We crossed posts.

He certainly acts in a way that is enough to keep you around but if a man really loves a woman, he will tell her. It’s quite that simple.

If he really feels he loves you, he will let you know?! Good grief. Don’t let him string you along because he will forever if you let him.

J

• This reply was modified 4 years, 5 months ago by Jan.

Hi again Maya

You say

“I am a romantic person and when I fall in love, I love passionately and unconditionally.”

Also:

“I want to love and be loved passionately”

Don’t we all?! But that kind of intense feeling cannot be sustained throughout an entire marriage. Real love must develop from being ‘in love’ which can be more satisfying, long-term.

It may still be the case that the best solution is divorce but, be warned, even if you find someone to love you ‘passionately’ that passionate phase will not last. Guaranteed.

You say your husband is a good man in which case you may best be served by putting your energy into your 12 year marriage and giving up your girlish dreams of romance. You already have something many women would give their eye teeth for.

best of luck, whatever you decide to do

Jan

PS Unconditional love is for children and animals, not adults. 🙂

• This reply was modified 4 years, 5 months ago by Jan.
• This reply was modified 4 years, 5 months ago by Jan.

One last thought, Cecilia. Do you think it possible that you, too, were on the rebound after the ending of your six year LDR? You reached out to him very soon after it ended so perhaps were just looking for someone (anyone?) to heal your emotional wounds? You say you developed feelings for him, was that before you reached out to him? Because, if so, that kind of backs up my hunch. He says he’s ‘mixed up’ and you mention that he has a therapist so perhaps he is not the most emotionally healthy man? I’d suggest that you give yourself a little time to adjust to being single again before you attempt another serious relationship. Date for fun for a while! J x

• This reply was modified 4 years, 5 months ago by Jan.

Perhaps I have misunderstood the crux of your problem. I thought it was that you had a fight with your mother about ‘something stupid’ and that she was now not talking to you. I thought that you had a good relationship with her until that time and that the situation would be salvageable with mature communication on both sides. You asked ‘what next?’ so I imagined you wanted to repair the relationship, but perhaps you don’t? Not sure, then, what it is you are trying to achieve? It seems unlikely that she is stonewalling you out of the blue, you must have some idea of what you said that has so upset her she will not talk to you.

You seem to have mixed a few things in together so it’s difficult to know what exactly it is you want to address. Your mother’s partner, whom you dislike (for good reason)? The fact that you don’t feel loved by her (this seemed connected to the dog poop incident the way you wrote the post, but perhaps it’s a separate issue?) and the fact that you fought and she will no longer talk to you.

Your mother is not behaving in a very adult manner but you must honestly examine your own part in why she is doing this when things were good between you up to that point. Although, you now say things have been bad between you for 10+ years, whereas before you said it was because of a recent fight. Which is it?

If it really has been going downhill since she got together with this man then, yes, she does seem to have chosen him over you which must be incredibly painful. If she absolutely refuses to talk to you and is in the clutches of this man and her toxic ‘friend’ then, perhaps you have no other option but to accept the situation and move on without her.

• This reply was modified 4 years, 5 months ago by Jan.

Dear chezka21

Wow, that’s a lot of stuff to get your head around, isn’t it? You must feel, subconsciously or otherwise, that the sand is always shifting under your feet and leaving you uncertain about things. And I can totally understand how moving from one place to another felt like you were running away from your problems (I did a certain amount of this in my own life, so I get it). Trouble is, your problems tend to travel right along with you, don’t they?

I’m very glad to hear that your history has not prevented your forming a worthwhile relationship. Have your discussed your concerns with your fiance?

There’s an old expression “bloom where you’re planted” which basically means to make the most of your situation, wherever you find yourself. I suspect you’re right about it being you not the place, it’s so easy to second-guess yourself and never settle to anything, especially with a history like yours. The important thing is that you have a good relationship with your family now, you have a loving fiance and you get on well with his family, you’re getting married and planning a family of your own. This is all good stuff, does it really matter where it all happens?

Having said that, if, in the final analysis, you are really not happy about living in a city again, could you not compromise and live near the city, but in a smaller, quieter place?

Hope this helps.

all the best

Jan

Dear NeW

The first thing that struck me about your original post was this:

“My father died in an accident when I was an infant and she remarried when I was 4 and then divorced about 10 years later. No trauma”

Um, no trauma? For a child of 14 to have lost her father (even though you don’t remember him) then see her mother marry and divorce within the space of 10 years is pretty big. Also, think of the trauma your mother has been through: losing her husband when their child was tiny (are you an only child, btw?) then going through the pain of divorce after a shortish marriage when she was, I’m guessing, only 40 or so. She was then effectively on her own until she was in her 50s? And she has discovered that she is living with an abusive partner who is very passive aggressive towards you and, most likely, towards her, too. Imagine her disappointment and embarrassment at letting this man into her life, imagine the hurt she feels at being on the receiving end of his narcissistic behaviour and probably feeling powerless to do anything about it. And then the judgement of her daughter, who might have been her ally.

