As for the question about my choice for the rest of my life: I don’t think I have an option. What is the alternative? Break the hearts of my husband and my son? Being hated by son for my choice for the rest of my life and spend the rest of my days alone? This does not sound like a happy end…

Dear anita,

I want to communicate with you on this matter more than anything. I think I settled and living this way is manageable. But it is truth that something inside feel dead and I have not myself anymore for longest time. Believe or not, but my “set point” is rather to feel happy and optimistic about life. I usually have clarity and face thing with courage. I use to be called brave and strong by many. I don’t know where all that disappeared…

If I agree with your conclusion, there will no be solution and I feel trapped in this reality.

I need to leave to see my therapist and I will write more on the subject later. Even though it feels like you get me better than my therapist.

Thank you!

• This reply was modified 6 years, 4 months ago by miranam.

Dear Prash,

Wow! What an insight! You made me thinking a lot. So, even though, he does not show it, unconsciously he might want the same thing as I do, i.e. a strong bond between us? It might be true. I wish it was. I need to observe him more from this point of view. But if it is, he is good at hiding it!

Dear anita,

What to say? As usually you are spot on.

Yes, to both of your questions.

The emptiness felt less noticeable with the care about dog. However, the need to care about her all the time felt hard too.

Yes, for your second question. For once, despite the exhaustion I felt we became closer having a shared project: the dog. How to house train her, to best feed her and so on…  You know, I never felt a genuine interest in my son hobbies, mostly hockey and soccer. I went to his games and tournament, cheered him and supported. But having conversation exclusively about latest NHL events was always boring to me. I tried the best I can attract him to get some interest in things I like: art, music, reading, politics, sociology, travelling – without much success. So, when I got the dog back, I think a big part of what I mourn now as a missing last opportunity of getting closer. If it was not for that, I would not take the dog back. I know with time I will not miss her. But I don’t know if with time I will forgive myself for not exploring this possibility.

That being said, things can turn even worse. Him -being totally irresponsible and blaming me of not helping him enough. And me – felling guilt for not being good enough for dog, for him trying harder and harder and turning more exhausted, resentful and not being able to get a life different than taking care of everyone.

With that in mind, what would be your advice. I honestly am lost and anxious of acting either way.

I recently read Lori post about making one mistake after another over a short period of time. It so resonated with me. I think I currently don’t trust in my ability to take any good decision.

(Did I mention how low and hopeless towards life in general do I feel?)

I will be forever grateful if you could help me exploring this. I admire your wisdom and value your input very much.

Dear anita,

It is astonishing how your writing resonates with me. As if you lived with us and witnessed our conversations.
Yes, he is not a very deep person. Nice and easy – this is how he wants the life to be, especially when it comes to me. It has always been like that: after I got upset after he behaves poorly and want to talk to sort things out in order to make him understand what my problem is with the only wish to improve things, he shut down and stop talking to me. Then, after a while he would come to see me, to hug and to say that he is sorry. But this way the problems don’t get resolved. When I am trying to explain him what bothers me in a very-very nice way, he would get upset. “I came to apologize and you keep going on and going on”. This drives me crazy. It is like there is no way to establish an adult communication. A real childish behaviour.
However, when it comes to his needs and his fears and his issues, he can take months to dwell on it. No problem to talk about it wherever we go and whatever we do. And I am being his psychotherapist all my life. I contributed to his raised self-esteem, to his career, providing him with many insights. Always encouraged him.
You know it might sound extremely cynical, and I apologize for this in advance, but sometimes I think that if we are not equal in this area and I am taking all on my shoulders, why on earth we should be “equal” in other things, like affairs for example. So he thought because I did it he is entitled too. Now, the why on earth this rule of equality does not apply to the other areas of our life?
Even now, his main argument is: “Don’t you see how hurt I am for what I have done?! I am drained, I feel devastated. I feel even worst that when I found out about your affair. Isn’t it enough for you?” Well, no, it is not. It is all about him again. I want him to take care of my pain, not exposing his pain on me again. I told him that. He says “ok, tell me what you feel”. When I start explaining, he says his affair was not real and he never loved her, all he said to her was lye and he was not himself. He refuses to take responsibility. And no responsibility – no need to make up for it somehow. No need for additional efforts. So, I need to just forgive him and live happily ever after.
But I cannot! I know I am repeating myself, sorry about that. I need him to show every single day how remorseful he is. Not to telling me about his pain that he destroyed everything he had. This is very easy. I want him to go out of his way to show me how much he loves me. Not with hugs and kisses, but with real efforts. But as you said to make some changes requires a lot of work. It takes motivation, commitment, but also the ability, which I think he doesn’t have.
It was difficult to hide from my son that something is going wrong. Just to add to the misery, I found out about the affair while we were on a family vacations in Florida. The vacation I planned with so much love and joy. It was the second day. Needless to mention that the vacation was spoiled and my pain was even harder. I was in shock and agonizing. We needed to take time to talk and we did not take care of our son the way we wanted to. Fortunately, we were not alone, but with my older son family, so they took care of him. So, we had no choice to tell him that we are going through some difficult period which can sometimes lead to a divorce, but we will do everything possible to save our marriage. He said it will cause him some pain, but if this decision is what best for us, then he is ok. Now, he is 10 yo and what he tells might not reflect what he feels or how he will react if this happens.
Writing here is a real bless. I feel better. You know during these 4 years I cut all the social connections to be exclusively with my family. I use to have friends, I am an extravert and very outgoing. He didn’t like it that much. I changed my lifestyle completely. And now, I have no friends at all to talk to.

