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First of all, thanks for responding. The post you mentioned about his acting nonchalant and detached has changed over time. He definitely has expressed his emotions a lot more in the past few weeks/months.
He does tell me he loves me relatively often, and told me that a few days ago even (and he is NOT the type of person to say it without meaning it).
I am also his first ever relationship, and upon sharing this feeling with me he simultaneously acknowledged the novelty of the concept, the novelty of a long-term relationship and the subsiding feelings that occur.
I guess my question is: should I be alarmed that he is panicking about it a bit? Happy that he decided to share it with me? Is it a normal conversation to have, even (aware that normal is purely subjective in the case of relationships, though a certain element of normative objectivity does exist)?
A sign that this relationship is progressing into something more, or a sign of his realisation that I am not what I thought he was getting himself into?
Obviously I will raise the matter with him, however I was wondering what your take would be on this?
I’m updating this as I am for further need of advice.
Lots of things have changed, we are now back to living in the same city (both go to uni and it started again).
We have spent LOTS of time together, sleeping at each other’s house every night, or almost every night, having dinner together almost every night as well. We go to yoga classes together, go to the movies/out for dinner or events, go for walks, go to cafes, just lots of times together in general. Neither me nor him ever had that with anyone.
I guess all this time spent together made any mystery/nervousness/excitement about him subside.
I guess I am maybe a bit bored every now and then and not crazy about him at times. Most of the time I do look at him and feel something, but it can very much happen that the ‘flames’ are just not there.
He started the conversation about it (he never outwardly spoke and initiated a conversation on a serious ‘relationship’ topic ever). Essentially said he was thinking about it today, and was almost a bit worried about how the relationship is changing. That he doesn’t feel as crazy infatuated at the beginning, not the same sense of nervousness. He ackwnowledged it might mean getting to know someone on a deeper level. He recognized essentially (though not directly) that sometimes he can be a bit bored/not crazy about me, and it’s just something he thought about, and something he was a bit scared of, how the nature of the relationship is changing. Whether it’s normal to feel this way
I said it’s normal that things change, relationships aren’t static, nor are feelings
I appreciated he spoke to me about it, though he’s DEFINITELY not the type of person to bring something like that up unless he thinks it is important.
I guess he voiced out pretty normal concerns, and probably something that (I hope) everyone feels at this 6/7 months mark. But for some reason I am worried that these concerns he’s having might just be the start of the road towards just subsiding feelings?
- This reply was modified 2 years, 4 months ago by Mathilde-S.
He does exactly the same with his family, and always acts nonchalant and detached towards everyone…
He is the way he is, but does that justify such a behaviour? I’m not sure…
Anyway thanks everyone for all your great responses
He didn’t really have a reason, he wasn’t doing much at home anyway so could have spared 2 short train rides to come to Gatwick… I half-jokingly implied we could meet halfway, to which he agreed immediately.
I asked him a few days before I left ‘are you gonna pick me up at the airport?’ and he said yes without any hesitation, however it didn’t come from him, and I find it rather strange not to even suggest that in the first place when your girlfriend is coming from another country to visit you..
He came to visit me and I picked him up from the airport without any second thought…
He definitely doesn’t have any Aspergers and he is a smart man, and socially apt in many different situations.
The fact that he purposely chose to come to our university city a few days after I arrive (knowing I had chosen that date to be there for his bday, but still coming afterwards) is a big fat slap in the face.
I’m really struggling with not being able to see him or talk to him. He is VERY british in the sense that he doesn’t display any emotions, whether they be by text or in real life sometimes.
He did book a flight to come and see me for 10 days in August, and he briefly mentioned that I was invited to join his family on holiday abroad in a week (though too short notice)
The issue is that, atop of not initiating the conversation often, he often just reads my reply/what I say, and doesn’t answer.
From all my friends, I hear that they can’t get enough of each other, speak on the phone every day/every other day, so WHY is my guy so inert?
He has nothing to do and is chilling at home, I know that for a fact, and it takes half a second to text your girlfried asking how her day was…
We’ve got 2 more weeks of this, and every night I go to bed feeling a little bit more disappointed, maybe if he’s so unable to express himself and show that he cares (which I think SHOULD be normal when you’re in a relationship), we just aren’t tht compatible?
Sometimes I truly even wonder whether he even likes me
- This reply was modified 2 years, 8 months ago by Mathilde-S.
I guess I’m just very scared of how these 3 weeks are gonna work, I’m wondering whether it’s enough time for him to forget me, or realize he doesn’t like me that much
Though today when I asked him he said he’d come to my graduation, but he’s only sent one text today
I guess because I haven’t been in a serious relationship before, I don’t know what the normal rate of texting is? I feel like at the beginning, you should be madly in love with each other and not get enough?