You said:

“I have had a good relationship with my mother over my 36 years on Earth . . . We have been close and shared many of the same moral and spiritual values”

That being the case, it sounds like it is a relationship worth fighting for, on both sides.

This man sounds like a piece of work and he has come between you and your mother, probably deliberately. If he puts dog poop in your car, then it is YOU who should be saying something to him, NOT your mother. Yes, it would be great if she took your side but, remember, when you go home she has to live with this man. She is probably very afraid of him.

Out of interest, and if you can remember, was her relationship with her second husband similar? Was he a similarly abusive person? I suspect that she is the sort of woman who is attracted to narcissists, possibly because of abuse she suffered in her own childhood. Does this strike a chord with you at all?

Try to talk to her, to find out if she is happy with this man (it seems unlikely, she seems scared of him) and, if she asks for your help, to help get him out of her home and her life. However, if she doesn’t wish to discuss her relationship with this man with you, then you must accept her choice to be with him. That doesn’t mean you can’t still have a good relationship with her, and it certainly doesn’t mean you have to go no contact. To be stating that your mother doesn’t love you because of these events is somewhat self-involved, I think.

What was the ‘something stupid’ you argued about? If it was heated then it was probably about more than the ‘something stupid’ you mention, if only underneath. You must have some idea why she’s so upset. If you don’t, ASK HER. Via an email or similar if she won’t actually talk to you, and without being confrontational or she will clam up. Be her friend again, coax her to open up to you. And keep your horses on her farm so that the connection between you is not irretrievably cut.

Get the ball rolling on your reconciliation before it sets in and totally wrecks your mother/daughter relationship which was clearly very good until this man came along.

I do hope this helps.

all the best

Jan

Hi Periwinkle

He’s basically the one that got away! You are posing the ‘what if’ question in regard to Ron, an unanswerable question full of mystery and romance.

Laugh it off. If a relationship had blossomed with him it would probably have died long before now and you would, from within your loving relationship with your boyfriend today, be thinking to yourself ‘thank God I didn’t marry that Ron bloke’. The feelings that linger for him are as intense and lasting as they are because they were generated when you were very young and because they, and he, were never tested.

Having said this, if you do feel something is missing, that your boyfriend doesn’t really understand who you are, perhaps that’s something you can work on with him. If you talk to him about the parts of you that you want him to understand, and he shows interest in getting to know you on the deeper level you crave, all well and good. However, if he is dismissive of your concerns and isn’t willing to know you more deeply, that might be a cause for concern.

all the best

Jan

Dear Janus

I have come back to this thread because it seems to me that this whole thing has been going on for far too long – years – and that is not healthy. Are you really interested in helping yourself or are you just here to sound off and get attention?

I’m sorry if it sounds harsh but you are now, I think, about 20 and should be taking matters into your own hands and searching the internet for the information I mentioned to you that will help you to help yourself. Your long and repeated posts are very self-indulgent. Anita, you are also indulging yourself stringing this thread out mostly, I believe, for your benefit not Janus’s.

Janus, are you really sure you want to transition from female to male? I really wonder whether you think you want to be male because you have been fed the message by your parents that male is better than female. Please think carefully before you go any further and also, please don’t rely on drugs to alter your mental state but on solid information that will help you start to change your negative beliefs about yourself and prepare you for a better, happier life. Do not wreck your life trying to please your parents when what you want is way more important than what they want. If they are unkind to you because of your life choices, or simply because you are not your brother or not male, let them go. Seriously, get them out of your life.

You seem to have one or two good friends, build your friendships. You are serious about pursuing a scientific career and your sports, so you do have things you believe in going on in your life. Complete your education, get out of your parents’ clutches and live your own life. You know, much of what you feel is in line with what most people feel, i.e. the feeling good some days when you look in the mirror and bad other days, having an inner critic (do you honestly think you’re the only one that has this?). That’s life, I suggest you get a handle on it and stop feeling so sorry for yourself.

I have great sympathy for you, I am the daughter of narcissistic parents myself and I am a good deal older than you. I did not have the benefit of the internet and books which are now available which are full of information that could have helped me to a better life if I had known at your age what I know now. Get a grip, arm yourself with the information which is freely available to you and set yourself up for a successful life. Or, you can wallow in self-pity and allow your parents’ prejudices to wreck it. It’s your call, but don’t lean on this forum to help you through the rest of your life.

I sincerely hope this helps, it is kindly meant.

Jan