Hello,

(Little) Insecurity is normal in any relationship and in any period of it, as long as it doesn’t interrupt your chance to be happy and loved. I think that 7 months is that period of the relationship where you still get to know the other person on different level, there are butterflies in the stomach, jealousy can be often issue, emotions run high… Given the fact that he is away and you’ve been cheated on before, it’s no wonder you have some of those ‘bugs’ in your head. My current partner was cheated in his previous relationship, and he often traveled when we started dating… and he struggled to trust me completely even though I never gave him reason not to. It was tiring at times, but given the fact that he was one of the most reasonable and wonderful people I knew, I just decided to give him bit time, and asked him not to judge me for the crimes of his ex… 🙂 As years went by, we had a lot of life struggles, but after that short initial period, trust was never one of them.

I believe we all come with a certain baggage when we enter a new relationship, as much as we try to believe we are starting fresh. The ghosts and the failures of our past can always linger in the background of our mind. So maybe it is no wonder that we sometimes feel that trust is something to be earned, not given just like that from the very beginning.

And when it comes to the long distance, of course it is not the best option… But I know for many relationships during some period it was the only option. It takes strong determination to stay with each other and build a life together to get through this, and also through any other difficulty that will follow. Unfortunately, when it comes to love and future plans, only time has all the answers. We can only do the best we can given the circumstances in the moment, and hope that it will turn out right.

I believe that you and your boyfriend are doing the best you can in this situation, so if nothing else, you can at least be sure about that. I personally wish you a lot of luck, and i sympathize with the fact that he lives in dangerous area, I’ve been through that too. I hope that you’ll end up being happy and safe and together.

Hello,

I am sorry for you mental struggle in such delicate moment (one month before the wedding). Of course, none of us can know the ‘whole picture’ cause I am aware you only brought up the negative stuff here, and that why is hard for any of us to be supportive of something that doesn’t sound good at first place.

Marriage is more than a union of love, it is a social union too, one in which you get the home, family, sense of belonging. Women especially need to ‘belong’ in such a union because 1. we need to feel safe, protected by someone stronger than us; 2. We need to ‘nurture’ someone and be needed and loved. We love the safety of the family home.. it comes from ancient times. While men went hunting, women stayed home to bring up the children and take care of the domestic issues (some of that environment and mind set is still bit left in our genes,a s much as we try to be feminists 🙂 )

It looks to me that finally, you got your instant full package- you are in relationship, you are needed in the home and for the children, the social pressure is off- you are over 30 and you seem settled… So the ‘hyenas’ in the neighborhood can stop talking 🙂 Yes, the guy can be sarcastic, not supportive sometimes, and unpleasant in occasions.. but who has it all anyway? you have to settle somewhere, we all do settle as much as we deny it..

I am not advising you what to to, just I want you to ask yourself few questions starting what if… 🙂

What if you were 25, the house and the children didn’t exist, you had a stable job and your own money, and he is still the person he is now.. and he proposed? Would you settle for the nagging if it didn’t come with the package of the whole social union, and you were on the other side of 30? 🙂

If you decide that you love him for who he is, with all his flaws, and you can live with them if they came without the house, kids, financial stability, than it’s fine I guess… But if not, than give yourself another run of thinking at least. Marriage won’t last much just simply as a social union, without the true and unconditional love, respect and support. Finances change, children grow up, public opinion stops to matter. What is left in the core of that union is you and him, and the bond you share. That is your only guarantee that you will marry only once and for the right person.

We can’t argue that it’s not pleasant for everyone being over 30 and single (though i know a lot of people i adore that love every minute of their single life), but even a possibility for divorce is much more painful than the ‘single’ experience. So at least ‘buy’ yourself some time… postpone over ‘technicality’ if you are not 100% sure (I know you think- what does she know, money and people are invested in this 🙂 )

However, whatever you decide, I wish you all the best. Always love and nurture yourself too, the way you do for others. Sorry for the long post, I can’t keep things short I guess 🙂

Dear iamfree,

Unfortunately, as I’ve read we are making most of our life choices based on emotions, rather than reason. As much as we like to believe we are ‘reasonable’ human beings, this is not true. Anyone with good intentions will tell you, you should count to ten before you burst out, etc…. But I am sure that every person that tells you that, has already made many life choices based on emotions.

