not want to be a competitor. I hate when women turn on me because of a man and hate when men judge me because I have an opinion.
When I vent I use words in any way I like unless I am speaking officially. It’s artistic license. I am quite capable unlike many people I grew up with to change the way I express myself.
I would have liked to hear your thoughts on what I said but I will guess that you do not believe what I said to be true…if you want proof just look at every independant woman known to the general public. She’s ok if she keeps a low profile but she won’t make any top ten lists men make of women. The ones who do not keep a low profile are called openly excepted insulting names for women. If women do not except that this happens then these women fight alone which is demoralizing. I can actually hear men laughing at the fact that women do not support other women. They have room to laugh.
Why don’t people stop letting men off the hook? They put women in categories. The worthies and the unworthies and the unworthies better treat the worthies with respect or they will be in trouble. Don’t ever call out the worthies either. You will be attacked.
The worst thing about the feminist movement is the thought that everything masculine was better now men have more freedom than the ever did. They can treat women like recycling. They won’t get called out on anything and they dont love anyone forever but themselves.
Though I run this site, it is not mine. It's ours. It's not about me. It's about us. Your stories and your wisdom are just as meaningful as mine. 