December 31, 2020 at 6:13 am #371947
I am sorry to be vague but it is senseless of me to write the details of something that is just part of the general theme of my life. Nothing comes of my hard work.December 31, 2020 at 12:17 pm #371986
You mentioned today, Dec 31, 2020, “the general theme of my life. Nothing comes of my hard work”.
You shared more themes of your life, three years ago, Dec 28, 2017- Jan 1, 2018 (I will number them in parentheses): “(1) The men I would be interested in are never around. (2) My experience has been being used, resented, ignored, yelled at, hurt, mistreated, worked hard, insulted… (3)I am an intelligent woman and I do not know how to create a love life… love life has been a complete 0… Why do I have to be alone all the time when I don’t want to be?” (4) “I am sitting here tonight downloading a life coach app.. the 2017 equivalent of going to the library when I was 15 and reading up on how to improve my life. I have been doing what I am doing tonight since I was in my early teens. If you know how old I am then you know how long, how many years, days I have spent trying to change my life….(5) I am alone in my truth… I can’t win against so many when so many won’t support what I fight for… I’m ok when I get hurt at work.. when I am in pain.. The minute I stand up for myself is the minute everything is not ok. For the ones who think they got me beat and they know who they are.. you can’t beat me.. and can’t control me which makes me nothing to you. I have truth and integrity and I’m not giving them up and that is why you will never win”.
Exactly a year after New Year Day of 2018, on Jan 1, 2019:, you expressed theme # 4, from above, wanting to change your life for the better: “I want to start with.. being more proactive in reaching my goals. I am very optimistic right now”. That was the ending of your Alone thread. You then started this thread in later January 2019, optimistically calling it Choosing Love: “I want to start this new thread to open up to the truth about why I am alone and what I can do to change that… I will try to figure it out as I go”-
– that was a good beginning, now almost two years ago. It is not too late, Lisa, to start again, from the beginning. After all, every morning we wake up to is a beginning.
anitaJanuary 22, 2021 at 7:56 am #373291
I would like to thank you Anita and the few kind hearted people who tried to help me. Most people knew I was nothing and stood by that. Anita you and others are very exceptional. Just know that. Unfortunality you and they are very much outnumbered. It’s like trying to hold up very heavy boxes. You can only hold them so long before you collapse. I know you are genuine Anita as well as a few others…to all of you I say thank you for caring.
To all the ones out there who people think are kind hearted but are silent when another is attacked. Congratulations on your strategy. It has worked for you. You attached yourself to unfeeling people because they provided for you in some way and looked the other way while they attacked a nothing like me. Not only are you secure but you also have the privilege of being known as a nice person. Thank you for nothing.
To all the people who prop themselves up above others and know when and who to pretend to be kind to and who to attack, you will not have that ability forever so enjoy yourselves. It’s the last thing I have to cling to knowing you will not be able to harm forever. You will not be able to harm forever.
My only chance of survival now is to except my nothingness and be quiet among people. Writing is different because it can be a one way street and I can say what I think.
I am very sorry it has to be this way but people who care about everyone are outnumbered.
I am sorry Anita.
January 22, 2021 at 9:58 am #373299
- This reply was modified 1 year, 10 months ago by Lisa.
Thank you Lisa for your kind words. I am sorry that you are suffering and that you have been suffering for so long, ever since you were a little girl. How I wish I could go back in time, pick up the baby that you were, and give her a home where she would feel safe and wanted and protected from harm.
If that happened, life for you now will be so much easier, not like trying to hold up very heavy boxes.
“To all the ones out there who people think are kind hearted but are silent when another is attacked”- I wish you were protected when you were attacked. I wish I was protected when I was attacked, as a child, and onward. It is amazing, to realize how much hurt can be prevented if only we humans (1) did not attack each other, (2) helped and protected those who need help and protection.
anitaJanuary 27, 2021 at 7:29 pm #373602
I think that it is either 9:30 pm, or 1030 pm where you are, somewhere in the U.S.A. I wish you a restful night, a restful, peaceful night. No suffering, no trouble.. Good night, Lisa.
anitaJanuary 27, 2021 at 7:33 pm #373603
I have tried to make people like me by being of some service to them. Never saying no. People who think of themselves first are loved and wanted and nothing I do makes me a valuable person to other people. The smart thing for a person like me is to be rich enough to not have to be around people. I want to be around people. They do not want to be around me. Selfish people are revered. Some people have no money but are happy because they have people who want to be around them. Some people who are not wanted become very rich which at least protects them from having to go out and be rejected. I am one of those people that do not have either one. I can’t complain because it irritates people. I can’t have either one of the things I mentioned above. I don’t know what to do.January 27, 2021 at 7:43 pm #373604
I like you, Lisa, just like you are. I am not rejecting you. I want to be around you here, on your thread. I want you to feel okay. I want you to be okay.
anitaJanuary 28, 2021 at 11:27 am #373646
I spent some time reading through your previous posts starting in May 1, 2017, and am preparing a post for you with the hope of being of some help to you, be it as little as it may be. I will be back to your thread in a couple-three days (unless you prefer that I don’t, in which case, please let me know).
anitaJanuary 30, 2021 at 11:06 am #373766
First, I will retell a part of the story you shared starting May 1, 2017, in your thread Alone. Second, I will offer you my understanding and recommendations, quoting from your two threads.