Thank you so much anita for your reply. I was hoping you would answer me.

You are absolutely right. My son is my priority, this actually why I stayed in this marriage for so long. As stupid as it may sounds, I opted for my affair to have my needs met outside of my couple in order to not hurt anyone. I thought back then, that if I will get a bit of oxygen, I will be happier and stay a giving spouse and a good mother. It cannot excuse what I did, it merely explains what was in my mind.

Of course, in case I choose the divorce, I will put all my energy to make it as not harmful as possible for my son. I don’t want to fight, I don’t wish my husband any bad. I want us to stay friends and to help each other if needed. A civilized divorce.

Now, as I said, my son is the first factor which makes this choice difficult. Another one is the fact that my husband is not really evil. He is actually a nice guy and a good person. I think some would consider me fortunate enough. I always considered myself being a “bad guy” in our couple. I knew that a big part of my emotional needs were not met, but I felt safe, I knew he was loyal and loved me the way he could. I could cope and settle for less with him before his affair. Now I cannot push the reset button and just to adapt the way I did it before. After I have seen how creative and enthusiastic he was with her, I cannot settle anymore. Because now I know what he is capable of when he is “interested”. This makes me feel worthless.
The advice which is often given is to communicate. In my case, I really did everything possible. I did communicate my needs. I even gave examples of what I would like him to do. And it was not that demanding, believe me. He said he will but he didn’t.
Even now when he asks if he can be forgiven, because he feels a lot of guilt and he hurts, I tell him that it is not about forgiveness. It is about me to see what he can do for me. Because now I compare, I think this is unavoidable. I want him to show his love for me, not only through words, hugs and kisses, but through his actions. Again, he doesn’t do any bad, but any good either. He is apathetic and lacking energy, ideas and motivation as usual. He explains it by being emotionally drained with everything which did happened. He complains me being aloof when I don’t talk to him and when I start talking about what I feel, he says it drains him out… I feel I am stuck. It only works if I make a huge effort and start acting as if nothing happened. At the same time, if I do, it can work and we can spend the rest of our life together and my son will have both parents living together.
Am I selfish? After all it is not that bad, I am not being overtly abused. And if he hurts me, I truly believe he does it unintentionally. It is so difficult to make the decision about the divorce given all that. At the same time I am dying from inside. I am not functional, I cannot concentrate on anything else. I am in a lot of pain.

Thank you again anita for your invaluable support.

Dear Anita,

First of all, I agree with you 100%. It should be win-win. Should. But somehow it doesn’t happen… You see, the issue is I don’t really “consider” giving. I just do it spontaneously. In order to “prevent” myself from giving I need to realize I do it the very moment I am doing it. And then, to refrain from doing it. It seems like very difficult to apply in practice, it requires so much self-awareness. Also, I feel like it will not doing any good to myself, because the moment I am giving I do feel joy. So by intentionally not giving I will deprive myself from this joy. Probably this is myself interest? To make things worst I am very empathetic (or sympathetic). Not sure about the right term, but I feel pain of others. Especially if they are my family or friends. So, helping them, I am actually helping myself. I know it is a big shortcoming, I have tried to eradicate it. So far unsuccessfully.

Maybe I have a certain blueprint in my mind of how the relationship should be and I act accordingly, because this way the life feels better…

You also described with exactitude my type of personality. Everyone says you are such a strong and independent person. I’ve tried to expose my vulnerability. It just seems to me like nobody truly pay attention. No, of course they would sit next to me, listen, an even give their perspective. But it would be a “one-time care”. They will not act on it. At the same time, they will be very caring and giving with others.

You seem to have faced the same issue. Could you develop? How did you change?

Thank you.
Miranam