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Dear Anita
Are you under the impression that I wouldn’t be nurturing in a relationship? Just a question.
Oh yes I still daydream, quite often. I feel it is the only place where I can experience these things and I am a part of the world.
In the mindset I am in right now I am not waiting for him because I know he will never come. When I am feeling better is when I hope there is a chance.
Lisa
I have been living the life that is barely available to me Anita and frankly I am tired of fighting to at least have my empty life as opposed to nothing at all. I have to fight to deserve to be called mediocre.
Why is a basic good life not available to me? I am just as good as others. I don’t want to be catered to. I want to be thought of as just as good. It just annoys me when some who clearly don’t deserve it are catered to. I don’t demand I be catered to.
My life is not worth anything to anyone and I am supposed to be ok with that when sell outs and conceited bubbleheads are told how wonderful they are?
I appreciate you but I can not accept my life. That’s claiming defeat and I am not accepting defeat. I am not going to make things easy for the ones who look down on me.
I am really bad right now and I have to pretend I’m fine everywhere I go. I can’t find a peaceful place either. I wanted to get out of my room away from women catering to their boyfriends. I am truly amazed how reasonable people can be unreasonable when it comes to their relationships with other people. It’s like they become different people and I was never willing to be blind on behalf of having a relationship.
I am in a second place that is full of mindless chatter and noise from construction. I can not find peace anywhere. There is no where to go. I am tired of this. I have to suffer for what I fight for I guess. I am just tired of suffering.
Anita it is very difficult to describe a situation and my experience to you without you having a front row seat to what has been going on. Especially at my new job I have gone the extra mile to appear happy with everyone. I have taken supplements, tea, stress throat drops…I have been upbeat and smiling and let everything roll off my back. I haven’t just “not be angry.” I have appeared happy and smiling and mannerly. I accepted an invitation to go to a party. I have filled in when they needed help. I couldn’t possibly be any more aggreeable and it’s still me?
I have had these women who resent me around me since I can remember anything. They don’t like that I whistle, They don’t like the way I say I’m sorry, they jump in and answer questions that are asked of me before I have a chance to speak and then act like I didn’t know the answer. If I speak to someone or show 5 seconds of a conversation with something they go into action and want to give me something to do. That is fine if that was the case for everyone. I observed two of my co workers talking for a bit and nothing was said so my question is why is it imperative to these women that I not do anything but to be put to work. I want to use my mind at work but she talks about me cleaning. She says oh “you like that.” No I do not want to clean. I want to do or be appreciated for something else.
She creates problems for me that do not exist. Telling me something was in a tray when I said we were out of something. She turned around and nastily said to me “Lisa it was in there.” I said was it underneath something? She said no it was right on top. I know what I saw so I was like that is really weird. I know what I saw and if I miss a stack of something really important with my hand actually in the empty tray…I wouldn’t be able to function at my job ever. The truth is I am very good at what I do. I let it slide and laughed it off.
Another thing they do and it’s foolish of me to hope for a different attitude from them is sometimes they are nice to me, my guard is down because I give people who I love or people who have my career fate in their hands endless chances to be nicer to me. My guard is down and they try to sabatoge my job.
You don’t believe it because tou don’t see it. Unfortunality I do not have a secret movie camera for anyone to watch my interactions with people. There are so many people that like me there but they do not control the critique of my job performance. Some women are absolutely determined that I fail and then make it look like my fault. I have lower level managers that praise me and like me but not the ones that can really decide how I do.
Do you know how exhausting it is to navigate around bullies when you feel as defeated and lonely as I do? Let every woman experience that instead of getting a free ride handed to them through their fathers or husbands. These are the same women that love to villianize women that did it on their own. I doubt they would be as successful at what THEY do if they didn’t so much help. Marriage should not be legal but just a spiritual or philisophical union that has no money or real estate benefits. I will tell you what will hapoen. It will be labeled old fashion. Every person should be rreated like a single person and then we will see who comes out on top. Not too many sponge off of others women who do not know how to take care of themselves. They wouldn’t last 6 months having to do everything completely and totally alone. They wouldn’t but they should be made to. Maybe then they wouldn’t be sitting up on their high horse looking down on other women while manipulating men.
I have to navigate around bullies and OF COURSE no matter sunny I have been, no matter how many times I have laughed along with them, complimented them, no matter how many times I have let borderline verbal abuse slide off my back it’s still my fault…and for someone who witnesses the scenes and knows how I behaived I do not know what else to turn to or who to ask for help. I do not dare go above them because opening that can of worms of me trying to tell someone that I am being bullied puts my bullies into I don’t know what she is talking about mode.
The only relief I get from this unhappy life is to have the outlet to tell the truth and if you want to know the truth about marriage and relationships today there it is. Too bad.
In my world it exists, in my dreams it exists, in my soul it exists, I believe it exists…but in the real world love does not exist. You can not see love so in 2018 it doesn’t exist to the majority of people. Money exists, sex exists, status exists, Real Estate exists and everything you have to be and do to aquire those things exists. People are under the illusion that they love but how much would they love if they didn”t get some kind of pay off? How many people would marry if they received no monetary or physical pay off from it? It’s like selling yourself isn’t it? A product on a shelf for people to pick and choose from.
Marriage should be rare and with no demands. No demanded gift on Valentine’s Day, Mother’s day, Birthday. It’s not love to demand gifts yet men do it because they get some kind of pay off. I don’t like business. I don’t like money, I don’t like meaningless exchanges, I don’t like aggressive, ill mannered people….I don’t belong in this world and yet I’m here. I want to be here but I am different thanks to many reasons.
