I haven’t received any therapy so far😂😃😃

Dear Anita!

It has been quite a long time since I wrote here.

I have a question: I am practicing meditation, but I catch myself that I can’t relax and let go of thoughts. Once I heard that answers come in meditation and I am so scared again I think that my inner voice will say that I’m a lesbian and I should leave my boyfriend. That’s why I can’t fully commit in meditation.

this thought just chases me and won’t go away.

last time I was like “ok, God, I am lesbian whatever” I surrendered, but it still comes back.

I keep pushing myself to talk to my girl friends and not be scared that I will be aroused, but still I check myself all the time.

like what the hell is this? I can’t relax, enjoy my relationships.

last night I had I childhood memory, when my mom told me that one day I will get married and have a husband.

that just terrified me! I was scared to be with some unknown man!

I told my mom that I will marry her, and never leave.

I mean what’s is wrong with me! Little girls dream of family, wedding, husband,

but I am terrified! But i want relationships without sabotaging them. Like I want to experience normal love. But I am just to tired to fix myself and check myself all the time.

Thank you a lot!

I was diagnosed with BPD, I am  recovering addict.
I am very blessed for clean life, for what I have! I consider myself a happy and a lucky person!

but when this thoughts pop out, I feel powerless, lost and confused.

this forum actually was soooo helpful!

I am so grateful for your answers and your time!

bless you!❤️❤️❤️

Hello, Anita!

I just wanted to share

I started a relationship with a guy, who is amazing, caring and loving. I am attracted to physically and emotionally.

and it’s like we are having normal relationships.

and recently we had sex and like there is no chemistry. I didn’t feel it.

And all these OCD thoughts came back.

I think that I can’t be with a man, I don’t want to have sex. I can’t have a normal relationships, because I am used to violent and abusive relationships.

And I just keep crying, what is wrong with me?

Why can’t I just have sex?
And now I think that might be a sign I should start dating women, because I just fail with men.

I agree with you! Maybe I wasn’t sure that my dad loved me. Actually, I always feel that uncertain feeling in all my relationships, that’s why I try to avoid them, even friendships.

I don’t know what happened to me for last 2 years, I just don’t see myself having relationship with a man, I avoid sexual relationships, I feel fine without it.

the thing is that I’ve always dreamed about love and relatiobships and now it’s just gone.

maybe I am just tired looking for the one

Dear Anita, thank you for you time and your reply, it kind of starting to get more clear in my mind what is happening with me.

it is true that I am terrified to love someone too much, the last time I had big and huge love, the guy used to be physically violent, but I kept loving him and couldn’t leave and break up.

my father remarried for 2 times, but I am the only child.

and yes, I loved my father a lot. He actually used to take care of me and spend time with me more than my mom. I admired my father, he is a great man!
but yes, I remember the first time I saw him kissing his wife, I was destroyed, I felt so broken.

And today I have good relationships with my dad, but I am scared to tell him that I love him, I miss him, I don’t talk about feelings with him, very distant and formal talks.

Thank you a lot for your answer.

Maybe I am sexually attracted to both sexes.

but like I don’t want to experiment, maybe fantasize, but not like relationships and building family together.
even when I had sexual experiments with women while drunk it’s not like I thought about dating them, or have feelings.

but now I feel that maybe I lied to myself for my whole life!

and because I haven’t had relationships with men for almost 2 years, I’m just getting more and more confused and scared