Dear @anita, thank you again for your time and consideration by keeping coming back to answer me. I’m trying not make you bored or tired of this, so I’m sorry if I can’t be brief.

There were sometimes when I was worried about that anger. He didn’t hurt me, but he often punch walls and doors, break things, driving reckless while we were fighting inside the car and etc. So yes, there was a point where violence became something to worry about, even though if never actually happened.

Regarding his mother, my conclusion is that he is angry at her mostly because of what his father tells him. His father used to treat his mother disrespectfully, they got into a traumatic divorce and they both still kinda hate each other til this day.

So his father basically criticizes and bad mouth her on a daily basis to him (since his father is his boss).

I know his mother is not perfect and she’s made mistakes such as spoiling him and preventing him to assume responsibilities for his actions, but, as far as I know, she was never abusive towards him. What I saw during these 6 years was a mother always trying real hard to “deserve” his love and affection. As he is always refusing – saying she bores him or whatever – I guess, she desperately tries to compensate by buying things and paying his bills and this cycle goes on.

I became close to her and we used to spend hours talking, so I could see her both perspectives.

I tried everything I could (or knew as I have my own limits) to show him another way. At first I tried to explain to him how a loving family is supposed to be by bringing him closer to my family but he always avoided them, making excuses for not spending time at my place. Even in special occasions he was always in a hurry to another “appointment” (but when he left I always discovered that this “appointment” was with his friends).

Then I tried to talk to him about forgiving his mother, showing that she’s just a human being, she made mistakes but she’s not a cruel mother. I tried meditation, yoga classes, conventional church…I was available to go to him, I was always searching, inviting. I even got him to meditation classes but was a dead end.

Eventually, I accepted. But as I was always around in their house I saw these fights constantly. So the only thing I asked for was: “do not fight with her when I’m here because I can’t not stand seeing it”. It was also a dead end and he never respected the fact that I was present. Everything she said was enough for him to snap. Sometimes, I liked to spend time with her in the dining room and he used to become very angry about it saying I should go to his room with him, when I refused, he would go out with his friends, leaving me with his mother.

When I thought about my future, I couldn’t help to think about him treating me this way. His mother once said to me that he was his son, so she didn’t have a choice but that I did and I was not bound to bear his mistreatment.

Well, by reading my own text I really don’t know why I stayed so long. Maybe I was blinded by the faith that he could change. I guess he could, but he doesn’t really want to.

So this leads me to what @treegirl said about him not learning. Maybe he never will.

I’m really thankful for your taking your time to read my story and answering me.

I just believed this soooo much, I invested soo much. I gave up my own friends, sometimes I didn’t spend time with my family to be with him, to be available to him 24h. I worked my ass off to build up a career so we could start a family together. It feels like I was the only one putting effort to make this relationship work. When I broke up, he said to me it never crossed his mind I would (even though I said I would leave some day innumerable times).

Even now he won’t help me, the break up is all on me. The whole process depend solely on me.  Instead of stop contacting me, he is always present. He talks to me everyday and I’m tired of being rude. Specially because he will play the victim if I treat him badly. Now he wants to be friends with my family, calling them asking about their day, saying he misses my grandmother. My family likes him very much. I never told them how many times he belittle my family. I think it’s important to point out that the day I decided I couldn’t take this any longer was the day he decided to curse my father. That day I said to myself I had to leave, that this was beyond everything he could say or do to me. It took me 9 months to have strength to do so.

Few months ago his life became to fell apart, his stepfather was very ill and I had just broke up with him. He lost a lot of weight, saying he was devastated. He used to tell me he was going to kill himself. Maybe he was and that’s when I felt guilty for leaving him. I felt guilty for a long time and I ended up giving him another chance, that’s when I discovered he was hanging out with this girl and the lies became to appear. So I decided to end things again. Two days later his grandfather died and I felt like I should support him, be there for him, and that’s what I did. Since then, we keep in touch, sometimes we hang out but it’s really hard for me to move on when he’s still so present and I can’t cut him off. I don’t know why. He is always making promises, he is very affectionate, very supportive, saying he sees things clearly now. I’m starting to obsessing about this situation. Sometimes I feel really sad and look for hope inside my heart, but then I think about his lies and this new/old girl. Thinking that besides all, he might have cheated on me.