So we should not deny or take for weakness our ability to feel, or feel guilty everytime we experience negative emotion. Many suggest that we shouldn’t even fight it cause that will make things worse.. We should acknowledge it exist, observe it, and just use ‘the fight energy’ to ease our transition towards more positive one..

I wonder what makes you angry and what regrets do you have when in comes toward making decisions in this state? Do you say hurtful things you wish to take back? I know I did a lot.

The short ‘fix’ for me, was to at least take a very long walk before I burst out… Physical activity is a good outlet for anger… Punch a boxing bag, run. I remember once I went on a mountain with my boyfriend and we used to shout and scream in order to get out all of my anger.

In the long run run, first you have to accept you have this emotions for some reason, and not blame yourself for having it. And ask what is the cause? It can be triggered by your environment.. if there is a person or situation causing it, you have to deal with that…Maybe it’s a hormonal/medical dis balance in your body? Maybe you are just born as a choleric (one of the four main temperaments, I know some people are just more prone to irritability, they are healthy, not mistreated… but it’s how they are). Whatever that is it can be worked out with change of lifestyle, psychologist, or more alternative approaches… or all at once as I prefer 🙂 I am sure it will be a challenging but also wonderful journey if you wanna engage in it…

Hello,

I will only give a short answer- always stay away from these kind of people. I have cut cords with at least 3-4 ‘good friends’ like this in my life, some of them under complicated and difficult circumstances, but I have never regretted doing it. She will not be heartbroken or devastated. her ego will be hurt, but she will find a new victim in no time. So don’t worry about her

And yes, you have to be straightforward, because ‘gradual’ detachment barely works with them… They’d call you and ‘attack you’ every available minute, they never ‘get it’. Don’t feel guilty, it was never your life mission to be someone else’s outlet.
It’s always awkward the first few weeks, but you’ll be glad you did it, trust me…

Best of luck with your path of transition, whatever that is! Saying no to people who drain your life force, and refocusing it on something beneficial is a huge step!

Hello Brav,

I agree that you shouldn’t search for a formula that will make you constantly happy and seeing her won’t hurt you. It is not possible, and when you push it, it’s even less possible. I was like you regarding another issue, not a break up. I tried t ‘fix’ myself. Make myself able to bring my mind to a higher state where I was untouchable by this issue. You can not imagine with the frustration I faced every time the issue returned, just when I thought I am on a good way of healing.
I wrote this in another post,I will repeat it again. Do a little research on the subject of Acceptance and Commitment Therapy. It has amazing results among people. There is this book, called ‘the Happiness trap’.The biggest lie we are told on this world,is that we are supposed to be happy and ok all the time, and everything else is ‘abnormality and sickness’. Well it’ not the true, we are human beings that get sick, that get hurt, and we are supposed to be this way. How can you be happy when seeing someone you loved with another man? Of course it hurts, you are not a robot! It’s suppose to hurt, and it is just an unpleasant feeling that will pass, like a flu. Nobody likes the flu, but big deal, you know you’ll get better in time, why frustrate over it.
Accept your pain and the best you can do is bring some relief to yourself when it occurs, till it goes away… and it will go away. There are many ways how you can help yourself in these difficult days. Five months is nothing, trust me, it’s still early to filter it out of your system totally. You are experiencing pain,but.. You are not your pain. You are this wonderful human being that will go through happiness, breaks up, new loves,new tears, new reasons to laugh. When it comes to broken hearts (i’ve had mine broken more than once) time is the only and the ultimate healer. Just be patient, and that’s enough. Give your mind some time to process the shock, and to figure out how to move on. Yes, your mind is evolutionary designed for this 🙂