Without going into detail, I am depressed because I am disliked by some for reasons unknown to me. I am friendly and complimentary to these people but I sense a real resentment from them. These are different people in different times in my life. These women have families, boyfriends, friends, admirers. I admire them too but they don’t let me. They are nice to me sometimes but other times I sense a deep resentment. I can not explain fully because I have to go to work.
I apologize for the post but I am not feeling well.
I have made a few changes. I am no longer at my first job. I gave notice a little over two weeks ago and I am in transition mode. I will miss the animals I cared for but promised to visit them as much as I can.
I am embarking on my own personal career starting Monday morning. I have been organizing and getting supplies. I have all the tools to do well except discipline. I day dream, I think too long about things…discipline, confidence and perseverance are actually what I need the most.
I have kept my second job because of course I need it. I do like it there but it’s not my dream.
I hope that if I become more confident that I could find a man who doesn’t just admire me from afar. I am confused because men have said I am attractive (strangely enough married men) but that’s it. After that nothing.
I feel that if I can focus on my dreams I will become more attractive on an intellectual level rather than just a physical one.
Nextsteps,
Thank you for reading my story. I have had a very difficult few weeks and still trying to feel better. Thank you.
I don’t know why I don’t acknowledge that others are alone as well. It does feel like I am the only one. Maybe because I can only imagine me feeling these things about me but can not fathom others feeling this way.
I am looking for someone to care and advice. What I want more than anything though is for someone to explain to me why? Someone that can really see into my life and tell me why I am treated the way I am, why I am ignored by men and why things “happen” to me. I know other people can’t do that, especially if they don’t know me personally. It seems I just have to understand why?
I am back to my goals slowly. Trying to feel better. I have thought about what you said about nature and how terrible things happen to others. It makes me wonder why them? Why anyone?
I do agree with you that some things that happen to us could be a learning experience. There are times I do believe things happen for a reason but I just don’t understand why we or anyone else has to go through these things.
I am sorry to hear that you have felt alone. I do want to meditate but I am not disciplined enough. I have listened to meditations as I have fallen asleep. Thank you for the suggestion and I will check out the one you like.
Thank you also for the online therapy suggestions. I have had not much luck with therapists but I also might not have come this far without them. I understand that I should have patience but it has been a long time waiting to even have a basic life. I haven’t given up though. Thank you for recommending a journal. I love journals.
I would love to get a dog but I am not able to have one at the moment. If someday I have my own home and hopefully be home more I can have a pet. I have thought about letting go of my one job because not only is it physically exhausting it takes away a lot of my time. It also doesn’t have health benefits and my new job will if I can become full time there. I do have to take care of myself because I am waiting for someone to rescue me and no one is interested in doing that. I feel obligated to stay with the dogs I take care of at my older job even though I know there are other people that care for them and they have good homes.
You know I can’t reject anyone including jobs. I feel a sense of obligation to anyone I help. I wonder if one of the reasons I have never dated is the possibility of rejecting someone. Dating is unpredictable and I do not like what I can not control.
I would love to have a job as a writer. One of the reasons that I thought about leaving my first job was because I wanted to start a career as a writer. I would also love to spend time drawing and painting. I have only done these things for friends and family.
Thank you for the many suggestions of people to listen to. I will check them out tonight. I am trying to lift myself up again.
Thank you again,
Lisa
Anita, in almost every situation I put myself, there is at least one person who is greatly annoyed by my presence. People either seem to think very highly of me or think I should be ridiculed. I understand that not everyone is going to like me. That I understand. I don’t like everyone I work with but I would never belittle or be irrationally irritable with them based on their own personal style of speaking, humor….unless it was insulting towards someone. I wouldn’t expect people I manage to be me. I also wouldn’t single people out for criticisms and allow others to do whatever they want. If I feel something should be done a certain way then I expect that from everyone.
You know there were pros and cons to the Catholic education that I received. A few of the nuns not all were very tough on me and unsupportive when I was the victum of bullying outside my school. Don’t know if I told that story…all I can say is I was the victum and I was not shown compassion by a couple of nuns at my school.
One thing I could say though that it didn’t matter to the nuns if you were in the popular group or the not so popular group or the unpopular group….we were all the same and no one was above criticism and if anyone’s ego got too big it was definately checked. As wrongly as I was treated by some of the nuns and some teachers I still viewed that school as a sanctuary where no one really got special treatment. We were all subject to criticism. No one was put on a pedestal. No one was above anyone else in the eyes of the nuns.
My elementary school was my sanctuary. When I left there my life fell apart. Even though they could mean to me outside I wasn’t protected by the authority of the nuns. Teachers were different in public high school. The working world was the same way.
I have always wanted to do the right thing even when it turns out I didn’t do the right thing. It always felt as if an obstacle would appear and trip me up from what I intend to do. My intentions are good but it’s almost like I can’t have them. Someone wants me to not do well no matter how many roadblocks they put up.
I know I may perceive incorrectly other people’s intentions Anita but the ones who I feel target me…it just feels like they are there to squelch any possibility that I be successful in my attempt to be accepted. There efforts are very pointedly done.
I am not about survival of the fittest, I do not want life to be a game and I do not want to act a certain way to receive love.
Though I run this site, it is not mine. It's ours. It's not about me. It's about us. Your stories and your wisdom are just as meaningful as mine. 