I really miss him and our life together, our good moments were special and happy, we used to say we were best friends and it really breaks my heart when I remember. When I think we could have been very happy together. That we could have build a really beautiful story. I just can’t seem to let go of it and I also can’t forgive him for his lies. Sometimes I think he is manipulating me but then I feel soooo stupid, like “how could I be fooled so much for so long”. But it’s hard to truly admit that, so I take comfort on the fact that he is just troubled and don’t do that on purpose, so I really don’t know.

Well, thing is I really don’t want to fool myself again and I want to be able to let this situation go. I feel like I’m trapped into this for too long, I just don’t know how.

• This reply was modified 7 years, 5 months ago by Marge.
• This reply was modified 7 years, 5 months ago by Marge.

Hello,

@PearceHawk, thank you for your time and words. Your metaphor actually makes a lot of sense. Sometimes we are so absorbed by the problem we can’t see things clearly.

At the same time that I feel guilty for staying so long and for allowing him to manipulate me, I still feel like he’s not that bad and maybe he could change. It’s like the rational part of me knows that patterns never change and the emotional part of me wants desperately him to. Anyway, the good news is that I feel that my rational part is gaining more and more space in my mind.

Yes, jealousy was always a problem between us. At first I wasn’t really jealous, but he was so controlling that I started to believe that this was how a relationship should be (as he is my first boyfriend ever).

Today, what scares me the most is that I will never be able to trust anyone anymore. Maybe I was in an abusive relationship and it’s kinda hard for me to admit it because I let that happen. I was always so sure I loved myself, insecurity was never a problem to me (at least I thought so).

But when I saw him flirting with this girl and then discovering he actually had sex with her shook all my self esteem away. I was so sure he was never going to do something with her, even when we were apart. Mostly because she’s not intelligent, she’s not classy, not beautiful nor educated, she doesn’t work or have a career, she doesn’t study. Also, she have had sex with all of his friends, including his brother. So I used to thought he was different and that he had higher standards. But truth his that he didn’t and he was also available to keep on going out with her, making holiday trips with his friends and her by his side. I mean, it was not only sex, they were together somehow and they were hanging out as a couple.

He says he regrets it, that he was depressive and didn’t know what to do. But still. And even when we were talking back again and trying to figure things out he was still seeing her and lying to me about it. Actually, he still does and says everything I discover was just a coincidence and that never happened when we were together or trying to. He swears he cut her off when we started talking again (but I simply can’t believe that).

Thing is, it shouldn’t mean nothing anymore. I don’t want to stay in this relationship, therefore it shouldn’t bother me anymore, but it does and i’m almost obsessively thinking about it. That’s why I experience this rollercoaster of emotions, in one minute I’m so angry at him (and at myself) and next minute I’m feeling pity for him.

@Anita,

To explain what I meant maybe is better to say how I feel. I feel like I’m never going to be able to love somebody like I loved him (in the same intensity) and I’m afraid I will never be able to let go of this feeling.

I frequently see love stories of two people we were never able to let go, or to stop loving someone eventhough years went by. Like this is the only one and true love. And that true love only happens once.

I know that forgetting is not possible (unless I have amnesia or something haha), he is part of my story now. But what I mean is I fear he is my only true love and therefore I will never stop loving him, or that it will never happen again. Like this will never be over.

Dear Anita,

I’m really thankful for your idea. It seems very simple and viable option.

I just need to be able to keep this emotional distance and not get involve or talk into a relationship again. Sometimes I get to angry at him for everything and we end up fighting. I even got out of social media because I get jealous and frustraded that he didn’t change at all.

So at first I’ve tried to cut all contact, but I couldn’t mantain that, maybe because of my emotional attachment. As I said, I no longer have any friends. My family is very supportive but I feel alone most of the time, thats probably why I miss him so much.

I’m also trying therapy and meditation in order to forgive him and myself. But most of all, I need to let go this expectations.