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Together but he's ignoring me?

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  • #211833
    Mathilde-S
    Participant

    Hi there!

    I have been seeing this guy for 2 months now, things have been going relatively well, with a few bumps along the road due mainly to my insecurities.

    We have talked about us, and we are, by all definitions of the term, together. He recently even changed his whatsapp profile picture to a selfie of me and him. I am positive that he likes me, at least until today

    Thing is: he tends to be quite apathetic, he doesn’t organize much. He will always agree when I ask to hang out, and he will occasionally organize things too. For the most part he is very sweet with me and we always have a lot of cute and intimate moments together.

    My family owns a place in the south of France, so I suggested we go for a few days now that we are both free. He agreed. Today I sent him some informations of flights, suggest we get x and x flight, he said that sounded good to him. So I purchased the flights for the both of us (170 pounds in total).

    I then realized that he was being quite passive and inert throughout the whole thing, didn’t really thank me or anything. I straight up told him: ‘I’ll let you organize the transport to the airport then, don’t wanna do everything’. He read this, and didn’t reply.

    Which automatically put me into panic mode, I proceeded to send him a follow-up text 30mn later saying ‘is this ok?’ to which he hasn’t replied. It has now been almost 2 hours. I know for a fact that he has his phone, received the message, and deliberately hasn’t opened it

    I now am wondering whether I was too aggressive about it, and that he perhaps might not want to go anymore. I did pay 170 pounds upon his acceptance to go there together. We are together, we spend a lot of time together and always have fun. He usually always replies to my messages within 15 minutes. This time, I feel like I lost him

    Is it unreasonable of me to be annoyed at his passivity/inertia? And to be alarmed at his non-responseness since the text message about the organization of the trip?

    We spoke a bit last week, and we were speaking of him coming to my graduation and him coming to see me where I live (I live abroad). Has he changed his mind about me? What’s the deal?

    • This topic was modified 2 years, 8 months ago by Mathilde-S.
    #211875
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Mathilde-S:

    He probably got back to you by now, more than .. seventeen hours after that text you sent him, “is this ok?” regarding the transportation to the airport. Did he?

    His “passivity/inertia” may be .. just the way he is. One element to it is his schedule at uni, how busy he is with school work and other activities, another is the fact he doesn’t like to text, if I remember correctly. There may or may not be a passive-aggressive element to it, that is, if he feels annoyed he will punish you by not responding to you and not texting you (you told him about your distress over the frequency of the communication about three weeks ago and he said that he will try to text you more often).

    If his passivity and inertia is just who he is and who he has been for a long, long time, you can expect this to continue and if you choose him then you also choose his passivity and inertia.

    If it is in part at least passive-aggressive behavior on his part, then it is more of a serious problem. Do you think this may be the case?

    anita

     

    #213809
    Mathilde-S
    Participant

    The update is that he replied quite a few hours later, actively looked for options and arranged transport. We spent an AMAZING few days together, there was nothing but love and excitement and discovery (of the city)

    We came back to where we study, saw each other every night regularly, again, everything perfect, lots of chemistry, jokes, affection, tenderness.

    Though I now won’t see him for 3 weeks. He has always been a poor texter, his dad picked him up and all his stuff today by car (I have another day left here). He briefly sent me a text joking about how the car is struggling, and I replied, but he hasn’t replied anything since. It’s been a whole afternoon and he has been online multiple times since.

    I struggle to understand the nonchalance with regards to me, I missed him as soon as I left him, almost cried a bit, I constantly check to see if he replied or when he was last online. And meanwhile he is on his phone, probably saw my message, and didn’t bother replying.

    It goes beyond me how we can have such great chemistry, but as soon as we’re not together, it’s like I’m a secondary thought. I just think that if he loved me as much as I loved him, surely he’d do anything to stay in contact (I mean, I have seen his dad today, we went on a trip abroad together and his family has seen pictures of me, his whatsapp profile picture is with me in it!)

    So I’m just afraid that he took this opportunity (time away together) as a nice ‘break’ from me, that perhaps he got bored of me, is happy he won’t have to communicate with me as much, but then why go on a trip with me? Why tell his family about me?

    I’m just utterly confused, and so devastatingly scared that this might come to an end this summer, where we will have limited time to see each other

    I can foresee this causing me a LOT of anxiety these upcoming 3 weeks, which is a long time when you’ve only been seeing each other for 2/3 months. Is he bored of me already? Why isn’t he as keen on me as he displays it in person?

    • This reply was modified 2 years, 8 months ago by Mathilde-S.
    • This reply was modified 2 years, 8 months ago by Mathilde-S.
    #213821
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Mathilde-S:

    He may very well be “as keen on (you) as he displays it in person”, he is just not keen on texting. He probably likes you as much as you like him, he is just not as anxious as you are.

    He sees your text but is not compelled to reply. He figures .. later.