First part: You were born to two teenager parents in the 1960s, your teenage mother possibly indulged in alcohol and drugs while pregnant with you. You were given away as a baby but retrieved. You grew up with your grandparents (whom you believed were your parents) and your mother and uncles (whom you believed were your much older siblings). From time to time, there were terrible fights in the house: fights, screaming and yelling. You were scared and hid in your room during those fights, blocking the door from the inside. You spent a whole lot of time in your room, scared and Alone, daydreaming of a different kind of life.
Outside the house, you were “a target for bullies”: you were bullied by children who lived on your street, and by children on the grounds of the Catholic grade school you attended, unprotected by the nuns, and by fellow teenagers in high school, and by “some teachers and people I trusted”.
As a child, you had “frequent accidents.. at bedtime which was seen as a behavioral problem” and you were “often chastised for it”. You were “described as a hyperactive child”, “prone to tantrums”, couldn’t sit still in grade school. Believed to suffer from Attention Deficit Hyperactive Disorder (ADHD), you were “put on a pill daily”. At 14 or 15, a different doctor refused to prescribe it for you any longer, and as a result, your Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD) became worse: “I obsess a lot and constantly wash my hands. My obsessions for example was worrying that if I didn’t pick the right cup something bad was going to happen. I also thought I could prevent bad things from happening by whatever shirt I put on that day”. When you were 14, your grandmother died and you were “devastated by her death”.
In high school you had “big dreams.. wanted to be a cheerleader.. fell in love, wanted to learn”, but it “turned out to be a disaster”- you were “almost promptly bullied.. lost cheerleading”, and you quit high school in the 9th grade. It was then that your grandfather set you up with your first therapist. The therapist “was very nice but she couldn’t get me back into school”.
At 15, you stayed at home Alone, “didn’t go out.. had no friends.. cleaned the house, did everyone’s laundry… missed out on dating.. missed out on the proms.. missed out on friendship.. missed out on graduation.. missed out on being a teenager… For the most part I spent time in the library and fantasizing about being someone else.. (with) connections to people”.
At about 17, you were pressured to get a job, and from then on, for 35 years so far, you worked in many lower paying jobs, doing hard physical work, keeping a roof over your head and taking care of your most basic survival, living here and there, renting rooms in people’s home, and currently living with a roommate: “I am always in survival mode with little bursts of ambition that fizzle out and then I just remain in survival mode. I have always wanted to be an artist. I have done murals.. I took art classes at Community College but didn’t finish my associate’s degree. I earned a certificate in Interior Design and never pursued a job. I wanted to be a journalist and a writer.. I wanted to be a teacher.. I’ve wanted to be an art therapist, art teacher…later on I actually took classes in real estate and barely graduated only to fail the exams…
“So stressed. I can not make these things happen. All the while I am dreaming of myself in some alternate universe in a relationship with a man.. I have tried medication, diet, exercise, affirmations, self help tapes, a couple seminars, hypnosis, psychics, gemstones, therapy, therapy, therapy, yoga, outpatient treatment, group therapy, Self help books, books on how to flirt, I have tried even more”.
You are currently 52, having daydreamed of having a relationship with a man since you were a teenager. You are yet to have one.
Second part – in the next post, probably tomorrow.
anitaJanuary 31, 2021 at 11:38 am #373815
I did not complete the second part today, and will continue tomorrow. Here is what I have for you today-
Second Part, My Understanding of Lisa:
1- A Very Rough Start in Life (a-e):
(a) Possible Exposure to Alcohol/ Drugs while In The Womb: it is possible that your very rough start in life happened in the womb. You mentioned that your teenage biological mother was believed to have used drugs in the late 1960s, and it so happens that you were an unplanned pregnancy in the late 1960s. Neither she nor your biological teenage father (whom you never met) were responsible teenagers, both have given you away after you were born (“My parents were teenagers when I was born. They were possibly involved in drugs and drinking of some kind in the late 60’s. They couldn’t take care of me.. they (your mother’s parents) thought she had substance abuse issues”, May 2, 2017).
Wikipedia: “Fetal alcohol spectrum disorders (FASD) are caused by a mother drinking alcohol during pregnancy… Central Nervous System damage is the primary feature of any FASD diagnosis”.
The drug most famously used in the late sixties was heroin, which is an opioid. One of the complications to the baby that result from a mother being dependent on an opioid is intra- amniotic infection aka Chorioamnionitis, which is an inflammation of the fetal membranes. According to Wikipedia’s entry on the topic, “In the long term, infants may be more likely to experience cerebral palsy or neurodevelopmental disabilities, which seems to be related to the activation of the fetal inflammatory response syndrome (FIRS).. that can impair the fetal brain and other fetal organs.. There is also concern about the impact of FIRS on infant immunity as this is a critical time for growth and development. For instance, it may be linked to chronic inflammatory disorders, such as asthma”.
