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No Anita, I am talking about someone I have to interact with on a daily basis. Someone I thought I could talk to and who understood. Someone else I thought I could trust was involved as well…but the first person was someone I thought actually understood. A man, a helper, and money overpowered any faith in me. I should have known better.
I am venting. I am given no way out so if I have to be imprisoned by men and the women that love them. When they can’t shut me up they silence me. If I was successful they couldn’t silence me.
They would certainly try though through ageism, pitting other women against me, insults, ignoring me, recycle me for someone younger, try to undermine my achievements.
Anita I have read over your telling of my story and I am so grateful that you put so much effort into it.
A couple of things I did want to mention though. I am not sure how I worded some things because I didn’t go back and read what I wrote.
I was told by my mother that my grandfather wanted me home when I was in a foster home. My aunt told me I was wanted but my grandmother didn’t know where I was.
The children that told me about my “adoption” did so pointedly and with much amusement. They also expected me to just go back to playing and I believe asked if I was crying when I came back out.
My employers have almost always been very happy with my actual work doing the job I was given.
I found out about certain men’s other interests by having conversations with them. Their wives or girlfriends would sometimes have a problem with me having those conversations.
You did a wonderful job telling my story and again thank you.
I like your suggestion about getting help and having time off. I think I would really benefit not having the daily stress of work. Everything I grew up with though tells me not to. I work no matter what. Injury…deal with it, weather, ice, snow, get throught it, no bus fare..walk to work. It’s what I was taught at home. It was what I was taught at school. It’s veey complicated for me to take care of myself. In the family I grew up in and the Catholic school I went to, you either swim or you sink. I need help but I never learned how to accept gelp. I also feel that I can work if only someone really cared for me. I feel like the only thing I am missing is someone wanting anything from me.
I am also searching for the reason why I seemed to be someone to be tolerated instead of truly wanted. I have had people in my life claim they did want me but their actions differed. I was told my mother desperately wanted a relationship with me but she couldn’t be the mother I needed. I was criticised for rejecting her and being angry with her. I was told my father wanted to talk to me but didn’t pursue that communication. This is so upsetting to me. No one in that family could get help. Their idea of strong was to go out and do it no matter what hurt you are dealing with. Favoured was acting like hurt didn’t affect you at all. Many of them ended up not talking and having sad lives. The ones considered the strongest married into other families and didn’t talk about hurt. Didn’t understand talking about hurt. They painted a picture and that’s what the presented to the world.
I don’t know if men hate me or I hate them. I have had men for no reason talk down to me or acted like talking to me at all was a collosal chore for them. I have to analyse things to make sense of things. I don’t believe things come from no where. There are always reasons. So if a man talks to me with annoyance when I make pleasant conversation than I want to know why. Women have done this to me too in fairness.
I am angry that my father didn’t pursue a relationship with me, I am angry that I was hurt by men I trusted. I am angry that men only seemed interested in me physically while other women seemed held in a higher regard. I was bright and talented as well as pretty but I feel many women didn’t want me to be so they put me down and criticised me. Men seemed to follow that.
I am looking for the answer of why men haven’t pursued me. I don’t accept that it is what I am putting out there. I get treated differently than other women and I don’t accept that it is my fault because I have been friendly. I have been in moods but only after being friendly friendly friendly and nothing…I don’t believe it’s me. I believe I am being punished. It simply doesn’t matter how I act. I am alone either way. What I meant by serenity is if I accept the fact that no man wants me. I am not happy about that. I kust see no other way to deal with it. I can’t accept it. That’s my problem and why I suffer. If someone wants to prove me wrong go right ahead but no one wants to.
I believe in human connections as a beautiful reality with the knowledge that I’m part of it. Do you really know what that is like??
I am speaking to people in general when I adk that question. I still get things that happen that seem to happen to cast me in a bad light when I sit there minding my business unable to stop it.
I recently went to a concert where it was really hot and water was expensive. I broke down and bought two waters savoring the second one. A couple sat next to me and chatted with me. I had mentioned the price of the water just making conversation although the wife didn’t think it was that expensive. Trust me it was. Alot of people were getting up and down before the concert and they had left their seats for a bit. When they came back they were missing a large bottle of water and asked me about it. I told them I don’t remember seeing a bottle of water around their seats. I only saw her jacket draped over her seat. They got real quiet with me and of course I have to wonder why. I analyse again and wonder if they think I took their water. At this time I am really thirsty so I break down and I am willing to pay for another water. I would have bought them the next one if I wasn’t so thirsty. and they weren’t so expensive. When I couldn’t find anyone selling water going up and down the aisles I gave up. The concert was about to start and I didn’t want to miss it. There was another couple to my right who knew I was looking for more water. When the husband came back after leaving his seat with his drink he also bought me a large bottle of water. I thanked him so much and offered to pay for it but he told me not to worry about it. I was so grateful but I also thought, great now the couple to the left is going to think this is their large bottle of water. Two things here…coincidences seem to always fall in place too coincidently for me. This is just one example of many. Also married men or men in relationships often see me in distress and help me in some way. He didn’t have to do that and he thought of me but the woman bext to him gets to call herself his wife or girlfriend and I go home alone.
Idon’t want to be negative, in fact when I started this thread I was in a more optimistic mood about wanting things to change. I am in a spell right now of real negativity. I want to pursue this thread though. I have to find a way of solving my problem but it’s solving a complex puzzle for me. The answers aren’t clear for me as they seem for others. I am devastated that everything I had/ have are going to waste. It’s hard to cope when you are dealing with that. The last you want to hear is that it’s your fault when you feel you are profoundly rejected. Great, not only do I have to accept being rejected but I get to take the blame for it.