    I don’t think he is ignoring you or loves you less than you love him. I think he is way less anxious in general than you are and so he is not rushed and is not focused on the phone like you are. His brain thinks about other things.

    anita

    • This reply was modified 2 years, 8 months ago by anita.
    #213843
    Kay
    Participant

    I feel you, it’s easy to start over thinking all the possibilities of what it means if he’s not texting you back. I used to constantly have anxiety in a similar situation, but have now become the one not texting back as fast! Not because I’m not interested but because I am simply more present in my everyday life and no longer reach for the phone as much. If he has kept up this behavior, it seems that you will have to accept that maybe he is simply that way and since you cannot change him, you can decide what you will do to either occupy yourself or how you will let this feeling come and go again without it getting in the way of your life. Or even try expressing your concerns to him again in an honest conversation and he may even give you the reason he does not reply in the way you hope

    #213855
    Mathilde-S
    Participant

    Thanks for your replies!

    It is entirely an issue of my own and my own overthinking – due partly, but not wholly- to previous dating disasters who never wanted to be serious with me

    He’s a very sweet and consistent guy, and it is indeed just the way he texts, I will do my best not to overthink

    #213893
    anita
    Participant

    You are welcome, Mathilde-S. Post again anytime.

    anita

    #214063
    Mathilde-S
    Participant

    I guess I’m just very scared of how these 3 weeks are gonna work, I’m wondering whether it’s enough time for him to forget me, or realize he doesn’t like me that much

    Though today when I asked him he said he’d come to my graduation, but he’s only sent one text today

    I guess because I haven’t been in a serious relationship before, I don’t know what the normal rate of texting is? I feel like at the beginning, you should be madly in love with each other and not get enough?

    Do you think it’s ridiculous of me to think that he’ll have time to forget me?

    #214069
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Mathilde-S:

    I think it is ridiculous of you to think he will forget you, unless he suffers from a brain injury, that will be very unfortunate.

    I remember you inviting him to the south of France for a recent vacation- I remember and I wasn’t even there! How can he forget…

    Anxiety is a powerful and unfortunate experience, it sure spoils a lot of time that could otherwise be pleasant. I answered another thread on the topic of anxiety today and suggested looking at the Mindfulness category under BLOG on the Home Page. Maybe you can do that yourself and look for ways to reduce your anxiety?

    And I don’t know the normal rate of texting except that I recently heard that texting (or using phone, part of which is texting) too often is a new mental  diagnosis according to WHO (world health organization).

    He doesn’t like texting. I used to like talking on the phone.  For a long time I strongly dislike talking on the phone, so I don’t. Not because I don’t like anyone but because I .. don’t like using the phone.

    anita

    #214713
    Mathilde-S
    Participant

    I’m really struggling with not being able to see him or talk to him. He is VERY british in the sense that he doesn’t display any emotions, whether they be by text or in real life sometimes.

    He did book a flight to come and see me for 10 days in August, and he briefly mentioned that I was invited to join his family on holiday abroad in a week (though too short notice)

    The issue is that, atop of not initiating the conversation often, he often just reads my reply/what I say, and doesn’t answer.

    From all my friends, I hear that they can’t get enough of each other, speak on the phone every day/every other day, so WHY is my guy so inert?

    He has nothing to do and is chilling at home, I know that for a fact, and it takes half a second to text your girlfried asking how her day was…

    We’ve got 2 more weeks of this, and every night I go to bed feeling a little bit more disappointed, maybe if he’s so unable to express himself and show that he cares (which I think SHOULD be normal when you’re in a relationship), we just aren’t tht compatible?

    Sometimes I truly even wonder whether he even likes me

    • This reply was modified 2 years, 8 months ago by Mathilde-S.
    #214727
    Mark
    Participant

    Mathilde-S,

    It sounds like you value the regular and frequent communication with someone you are in romantic relationship with.  I do too.  That is what I really like about having a romantic partner, i.e. checking in regularly and frequently in order to share our day.

    There is a saying: Expectations are premeditated resentments.  You are expecting your boyfriend to behave a certain way.  He is disappointing you because he is not behaving the way you expect or want.  I believe that we can only do two things with people we want to behave differently; make a request for that specific behavior (“Darling, I really value keeping in contact with you and would want you to text me daily to check in. I would feel much better about our relationship if you did.  Would you do that for me?”) and/or accept that is the way he is.

    Mark

    #214797
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Mathilde-S:

    I suppose the two of you are not compatible. Thing is you wrote earlier that you “haven’t been in a serious relationship before”, so you can’t compare this present experience to past experiences.

    If you have a long history of anxiety and overthinking, your anxiety will rain on your parade so to speak, in any relationship, in one way or another. I don’t think that there is a compatible enough person in the world to make a dating experience for an anxious person a calm experience.

    Let’s say you meet a man compatible in that he reached out to you a whole lot. First, it may be too much for you at times (causing you distress) and it may not be enough at other times, let’s say he doesn’t text you one particular morning, unlike the other mornings, and that causes you distress.

    So, yes, this man reads not compatible to you and you suffer distress as a result. The solution, much, much easier said than done, is to address your anxiety (the inside work) and to find a man who is compatible (the outside work/ choice to be made).

    anita

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