In your posts you mentioned that you often get physically sick, often not feeling well, and and you described severe symptoms of anxiety including bed wetting, ADHD and OCD as a child and onward- which could be a result of alcohol and/ or opioids introduced to your body before you were born.
(b) The Foster Home Experience: Shortly after you were born your mother placed you “in a foster home in the next state over.. for 6 months after I was born”- what happened during those six months: were you held and touched often enough or were you left Alone, did you form an attachment to a particular person there, I don’t know.
(c) Possible Separation from Object of Attachment: At about six months, you were “found and brought back to my mother’s parents’ house and they began raising me as their child”- if you grew attached to anyone in the foster home, the separation from that person would have very much disturbed the infant that you were.
(d) Abuse & Aggression your Childhood Home and Bullying Outside the home: “I was abused briefly by an uncle and verbally abused by another… sometimes terrible fights among the siblings.. I would hide in my room when their fights broke out… I was bullied on school grounds… (later) “most of the bullying I endured were from neighborhood kids outside of school”.
(e) Unattended to and unsupported and Alone for Too Long: “(in childhood and onward:) I would have liked emotional support and have things explained to me. I feel I was left to figure it out on my own and I have learned nothing more than to just survive.. I always felt that people never thought I was worth the effort”, “(as a teenager and onward:) I have never had a relationship. I have always longed for one. Every day since I was a teen I have imagined being in relationships. I watched others have real ones while I pretended to… I didn’t go out. I had no friends… For the most part I spent time in the library and fantasizing about being someone else.. (with) connections to people”.
*You are welcome to respond to my last two posts here, if you want to. I am okay with you responding or not, and will be back to your thread Monday.
February 1, 2021 at 12:21 pm #373894
- This reply was modified 1 year, 10 months ago by anita.
Second Part, My Understanding of Lisa, 2- A Very Rough Life
Your last post on your Alone thread was on January 1, 2019. Two weeks later, you started this thread, Choosing Love, with much enthusiasm. On Jan 15-17, 2019, you wrote: “I want to start this new thread to open myself up to the truth about why I am alone and what I can do to change that… I want to change my thought patterns… what I want more than anything is clarity. I want to realize what my thoughts that I grew up with were, and whether or not they are really what was/ is going on?.. Developing a healthy relationship with love is my goal this year… am embarking on my journey starting tomorrow on everything I need to work on… I am trying something different”.
Two months and twenty days later, on April 7, 2019, you were still excited about your journey: “I have been doing very well and have a lot more energy. I am also following an eating disorder app that has helped me before and is really helping me again… I have also rewritten my goals again. So many to work on… I am being extremely mindful of my choices… Drinking water too!.. feeling good about my eating habits right now”.
The next time you posted was seven months and 19 days later, on Nov 26, 2019: “I wanted so badly for this to be a positive thread… I am so depressed right now and the bullies are right there with their smiles and happy to see me sad. The worst part is the good people that love me somehow support these bullies”
My input today: You grew up very much Alone. In the world of your very rough childhood there were two kinds of people: (1) people who bullied you and (2) people who allowed the bullies to bully you. In the real world of your childhood, there was no one on your side, no one to attend to you and protect you. You were indeed Alone, defenseless and powerless.
As an adult, you still live in the same kind of world: there are two kinds of people, those who bully you and those who allow the bullies to bully you. You feel Alone, defenseless and powerless.
You pride yourself on being a strong, independent woman who speaks her mind, a feminist and a rebel, like Madonna the celebrity. But the bullies attack you for the very thing you are proud of. They want you weak. They want to rob you of your independent spirit, to silence you into polite submission.
The question is, in your adult world, are there really only two kinds of people?
Nazi Germany comes to mind. There were two kinds of Germans at the time: (1) The Nazis who murdered millions of the people in concentration camps and (2) Germans who knew about it and did not object.
But there was a third kind of Germans at the time: (3) Germans who had no choice but to be soldiers in Hitler’s army and fight wars where they died.. and (4) Germans who risked their lives hiding Jews in their homes so to save them from the Nazis…and (5) Germans who really did not know what was happening because they were mentally ill… Perhaps you can think of other groups.
Is there a third group of people in your world, Lisa?
A person cannot be Alone for too long without getting sick. Find that third group of people and you will no longer be Alone.
anitaApril 19, 2021 at 4:09 am #378035
Anita, I am sorry that I have not responded. I did not see your posts till now. I will respond later today or tomorrow.April 19, 2021 at 9:55 am #378056
Not a problem. Post again if you want to post and when you do, at your convenience.
anitaApril 19, 2021 at 7:46 pm #378128
Anita I have read your entries and thank you so much for going over my posts. That had to be time consuming and I really appreciate it. I will get back to you on what I am thinking but not just yet. Thank you so much.
April 20, 2021 at 7:46 am #378149
- This reply was modified 1 year, 7 months ago by Lisa.
You are very welcome, Lisa. Thank you for your appreciation!