Didn’t reflect under topics is so appropiate for me. The forces that be.

I have mistreated others which is what hurts me the most. I can’t see myself as anything but a victum. I was a good child and so many things worked against me becoming a good adult. The same people who abandoned me and tore away at my self esteem, rolled their eyes at me, betrayed me….all stand up and do not believe they should be held accountable for anything.

I can not get over the person I became when it could have been different and I cry and cry and can not control or change my past.

I can’t show suffering. I needed help a long time ago and they let me sink.

I wasn’t strong enough to be good to the very few who loved me. They often annoyed the majority that hated me.

You tolerate me Anita because you do not kniw me. You do not have to work with me or be in the same room with me.

Everything moves too fast for me. When I’m upset, no one comes to me. When I’m calm no one comes to me, when appear happy no one comes to me. No one told me that I was not going to be loved by most.

I am not equal. There is a conservative habit of dismissing the difficulties of a group or person as to blame them completely for their what holds them back. No matter how much we do to you it is your responsibility to be successful. “Look at ____ .” They were able to do this or that.”

Progressive minded people do the same thing when it comes to small scale communities. They value one person over another but they walk around as if they do not so you can not call them out on it.

• This reply was modified 4 years, 7 months ago by Lisa.

My roommate’s dog died this afternoon. He was my friend. I would take him out and play ball with him and it was the one bright spot of my time right now. He died this afternoon after lying down. He looked like he was sleeping but no. He was just lying down and we didn’t know until we realized he had been lying there longer than usual. I am so sad right now. I just played with him this moring. He acted completely normal. Did everything he usually did. I cried when I realized he was gone but now I am just sad and lying here and feel so sad for my roommate. I immediately need to know why? He was an older dog but he could have surely lived a couple  years longer. I will miss him so much.

• This reply was modified 4 years, 7 months ago by Lisa.
• This reply was modified 4 years, 7 months ago by Lisa.

Anita,

I was not referring to you at all but if you are seeking an outlet I understand.

No Anita, I am saying that I am being selfish and need information. I do not see the sharing of information as engaging. If someone needed my help I would properly inform them even though I am trying to avoid interacting with people. I do not have a problem with valuable information being exchanged. If I could avoid being a human being I would. I have no other choice but to interact. Despite my not wanting to connect I say I appreciate your input because it is the polite thing to do.

• This reply was modified 4 years, 7 months ago by Lisa.
• This reply was modified 4 years, 7 months ago by Lisa.

Thank you both.

I am in deep distress and being conscious is torture right now. I don’t know where to put myself. I wish I had someone in my life to help me along the way. I wish I could talk to my family but every conversation has to be neutral and they don’t understand despair or circumstances.

I don’t even feel capable of contributing anything via writing or drawing.

I don’t know what to do.

If only I had that one lifeline growing up. I would have made better decisions.

I couldn’t make proper decisions because I never had control over anything.

I am sorry, I can not feel better.

Anita thank you for asking, I had to work for all of March and it has been stressful and complicated between work and home. I am home from work until next week but it is not a vacation. I could probaly talk more later.

Hope you are doing well.

Lisa