Dear Sann,

I used to live in a country with a lot of political and ethnic tensions that got worse the last years. Everybody read the news, everyone talked about the news there, everyone was politically ‘charged’ or scared. I remember telling my friends: how I miss those days when we used to talk about what are we gonna do this weekend, when we exchanged ideas, discussed books… So I know first hand how unhealthy that situation can be. Now, I don’t even wanna open a news portal… I’d rather see a documentary about spirituality, read a book about psychology, take a long walk in the park. Life is too short to spend it bombing yourself with such negativity.

But I understand your need to get familiar with topics in order to blend in better socially… For example, I am really bad at history, and when I visit a new historical city, a museum, a monument… I am scared to even open the mouth cause I’d probably make a fool of myself. And I’ve been doing a lot of traveling with new friends lately, people I’d like to stay in my life 😀

How do you feel about conspiracy theories? They are really popular topic lately, connected with the current state of society, probably bit less scary cause they are.. theories? There are interesting documentaries out there that are easy to follow 🙂

Hello,

It seems to me that you are both stuck in an awful vortex and replay the same patterns over and over again, and keep hurting each other. It’s easy to get stuck in one when you are in love, and everyone else sees it but you.

When I was in this kind of relationship years ago, and I tried every possible approach, and just couldn’t find a solution… The best words that reached out to me were something my philosophy professor said during a class ‘Sometimes when situation is tangled and things get too complicated, maybe the best thing to do is to let it go… In time it might ‘untangle’… And it was exactly what happened.

You are both probably emotionally exhausted, distrustful toward each other, and loving each other (as i have witnessed) is not enough. Do not get preoccupied with ‘forever’, concentrate on ‘now’. Now you both need to get better as individuals, because if you don’t, you definitely won’t be good for each other. Nothing is written in stone, so taking a bit distance in order to breathe might be beneficial.

He needs to find help for his depression, therapy and most of all, to do his own attempts and researches how to get out of it. As much as you like to help, trust me it’s not up to you. You are not trained to help him. Some people are more sensitive and more prone to it, outside factors definitely can be trigerrs, but we can’t change the world around us in order to get better. We should change the way we deal with the world. It is a process that needs accepting the situation without fearing it, soul searching, figuring out the core of the problem, changing the chemistry in the body and brain by nutrition and exercise, spending more time in nature, cutting toxic people… etc. Constantly blaming the girlfriend is not in any ‘manual’ out there.

I hope you’ll break free from this vortex, calm down, get some perspective, before you move forward, whatever that means…Don’t forget, in order to get different results than before, you need to apply different actions than before…

Hello,

I am sure that you are wonderful person caught up in very bad circumstances. Your bad mental and physical health are normal human reaction to very abnormal circumstances, and I hope that they won’t be damaging for your baby. I feel that you are more than aware that you have to leave the country and your boyfriend and I am sure that now it is just a matter of time till you get the strength to make that step.

A friend of mine was abandoned during her pregnancy by her fiancee with no explanation, and he wasn’t abusive, or anything but nice to her by that moment. She constantly blamed herself and went through hell because of this, which resulted with very risky pregnancy and her son being born prematurely. During that point she just kept thinking about her unfortunate situation. But once the baby was born, she forgot everything. Her baby’s smile gave her enough strength to go through every bad thing that happened. She kept repeating ‘I wish I had this perspective on things before’.

In two months the biggest love of your life will be born. There is no such thing on the planet that can be measured with the love of a mother to her baby. Everything else falls behind… So think of your unborn baby’s smile through these hard times, on the fact that you need to save that creature from potentially abusive environment… And i am sure that your baby will save you too, if nothing else, this whole mess now will become less important.

Love yourself, and love your baby before you let the love for your boyfriend hurt you any further. I wish you the best of luck!