I was going to counseling after the divorce, but like you couldn’t keep paying for it. So instead, I find things

I too was bullied as a kid and found that my husbands meanness and betrayal brought it back up to the surface for me. I had good years combined with our relationship, my job success and family and friends where my self-esteem was good. But the end of the marriage at the same time as the death of my mother also came with having to move a long distance by myself, figuring out a new career (while being jobless) and the loss of several friendships, some due to the divorce and some to other circumstances. It like my entire life was washed away and I have started anew. I still have bad days but I have more good and I try to look at it as a fresh beginning and appreciate the progress I have made. My attitude is that I’m making a comeback! By the way, I’m 47.

Who looks outside, dreams; who looks inside, awakes. Carl Gustav Jung

Manders, I acknowledge that I have a lot to do with my current situation but I need at least that one person to pursue me and then I might feel I am worth it.

I constantly observe people around me and most of the time I notice that people will not talk to me unless I talk to them first. …and forget if I get into a disagreement with someone. I might as well not exist.

I want to know what it feels like to be truly really wanted at least once. Unless I can not recognize being wanted ir I didn’t want them and do not want to acknowledge that. Even the ones that expressed interest never really tried hard enough for me.

I am sorry for your breakup but good for you concentrating on your self esteem.

Idon’t know whether to classify myself as a whiny lazy loser when it comes to my love kife. I really haven’t known what to do about it over the years. I do make an effort to be friendly but it never seems to go anywhere. I guess I have always needed them to lead all the time. Maybe my childhood did screw me up for more than a couple of reasons but other women seemed to go through the same things and still manage relationships. I don’t understand why I am different and why I am so hated for feeling bad that I am different.

I can not be upset for my lack of anything.

It’s like other women are given 10 different ways of support and I am the unwanted orphan told that I should be just happy I am allowed to have a roof over my head.

I know people like to be around happy people but I want unconditional love and friendship. I would give it. Why can’t I get what I would give?

I am sure you will be dating soon. I sense that you are strong and determined to keep your self esteem a priority. My self esteem is determined by how much I am needed and very few people express that they need me.

Manders I want to continue on a new post because my last one became too difficult to type in.

Thank you for the advice about listening to tapes and podcasts. Books as well…Therapy is just so expensive. If I was rich I’d see a therapist everyday, hire a life coach, consultants, nutritionist, etc.

edit: just like to let you know that I have a previous post that is waiting moderation. It must be the way it was typing in.

• This reply was modified 7 years, 5 months ago by Lisa.

The first part you wrote reminded me for some reason when I was on a ride when I was a little girl although I am not sure why. This memory has stuck with me. When I was on the ride I couldn’t figure out how to control the car everyone was yelling instructions. Someone bumped into me with their car and I just ignored the fact that I couldn’t operate the car and just laughed. I remember looking over at my grandmother and she just rolled her eyes. I remember feeling a little embarrased.

My family dealt with hurt with achohol, some with drugs, fights, anger, verbal abuse.

I have definately never been fully helped for my hurt.I have tried many things but have never found true empathy from anyone.

• I feel as if someone should care about me first. I can’t completely take care of myself because in reality I just don’t care but since I am trapped in me I have to feel the effects from my not being able to take care of myself.
• I would love to be able to take care of myself but I truly dont know how. I know the pain doesn’t go away but even though I have come to the conclusion that I do not know how to take care of myself I still feel I have sincerely tried and I would like someone to think enough of me to see that I get well.

No Anita, I am talking about someone I have to interact with on a daily basis. Someone I thought I could talk to and who understood. Someone else I thought I could trust was involved as well…but the first person was someone I thought actually understood. A man, a helper, and money overpowered any faith in me. I should have known better.

• This reply was modified 7 years, 5 months ago by Lisa.
• This reply was modified 7 years, 5 months ago by Lisa.
• This reply was modified 7 years, 5 months ago by Lisa.

I apologize again for the grammatical errors. They do nothing for my point but I needed to get that out and wasn’t concerned with perfection.

I wanted to post your quote about “it is very unusual for a woman to have never been pursued by a man,” but I cannot for some reason. I can not comment on how I percieve that quote because I am afraid I will lose my lifelines in here. No one ever wants to hear what people really think. Conversations are a dance and I am not always a good dancer.

In which case don’t really know how to respond because it will never be properly. The powers that be (men) have really found a way to step on women like me when they taken by surprise by our “outspokeness” years ago. Now they figured out how to step on women like me. Even recruiting other women to do it. I wish I could be successful so I could royally call every single one of them out. What else can I do? I am not giving in and play a role they have created for me. I wish other women were as sttong as I am and sidn’t let them get away with everything they get away with. They are weak because they can’t stand on their own.

I need to say this right now because I am devasted that I am a nothing in this despicable society and women are ok with certain women being nothing. I can’t win this so I can at least be angry about it.

I am not letting men off the hook and taking the blame for their hatred.

Anita I have read over your telling of my story and I am so grateful that you put so much effort into it.

A couple of things I did want to mention though. I am not sure how I worded some things because I didn’t go back and read what I wrote.

I was told by my mother that my grandfather wanted me home when I was in a foster home. My aunt told me I was wanted but my grandmother didn’t know where I was.

The children that told me about my “adoption” did so pointedly and with much amusement. They also expected me to just go back to playing and I believe asked if I was crying when I came back out.

My employers have almost always been very happy with my actual work doing the job I was given.

