May 25, 2018 at 4:41 am #209327
There is nothing wrong with feeling angry. It is a natural feeling following being hurt. And you were hurt a whole lot from a very young age. No wonder you feel angry.
I've been attentive to your thread well over a year, have read and re-read your posts, even came up with my own telling of Lisa's Story earlier on the thread. I don't think I understood before the following which I understand now:
Anxiety is very, very common. You are and have been very anxious. Yet very anxious women do have relationships (however dysfunctional these may be). You never had a relationship, functional or dysfunctional, even though you wanted one for four decades or so.
I now understand that it is your persistent ongoing anger at men and people that has prevented you from an intimate relationship with anyone, a friend or with the boyfriend you never had.
Here is what you wrote in your recent post: “I have gone the extra mile to appear happy with everyone… I have been upbeat and smiling and let everything roll off my back. I haven't just ‘not be angry' I have appeared happy and smiling and mannerly”
You have gone the extra mile to appear happy with everyone, you wrote. But you are far from being happy with anyone. You tried to appear to be what you are not.
You wrote: “Let every woman experience (your experience) instead of getting a free ride handed to them through their fathers or husbands”- this is Lisa being very angry at women.
And you are angry at men as well.
It is the anger that separates you, that keeps you Alone.
Again, there is nothing wrong with anger. But there is something wrong when the anger takes over to such an extent that a connection with another person becomes impossible, when a connection with a decent, empathetic and kind person becomes impossible.
anitaJune 29, 2018 at 7:55 am #214703
Although I failed to connect with you I am posting to you, not because I have a hope of connecting, but so to let you know I remember you, that you matter. That your story matters and that your story is not over.
You are welcome to post again.
anitaJuly 3, 2018 at 7:29 pm #215301
Thank you Anita. You are lucky in that people want your help. No one wants anything from me.
I have flaws but I see other people act unreasonable and selfish and yet they are not alone.
Everything that the bullies couldn't take away from me was taken away from me by people I trusted. Now their effort is realized. I have nothing now.
Everything has been taken away from me.July 4, 2018 at 3:46 am #215325
I know you are alone and that you have been alone ever since, I think, ever since you closed yourself in that room, with something to block anyone from entering, where you used to daydream.
You ‘ve been stuck for a long time in a fight of sorts, within yourself, between who's fault it is that you are alone: your own because of those flaws (“I have flaws”) and anger at others for being “unreasonable and selfish”.
This is where I see you being stuck, in the question of whose fault it is that you are alone. So you feel either guilty or angry. So when you feel guilty you are not open to a relationship and when you feel angry you are not open to a relationship.
If you could only get un-stuck…
“Everything has been taken away from me”- no, not everything. There is something to you, something to Lisa that keeps typing these words I quote, keeps posting. There is definitely something to Lisa that is hers and she shares it right here.
anitaJuly 7, 2018 at 9:51 am #215787
Anita I need direct help. Not traditional therapy…I have done that, not affirmations, not positive thinking, not meditation, not medicine….I think my problems with emotional regulations stem from hormonal problems I have had since my teen years.
I need a coach, a mentor, someone to hold me accountable who I can see physically everyday. The one thing I am is I am a very good student and love being taught but there is no class or teacher I know to offer this. A life coach is expensive but somehow I have to swing it. I can't do it on my own. I have the mental intelligence to understand what I need to do but lack the emotional intelligence to do what needs to be done. I am essentially fighting myself.July 7, 2018 at 10:00 am #215791
I am not a life coach. I am a member here, a member like you. As a non- professional, as a member of this site, can I help you?