I often feel the need to”call out” perceived slights. I can’t stop people from slighting me but I feel I can let them know I know they are. Sometimes I wish I was clueless. Wish I didn’t see things others don’t. Wish I wasn’t aware. I feel I would be in a relationship right now if I was unsware of what goes on around me. I am ranting again but I am still feeling bitter about my life at this moment.
I thought I lost you Anita because it sounded like you weren’t very keen on what I wrote and were just wishing me luck finding someone. I wasn’t saying you weren’t responding and denying you telling me to take my time. I understand that I do have to find a path and can’t just go on. My stubborness for not accepting my responsibility in my situation keeps me from that path. I do accept some responsibility but I need to find the answer to the why I was eejected by some in the first place.
Eliana I am sorry it took me so long to respond. I am sorry to hear of your difficult childhood and your past experiences. I wish that you did not feel lonely. I am glad that you have something that helps you, DBT, and 12 step support groups. Have you ever read any books by Abraham Twerski? He uses the 12 step program for many issues and uses the Peanuts comic strip not only to add a little humor but also for some profound lessons.
I would like to hear more about what you do to help yourself. I would be interested in your help if you have the time.
Thanks,
Lisa
I guess I never think of men being in that kind of position. I have seen a lot of that in relationships and always thought they just thought so highly of them. I have seen it also where the wife, some I would never expect, catering to whatever the husband says or does. I guess they don’t want to be alone like I am.
I am hanging on to my dream stubbornly and doing a lot of suffering for it. I wouldn’t want my husband to call me the boss or speak in anyway that says he doesn’t have freedom. Having a grip on someone emotionally is not love. I want to be equal in value to my husband. I feel men think that is strange.
Anita yes I never felt hated by my grandfather, in fact I was told a couple of times how he seemed to treat me somewhat special.
Idon’t know what my father thought of me. I would like to believe we were kindred spirits but I feel we just share a few personality and talent traits from what I have been told of him. I was told he fought to see me when I was a baby and he was around but eventually was told by my mother’s family to stay away. My mother was still seeing him after I was born and defended him up to her the time she died even though they had not been together since I think I was little. Did she have any contact with him over the years? I don’t know. I have been told she was very much attached to him when they were seeing each other.
Idon’t know why he didn’t try to contact me well after I had grown up and on my own. I guess he moved when I was 20-21 and had a relationship with someone else and had children and maybe he let go of any relationship with me. What I don’t understand is not contacting me after I was on my own and could make up my own mind. I spent my life rejecting my mother. I was angry for a lot of things but she felt I had been brainwashed by other members of her family. I can’t really go on with any of that right now.
I know I am generalizing but when I say hate I am covering different levels of reactions from men. I guess I feel hate as a complete rejection of me. I have been turned on verbally when I wouldn’t respond to them the way they wanted. I have had men try and sometimes (when I was younger) successfully intimidate me when I stood up to them or was rebellious.
I was verbally hurt by someone I thought I was friends with when I was younger and compared to another girl as to how I was not wanted after I acted somewhat jealous of a girl he was paying attention to. It was a boy who liked me and I was friends with despite his sister bullying me and he sometimes feeling pressured to do so as well. He was different when we were alone. He did like me as a “girlfriend” when we were alone but changed.
I have had interest from men and when I didn’t respond immediately they gave up. I was hurt you know when I was younger. My views of men were focused on the romantic but I don’t think that is what they were focused on. I thought romantically about a relationship with a man and didn’t trust any man who seemed to be interested in me physically which always seemed to be the case. I wish I hadn’t but I think I made and continue to make myself unattractive because I want them to like ME and not what I was on the outside. I never got the impression I was worth pursuing because when I wouldn’t respond right away I was given up on. Like I’m here for one reason for them. Like only other women were revered and praised and thought of as special.
I still feel men put women in categories and whatever category you are in is the one you need to accept. If you try to break out of that category you will be punished.
Just to give you an example: Madonna is one of many women I admire. She was a window of possibilty for someone like me. They tried and still try to hold her down to their chosen category for her but she doesn’t let them. She not only didn’t accept where people told her she belonged but triumped over that. I don’t accept my category either but I have been damaged by people wanting to be put me in a category. Regardless we both suffer for it but Madonna has been able to make it on her own in the face of relentless cruel criticism.
I am just telling you about Madonna because she has been my strength since I was a teenager. She is important to maybe understanding my pain so that’s why I believe she’s relevant to my issues. It’ also very important to note how people men and women who conform to their category of women who are older in order to be accepted have sensed that Madonna might now be more vunerable because she’s people getting older. They seem to be in their glory over the idea of lowering her self esteem to what they believe it should be. If you delve into her more unknown songs they will hear her pain and frustration and sometimes sarcasm as to what I would guess men decided for her a long time ago. That is what I hear when I listen to many of her songs.
I am ranting now but I am trying to work out my feelings.
I am also often annoyed at men who cater to the women in their lives. I feel as if women take on the role of mothering men as a way of control to get what they want. They demand this and that and when men cater to them I am annoyed and wonder what makes those women so special? Why do they get catered to?
Please understand I admire women and men who think “I am just as good as you” not “I am above you.” People often reward when who put themselves above everyone and tear down the ones who say I am just as good or I have something important to offer as well and I will never understand that. Women I believe more so than men are not seen as individuals.
Idon’t want to be “the boss,” ugh I hate that when I hear men refer to their wives as that. I don’t want to be the subordinate. I want men to love ME and want to pursue me without me having to put on any kind of performance.
Like I said I am ranting.
When I said my loyalty and love is rejected I meant I would give that effortlessly to someone who loved me. I am always at the ready to offer that so it’s a given I would love someone that truly loves me.
Though I run this site, it is not mine. It's ours. It's not about me. It's about us. Your stories and your wisdom are just as meaningful as mine. 