I found out about certain men’s other interests by having conversations with them. Their wives or girlfriends would sometimes have a problem with me having those conversations.

You did a wonderful job telling my story and again thank you.

I like your suggestion about getting help and having time off. I think I would really benefit not having the daily stress of work. Everything I grew up with though tells me not to. I work no matter what. Injury…deal with it, weather, ice, snow, get throught it, no bus fare..walk to work. It’s what I was taught at home. It was what I was taught at school. It’s veey complicated for me to take care of myself. In the family I grew up in and the Catholic school I went to, you either swim or you sink. I need help but I never learned how to accept gelp. I also feel that I can work if only someone really cared for me. I feel like the only thing I am missing is someone wanting anything from me.

I am also searching for the reason why I seemed to be someone to be tolerated instead of truly wanted. I have had people in my life claim they did want me but their actions differed. I was told my mother desperately wanted a relationship with me but she couldn’t be the mother I needed. I was criticised for rejecting her and being angry with her. I was told my father wanted to talk to me but didn’t pursue that communication. This is so upsetting to me. No one in that family could get help. Their idea of strong was to go out and do it no matter what hurt you are dealing with. Favoured was acting like hurt didn’t affect you at all. Many of them ended up not talking and having sad lives. The ones considered the strongest married into other families and didn’t talk about hurt. Didn’t understand talking about hurt. They painted a picture and that’s what the presented to the world.

I don’t know if men hate me or I hate them. I have had men for no reason talk down to me or acted like talking to me at all was a collosal chore for them. I have to analyse things to make sense of things. I don’t believe things come from no where. There are always reasons. So if a man talks to me with annoyance when I make pleasant conversation than I want to know why. Women have done this to me too in fairness.

I am angry that my father didn’t pursue a relationship with me, I am angry that I was hurt by men I trusted. I am angry that men only seemed interested in me physically while other women seemed held in a higher regard. I was bright and talented as well as pretty but I feel many women didn’t want me to be so they put me down and criticised me. Men seemed to follow that.

I am looking for the answer of why men haven’t pursued me. I don’t accept that it is what I am putting out there. I get treated differently than other women and I don’t accept that it is my fault because I have been friendly. I have been in moods but only after being friendly friendly friendly and nothing…I don’t believe it’s me. I believe I am being punished. It simply doesn’t matter how I act. I am alone either way. What I meant by serenity is if I accept the fact that no man wants me. I am not happy about that. I kust see no other way to deal with it. I can’t accept it. That’s my problem and why I suffer. If someone wants to prove me wrong go right ahead but no one wants to.

I believe in human connections as a beautiful reality with the knowledge that I’m part of it. Do you really know what that is like??

I am speaking to people in general when I adk that question. I still get things that happen that seem to happen to cast me in a bad light when I sit there minding my business unable to stop it.

I recently went to a concert where it was really hot and water was expensive. I broke down and bought two waters savoring the second one. A couple sat next to me and chatted with me. I had mentioned the price of the water just making conversation although the wife didn’t think it was that expensive. Trust me it was. Alot of people were getting up and down before the concert and they had left their seats for a bit. When they came back they were missing a large bottle of water and asked me about it. I told them I don’t remember seeing a bottle of water around their seats. I only saw her jacket draped over her seat. They got real quiet with me and of course I have to wonder why. I analyse again and wonder if they think I took their water. At this time I am really thirsty so I break down and I am willing to pay for another water. I would have bought them the next one if I wasn’t so thirsty. and they weren’t so expensive. When I couldn’t find anyone selling water going up and down the aisles I gave up. The concert was about to start and I didn’t want to miss it. There was another couple to my right who knew I was looking for more water. When the husband came back after leaving his seat with his drink he also bought me a large bottle of water. I thanked him so much  and offered to pay for it but he told me not to worry about it. I was so grateful but I also thought, great now the couple to the left is going to think this is their large bottle of water. Two things here…coincidences seem to always fall in place too coincidently for me. This is just one example of many. Also married men or men in relationships often see me in distress and help me in some way. He didn’t have to do that and he thought of me but the woman bext to him gets to call herself his wife or girlfriend and I go home alone.

Idon’t want to be negative, in fact when I started this thread I was in a more optimistic mood about wanting things to change. I am in a spell right now of real negativity. I want to pursue this thread though. I have to find a way of solving my problem but it’s solving a complex puzzle for me. The answers aren’t clear for me as they seem for others. I am devastated that everything I had/ have are going to waste. It’s hard to cope when you are dealing with that. The last you want to hear is that it’s your fault when you feel you are profoundly rejected. Great, not only do I have to accept being rejected but I get to take the blame for it.

I often feel the need to”call out” perceived slights. I can’t stop people from slighting me but I feel I can let them know I know they are. Sometimes I wish I was clueless. Wish I didn’t see things others don’t. Wish I wasn’t aware. I feel I would be in a relationship right now if I was unsware of what goes on around me. I am ranting again but I am still feeling bitter about my life at this moment.

I thought I lost you Anita because it sounded like you weren’t very keen on what I wrote and were just wishing me luck finding someone. I wasn’t saying you weren’t responding and denying you telling me to take my time.  I understand that I do have to find a path and can’t just go on. My stubborness for not accepting my responsibility in my situation keeps me from that path. I do accept some responsibility but I need to find the answer to the why I was eejected by some in the first place.

• This reply was modified 7 years, 6 months ago by Lisa.
• This reply was modified 7 years, 6 months ago by Lisa.
• This reply was modified 7 years, 6 months ago by Lisa.