If you think I can, state your objectives. I will be away from the computer for a couple of hours or maybe for the next sixteen hours.
anitaJuly 7, 2018 at 10:47 am #215803
Dear Anita, thank you for offering to help, that is very kind of you. I will elaborate more on my post later on…I have so much to say but have to go to work shortly. Will post again in about 7 hours and will explain.July 7, 2018 at 12:12 pm #215811
And I will be back in about 14 hours to read from you.
anitaJuly 9, 2018 at 8:18 pm #216059
I can not put together a response I am happy with.July 10, 2018 at 4:26 am #216087
You wrote a few posts ago: “I need direct help…I need a coach, a mentor, someone to hold me accountable who I can see physically everyday… I am a very good student and love being taught but there is no class or teacher I know to offer this… I can't do it on my own”-
I wish you had that kind of a person in your life, to be physically there. In regards to you being a very good student who loves being taught- probably so, but some of the things you already know, some of the things you believe to be true, are not. And so, healing would be about unlearning some old learnings.
One thing to unlearn is that you are not Alone (title of your thread) in that you are not outside the human experience. You are not that unique. In other words, there are other people out there as Alone. I was one, for decades.
anitaJuly 15, 2018 at 5:22 pm #216795
I will come here because I have no where to go. I don't know what to say. I can not talk to anyone. This summer is not going well and it's my favorite season. I am trying to figure out what to do for my birthday that is coming soon and I don't know what to do.
You think everyone is the same and I am telling you that some are catered to but ignore what I just wrote because it doesn't matter.
I am so upset right now I do not know what to do with myself and if I show anyone that I am upset that will be considered bad behaivor. I erased what I just wrote because it doesn't matter.
All I can say is “You lost out.” I say that to the general population. I had/have so much to give and they don't want it. This country especially is getting the leadership it deserves and I should be proud that I “don't fit in”. I'm proud that I don't fit in.
What to do now though?? I don't know what to do. There is nothing else I can accompliah besides a roof over my head and it's all I have to hang on to because there is nothing else. The roof wouldn't matter so much if there was someone with me.
I don't know what to do.July 16, 2018 at 4:46 am #216823
You wrote that you don't know what to do. My answer this early morning as I hear the first birds who have no question as to what they need to do, is to do what the birds do and what I do as I type this for you: live the life that is available to you. Don't regret this or that life that is not available to you, the life of the catered woman you so wish you had, the life of a woman who is in a relationship with a man, or any other life but your own.
I am sitting here typing to you. This is my life this very moment. It is chilly still, will be warm later on. I am not regretting not being at the beach with the sun shining and the ocean waves sounding in the background. I am not regretting not being in a five star hotel dining area for an elegant breakfast, or, well being in any other place doing anything else.
Make peace with yourself and your life for just this one moment in time, right now as you are reading my words. Take in a slow breath, and say to yourself: for just this moment now, I am okay with my life as it is. Can you do that?
July 16, 2018 at 4:48 am #216825
- This reply was modified 2 months, 1 week ago by anita.
* didn't reflect under TopicsJuly 16, 2018 at 8:02 am #216879
I have been living the life that is barely available to me Anita and frankly I am tired of fighting to at least have my empty life as opposed to nothing at all. I have to fight to deserve to be called mediocre.
Why is a basic good life not available to me? I am just as good as others. I don't want to be catered to. I want to be thought of as just as good. It just annoys me when some who clearly don't deserve it are catered to. I don't demand I be catered to.
My life is not worth anything to anyone and I am supposed to be ok with that when sell outs and conceited bubbleheads are told how wonderful they are?
I appreciate you but I can not accept my life. That's claiming defeat and I am not accepting defeat. I am not going to make things easy for the ones who look down on me.
I am really bad right now and I have to pretend I'm fine everywhere I go. I can't find a peaceful place either. I wanted to get out of my room away from women catering to their boyfriends. I am truly amazed how reasonable people can be unreasonable when it comes to their relationships with other people. It's like they become different people and I was never willing to be blind on behalf of having a relationship.
I am in a second place that is full of mindless chatter and noise from construction. I can not find peace anywhere. There is no where to go. I am tired of this. I have to suffer for what I fight for I guess. I am just tired of suffering.July 16, 2018 at 8:22 am #216891