Do you think it’s ridiculous of me to think that he’ll have time to forget me?
Thanks for your replies!
It is entirely an issue of my own and my own overthinking – due partly, but not wholly- to previous dating disasters who never wanted to be serious with me
He’s a very sweet and consistent guy, and it is indeed just the way he texts, I will do my best not to overthink
The update is that he replied quite a few hours later, actively looked for options and arranged transport. We spent an AMAZING few days together, there was nothing but love and excitement and discovery (of the city)
We came back to where we study, saw each other every night regularly, again, everything perfect, lots of chemistry, jokes, affection, tenderness.
Though I now won’t see him for 3 weeks. He has always been a poor texter, his dad picked him up and all his stuff today by car (I have another day left here). He briefly sent me a text joking about how the car is struggling, and I replied, but he hasn’t replied anything since. It’s been a whole afternoon and he has been online multiple times since.
I struggle to understand the nonchalance with regards to me, I missed him as soon as I left him, almost cried a bit, I constantly check to see if he replied or when he was last online. And meanwhile he is on his phone, probably saw my message, and didn’t bother replying.
It goes beyond me how we can have such great chemistry, but as soon as we’re not together, it’s like I’m a secondary thought. I just think that if he loved me as much as I loved him, surely he’d do anything to stay in contact (I mean, I have seen his dad today, we went on a trip abroad together and his family has seen pictures of me, his whatsapp profile picture is with me in it!)
So I’m just afraid that he took this opportunity (time away together) as a nice ‘break’ from me, that perhaps he got bored of me, is happy he won’t have to communicate with me as much, but then why go on a trip with me? Why tell his family about me?
I’m just utterly confused, and so devastatingly scared that this might come to an end this summer, where we will have limited time to see each other
I can foresee this causing me a LOT of anxiety these upcoming 3 weeks, which is a long time when you’ve only been seeing each other for 2/3 months. Is he bored of me already? Why isn’t he as keen on me as he displays it in person?
I followed everyone’s advice and we had a talk yesterday, I laid out to him my insecurities and why I feel this way, and my need to for reassurance due to past relationships
He said he hadn’t thought that our frequency of communicating was too little, that I shouldn’t worry that he got bored of me, but he understood and he’d try to text more often
I just don’t understand how he thinks that absolutely no contact for 2 days is ok, AFTER we have established we were together
I reckon I would have to, though it is exams seasons, and he’s got a significant amount of work to do in a very short period of time before monday (in 3 days)
After this, summer starts and we live in 2 different countries. No talks have been made as to what will happen later
I haven’t discussed that yet as it’s still quite early on and don’t want to put any pressure. He have been dating for a month and a half and are only ‘official’ since 2 weeks
The only reason I would want more frequent texting is to be sure he actually still desires to be with me, and didn’t get bored and changed my mind about me.
I would say I am the ‘anxious attachment’ sort of personality, for sure. I will make a hundred scenarios in my head as to why he hasn’t texted.
I just feel like after a month and a half of dating, hearing from him every 2 days only is quite little, considering we both are in this uni bubble and live 1 minute away from each other.
I saw him today for a lunch (that I initiated), and I had a mini breakdown in front of him (about our relationship, but made it pass like it was about something else). He didn’t say much except that he was there to listen. You’d think he’d be considerate enough to text me later on asking me if I’m ok, but I haven’t heard from him since that lunch (and its not late evening here)
- This reply was modified 2 years, 9 months ago by Mathilde-S.
He does initiate some of the things, but the issue is that I’m still wondering whether, objectively or not, he is still interested, or he is just ‘meh’ about me
He has done things like holding my hand when listening to ‘falling in love with you’ by Elvis Presley, and being very cute in general, but also doesn’t text me often?
Thank you very much for your responses, every single one of them.
Now that I established what went wrong why, is there any way for me ‘heal’ in some sort? Because how things are looking now, I don’t think I will find happiness any time soon.
I think about the what-ifs a lot, on how dumb I feel and how cocky and proud he must feel, how he probably thought i was clingy and annoying (which is the very last thing I want to be)
But more than anything I wonder IF I will ever move on, stop thinking about him every single day..
Yes its exactly that. I either like a person a LOT, or I do not at all. and 99.9% of boys I didn’t at all. But when you start sharing intimate moments with someone it becomes very quick. I hope that clarifies 🙂
I’ll also add quite a significant factor: the guy in question had to take a gap year of his studies and actually lived in another city 2h30 drive away, he came up during the weekend to practice his hobby. His ‘schedule’ was a bit erratic and a lot of things were up in the air about his situation. He also told me he has family issues at home