Dear Lisa:

I am so sorry for your loss, and your roommate’s. Only today.. acted completely normal and gone. It’s hard to put into words, the nature of life and death. I am sad, knowing you are sad as I am typing this.

anita

• This reply was modified 3 years, 11 months ago by .

You are welcome, Lisa and thank you for being here for three years from Alone to Choosing Love!

anita

Dear Lisa:

“‘Look at ___ .’ They were able to do this or that”- I used to get very frustrated when people said that, or if I read it in a book. Those comparisons are not fair because people’s childhoods are not the same. An example, two children, A and B, were born to two separate poor families. A grows up to be a financially successful adult and B is poor. Then someone, person C, says to B: look at A, he was able to get rich. Why can’t you?.

Problem is, in my example, A had a safe home experience and B had a scary home experience, big difference!

“They value one person over another but they walk around as if they do not so you can not call them out on it”- most people value some people over others. Back to my example above: C values A over B. But there are people (D, E, and F) who value someone else over C.

In other words, almost everyone values some people over others. What matters most, is does Lisa values Lisa.

anita

Dear Lisa:

My childhood suffering expressed itself as a lot of suspicion and anger at other people. The people I met as an adult, some were terrible people, not all were. The people who were not terrible people- at the time, I couldn’t tell they were not bad people (I thought everyone was bad people), so I treated them as if they were bad people.

Looking back, I figure I hurt some good people I thought were bad, but in their experience- I was the bad person. I hope I am not confusing you as I type away what I think without editing.

Expressed again: there were people in my adult life who were bad people, but some were good people, but I wasn’t able to distinguish between bad people and good people. In my mind- everyone was bad people. And in reality: to the good people, I was the bad person.

“What do you do when your suffering makes you hated even more?”- Now, I will answer this question this way: I figure out if my past suffering is expressing itself now as mistreating good people.

anita

Dear Lisa:

“I was a good child and so many things worked against me”- it is true.

“The same people who abandoned me and tore away at my self esteem, rolled their eyes at me, betrayed me.. all stand up and do not believe they should be held accountable”- it is true to your teenage mother and father (whom you never met) and your uncles (whom you thought were your much older siblings). They were not held accountable for abandoning you, neglecting you and mistreating you.

“I needed help a long time ago and they let me sink”- true.

“I cry and cry and can not control or change my past”- I understand. The past cannot be changed.

“You tolerated me Anita because you do not know me. You  do not have to work with me or be in the same room with me”- well, there were people on these forums whom I did not tolerate and ended my communication with them. You are not one of them. If I had been in the same room with you, I think I would have liked you.

“When I’m upset, no one comes to me. When I’m calm no one comes to me, when appear happy no one comes to me. No one told me that I was not going to be loved by most”- I am sorry, Lisa. I am so sorry.

anita